Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

Nekarsulm · 21-06-2019 8:07am

Most blokes would have an interest in getting their mates suited and booted, organising cars and possibly the band, the wines for the meal and the meal itself.
Zero interest in gimmicky shyte like novelty photo-booths, ice cream /sweet wagons, "favours" for guests, colour co-ordinated do-dahs or copying whatever this years bridal magazines are trying to sell you.
A friend of mine summed it up recently, "I'd rather see a Summonds come in the door than a wedding invitation"

Nikki Sixx · 21-06-2019 8:16am

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

But as others have alluded to, half the enjoyment for a woman is the agonizing indecisiveness. Spending hours talking about the dress, hotel and other details, who wants to listen to that?As others have said the bride to be holds all the power anyway, not like you are going to pick her dress, Church singers, flowers or photographer.

eviltwin · 21-06-2019 8:25am

Organising my wedding was the biggest pain in the hole and we had a tiny do and both had equal involvement. I can only imagine how much work and time goes into a traditional wedding with all the trimmings. Delighted to be married to him though.

theteal · 21-06-2019 8:28am

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

All of those are necessary activities of a functioning family/household. If someone displayed all of those traits I'd be leaning towards it being evident of sexist tendencies too.

Taking a back seat on the organisation of a party that's most likely of (another generalisation incoming) much more interest to the lady of the couple, nope, not in the same realm as any of those others.

meeeeh · 21-06-2019 8:34am

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

But as others have alluded to, half the enjoyment for a woman is the agonizing indecisiveness. Spending hours talking about the dress, hotel and other details, who wants to listen to that?As others have said the bride to be holds all the power anyway, not like you are going to pick her dress, Church singers, flowers or photographer.

Oh good god the amount of waffle in this thread about what women like is quite annoying. I preferred picking the kitchen for our house than organising a wedding. I enjoyed myself at the wedding but that doesn't mean enjoyed the hassle of organising it. The idea that women like this stuff is great because then you don't need to do anything

And btw I picked our family car. His imput was go for the automatic.

jeannae · 21-06-2019 8:38am

fleet wrote: »

Whomever wants a wedding should organize it and be grateful their partner doesn't object to the hassle and cost. If both were interested there would be clashes in taste, and if neither were interested then why bother with anything more than a BBQ and a few bottles of wine?

Very much agree. Maybe you should sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk about it?

woodchuck · 21-06-2019 8:42am

OP from this thread alone, it sounds like a lot of men just aren't interested in the finer details of organising a wedding.

i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.

If you want him to share the burden of planning the wedding, I think you'll need to delegate particular tasks to him, with deadlines. Otherwise it just won't get done (by him) by the sounds of it!

Or if he's still not pulling his weight with the wedding planning, then I think it's only fair that he picks up the slack in other areas. If you're spending x hours per week organising the wedding, then I think he should be doing more chores around the house to lighten your load.

facehugger99 · 21-06-2019 8:45am

Sleeper12 wrote: »

Do most men honestly care about the colour of the flowers, bridesmaid dresses etc?

No, but we can pretend to be if it makes things easier.

21-06-2019 8:45am

woodchuck wrote: »

OP from this thread alone, it sounds like a lot of men just aren't interested in the finer details of organising a wedding.

If you want him to share the burden of planning the wedding, I think you'll need to delegate particular tasks to him, with deadlines. Otherwise it just won't get done (by him) by the sounds of it!

Or if he's still not pulling his weight with the wedding planning, then I think it's only fair that he picks up the slack in other areas. If you're spending x hours per week organising the wedding, then I think he should be doing more chores around the house to lighten your load.

if someone in a relationship wants something much more than the other person they should be willing to accept theyll be putting in more work

they may just consider themselves lucky the other person is willing to pay half of it

meeeeh · 21-06-2019 8:48am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

if someone in a relationship wants something much more than the other person they should be willing to accept theyll be putting in more work

they may just consider themselves lucky the other person is willing to pay half of it

My husband wanted to get married more than I did. I did more work. I don't think someone who views relationships like you do should get married or hace family.

woodchuck · 21-06-2019 8:50am

Deleted User wrote: »

if someone in a relationship wants something much more than the other person they should be willing to accept theyll be putting in more work

they may just consider themselves lucky the other person is willing to pay half of it

Well if they've both agreed to get married and have decided on the usual cookie cutter Irish wedding (which I'm not a fan of myself), then they should both be involved in planning the basics. That would include choosing venues for the ceremony, reception, menu, band, dj, photographer, invites etc.

