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How to cope with not being able to establish expectations with my mother's visits?

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Comments

  • #52
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Accepting that someone isn't going to change is a big step to take. You aren't nearly there yet. Your mother sounds like a horrible person and maybe you shouldn't be exposing your own children to her?

    What do you think your grandfather should have done about your mother? Is this a mirror of why you're so angry with your father's parents? People who tolerated bad behaviour from their adult children.

    Well, she's 8, 000km away and most of her interactions with them are on Skype. Most of her future interactions will be brief visits in a hotel or outside where she won't be able to yell at anyone. She sends them money and birthday cards but when she's right in front of them she prefers all the Facebook likes she gets from photos of them.

    It's possible that it could be a mirror. My grandfather put up with a lot of bad behavior from my mother.

    For example, he would answer the phone and then forget who called (he was 70+) and instead of getting a new phone line or a different phone number she would yell at him. Sometimes he would insult her but most of the time he didn't do anything.

    I think my grandfather should have tried to get custody of me and got a babysitter to help (he could have reported my mother but he didn't). He should have also have told my father's parents about me as well. There was no reason not to tell them.


  • #53
    lunamoon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    chris525 wrote: »
    I am listening to the advice. I know they probably won't disown him but this is going to be an emotionally difficult place for me for a long time. They could at least criticize him.

    And they very well might be criticising him, just not to you. It wouldn't be their place to do it in front of you either so stop expecting it.


  • #54
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    chris525 wrote: »
    I have this weird, stupid hope that someday, sometime something will happen to my mother and she'll have an epiphany and change. It's happened to me a few times in life maybe it could happen to her.

    Yeah I understand that, I'd rather not go into it but I can definitely relate.

    But I think it would be good to weigh up what real difference that would bring to your life at this late stage, combined with what a long shot it is, against the torture of holding on to that hope in the face of all the evidence so far.
    Moving 500 km and then 8, 000 km away did help to break free of this. My maternal grandfather was good to me but he died when I was 21 and did not take actions against my mother when she was also screaming at him although he did not condone her actions.

    Well it's good you had somebody who at least tried and wasn't as bad as the rest, I'm sorry for your loss.

    Finding out your grandparents never knew about you and now want a relationship must have felt a bit like that distance was collapsing and you were being sucked back in, how were you doing with all this before that happened? When you started working on the genealogy thing and contacted them, what was it that motivated you? From my reading you thought they were fully aware of your existence and made no attempt at a relationship, I'm interested as to what your expectations were of people like that, was it a kind of "this is the least they can do for me" thing?

    I'm sorry I know this is the thread about your mother but I do agree the two issues need to be looked at together.

    This thing of them painting his house seems to be a real fixation, do you think it's possible that you're focusing on that because the situation is just too big to take in in its totality?

    Look, you're not obliged to have any kind of relationship with ANY of these people. I don't think anyone would blame you for at least maintaining strict boundaries and distance with your mother. And bollocks to your father as well, but for your own sake stop thinking of your nemesis, hating him, thinking about him so much. He's rent free in your head right now. The best revenge you can have on him is to let that go, don't waste any more thought on him if you can help it. Sometimes we can't help it, obviously it's not that you'll never think of him again.

    I'd personally be inclined to give your grandparents a bit more of a chance, but if you're going to do that you'll have to make peace with the fact that they'll continue to have a relationship with their son. I understand that's frustrating but that's what's on the table right now.


  • #55
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    chris525 wrote: »
    Yes, you have to live by standards. For example, you have to live by your employer's standards or else they will fire you. You have to avoid saying different things to different people or else you will hurt them.

    You have to behave in certain ways in certain situations or else people will be angry with you. It's common sense. You have to live up to your spouse's standards or you will both want a divorce. This is how life and relationships work.

    My father's family won't leave me alone. They keep emailing me and if I wait a week to email them back they don't like it. They were crying because I sent them a photo of me when I was 4. Well, this is their disgusting son's fault. I'll keep rubbing it in by sending them photos.

    Stranger and stranger . I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're beginning to sound seriously off-key, OP. Get help. For your own sake, get help.


  • #56
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    OP your job now is to shield your own kids from your own, clearly chronic, mother/father issues. You sound like someone with a persecution complex. The more you post, the more you sound like the problem.


  • #57
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    chris525 wrote: »
    It's just pretty sad that you can't even get some basic needs met by your own mother.


    She sounds like she never met them, so you are hurting yourself by expecting her to meet your perception of a mother after all these years. She's not likely to meet the expectations you have of an ideal grandmother - and you should probably have a think about how it might affect your children to try to shoehorn them into some sort of forced grandma stereotype with an unwilling adult.


  • #58
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    It's the equivalent of having a crocodile as a family pet, pampering it and then wondering why it won't behave like a cat or a dog.


