Adults living with their parents...

guitarzero · 25-08-2012 1:06pm #1

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

christmas2012 · 25-08-2012 1:08pm

keep your low profile and take up some voluntary work in the meantime if you can manage it or even a job blocker like FAS or jobbridge..

o1s1n · 25-08-2012 1:09pm

The idea of having to live in the family home again makes me feel ill. I get on with the folks really well, but that's mainly because I don't live with them. If I did, we'd all be killing each other.

3ndahalfof6 · 25-08-2012 1:12pm

you need to leave Ireland, go to a country where there is work and get a job, your a big human now time to fly the nest and let mammy have a rest, it will do you the world of good.

Harpy · 25-08-2012 1:13pm

guitarzero wrote: »

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

Has she always been like this or is it a more recent thing? Could she be maybe going through the 'change'?

guitarzero · 25-08-2012 1:14pm

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

you need to leave Ireland, go to a country where there is work and get a job, your a big human now time to fly the nest and let mammy have a rest, it will do you the world of good.

Last I checked the only place hiring is Australia, which brings with it all the other necessities i.e money. A few extra details would be handy...

dlofnep · 25-08-2012 1:14pm

guitarzero wrote: »

Are all Irish mammy's like this?

Yes.

juan.kerr · 25-08-2012 1:15pm

Is the thread title not an oxymoron? Only kidding, I've experienced the same.

I guess the reality is she expected to have an empty house at this stage (regardless of how much she loves her children).

In the past we've had full blown arguments over hypothetical situations, then it's forgotten the next day.

guitarzero · 25-08-2012 1:16pm

Harpy wrote: »

Has she always been like this or is it a more recent thing? Could she be maybe going through the 'change'?

This is the thing, it seems to be subtly progressive. It wasnt always like this, I cant tell if its circumstantial, biological or both.

brembo26 · 25-08-2012 1:16pm

I know a lad in a very secure full time job thats still living at home and he's 30. Of all people that should be getting that reaction of their mother its this lad :-P

3ndahalfof6 · 25-08-2012 1:20pm

guitarzero wrote: »

Last I checked the only place hiring is Australia, which brings with it all the other necessities i.e money. A few extra details would be handy...

someone help me out here, im at work.

whirlpool · 25-08-2012 1:28pm

Harpy wrote: »

Has she always been like this or is it a more recent thing? Could she be maybe going through the 'change'?

Don't underestimate how much validity there could be in this suggested explanation. Honestly.

cruais · 25-08-2012 1:29pm

guitarzero wrote: »

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

Menopause alert! Good luck op!

meoklmrk91 · 25-08-2012 1:29pm

I'm 21 and moved back home with the mammy for a number of reasons, to save money for college and to help her with the bills, to keep her company, she hates living on her own. it's worked out grand. She can be fierce annoying but then I assume I can too, stay out of each others way most of the time, I'm usually in college or gone to friends houses, it at home I am usually in my domain, my bedroom and she is in hers the living room. If she starts doing her mammy thing I am very good at tuning her out.

Try to spend a good few hours outside of the house everyday, whether you go to friends houses or volunteer or whatever, if your gone for most of the day she can't whine at ya.

Oranage2 · 25-08-2012 1:34pm

I haven't lived at home for nearly 3 years but every now and then i still get my crazy ole wan ringing me in a fit of rage looking for unpaid rent and to clean my room. I don't know how anyone could put up with that everyday.

Mammys be crazy!

marshbaboon · 25-08-2012 1:36pm

I moved home & only my dad lives here.

Mightn't see/speak to him for weeks on end.

guitarzero · 25-08-2012 1:40pm

cruais wrote: »

Menopause alert! Good luck op!

Hah', I'm well aware, 2 boxes of health food supplements beginning with 'meno..' lying about are a bit of a give away.

maxfresh · 25-08-2012 1:45pm

marshbaboon wrote: »

I moved home & only my dad lives here.

Mightn't see/speak to him for weeks on end.

Do u live in a mansion?

marshbaboon · 25-08-2012 1:47pm

maxfresh wrote: »

Do u live in a mansion?

If a 3 bed semi is considered a mansion these days, yes.

shopaholic01 · 25-08-2012 1:48pm

Tricky situation, guitarzero. It's becoming more common now as adults are forced to move home due to unemployment, I know a couple of people forced to rent their homes to pay the mortgage and moving home as a result.

If she's meonpausal try to keep out of the way as much as possible. Good luck with the job search, in the meantime try volunteering as previously suggested. Not only will it get you out of the house, but it will look better on a cv.

