Heartbroken and scared.

Hannibal_Smith

He's a total knob. I pity any girl who ends up with him. Imagine totally ditching someone the way he did after 10 years, meeting some one new after 5 mins (not sure whether he was seeing her while he was still with you?), completely blanking you as if the 10 years never happened. Then 6 months later asking you back, while there's still a possibility he's with the other girl?

Sorry, I know that's breeching the charter, but he's really an absolute tool. Imagine if he hadn't gone, you'd be stuck with him for another few years!!

You're right to get up and get on with your life, there is way better out there. Way better.

Kidchameleon

Kathleen,

Just trying to look out for ya. You came here looking for different perspectives yes? I am not part of the "you go girl crowd" Ill tell you how I see it and you can take it on board or not, I dont have all the answers like anyone else.

I didnt assume he gave you the ring, Im not sure how you got that from my post? Could you not have sent a friend to collect it? Why meet up with him?

Look, he has seen you now looking and feeling great, he said he misses you. He knows he can get to you on some level. I feel he will now persue you. So how are you going to play it if he does? Will you answer his calls and reject him or will you ignore them altogether?

Trying to give you practical advise here instead of high fiving you (as I dont think that really helps). In my opinion, it was a mistake to meet up with him & it would be a disaster to get back with him. He is a looser and you dererve better.

ManOfMystery

Times like this I love wheeling out that old saying that "Far off fields look green". Like many people before him and doubtless many more to come, he was seduced by the fantasy of excitement and another partner and so on. And like many before him and many to come, once this novelty wore off he came back with his tail between his legs somewhat.

Luckily you have focused on your self-worth in the intervening period and haven't been sitting waiting for his return, so you're able to see this for what it is - a step in the wrong direction. You don't need him in your life anymore, and if anything I feel that he's showing a slightly manipulative streak by bringing this ring (which he 'suddenly found') along to try and appeal to your romantic nature and soften you up. I'm glad you didn't fall for it.

Onwards and upwards OP!

Seth Brundle

Just looking back over some of your original posts in this thread where you were at a massive low point and couldn't see ahead. You were blaming yourself for his actions.

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I am not even looking for advice here, just need to get stuff out. I have spoken to nobody because I am too upset.

I was living with someone for the last ten years. We both work long hours and I have other responsibilities which eat into my free time so we didn't spend much time together. I can't honestly say I didn't know there were problems because he had been quiet lately but any time I asked he said things were fine with us and work was stressing him.

Wed night he told me he was leaving, that he has not been happy for a while and wanted to end it. He had a flat rented and he wanted out. And then he left. Done and gone in an hour. I am upset, sick and scared. I took two days off work and told other friends I was sick and wanted no company. I can't afford to rent this house on my own. I am scared and worried about the future. I miss him terribly but I know he won't be coming back.

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Thank you for reply and while I understand the talking thing may push him, I am afraid that once gone he will just refuse to ever tell me what I did to make him treat me this badly. I know I will be ok but I doubt I will have an exciting new life ahead of me. It just feels like this is it now for me.

As they say "time heals all wounds" - look at you now...

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I am in work so it's not easy for me update. I don't feel it was in the least a mistake to meet him. I would not have gone if I didn't feel able for the meeting. I have lost weight, I have a new hairstyle, I look and feel better than I have for years. I have an air of confidence and contentment about me i thought i would never have again.

Yes, I was gobsmacked he asked me to come back but it has not thrown me in the way people here think. I was just amazed that he thought I would. I thanked him for the ring and the tea but told him I didn't want him bsck. He asked was there someone else and I told him that it was better if we didn't discuss our private lives with each other.

I think this thread could be a help to those who find themselves in a similar crappy situation.
It is tough for a while but as you've shown, it does get better!

KathleenGrant

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Kathleen,

Just trying to look out for ya. You came here looking for different perspectives yes? I am not part of the "you go girl crowd" Ill tell you how I see it and you can take it on board or not, I dont have all the answers like anyone else.

I didnt assume he gave you the ring, Im not sure how you got that from my post? Could you not have sent a friend to collect it? Why meet up with him?

Look, he has seen you now looking and feeling great, he said he misses you. He knows he can get to you on some level. I feel he will now persue you. So how are you going to play it if he does? Will you answer his calls and reject him or will you ignore them altogether?

Trying to give you practical advise here instead of high fiving you (as I dont think that really helps). In my opinion, it was a mistake to meet up with him & it would be a disaster to get back with him. He is a looser and you dererve better.

I'm sorry but I don't feel like you are looking out for me. I appreciate you want to give a cautionary word and that you are giving a different perspective but you have been judgemental from the start.

You think I should do some soul-searching or my next relationship will fail (clearly assuming my last one failed solely because of me). When my ex snuck off like a rat without paying his rent you thought he may have forgotten or was ill and I should remind him. He was straight into bed with another woman which he lied about but you felt i should remembet he was also mourning the relationship.