  • #59
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Clark Rotten Scalp wrote: »

    Finding out your grandparents never knew about you and now want a relationship must have felt a bit like that distance was collapsing and you were being sucked back in, how were you doing with all this before that happened? When you started working on the genealogy thing and contacted them, what was it that motivated you? From my reading you thought they were fully aware of your existence and made no attempt at a relationship, I'm interested as to what your expectations were of people like that, was it a kind of "this is the least they can do for me" thing?

    When I originally reached out to them I was expecting them to be angry and be like: wtf do you want. I only wanted some information about family medical info and family tree info. I wasn't expecting anything more than that.

    However, they jumped in immediately and wanted a relationship.


  • #60
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I know your childhood was crap. But you can decide to wallow / be angry at the past, or try to move on.

    You are currently stuck in the wallowing / anger phase. You’re just hurting yourself, and also probably your partner and kids. You can chose to stay there, or get help to move out of that phase.

    I don’t think anyone on this thread said that you’re wrong to feel anger or resentment. But your method of dealing with it (or completely not dealing with it) is wrong for your own mental health, and relationships in your adult life.

    You need to move on not only for yourself, but also for your adult relationships in your life. The obsessing about your past is achieving nothing.


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  • #61
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I very deliberately posted the same reply to both of your threads. You describe different issues, but the root cause is the same.


  • #62
    StinkyMunkey
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    A normal healthy relationship with your grand children is spending time with them on a one to one level, such as baby sitting them or minding them - a lot of people in the thread seem oblivious to that. It's quiet dysfunctional for a grand parent or parents not to want to spend time with their grandchild, and is in no way can be considered normal behaviour.

    This woman clearly has no interest is anyone other than herself and is obviously a narcissist.

    She obviously wants to stay with you to keep costs down for herself. Your house is free accommodation to her.

    If I was in your position and a parent came to stay and took no time to engage with my children, they could **** right off. I wouldn't be shy about saying go visits where you like when you like, but it won't be in my house.

    There is always give and take, **** anyone who is all about taking.


  • #63
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    StinkyMunkey wrote: »
    A normal healthy relationship with your grand children is spending time with them on a one to one level, such as baby sitting them or minding them - a lot of people in the thread seem oblivious to that. It's quiet dysfunctional for a grand parent or parents not to want to spend time with their grandchild, and is in no way can be considered normal behaviour.

    This woman clearly has no interest is anyone other than herself and is obviously a narcissist.

    She obviously wants to stay with you to keep costs down for herself. Your house is free accommodation to her.

    If I was in your position and a parent came to stay and took no time to engage with my children, they could **** right off. I wouldn't be shy about saying go visits where you like when you like, but it won't be in my house.

    There is always give and take, **** anyone who is all about taking.

    YES!!!! THIS IS IT! THANK YOU!


  • #64
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    StinkyMunkey wrote: »
    A normal healthy relationship with your grand children is spending time with them on a one to one level, such as baby sitting them or minding them - a lot of people in the thread seem oblivious to that. It's quiet dysfunctional for a grand parent or parents not to want to spend time with their grandchild, and is in no way can be considered normal behaviour.

    This woman clearly has no interest is anyone other than herself and is obviously a narcissist.

    She obviously wants to stay with you to keep costs down for herself. Your house is free accommodation to her.

    If I was in your position and a parent came to stay and took no time to engage with my children, they could **** right off. I wouldn't be shy about saying go visits where you like when you like, but it won't be in my house.

    There is always give and take, **** anyone who is all about taking.

    BEST ANSWER!!!

    I wasn't even asking her to clean up poop or pee or anything like that. I wasn't even asking her to discipline the kids. I wanted her to look up from her phone when her granddaughter was talking to her and to tell us if my daughter was trashing the house when she was in the same room as her.


  • #65
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    StinkyMunkey wrote: »
    A normal healthy relationship with your grand children is spending time with them on a one to one level, such as baby sitting them or minding them - a lot of people in the thread seem oblivious to that. It's quiet dysfunctional for a grand parent or parents not to want to spend time with their grandchild, and is in no way can be considered normal behaviour.

    There is no rule that a grandparent has to spend time with grandchildren if they don't want to. Yes its great if they do but as my mother told me she'd already raised two children she'd no interest in looking after anymore. Maybe it's selfish but that's the mothers choice, the OP has no right to expect her mother to come visit her and look after her children. By the same token the mother has no right to expect her daughter to put her up when she visits so if the OP doesn't want her mother treating her house like a hotel then the answer is simple, tell her she is not welcome to stay, end of. You can't force someone to be 'grand'maternal.


  • #66
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    I think this thread has run it's course and the OP has receive a lot of advice over 5 pages. Therefore I'll close this thread at this time.


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