25-08-2012 1:51pm

In the dim and distant past, only the first born son stayed in the parents house - he brought his wife to live there, all the others were pushed out as soon as possible.

Could history be about to repeat??

HavingCrack · 25-08-2012 1:52pm

I think it's interesting how living with your parents is considered 'the norm' in a lot of Asian and African cultures, even after you're married-grandparents, parents, children living in the one house is very common. It's only really in 'western' countries that adults living at home is considered odd.

Rigol · 25-08-2012 2:04pm

Is that you Sean jr.
You ungrateful little bastard. PS Your older brother actually IS my favorite.

Grayson · 25-08-2012 2:14pm

I read somewhere recently that as women get older their daughters become their best friends. They based this on the fact that middle aged/elderly women spend more time calling their daughters than anyone else.

I think it's more acceptable for a daughter to live at home. Not only do they get on better with their mothers, but let's face it, a guy living at home doesn't look great.

It's one thing if it's for economic reasons, but it's entirely another if it's a mammys boy

Daveysil15 · 25-08-2012 2:24pm

HavingCrack wrote: »

I think it's interesting how living with your parents is considered 'the norm' in a lot of Asian and African cultures, even after you're married-grandparents, parents, children living in the one house is very common. It's only really in 'western' countries that adults living at home is considered odd.

This is very true. The Irish got a bit carried away with getting on the property ladder during the boom years. I did a thread similar to this a while back, only it was about men still living at home been a deal breaker for women. That can be a real issue.

One thing that has not been mentioned a whole lot is people who have nobody to rent or share an apartment with. Suppose a person in their late 20's is still living at home but wants to move out, only they have nobody else to live with. Apart from been very expensive to rent alone, it would also be quite lonely and I think some would rather live at home for that reason.

spankysue · 25-08-2012 2:33pm

Grayson wrote: »

I read somewhere recently that as women get older their daughters become their best friends. They based this on the fact that middle aged/elderly women spend more time calling their daughters than anyone else.

I think it's more acceptable for a daughter to live at home. Not only do they get on better with their mothers, but let's face it, a guy living at home doesn't look great.

I'm in my late 20's and there's no way I could go back and live with my mother. We do get on grand, but that's cause I only see her once a week or so.

My older sis sees her nearly every day, and all me mother does then is moan about me big sis on the phone to me, about how she's over there every day and then moans if she doesn't call to her.

The woman's an enigma wrapped up in a puzzle :rolleyes:

marshbaboon · 25-08-2012 2:35pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

This is very true. The Irish got a bit carried away with getting on the property ladder during the boom years. I did a thread similar to this a while back, only it was about men still living at home been a deal breaker for women. That can be a real issue.

One thing that has not been mentioned a whole lot is people who have nobody to rent or share an apartment with. Suppose a person in their late 20's is still living at home but wants to move out, only they have nobody else to live with. Apart from been very expensive to rent alone, it would also be quite lonely and I think some would rather live at home for that reason.

A girl living with her parents wouldn't put me off at all.

Id rather a girl was living with her parents than with weird, unclean housemates.

bluecode · 25-08-2012 2:35pm

I and all my family have at different times over the years lived at home with the Parents and now Mother. Generally most of us only moved out when we went to live abroad for a time. But I remember at one point living with my Mother, and two of my sisters one of whom was married with two kids. Her husband wasn't with her. He was settling things in London. But we all came and went at different times.

I do think it depends on the personalities involved. We're all easy going as is my Mother. We would fight but never hold grudges.

Never had a real problem. I stayed longer than I wanted to but that was because I couldn't afford a place of my own for a long time.

The funny thing though was that just before I got married I was back living with my Mother for logistical reasons and after we came home from our honeymoon. I kissed goodbye to my new wife and went home to Mammy.:D My new wife went home to our house alone. I only visited my wife at weekends and days off for the next three months.

Sounds crazy but in fact there was a simple reason. We had moved out of Dublin to her home town but I hadn't found a job there at that point. I was going to quit anyway but then my company offered redundancies. The catch was that it would take a few months. So I was stuck there. It was worth it in the end even if it was a little frustrating. So technically I was living with my Mother in my forties while married!

That's pretty unique.

girl in the striped socks · 25-08-2012 2:36pm

I'd sooner live out of my car before I'd move back in with mammy & daddy.
They wouldn't be the easiest to get on with, have to know every detail of where you are, what you're doing, how just rang/ text the phone you own & pay for, stir frys or currys are "foreign" food so therefore shouldn't be trusted, having the odd glass of wine with dinner is a sure sign I'm a raging alcoholic, expensive clothes get discoloured & ruined because there's no point putting on a half load of their own clothes so they pick up a few of mine to get their money's worth out of the machine etc.
For my sanity it's better that we live in seperate houses that are not near each other.