Of course if only one person wants to go above and beyond that (candy carts and all that other nonsense) then the burden should fall to them to organise those aspects.

But the basic stuff? It's completely unfair to leave all that planning to one person. Unless the other person made it clear from the start that they literally just wanted a civil ceremony for 30mins, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

Sleeper12 · 21-06-2019 8:50am

meeeeh wrote:

Oh good god the amount of waffle in this thread about what women like is quite annoying. I preferred picking the kitchen for our house than organising a wedding. I enjoyed myself at the wedding but that doesn't mean enjoyed the hassle of organising it. The idea that women like this stuff is great because then you don't need to do anything

Married almost 30 years now. Weddings were simpler than but still over the top. I think most men could do without the "wedding day" altogether. I'd have been very happy for a small service with immediate family, a meal in a restaurant and a few drinks afterwards. I'd have preferred to keep the thousands spent on the day & put it into the house.

I don't think that most men are too lazy to get involved. I think most men see it as a complete waste of money at a time when you are just starting out in life. In most cases, I believe, its her day. It's what she wants & so it's left for her to arrange.

I think weddings are such a waste of money & to make me get involved with the planning would be like having to go get the strap as a kid so your dad can hit you with. The only positive thing I can say almost 30 years on is that we have professional photos of people who are now dead. I have taken comfort in these photos but the rest of the day is a waste of money imo.

Faith · 21-06-2019 8:55am

Mod note: This is a good discussion, and I’m happy to leave it run but please let’s keep it on topic and relevant to the OP. Sexism, what we did in the 90s, how much you hate weddings etc - please leave it all out. This thread is about organizing a wedding in the next couple of years so let’s assume that the OP would like replies relevant to that, and it’s generally against the charter to use this forum to bitch about how much you hate weddings/how formulaic they are etc. We will delete posts that are not relevant to the OP going forward.

jim o doom · 21-06-2019 8:55am

My wife did everything, and I agreed with anything she wanted. We had a great day and everything was they way she wanted it to be.

Married happily ten years now and wedding day was one of the happiest of my life!

badge1123 · 21-06-2019 8:58am

helen87 wrote: »

So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

Anytime i tried to suggest anything to my fiancee about the wedding, it was greeted with don't be stupid or just a plain no. So I learned, just like your hubby i presume and many many others out there, just nod and agree.

Sleeper12 · 21-06-2019 9:02am

facehugger99 wrote:

No, but we can pretend to be if it makes things easier.

Nah. Start your marriage as you intend to go on. Honesty is the best policy.

OP I think you can see from all the posts that for the most part men do actually want to be married. Marriage is the is the important thing. Men not being interested in the wedding itself seems common & is nothing to worry about. The wedding is only one day and marriage, hopefully, will be for life

theteal · 21-06-2019 9:04am

OP hasn't been back since the OP.
Do any of the opinions shared here have an affect your mindset, OP?

I wouldn't be upset at this stage just let him know what needs to be planned and encourage him to get involved - he most likely hasn't a clue

zedhead · 21-06-2019 9:26am

eviltwin wrote: »

Organising my wedding was the biggest pain in the hole and we had a tiny do and both had equal involvement. I can only imagine how much work and time goes into a traditional wedding with all the trimmings. Delighted to be married to him though.

This!! We're doing the small registry office and then dinner with family followed by a party with others that night and it is still a nightmare to organise. We both want to be married, we both want our families with us and we both want to celebrate in some way with our friends (though eloping was considered).

Sleeper12 wrote: »

Married almost 30 years now. Weddings were simpler than but still over the top. I think most men could do without the "wedding day" altogether. I'd have been very happy for a small service with immediate family, a meal in a restaurant and a few drinks afterwards. I'd have preferred to keep the thousands spent on the day & put it into the house.

I don't think that most men are too lazy to get involved. I think most men see it as a complete waste of money at a time when you are just starting out in life. In most cases, I believe, its her day. It's what she wants & so it's left for her to arrange.

