Friends becoming distant

Shop40 · 15-11-2018 1:49pm #1

Is this happening to anyone else? I’m 40, married with kids. I love meeting up with my group of oldest friends, for lunch, going to a play, or dinner or whatever. We used to do this 4/5 times a year. It’s getting very difficult to even get replies on WhatsApp when I suggest something these days. I feel meeting up and making an effort is so important, but that I have to twist arms and feel dejected when there seems to be little interest.
When we do meet up, it’s great fun and laughs.
I’m coming across as whiney and childish I know, but why is it so difficult?!

the_syco · 15-11-2018 1:55pm

Are they far away, and is there anyone in the group chat that some don't get on with?

Shop40 · 15-11-2018 1:57pm

the_syco wrote: »

Are they far away, and is there anyone in the group chat that some don't get on with?

Thanks for your reply! We would all be an hour away in different directions. No fall outs as far as I know...

DoozerT6 · 15-11-2018 11:33pm

I imagine that they're all (?) in the throes of raising young children, once kids get past the baby stage they then have birthday parties, school, hobbies/extracurricular activities to be ferried to and from etc. There are many threads in PI about friends becoming more distant from each other while the kids are still young and taking up a lot of their time. I think it's just a stage of life to go through.

Do you think it might help if you could all co-ordinate four or five set dates in your diaries to meet up during 2019, set in stone except for genuine emergencies? Maybe a few coffees/brunches on top of that? (I dunno, it's quite a while since I had a friend group to do stuff with lol).

pwurple · 15-11-2018 11:36pm

Life is busy in your 40's with kids, you may just have more free time available than them.

Peoples parents start getting ill, kids get extracurricular things going on, careers can step up a gear, marriages get rocky, house moves, life gets complicated. I'd consider myself fairly lucky if I could get out once a year with my buddies... we chat etc, but out together is like herding cats.

the_syco · 16-11-2018 1:01am

Are any of your kids around the same age? Instead of "lets get sloshed" evening date, perhaps arrange a daytime play date that involves the kids and coffee (or tea). I'd say you'd get a better uptake.

Shop40 · 16-11-2018 3:07pm

the_syco wrote: »

Are any of your kids around the same age? Instead of "lets get sloshed" evening date, perhaps arrange a daytime play date that involves the kids and coffee (or tea). I'd say you'd get a better uptake.

I don’t drink and never said anything about getting “sloshed”, thanks.

Addle · 16-11-2018 3:11pm

People are just busy and don't need (as many) friends as much when they're older, I find anyways.
Sometimes, I just can't be bothered to go out, especially for night time events.
I'm not being distant, just lazy really.

Shop40 · 16-11-2018 3:12pm

DoozerT6 wrote: »

I imagine that they're all (?) in the throes of raising young children, once kids get past the baby stage they then have birthday parties, school, hobbies/extracurricular activities to be ferried to and from etc. There are many threads in PI about friends becoming more distant from each other while the kids are still young and taking up a lot of their time. I think it's just a stage of life to go through.

Do you think it might help if you could all co-ordinate four or five set dates in your diaries to meet up during 2019, set in stone except for genuine emergencies? Maybe a few coffees/brunches on top of that? (I dunno, it's quite a while since I had a friend group to do stuff with lol).

Thanks for your nice post, that’s a good idea.

I would just like to meet up with my oldest friends for coffee or anything more than once a year. That is why I posted here, because I feel I’m losing my oldest friendships and feeling low about it. However, the nastiness has started in this thread so I’m gone.

Shop40 · 16-11-2018 3:16pm

pwurple wrote: »

Life is busy in your 40's with kids, you may just have more free time available than them.

Peoples parents start getting ill, kids get extracurricular things going on, careers can step up a gear, marriages get rocky, house moves, life gets complicated. I'd consider myself fairly lucky if I could get out once a year with my buddies... we chat etc, but out together is like herding cats.

No I don’t have more free time. But I can get out to meet up with friends more than once a year.

Addle · 16-11-2018 3:17pm

Shop40 wrote: »

However, the nastiness has started in this thread so I’m gone.

Is that the way your conversations tend to go IRL?

meeeeh · 16-11-2018 3:28pm

You don't live that close to your friends. I don't think it's a slight but I suspect quite a few would think meeting once or twice per year is perfectly acceptable. Do you have any friends living near you? It's a lot easier to organize stuff with people living close to you.

eviltwin · 16-11-2018 5:26pm

Shop40 wrote: »

Thanks for your nice post, that’s a good idea.

I would just like to meet up with my oldest friends for coffee or anything more than once a year. That is why I posted here, because I feel I’m losing my oldest friendships and feeling low about it. However, the nastiness has started in this thread so I’m gone.

I don't see any nastiness

I'm in a similar situation to you, it's really hard to pin people down as everyone is so busy. I think Doozer had a great suggestion about pre booking dates, everyone has them and can make sure not to double book.

Remember you can still stay connected without meeting up, keeping in contact with phone calls and texts will make it easier to stay in touch.