25-08-2012 2:42pm

I get on very well with my parents, only moved out at 23, lived at home though college by choice. Still go home a lot weekends and nearly all my holidays and bank holidays etc are spent at home. After I finish the postgrad course I'm doing I'm actually looking forward to moving home for a while. I don't understand people not getting on with their parents if Im honest.

marshbaboon · 25-08-2012 2:43pm

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

I'd sooner live out of my car before I'd move back in with mammy & daddy.
They wouldn't be the easiest to get on with, have to know every detail of where you are, what you're doing, how just rang/ text the phone you own & pay for, stir frys or currys are "foreign" food so therefore shouldn't be trusted, having the odd glass of wine with dinner is a sure sign I'm a raging alcoholic, expensive clothes get discoloured & ruined because there's no point putting on a half load of their own clothes so they pick up a few of mine to get their money's worth out of the machine etc.
For my sanity it's better that we live in seperate houses that are not near each other.

You're so lucky. Even when I was a teenager I'd have to be missing for at least a week before anyone would notice.

Daveysil15 · 25-08-2012 2:43pm

marshbaboon wrote: »

A girl living with her parents wouldn't put me off at all.

Id rather a girl was living with her parents than with weird, unclean housemates.

Exactly. It's not like you'd have anymore privacy for the "hows you father," if she's living with flatmates. If I really like a girl I don't care where she lives, but you'd be surprised how many people find this a deal breaker in a potential partner.

marshbaboon · 25-08-2012 2:47pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Exactly. It's not like you'd have anymore privacy for the "hows you father," if she's living with flatmates. If I really like a girl I don't care where she lives, but you'd be surprised how many people find this a deal breaker in a potential partner.

I probably wouldn't be surprised tbh. I also wouldn't be too bothered, anyone who would discard a relationship based solely on that fact probably wouldn't be compatible with me anyway.

The only way you get privacy in a relationship is when you live together, which you really won't/shouldn't be doing for a long time no matter who you meet.

Ciderswigger · 25-08-2012 2:49pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

If I really like a girl I don't care where she lives, but you'd be surprised how many people find this a deal breaker in a potential partner.

+1. It wouldn't bother me if they lived at home due to unemployment/trying to get back on their feet/saving to rent a place, etc. (I'm living at home with the mammy and commuting to college) BUT if they have a good job and a steady income and still lived at home it would be a deal breaker.

girl in the striped socks · 25-08-2012 2:51pm

marshbaboon wrote: »

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

I'd sooner live out of my car before I'd move back in with mammy & daddy.
They wouldn't be the easiest to get on with, have to know every detail of where you are, what you're doing, how just rang/ text the phone you own & pay for, stir frys or currys are "foreign" food so therefore shouldn't be trusted, having the odd glass of wine with dinner is a sure sign I'm a raging alcoholic, expensive clothes get discoloured & ruined because there's no point putting on a half load of their own clothes so they pick up a few of mine to get their money's worth out of the machine etc.
For my sanity it's better that we live in seperate houses that are not near each other.

You're so lucky. Even when I was a teenager I'd have to be missing for at least a week before anyone would notice.

That's not luck. It's pure nosiness on their part.
They have to know everything, & if something is going on that they don't have the details on then they make wild assumptions.

marshbaboon · 25-08-2012 2:53pm

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

That's not luck. It's pure nosiness on their part.
They have to know everything, & if something is going on that they don't have the details on then they make wild assumptions.

At least they care.

Grayson · 25-08-2012 2:59pm

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

, having the odd glass of wine with dinner is a sure sign I'm a raging alcoholic,

To be fair, they are right there

It'll be the crack and heroin next.

Royale with Cheese · 25-08-2012 2:59pm

I'm planning on doing a bit of travelling next year so will be moving back home a month or so beforehand as I'll be leaving my house share. The idea does not bother me in the slightest. A lot of people will say 'oh there's no way I could move back in with my parents now, how could you possibly do that?', forgetting that everyone's parents are different. Mine are cool, I get on really well with them and they're easy to live with (as am I apparently).

Another point is that due to various factors I am in a house share with people I did not previously know, some of whom are gob****es. At least I know and can trust my parents. That said I wouldn't move back unless I had to.

Grayson · 25-08-2012 3:00pm

Royale with Cheese wrote: »

I'm planning on doing a bit of travelling next year so will be moving back home a month or so beforehand as I'll be leaving my house share. The idea does not bother me in the slightest. A lot of people will say 'oh there's no way I could move back in with my parents now, how could you possibly do that?', forgetting that everyone's parents are different. Mine are cool, I get on really well with them and they're easy to live with (as am I apparently).