I think weddings are such a waste of money & to make me get involved with the planning would be like having to go get the strap as a kid so your dad can hit you with. The only positive thing I can say almost 30 years on is that we have professional photos of people who are now dead. I have taken comfort in these photos but the rest of the day is a waste of money imo.

If my fiance had no interest in the wedding day then I hope he would tell me and we could see if the plan we have is really what we both want. I would HATE to think that in 30 years time he thought of the wedding as that. I would absolutely rather never get married or just elope than force him into something that he felt so badly about.

I understand that for some women all the excess and finer details are more important than their finace's opinion , but it shouldn't be an assumption and it is changing so much now. There are so many more people opting for the smaller do, or eloping, and some men who are genuinely interested in the wedding planning too!

mobileforest · 21-06-2019 9:37am

What does 'look into it soon' mean? Do you have a definite date picked and are upset because your husband isn't taking ownership for some of the planning tasks or are you upset because he makes vague promises about 'getting married' but keeps putting it off? If its the latter, maybe consider moving on as he might not be serious about marriage. If the former, this sounds pretty typical. Usually, one partner has some serious interest in the wedding day while the other would be happy to just sign a piece of paper and are instead interested in being married. Some like the event, others like the institution.

In my wedding, my wife-to-be was more interested in the details of the event (but compared to many brides Ive met was pretty relaxed about it) but due to work commitments had to leave some of the planning to me. I don't think this is the norm since even when I would arrange to meet with certain vendors like florists, they'd address both all eye contact and questions to the bride (they were probably used to the groom being little more than moral support at these meetings).

Sometimes grooms feel quite powerless when it comes to weddings and consider the planning phase like walking in a minefield, never knowing which step will blow up in your face. You may say you want him to pick out colours or arrange the band but he probably believes (and in many cases with good reason) that his selection comes with consequences. Two colours may be the same to him but he knows picking the wrong one could be a real sore point for you. My advice would be to give him well-defined tasks (band, car, etc) that you don't care what is booked (ie you won't have a hysterical fit because its the 'wrong' one) and avoid the urge to micromanage his selections (in other words, those are his and his alone). Then focus on the rest. As for input, etc, ask your mother and girlfriends. Honestly, most men don't give a hoot about this stuff. For my wedding ideas, the photographer suggested setting up a Pinterest acct (back when that was a new thing). Once again due to wife's work at the time, I was the one who set it up. Yrs later and I still get the odd email update from a 'bride-to-be' sharing my pins (haven't gone to the site since the wedding), but have yet seen a single bloke share them.

Somedaythefire · 21-06-2019 9:40am

Sleeper12 wrote: »

Nah. Start your marriage as you intend to go on. Honesty is the best policy.

OP I think you can see from all the posts that for the most part men do actually want to be married. Marriage is the is the important thing. Men not being interested in the wedding itself seems common & is nothing to worry about. The wedding is only one day and marriage, hopefully, will be for life

Yeah, this goes along with me. I'm engaged, and want to be married, but the finer details I don't really care about as long as they're nice. The only thing I'm pushy about is not putting others out, no wedding abroad or stuff like that.

Sleeper12 · 21-06-2019 10:07am

zedhead wrote:

If my fiance had no interest in the wedding day then I hope he would tell me and we could see if the plan we have is really what we both want. I would HATE to think that in 30 years time he thought of the wedding as that. I would absolutely rather never get married or just elope than force him into something that he felt so badly about.

If every man that had no interest in the wedding told their bride there would be couples splitting up left, right & center or at the very least all out rows. I went along with it for the same reason most grooms go along with it, because I loved her and wanted her to have the day she wanted. Marriage is the important thing to me not the wedding. It still is almost 30 years on. In pretty sure if you started a thread with a poll most male responders would be happy to be married in a cardboard box. For the most part we could care less about the wedding. I'd venture to say that most men would want a smaller day costing a 10th of what it actually costs. Most men I talk to, talk about how those thousands of pounds or euros could have been better spent on the house.

The only wedding I've ever been at, that the groom was as involved in the planning as the bride was a gay wedding.

