What's the etiquette here??

Hotblack Desiato · 11-02-2020 6:29pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

How would one broach the subject with their other half? It's not an issue you could bring up over dinner or casually drop into conversation.

Why would you? Just rob one. You should know where she stashes her bits and bobs by now, or does she make you leave the room before she gets dressed?

JohnnyFlash · 11-02-2020 7:00pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

How would one broach the subject with their other half? It's not an issue you could bring up over dinner or casually drop into conversation.

Why not, pal?

The reason this thread exists is because people won’t talk about this most important of topics. It’s why this thread is almost certainly the most important one in the history of the site.

Just go, ‘listen I’ve had to bag and bin all three pairs of those Calvin Klein boxers you bought me due to fallout from Arthur’s Revenge. Sorry love’.

Then back to your bacon and cabbage.

Cartman78 · 11-02-2020 7:00pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Why would you? Just rob one. You should know where she stashes her bits and bobs by now, or does she make you leave the room before she gets dressed?

Mission Impossible 7: Rogue Sanitary Products

Urethral Buttercup · 11-02-2020 7:24pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’d have my fears around this form of “self” medicating, U. If it works well you’ll go back to it, over and over.

Can’t that stuff weaken the “integrity” of the hoop itself? Would it thin the skin? I wouldn’t be a fan of that. Especially if it caused “translucent” patches to form. I’ve seen what an egg looks like when left in vinegar.

I’ll stick to rotating between Sudocrem, E45 cream and, the old, Silcock’s Base. Thank you very much.

Don't know about thinning of the skin, but I've been swabbing cortizol and other steroid creams on my hoop for years. Nice tingle off it. I had a zit on the purse lips a few years back and the only way I could get rid of it was with steroids. I've a repeat prescription.

Brendan Bendar · 11-02-2020 7:40pm

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

Don't know about thinning of the skin, but I've been swabbing cortizol and other steroid creams on my hoop for years. Nice tingle off it. I had a zit on the purse lips a few years back and the only way I could get rid of it was with steroids. I've a repeat prescription.

Hmmm. Patio brush did it for me.

€17.00 in Lidl.

Urethral Buttercup · 11-02-2020 7:45pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm. Patio brush did it for me.

€17.00 in Lidl.

Ah yes. I've a feeling you got value from both ends of the broom didn't you Brendan.

Bullocks · 11-02-2020 8:04pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm. Patio brush did it for me.

€17.00 in Lidl.

No doubt about it Ben but a patio brush will definitely burst a zit. If you're not careful though your arse will be like a collinder with all the new holes it will put into it

Bullocks · 11-02-2020 8:05pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Why the hell would you do that? You may as well splash some fcuking jeyes fluid or bleach up your hole too.

Fcuking lunacy.

Bleaching your hole, it's practised I believe mainly by women

Brendan Bendar · 11-02-2020 8:11pm

Bullocks wrote: »

No doubt about it Ben but a patio brush will definitely burst a zit. If you're not careful though your arse will be like a collinder with all the new holes it will put into it

Yes, you do have to be careful

Hotblack Desiato · 11-02-2020 8:28pm

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

Don't know about thinning of the skin, but I've been swabbing cortizol and other steroid creams on my hoop for years. Nice tingle off it. I had a zit on the purse lips a few years back and the only way I could get rid of it was with steroids. I've a repeat prescription.

And your anus can now bench press 400lbs :pac:

NeinNeinNein · 12-02-2020 1:27pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm. Patio brush did it for me.

€17.00 in Lidl.

40 grit sandpaper is a handy alternative if the missus happens to outside using the brush to scrub the decking at the time.

Urethral Buttercup · 12-02-2020 3:02pm

I'm telling you now lads. A dollop of 0.1% betamethasone fingered in and around the hoop gives a lovely tingling feeling.

EmmetSpiceland · 12-02-2020 3:08pm

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

I'm telling you now lads. A dollop of 0.1% betamethasone fingered in and around the hoop gives a lovely tingling feeling.

But at what “cost”, U? There has to be a downside here.

Brendan Bendar · 12-02-2020 3:18pm

Just busted out a floury semi-solid club of ripe midden, the size an shape of a litre can of Pedigree Chum..needed a tip round the bend.

Ush1 · 12-02-2020 3:22pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

40 grit sandpaper is a handy alternative if the missus happens to outside using the brush to scrub the decking at the time.

Cheese grater on your balloon knot can work also. Just get all the clagnut off before making the red cheddar nachos.