Another point is that due to various factors I am in a house share with people I did not previously know, some of whom are gob****es. At least I know and can trust my parents. That said I wouldn't move back unless I had to.

But that's just for a month with a definite end in sight. It'd be different if it was open ended.

latte2010 · 25-08-2012 3:01pm

There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

And so it should be `her way or the high way`. Although she`s your Ma your still pretty much a guest in her house at this stage in your life.

Royale with Cheese · 25-08-2012 3:03pm

Grayson wrote: »

But that's just for a month with a definite end in sight. It'd be different if it was open ended.

Don't think so. I'd be happier not to have to move home permanently, but if it were to come down to that it wouldn't bother me that much. I'm sure I'd have bigger things to worry about if I'd lost my job and couldn't afford rent anymore.

Daveysil15 · 25-08-2012 3:04pm

Ciderswigger wrote: »

BUT if they have a good job and a steady income and still lived at home it would be a deal breaker.

But would it be anymore advantageous if the person is living with a bunch of flatmates? OK it proves that they're a bit more independent, but you'd still have no privacy.

Sierra 117 · 25-08-2012 3:06pm

latte2010 wrote: »

And so it should be `her way or the high way`. Although she`s your Ma your still pretty much a guest in her house at this stage in your life.

He's paying rent so he's not a guest.

phasers · 25-08-2012 3:08pm

I love my parents, I'm in no rush to move out tbh

even when I do I think I'll be here a lot, my brother and sister have moved out but we still see one or both of them almost every day

PseudoFamous · 25-08-2012 3:12pm

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

That's not luck. It's pure nosiness on their part.
They have to know everything, & if something is going on that they don't have the details on then they make wild assumptions.

If I go out with friends, I always get asked if there was drugs or drink involved. If I say "Yes, there was", I get accused of being a drunkard or a waster, if I say "No", I get accused of being a liar.

If I choose to not go out, I'm antisocial and should go make some friends.

Ciderswigger · 25-08-2012 3:16pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

But would it be anymore advantageous if the person is living with a bunch of flatmates? OK it proves that they're a bit more independent, but you'd still have no privacy.

It's not privacy, or lack of, that would bother me but more so why is he living at home when he can be independent and fend for himself.

Obviously if there was a family illness or other factors that would prevent him from moving out it would be different but what I mean is if family life is normal and he was chosing to be at home it would definitely have an impact on my view of him. Maybe not enough to dump him but I would wonder if he was lazy or expected the same of me if we were to live together.

25-08-2012 3:18pm

Ciderswigger wrote: »

BUT if they have a good job and a steady income and still lived at home it would be a deal breaker.

What if they would prefer to save the the cost of rent towards buying their own place a little bit down the line?

Daveysil15 · 25-08-2012 3:22pm

Ciderswigger wrote: »

It's not privacy, or lack of, that would bother me but more so why is he living at home when he can be independent and fend for himself.

Obviously if there was a family illness or other factors that would prevent him from moving out it would be different but what I mean is if family life is normal and he was chosing to be at home it would definitely have an impact on my view of him. Maybe not enough to dump him but I would wonder if he was lazy or expected the same of me if we were to live together.

Yes but if you like the person and things get serious then you can both get your own place together. As I already said, if a person has nobody to rent with then moving out may not be an option. Either its too expensive or they don't want to live alone. Some people are waiting to find a partner before moving out, rather than waiting to afford their own place.

Jazzzman · 25-08-2012 3:23pm

I love my Mammy.

christmas2012 · 25-08-2012 3:23pm

Its not an easy situation being unemployed,on average there are 50 people to 1 job ratio,that doesnt look good in todays so called climbing out of a recession lets boost up house prices,people cannot afford rent,let alone buying even at the so called knock down prices there are now,landlords and estate agents know we are STILL in bad times yet want the prices to creep back up,well thats why there are so many living with the folks,i know a girl down the road from me 30 got pregnant still living with the parents baby already there roaring and crying,eldery parents putting up with it bc they have to otherwise she would be homeless..All i can say to those still frustrated living at home is just keep trying and if all else fails VOLUNTARY WORK OR EVEN THE JOB BLOCKER FAS/JOB BRIDGE

Ciderswigger · 25-08-2012 3:24pm

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

What if they would prefer to save the the cost of rent towards buying their own place a little bit down the line?

I said in my previous post that if they were saving then I personally would be ok with that as it's showing a desire to move out.

Adults living with their parents...

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