A poll would make an interesting thread. I think a lot of brides would be shocked at the results

meeeeh · 21-06-2019 10:08am

Somedaythefire wrote: »

Yeah, this goes along with me. I'm engaged, and want to be married, but the finer details I don't really care about as long as they're nice. The only thing I'm pushy about is not putting others out, no wedding abroad or stuff like that.

I'm not having a go at you but 'as long as it's nice' means you do care. Most people have certain expectations around wedding and you need to voice them. I suspect most people care about who is invited, where people are seated, what the menu is, do they like the band and so on. Candy cart keeps being mentioned but organising wedding is so much more than just candy carts. It's to make sure family members and those you care about are taken care of. I don't really care should be worded as I don't really want to do the work but I expect it to be done up to certain standard.

jam_mac_jam · 21-06-2019 10:14am

I think the way to get around it is to assign him some tasks and dates. If you don’t want to be stuck with all the work you need to split this. So one of you go and check out photographers and the other looks at the meals or whatever and then the two of you decide what you want. He likely doesn’t care but the work still needs to be done.

I don’t really care about mine and want it as small as possible. I am having a wedding of 12 people to try and keep the fuss down. It really depends on the woman/ man and in general yes most women are concerned about these things.

There is a difference between being not really too concerned about the detail and letting you do all the work. If you don’t want to get stuck with all the work and resenting this then you need to organize who is going to do what now.

Meauldsegosha · 21-06-2019 11:04am

We are at the business end of organising our wedding (11weeks to go

). At the start my H2b was involved in picking the date, Hotel etc and he planned the honeymoon. Since then, while we discussed things, he hasn’t really been involved in the organising. His thinking was “it’s months away, we don’t need to be thinking about it now”. However, in the last two weeks he has been very involved, confirming bookings with supplies, choosing ceremony songs/poems etc.

From talking to friends it seems a lot of their husbands where the same.

helen87 · 21-06-2019 12:54pm

thanks for all the replies it has been very helpful.
I now realise from all your comments that while i know he wants no get married, he is just like a lot of the people have commented not bothered with the details.
If he could just turn up on the day he would.
He is not very good at organising anything in general anyway. I always plan everything, holidays , money stuff so this will just fall in line with that!
I think i will just have to give him a few things to do and deadlines for them.
I don't have a problem doing the majority of the planning TBH we want to keep it as simple as possible (if thats possible!!) we have been together 11 years but just want to make it official now without blowing a budget. Honeymoon is far more important to us than the wedding itself!

seasidedub · 21-06-2019 1:13pm

helen87 wrote: »

thanks for all the replies it has been very helpful.
I now realise from all your comments that while i know he wants no get married, he is just like a lot of the people have commented not bothered with the details.
If he could just turn up on the day he would.
He is not very good at organising anything in general anyway. I always plan everything, holidays , money stuff so this will just fall in line with that!
I think i will just have to give him a few things to do and deadlines for them.
I don't have a problem doing the majority of the planning TBH we want to keep it as simple as possible (if thats possible!!) we have been together 11 years but just want to make it official now without blowing a budget. Honeymoon is far more important to us than the wedding itself!

Lots of good luck and best wishes. I hope you get the day you want and a great honeymoon.

Neyite · 21-06-2019 3:54pm

My brother had very little interest in his wedding preparations. He's been happily married for over two decades.

My own partner literally could not care less what kind of wedding day I plan, bar one or two small elements, but he definitely wants to marry me. He just hates crowds and family get-togethers and even more so when he's a focal part of that. It's the marriage part that is meaningful to him, not the wedding. He's having a wedding because I'd like one, he would happily do a registry office on his lunch break because he feels like we are married anyway.

Some guys are just laid back and genuinely don't care what colours/themes they have on the day but are no less committed to the idea of marriage.

limnam · 21-06-2019 4:06pm

....... wrote: »

I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.

Some lads are very good at feigning interest to keep the peace.

Scarinae · 21-06-2019 4:13pm

I think I'm in the minority here as my fiancé has been very involved in our wedding planning. He's the one who originally found our venue, although we visited it together and agreed upon it. There are a few bits I'm not pushed on, like the cars and the wedding favours, so he's taking the lead on those, while I found the photographer and videographer and will be taking the lead on the flowers. There are a few things I would happily drop, like the first dance, but it is important to him so we'll probably keep it in.

