Dial Hard wrote: » It seems there are many, many things you can't look up to and admire. You mentioned earlier that she can't live up to your expectations and standards. Neither can your grandparents in your other thread. I suspect there are very, very few people who can, tbh. You are absolutely filled with resentment towards people who have failed to live up to your (impossible, by the sounds of things) expectations. You have two threads active in which you are forensically examining the words and actions of everyone else in order to find fault with them but not once have you turned your gaze inwards. I honestly think it's time to do that, OP.
Ilikecookies wrote: » I really think this is the best post on this thread. You are coming across as someone consumed by anger because people in your life won’t live up to standards you have set in your head. The two threads cannot he read in isolation. People are fallible humans they are not perfect beings who comply to standards set by others. I’m concerned at the amount of rage you seem to have bottled up collecting grudges about the behavior of various people in your life. You are coming across as being quite self-involved, I think you aren’t wrong to be hurt about certain things (not including your grandparents painting their sons house which is quite frankly very unreasonable), but you seem completely incapable of standing in anyone else’s shoes. You’re an adult & a parent, at this point in your life you should be capable of understanding that life is not black & white, & trying to understand where others are coming from. The person you seem to be hurting the most is you.
MissShihTzu wrote: » That's a real shame. I completely understand where you're coming from as I went through similar. I am speaking from personal experience - I had a poor relationship with my own mother who has since passed. I was hurt and upset for YEARS! It messed me up in a lot of ways. I finally had to break the chains for the sake of my own mental health. I am telling you this as your anger and resentment are having an effect on your children and your family life. Believe me - as young as your kids are, they will be picking up the vibes you give off even if they do not as yet understand why. Finally - Have you spoken to your husband about this? What does he think??
chris525 wrote: » Why is no one standing in my shoes? Why would you WANT to paint your son's house after finding out that he has been lying to everyone about who he is and what he has done? I've always had to comply to other people's standards to stay in their interest or good graces. It's how the world works.
chris525 wrote: » Why is no one standing in my shoes? Why would you WANT to paint your son's house after finding out that he has been lying to everyone about who he is and what he has done?
chris525 wrote: » I've always had to comply to other people's standards to stay in their interest or good graces. It's how the world works.
MissShihTzu wrote: » Oh boy, OP!! People have told you the same thing at least once on this thread. Whether the grandparents want to paint their son's house or not, is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! It's their money to spend as they choose! How do you know what's truth from what is not? Why? Who do you feel you have to do this? As long as you live within the law where you live and live a good life, that's the ONLY standard you have to live by! I'm not trying to down you, OP but I'm beginning to think you're being a bit of a victim here. It's not healthy or good for you and your family. Leave your father's family alone! Have nothing to do with them. It's becoming increasingly obvious that whatever they may or may not tell you, it won't be accepted by you unless or until they show as much anger towards your father as you apparently do. I'm out. I hope it works out for you.
qwerty13 wrote: » Why do you think your mother should be a surrogate mother to your kids when she visits? ‘Minding’ them is not her job. Or her responsibility. And interaction is very dependent on personality and how often she sees them. Which I gather isn’t much. Not going to list out my familial relationships, but they’re based on who I like / enjoy spending time with. I’m not a handy child minder for people, despite me not being married or having kids. I’ve made that quite clear to my siblings, with some pushback on their part. To be blunt, their child is not my problem. You’ve never got on with your mother. Why on earth do you think she’s going to be a self-effacing grandmother? And you appear to want her to look after your children who she doesn’t even really know. If you don’t want her to stay as a genuine guest, then tell her that. That you only want her on your terms of child minding / helping out. Then she can make own choice and stay somewhere else.
chris525 wrote: » No, I don't expect her to be a surrogate mother. I expect her to be decent by looking up from her phone when her grandchildren are talking to her. I expect her to WANT to play with them and to WANT to interact with them. You don't go over to someone's house after they had a baby 2 weeks prior and not want to help out with chores etc. It's bad form. She treats me like a stranger and not like a daughter.
Loveinapril wrote: » It has been posted so many times and you are failing to absorb it. Read this over and over and spend time trying to accept it. You cannot change anyone else's behaviour. You can only change your own. Your posts are FULL of your expectations for others that that they cannot or will not reach. It really is your responsibility to manage that. You will not change other people, no matter how petulant you become.
chris525 wrote: » You can't really have a relationship with someone if they don't want to even bother with your needs or expectations though. You'll just get hurt and angry.
qwerty13 wrote: » Then stop having a relationship with them. Or learn to manage your own expectations better.
chris525 wrote: » They were crying because I sent them a photo of me when I was 4. Well, this is their disgusting son's fault. I'll keep rubbing it in by sending them photos.