Shop40 · 16-11-2018 5:35pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I don't see any nastiness

I'm in a similar situation to you, it's really hard to pin people down as everyone is so busy. I think Doozer had a great suggestion about pre booking dates, everyone has them and can make sure not to double book.

Maybe you are right. I was referring to the post by Syco that made out I was asking my friends out “to get sloshed”. Nothing could be further than the truth. That post did come across as nasty to me.

Anyway, thanks. Doozer did indeed make a good suggestion.

Meeting up with kids and for coffee idea would be great,but I have a child with asd, and that wouldn’t work for me.

Anyway, thanks to those who gave helpful suggestions.

iamwhoiam · 16-11-2018 5:43pm

I am a good bit older OP . I meet up with friends from way back from my school days ! We meet every 2-3 months now
Our most difficult time was when we had teenagers as they take up so much time with ferrying them everywhere
Now when we finish our meal and before we get lazy we all take out our calendar and make the date for the next meet
Taking everyones commitments with family and grandchildren is not easy but we usually manage a date that suits us all. Sometimes its two months away and sometimes its three but we always manage a date
Maybe this would work for you as its easier when the date is set I find

the_syco · 17-11-2018 7:28pm

Shop40 wrote: »

Maybe you are right. I was referring to the post by Syco that made out I was asking my friends out “to get sloshed”. Nothing could be further than the truth. That post did come across as nasty to me.

It wasn't meant to be nasty; I was advising to perhaps do not what you usually do. If you usually get sloshed, then do calm dates.

But, as you say; you only do calm dates, perhaps organise a night where you do get sloshed? Dinners, lunches, plays etc, can be expensive, and may be avoided because of this. But drinks can be a lot less expensive.

Shop40 · 18-11-2018 10:10am

the_syco wrote: »

Are any of your kids around the same age? Instead of "lets get sloshed" evening date, perhaps arrange a daytime play date that involves the kids and coffee (or tea). I'd say you'd get a better uptake.

And yet this was your post... which misrepresented me and anything I had said.
But you got “thanks” for it, so well done!!

Onwards and upwards, thanks for your last suggestion.

Conor Bourke · 18-11-2018 10:23am

Shop40 wrote: »

And yet this was your post... which misrepresented me and anything I had said.
But you got “thanks” for it, so well done!!

Onwards and upwards, thanks for your last suggestion.

His post wasn’t nasty and it didn’t misrepresent you at all, it was just offering a suggestion.

You’re taking particular exception to something entirely innocuous, you were preparing to leave the thread entirely over a perceived “nastiness” that doesn’t exist and had to get a passive aggressive dig in in your last post. If this is indicative of how you comport yourself in real life then perhaps you might be pushing friends away without realising it. Something to consider?

Shop40 · 18-11-2018 1:16pm

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

His post wasn’t nasty and it didn’t misrepresent you at all, it was just offering a suggestion.

You’re taking particular exception to something entirely innocuous, you were preparing to leave the thread entirely over a perceived “nastiness” that doesn’t exist and had to get a passive aggressive dig in in your last post. If this is indicative of how you comport yourself in real life then perhaps you might be pushing friends away without realising it. Something to consider?

Ok. I genuinely took it as a slight, but I’m willing to stand corrected if it was not meant in that way. I just didn’t want to be portrayed as someone who just wants to go out drinking and leave the kids at home, and that’s why I’m losing touch with old friends! Because, I’m the opposite of that- love meeting for coffee, going to a play etc etc. I give my all at home and love my child with all my heart. But it’s a very hard road when your child has severe SN and at times it feels like not much light at the end of the tunnel, and very isolating with that. So that, combined with feeling that I’m losing touch, combined with this time of year, has me not in a great place.

But I had a good cry when I read your post because you gave me a reality check, and really I think I needed the cry. I don’t feel I’m pushing them away, because every time we meet up it’s great fun. And last night a message went out about meeting over Christmas, so maybe I am reading too much into things, and really everyone is just busy and has a lot to deal with too.

And what came through here was that it’s not uncommon for friendships to drift a little in these years, so maybe it just comes with this stage of life!

the_syco · 19-11-2018 7:59pm

Shop40 wrote: »

And what came through here was that it’s not uncommon for friendships to drift a little in these years, so maybe it just comes with this stage of life!

What I've found is that the friends who live far away get a new network of friends that are close to them. It's not because they're no longer friends with you per se; it's more that they formed bonds with people nearby them, often via their children, work, etc.

Look at the likes of meetup.com and see if there are anything in your area that would interest you, where you'd already have a similar liking with a group, and thus make new friends easier.

Otherwise, do an evening class in the local school or library, as again, you'll be with people who have a similar interest and you make make a friend or two.

miamee · 21-11-2018 12:23pm

My group of friends can be similar, OP and it is hard work to organise a date that suits everyone even just for coffee! We do have the advantage of living fairly near to each other. When it is getting difficult to organise something usually two or three of us will make a plan that suits us and then tell the rest that "We are doing X on such a date and we'd love to see you there". If they come, great, if they don't you still get to meet up with one or two friends.

Friends becoming distant

Comments