Tazium · 21-06-2019 4:14pm

hullaballoo wrote: »

I just got married on Friday and for the 9 months from the engagement until the week before last, I had very little input. As people have said, it's not a cop out, just that there's not much input required from the groom.

I also work to deadlines so it wasn't a priority until work finished. I did a lot in the last few days to get the final bits and pieces together as Mrs hullaballoo was working until the Wednesday before but that was the least I could do at that stage.

Congrats!

I'll be married end of August. I've been involved throughout with organisation and wouldn't have it any other way. There's a bunch of stuff I care less about, hen nights, dresses, makeup, flowers and that kind of thing. But I've been picking readings, booking extra rooms, music, registrar, photographer, invitation design and such. That said, everything is well communicated and agreed which is more to do with our relationship than the event itself.

Everyone is different, but you shouldn't have to do it alone.

seamus · 21-06-2019 4:16pm

....... wrote: »

I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.

Imagine your partner is like, really into cars. Since they were four years old, they've looked at cars going down the road, looked at car magazines, talked to their mates about cars, dreamed about the car that they will own someday.

You've always known that you will get a car one day, but that's about the extent of it. You've not paid any attention to cars really.

So when it comes to buying your first car together, you just want a car. Your preference might extend to something in red, with a manual gearbox and five doors. But for the most part you just want something that takes you from point A to point B.

But your partner has lots of opinions. Everything from the type of trim inside, to the make & model of radio, size of the wheels, level of tint on the windows. There is not a single aspect of the vehicle which they don't have an opinion on.
So when you're talking about the car you're going to buy, your partner is asking your opinion on these million different details.

And it's not that you don't want a car, just that you have absolutely no opinion on any of these tiny details. But you are aware that your partner feels really strongly about it and is really excited about it, so you're happy to let them go off and do it with minimal input from you. Because for the most part you'd just feel like you were getting in the way.

20% tint or 30% tint on the windows? Don't know, don't mind, whatever you want love.

This is wedding planning for the majority of couples.

ongarboy · 21-06-2019 4:16pm

I find it incredible that men don't mind spending 10s of thousands on something they are indifferent to or don't care about. I never hear them giving about the cost in that context.

OP - to answer your question, as other may have said, it's no reflection on the validity of your relationship nor would it suggest that he would be unhelpful in general about other things (you know him 11 plus years so you know him well). You always hear women saying that when they were girls they had dreams of big white weddings. Have you ever heard men saying this? Weddings and all the finer details are not something that concerns him, hence his lack of active engagement in the planning of the wedding.

PS - I have to laugh at the women here who said they wouldn't marry the man they (allegedly) love if he wasn't as equally as obsessed as them in the chocolate fountains, the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and the seating arrangements for the cousins up from Skibbereen....ie the finer details of typical Irish weddings...etc. Are they seriously saying they'd call off their engagements if their other halves weren't as equally passionate about the weddings as them? That is sheer madness and a lucky escape for those grooms to be in that case!

21-06-2019 4:20pm

meeeeh wrote: »

My husband wanted to get married more than I did. I did more work. I don't think someone who views relationships like you do should get married or hace family.

frankly- thats a ****ty statement to make and shame on you.

OP, i hope youre taking the positive message here in that yr fella may really not be into the wedding and there's no correlation between that and how he feels about you and the relationship.

Scarinae · 21-06-2019 4:28pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

We haven't obsessed about the finer details like ye have since you were 6 or so.

seamus wrote: »

I think the stereotype is true, and mainly because one's wedding day is hyped up from when you're a child, imagining all of the things you'll do and wear and say ... for women.

pocketse wrote: »

Women do tend to go a bit mad at the wedding thing to be honest. Sweeping generalisation but they've been planning this in their head since they were little.

seamus wrote: »

Imagine your partner is like, really into cars. Since they were four years old, they've looked at cars going down the road, looked at car magazines, talked to their mates about cars, dreamed about the car that they will own someday.

ongarboy wrote: »

You always hear women saying that when they were girls they had dreams of big white weddings.