You said more than once the only reason I met him is so I could get back with him, I have stated more than once I wouldn't take him back and you are still insisting it is the only reason I would give him the time of day so obviously I am lying.

From day one i have been as truthful and upfront about my own shortcomings as well as his and honest about being sad and about being happy. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but it looks like you have s problem with me.

Dog Man Star

I've been in this exact situation.

You need to clear up the practical stuff first.

Then, eliminate him from your life in every way.

Then, rebuild. Think about yourself, what you want.

Millions have done it, it is no disgrace.

But time for a change now. Make the change Kathleen, for you, no one else. Do things that make you happy. You know what they are.
Do things that make YOU happy. For me, it was watching Hitchcock movies eating Domino's Pizza at first. Learn to be happy alone.

KathleenGrant

I have a date tomorrow night!!

RhubarbCrumble

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I have a date tomorrow night!!

Woo-hoo! Delighted for you Kathleen

KathleenGrant

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

Woo-hoo! Delighted for you Kathleen

Thanks. It's someone I have known for years with very similar interests to myself. He was married but separated years ago. It may be only one date but I am delighted with how much I am looking forward to going out.

Lisha

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Thanks. It's someone I have known for years with very similar interests to myself. He was married but separated years ago. It may be only one date but I am delighted with how much I am looking forward to going out.

I am so delighted for you

Kidchameleon

Have you any idea why he separated? Make sure you know the score with that if anything develops. Also, you say he is separated, is he divorced? Because if he is not divorced you may be walking into a minefield. Even if he is divorced, he is still probably financially responsible for his ex, just something to bear in mind. Wishing you the best Kathleen, just pointing out the red flags. Enjoy your date.

KathleenGrant

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Have you any idea why he separated? Make sure you know the score with that if anything develops. Also, you say he is separated, is he divorced? Because if he is not divorced you may be walking into a minefield. Even if he is divorced, he is still probably financially responsible for his ex, just something to bear in mind. Wishing you the best Kathleen, just pointing out the red flags. Enjoy your date.

I am dipping my toe back into the dating game. I am not going to marry him. It's just one date.

KathleenGrant

Are you seeing anyone yourself Kid? I'd say you'd be right craic on a date. I'm free any night this week except Monday.

Kidchameleon

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Are you seeing anyone yourself Kid? I'd say you'd be right craic on a date. I'm free any night this week except Monday.

Ha ha, unfortunately I'm unavailable and I am as boring and long in the tooth as they come I dont think we would be a good match Kathleen!

Look I wish you all the best, I really do. Your last relationship came with major red flags and I dont think you spotted them. I am pointing out this mans red flags for you here. He is separated for a reason, it may not be his fault but nonetheless it is a red flag and you need to be aware of it. As I said in my post, I acknowledge it is only a date but if anything develops you need to be sure you are not ignoring anything that may cause trouble down the line.

Also, you are young and childless yes? Perhaps you should be dating men who do not have children and/or the baggage of an ex wife. It is just a suggestion, try not to sell yourself short, you are a lovely woman with much love to give, you should be aiming to snag a high value man.

Finally, enjoy your date.

KathleenGrant

Kidchameleon did you read any of my posts? Did you dish out advice knowing nothing about me? I am not young and childless. I am in my mid 50's and mentioned my grown up children several times. At my age the pool of men available to me would be tiny if separated men were to come out of it. A person may be separated for any reason or unmarried for any reason and i prejudge nobody.

Perhaps I should date childless men with no baggage or ex wife? Perhaps I should date whoever I like and let them worry about their kids and exes.

I am sorry kidchameleon maybe you are genuinely trying to be supportive but you don't come across that way to me. You make me feel like my ex did so if there is one thing you said I agree with it's that no, we would not be a good match.

KathleenGrant

I just read my opening post again and it really amazes me the journey I have had. I was so terrified and sad and broken and now I am so positive and happy and am looking forward to life. A lot of this came about with the love and support of people around me but the community on boards has really played its part. You were all there for me in the bad days when I couldn't talk to people around me because I was too broken and scared. I am really grateful to people who offered advice and support. Thanks to all of you.

I suppose this thread has seen its day. It's called heartbroken and scared and that's not me now. So maybe Wiggle you can close this thread and I will go live my fabulous new life.

Bye to everyone X X X

dellas1979

Rock on Kathleen!

wiggle16

Thanks Kathleen

I'm delighted at the new lease of life you've found and I wish you the very best for the future. Hope you enjoy the date! I think anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation to yours and happens to read this thread will get some solace from it.

Thanks & grma to all who posted. I think this thread demonstrates what a great resource the PI forum can be for people in distress and that's thanks to the posters, who offer their time to support and help people who may have no one else to turn to. Fair play all.

Best of luck Kathleen

Thread closed