Clark Rotten Scalp wrote: » Why would you WANT your mother to come and spend time with your kids when she caused you so much hurt and has clearly demonstrated that she is she is not maternal and is quite self involved? Because she's family, and it's complicated. See how that works? I'm sorry for how distressing and complex your childhood was, and I am very angry on behalf of the little girl who never had an adult she could rely on to go to bat for her, to love her and be there for her unconditionally and consistently. But you are not that little girl anymore, you are an adult with children of your own and an ability to control your life. I know you're angry, how would you not be? But who is it helping? And if you're honest, who is it harming? You ARE NOT going to get closure over your early life from an external source like your mother or grandparents, and certainly not the kind you want. Whether or not your standards for how you want this all to play out are reasonable or justified actually doesn't hugely matter: they are unrealistic, they are not going to be met. Continuing to bang your head off that particular wall is not going to help and it's going to hurt you by keeping you stuck in this place of pain and rage. You actually have a great amount of power here though it might not feel like it. You can break this cycle of abandonment and emotional abuse and dysfunction, save yourself from having it poison the rest of your life and save your children from being hurt by it. Because I guarantee if you go on this angry and defensive and preoccupied with the past, they will be hurt. I'm not surprised and I don't blame you for being reflexively defensive given what you've been through, but try to resist that impulse and listen to what people are saying to you in the spirit it's intended, people are genuinely trying to help you.
DaeryssaOne wrote: » OP do you realise that you're thinking/acting like a stroppy teenager who isn't getting their way? This martyrdom is tiresome and you're not willing to listen to any of the good advice that has been posted here. If you actually wanted a decent relationship with your grandparents you would understand that however badly your father has treated you, he is still their son and they aren't going to just disown him at this stage in life. You are also not accepting that your mother is not going to change and is not going to want to fawn all over your kids on her holiday. I think you should tell her now that you have very high standards of how you expect her to act if she comes to stay with you and let her make a decision from there about whether she is bothered trying to be a different person for the sake of some free accommodation.
Ursus Horribilis wrote: » Accepting that someone isn't going to change is a big step to take. You aren't nearly there yet. Your mother sounds like a horrible person and maybe you shouldn't be exposing your own children to her? What do you think your grandfather should have done about your mother? Is this a mirror of why you're so angry with your father's parents? People who tolerated bad behaviour from their adult children.
chris525 wrote: » I am listening to the advice. I know they probably won't disown him but this is going to be an emotionally difficult place for me for a long time. They could at least criticize him.
chris525 wrote: » I have this weird, stupid hope that someday, sometime something will happen to my mother and she'll have an epiphany and change. It's happened to me a few times in life maybe it could happen to her.
Moving 500 km and then 8, 000 km away did help to break free of this. My maternal grandfather was good to me but he died when I was 21 and did not take actions against my mother when she was also screaming at him although he did not condone her actions.
chris525 wrote: » Yes, you have to live by standards. For example, you have to live by your employer's standards or else they will fire you. You have to avoid saying different things to different people or else you will hurt them. You have to behave in certain ways in certain situations or else people will be angry with you. It's common sense. You have to live up to your spouse's standards or you will both want a divorce. This is how life and relationships work.My father's family won't leave me alone. They keep emailing me and if I wait a week to email them back they don't like it. They were crying because I sent them a photo of me when I was 4. Well, this is their disgusting son's fault. I'll keep rubbing it in by sending them photos.
chris525 wrote: » It's just pretty sad that you can't even get some basic needs met by your own mother.
Clark Rotten Scalp wrote: » Finding out your grandparents never knew about you and now want a relationship must have felt a bit like that distance was collapsing and you were being sucked back in, how were you doing with all this before that happened? When you started working on the genealogy thing and contacted them, what was it that motivated you? From my reading you thought they were fully aware of your existence and made no attempt at a relationship, I'm interested as to what your expectations were of people like that, was it a kind of "this is the least they can do for me" thing?
StinkyMunkey wrote: » A normal healthy relationship with your grand children is spending time with them on a one to one level, such as baby sitting them or minding them - a lot of people in the thread seem oblivious to that. It's quiet dysfunctional for a grand parent or parents not to want to spend time with their grandchild, and is in no way can be considered normal behaviour. This woman clearly has no interest is anyone other than herself and is obviously a narcissist. She obviously wants to stay with you to keep costs down for herself. Your house is free accommodation to her. If I was in your position and a parent came to stay and took no time to engage with my children, they could **** right off. I wouldn't be shy about saying go visits where you like when you like, but it won't be in my house. There is always give and take, **** anyone who is all about taking.