What is with this stereotype of women planning their weddings in their heads from when they were small children? I don't know anybody like this.

seamus · 21-06-2019 4:36pm

Scarinae wrote: »

What is with this stereotype of women planning their weddings in their heads from when they were small children? I don't know anybody like this.

I can only go from what I've seen, but a majority of women I know have thought about what kind of wedding they would have (big/small/church/registry), what their wedding dress would look like, who their bridesmaids would be, and little details like colour schemes, since at least early adolescence.

And maybe that's because one friend is really into it, so the rest just go along with the discussion.

meeeeh · 21-06-2019 4:38pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

frankly- thats a ****ty statement to make and shame on you.

OP, i hope youre taking the positive message here in that yr fella may really not be into the wedding and there's no correlation between that and how he feels about you and the relationship.

You might feel it's ****ty thing to say. I might think it's ****ty to dump something on your partner because they care about it more. In belief marriage is partnership, you should only have family if both partners are prepared to contribute not keeping a score who wants something more.

I'm married because of Irish laws and because it meant a lot to my partner. We were engaged for about 10 years and I would still happily continue to be engaged. I did more stuff for the wedding, not because it meant so much to me but because it meant something to him. He works longer hours than I do, the wedding was where I come from so it was easier. We didn't have many gimmicks, no bridal party, I did not wear a wedding dress but we had decent food and drink. And that needs to be organised too. Marriage is a partnership and wedding should be approached as such not keeping score about who wants something more and expecting special gratitude for your financial contribution.

Hedgelayer · 21-06-2019 4:41pm

I'd be fairly worried about a guy who's a bit overbearing and enthusiastic about the wedding.

It's all about the bride, how she looks and her lovely dress.

It's her day out, the lads just like to drink and catch up with old time's and talking about family life.

The groom seems pretty normal to me...

zedhead · 21-06-2019 4:47pm

ongarboy wrote: »

PS - I have to laugh at the women here who said they wouldn't marry the man they (allegedly) love if he wasn't as equally as obsessed as them in the chocolate fountains, the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and the seating arrangements for the cousins up from Skibbereen....ie the finer details of typical Irish weddings...etc. Are they seriously saying they'd call off their engagements if their other halves weren't as equally passionate about the weddings as them? That is sheer madness and a lucky escape for those grooms to be in that case!

I maybe one of the people you are referencing here but its not what I said (or what i inferred from any of the other similar comments). I personally have no interest in all of that rubbish either, but i would rather have open communication between us about what was important to each of us about the day. If I started talking about spending money on chocolate fountains, photo booths etc and my partner had no interest I would rather he say I think thats a waste of money and we could discuss whether we want it to be part of our day. Not just a blanket 'he's not interested so I as the bride will do as I please'.

We discussed what elements we wanted to include in our wedding and what we were comfortable spending on each of those elements. If either of us suggested something the other didn't think was important then a decision was made as to whether or not we would include it - for example we were talking about flowers. I didn't feel they were worth spending much money on and would be happy to grab a few fake flowers to put together. He didn't care about the flowers and wasn't sure we even needed any flowers at all and thought it might be a waste of money - so we investigated, saw what was available and agreed it was worth the €30 odd euro to make 2 cheap bouquets of flowers for the day.

Whatever works for each couple obviously, but for me - its not a case of if he's not as interested I wouldn't want to marry him, it would be if we couldnt communicate about it (or anything) without him dismissing me I wouldn't want to marry him.

zedhead · 21-06-2019 4:49pm

seamus wrote: »

Imagine your partner is like, really into cars. Since they were four years old, they've looked at cars going down the road, looked at car magazines, talked to their mates about cars, dreamed about the car that they will own someday.

You've always known that you will get a car one day, but that's about the extent of it. You've not paid any attention to cars really.

So when it comes to buying your first car together, you just want a car. Your preference might extend to something in red, with a manual gearbox and five doors. But for the most part you just want something that takes you from point A to point B.

But your partner has lots of opinions. Everything from the type of trim inside, to the make & model of radio, size of the wheels, level of tint on the windows. There is not a single aspect of the vehicle which they don't have an opinion on.
So when you're talking about the car you're going to buy, your partner is asking your opinion on these million different details.

And it's not that you don't want a car, just that you have absolutely no opinion on any of these tiny details. But you are aware that your partner feels really strongly about it and is really excited about it, so you're happy to let them go off and do it with minimal input from you. Because for the most part you'd just feel like you were getting in the way.

20% tint or 30% tint on the windows? Don't know, don't mind, whatever you want love.

This is wedding planning for the majority of couples.

I might not care or have thought about the finer details of stuff like this but obviously there is a cost differential so I would ask them what the benefits of each were and give an opinion about whether I thought it was worth the extra cost for the extra 10% tint. I wouldn't just say - you go ahead and choose the car love its grand. I'd get involved as it is a large purchase we were making together.

lazygal · 22-06-2019 6:31pm

It would do my head in if my husband had left the planning up to me and would have set us up for a life time of me doing all the "life planning" in our marriage. Boring stuff which needs to be done like remembering birthdays and planning presents for the kids and a mother's day card and the myriad stuff which so many women end up taking on.
We planned our wedding together. I don't buy the excuses people give about not being detail oriented or not caring once you turn up on the day but the reality is that anything but a registry office basic wedding requires planning and if he and you want more than that he needs to get the finger out. He's an adult, he needs to cop on.

Nekarsulm · 22-06-2019 10:26pm

ongarboy wrote: »

I find it incredible that men don't mind spending 10s of thousands on something they are indifferent to or don't care about. I never hear them giving about the cost in that context.

Whats their option?
Deny the woman they love their "big day"?
Why would they do that?

Anyway, work the wedding list/guest numbers right and they can reduce the cost from 25 thousand euro to nearer fifteen....

LirW · 23-06-2019 1:30pm

Planning ruined the wedding joy for both of us. We were halfway through the process and both absolutely miserable because we realised we're not doing it for ourselves but to please people. I never wanted a white wedding, he didn't care either.
We watched some show one day of people eloping to Vegas and that evening we decided to scrap it all and do this instead.

Got married in March and absolutely no regrets not having anyone, not even the kids with us. We then went on a roadtrip and it was absolutely amazing.
I'm a very organised person and planner by nature but for some reason wedding didn't do it for me. And I realised it is okay.

His input was that we sat down and decided on a photographer together and where to have it. I have planned a few roadtrip routes and we decided which one we'd like the most. That was pretty much it and we were both delighted of how easy we made it for ourselves in the end.

ginandtonicsky · 24-06-2019 1:04am

Scarinae wrote: »

What is with this stereotype of women planning their weddings in their heads from when they were small children? I don't know anybody like this.

+1. This is just bizarre to me. I don't know if I'll ever marry, but if I do I certainly won't be re-enacting some childhood fantasy I've played out in my female brain for decades. LOL! It literally has never occurred to me what kind of wedding I'd want, I'd imagine we'd figure it out as a couple rather than me calling all the shots, which sounds like a pain in the arse tbh.

I'd be fairly pissed if my fella was leaving it all down to me too, and of the last say 5 weddings I've been to the groom has been pretty involved in the process as a joint effort. Unless the woman has gone totally nuts bridezilla on him and he's decided to nod and smile along, it'd be a bit sh1t to have a totally uninvolved, complacent fella who just thinks the whole thing is the bride's job to sort out.

Scarinae · 24-06-2019 6:08pm

seamus wrote: »

I can only go from what I've seen, but a majority of women I know have thought about what kind of wedding they would have (big/small/church/registry), what their wedding dress would look like, who their bridesmaids would be, and little details like colour schemes, since at least early adolescence.

And maybe that's because one friend is really into it, so the rest just go along with the discussion.

Nah, I still think that is bullsh1t. Maybe most of us assume that getting married is something we will do someday when we’re grown up, much as we assume that someday we will have a house and a job, but that is not the same thing as planning all the details since we were children. Sure, six-year-old me expected to get married someday, but I also aspired to be a magician.

In my case, if you had asked me as a child what kind of wedding dress I would one day wear I probably would have said something like a Barbie wedding dress. Fashions change; a wedding dress from five years ago wouldn’t necessarily be in fashion now, let alone one from 20-30 years ago. As for knowing who my bridesmaids would be – I am having four bridesmaids, three of whom I didn’t meet until after I had finished school (the other one is my sister). I don’t even know what my colour scheme will be at this stage, just over a year before my wedding, and I certainly didn’t have it planned since childhood/early adolescence.

I think this is just a lazy trope spouted by men who see weddings as ‘women’s stuff’.

baby and crumble · 25-06-2019 10:16am

Scarinae wrote: »

I don’t even know what my colour scheme will be at this stage, just over a year before my wedding, and I certainly didn’t have it planned since childhood/early adolescence.

I think this is just a lazy trope spouted by men who see weddings as ‘women’s stuff’.

Agreed. There were two women in our wedding planning, how were we meant to sort it out if we'd both been dreaming of different weddings since we were little kids?

There's stereotypes that happen for a reason, I'll grant you, and overall it does seem like a lot of guys in straight relationships are happy to let their partner take the reins, but part of me wonders if it's moreso because so many (particularly in Ireland) are just used to having the women in their lives organise everything for them?

My best friend basically organised his wedding from start to finish because his wife had zero interest and was working practically 24/7 in the lead up. But his Mam was never one of the Irish mammies who did everything for him and his Dad, they were very much expected to sort themselves out.

25-06-2019 10:26am

"all women have it planned in their heads since 6" is certainly a very sweeping statement and worth picking holes in

"the majority of brides care much more than grooms about the minutiae of the event" is something i think most of us have observed to be true, tho?

Neyite · 25-06-2019 10:31am

baby and crumble wrote: »

There's stereotypes that happen for a reason, I'll grant you, and overall it does seem like a lot of guys in straight relationships are happy to let their partner take the reins, but part of me wonders if it's moreso because so many (particularly in Ireland) are just used to having the women in their lives organise everything for them?

Wifework/ The mental load. I probably would have spotted it earlier in my relationship had we got married before starting out family. But it became very noticeable after we had a baby. My partner I think, assumed that I would automatically know baby related stuff when in reality, it was on here, mumsnet and other places that I figured it all out (and still do). I probably had the weirdest google search history. Then, because you've proven yourself capable of project management of something like a wedding or newborn, other stuff tends to fall your way too - researching the family holiday, sorting out the back to school stuff, knowing where things are kept in the house.

I had to push back against the assumption of The Mental Load. Mostly by joking but sometimes by getting pissed off. And it worked. That sounds like a contradiction since upthread I've said that I'm doing the wedding planning, but there's a difference between falling into preferred tasks/ roles in your relationship because you like it as opposed to being expected to do XYZ because of gender.

jam_mac_jam · 25-06-2019 10:47am

Deleted User wrote: »

"all women have it planned in their heads since 6" is certainly a very sweeping statement and worth picking holes in

"the majority of brides care much more than grooms about the minutiae of the event" is something i think most of us have observed to be true, tho?

Yes however, it doesn't mean he can't help with the organization. Its all very well for men to say they don't care, they will care if its crap.

What we are going is both looking up places or things and then deciding between us. Some things are more important to him that I don't really care about, there is a lot of work so its not really fair to leave it up to one person.

Sunny Dayz · 25-06-2019 11:58am

Neyite wrote: »

Wifework/ The mental load. I probably would have spotted it earlier in my relationship had we got married before starting out family. But it became very noticeable after we had a baby. My partner I think, assumed that I would automatically know baby related stuff when in reality, it was on here, mumsnet and other places that I figured it all out (and still do). I probably had the weirdest google search history. Then, because you've proven yourself capable of project management of something like a wedding or newborn, other stuff tends to fall your way too - researching the family holiday, sorting out the back to school stuff, knowing where things are kept in the house.

I had to push back against the assumption of The Mental Load. Mostly by joking but sometimes by getting pissed off. And it worked. That sounds like a contradiction since upthread I've said that I'm doing the wedding planning, but there's a difference between falling into preferred tasks/ roles in your relationship because you like it as opposed to being expected to do XYZ because of gender.

I can relate to this and when I look back at our wedding planning now 8 or 9 years later I can see it starting. While we would have jointly looked at venues, bands, photographers etc - it was me having to instigate it, and left to me to make the final decisions. And that's the way our married life is going - it's left to me to instigate, make decisions, organise school stuff, remind him of his nieces/nephew's birthdays etc.

Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

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