EmmetSpiceland · 12-02-2020 3:32pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Cheese grater on your balloon knot can work also. Just get all the clagnut off before making the red cheddar nachos.

That sounds awful. And “logistically” difficult. You know you can these little graters that you use for making things like hot chocolate. That would work much better.

Aglomerado · 12-02-2020 3:33pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That sounds awful. And “logistically” difficult. You know you can these little graters that you use for making things like hot chocolate. That would work much better.

...and provide plenty of 'chocolate':pac:

NeinNeinNein · 12-02-2020 4:01pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just busted out a floury semi-solid club of ripe midden, the size an shape of a litre can of Pedigree Chum..needed a tip round the bend.

Impressive, Brendan. Highly effective description of scale.

Ush1 · 12-02-2020 8:10pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That sounds awful. And “logistically” difficult. You know you can these little graters that you use for making things like hot chocolate. That would work much better.

I hear you Emmet but it all depends on how "heavy" the shelling is. This is after a week on the porter job, there's been lots of slurry, formed a hard crust, centimetre or 2 deep, resembling the surface of Mars.

I know thread regular Brenner resorts to hot liquids to "soften" the build up but I'm just not that deviant. No no, de-dangleberry like a man. Squat down, cheese grater to hand and plenty of elbow grease.

Bullocks · 12-02-2020 8:20pm

Ush1 wrote: »

I hear you Emmet but it all depends on how "heavy" the shelling is. This is after a week on the porter job, there's been lots of slurry, formed a hard crust, centimetre or 2 deep, resembling the surface of Mars.

I know thread regular Brenner resorts to hot liquids to "soften" the build up but I'm just not that deviant. No no, de-dangleberry like a man. Squat down, cheese grater to hand and plenty of elbow grease.

I have cattle in slats for maybe 5 months of the year that wouldn't have a 2cm crust built up, and if I do there is only one solution. Let them out to nice grass and it'll fall off "au natural" in the sun and rain

Brendan Bendar · 12-02-2020 8:24pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Impressive, Brendan. Highly effective description of scale.

Yep, had worked a good dollop of ‘Ringbuster’ in earlier on.

Fairly stretched the drawstring.

Brendan Bendar · 12-02-2020 8:31pm

Ush1 wrote: »

I hear you Emmet but it all depends on how "heavy" the shelling is. This is after a week on the porter job, there's been lots of slurry, formed a hard crust, centimetre or 2 deep, resembling the surface of Mars.

I know thread regular Brenner resorts to hot liquids to "soften" the build up but I'm just not that deviant. No no, de-dangleberry like a man. Squat down, cheese grater to hand and plenty of elbow grease.

No, steam is the method of choice.

Squat over a good kettle, muzzle to spout, not too close, let the matter soften and then clear with a dishcloth or rough sided dish sponge.

The badge will be shining like a newly minted Euron.

Ush1 · 12-02-2020 8:52pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No, steam is the method of choice.

Squat over a good kettle, muzzle to spout, not too close, let the matter soften and then clear with a dishcloth or rough sided dish sponge.

The badge will be shining like a newly minted Euron.

Hot agitated drittle? I'd say you'd sow a button on the fent!

Urethral Buttercup · 12-02-2020 10:24pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

But at what “cost”, U? There has to be a downside here.

I don't be looking at my hoop in the mirror Emmet, so hard to tell. What I will say is that I have less power in the clinch, the chord on the purse don't pull so tight so to speak, feels a little like chitting between two squares of loosely fitting foam. But I'm not sure that's the steroids or something else.

Hotblack Desiato · 12-02-2020 11:04pm

Bullocks wrote: »

I have cattle in slats for maybe 5 months of the year that wouldn't have a 2cm crust built up

Yeah but they're eating a lot more fibre.

12-02-2020 11:13pm

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

I don't be looking at my hoop in the mirror Emmet, so hard to tell. What I will say is that I have less power in the clinch, the chord on the purse don't pull so tight so to speak, feels a little like chitting between two squares of loosely fitting foam. But I'm not sure that's the steroids or something else.

The posting style is familiar alright. The brotherhood of one unite, or undiagnosed schizoid personality disorder. The latter seems more factually correct.

On topic, I relieved myself earlier like every other member of the human race. There is a novel in the works.

JohnnyFlash · 12-02-2020 11:20pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Hot agitated drittle? I'd say you'd sow a button on the fent!

You could pin a medal on it, I’d imagine.

Slideways · 13-02-2020 1:42am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

On topic, I relieved myself earlier like every other member of the human race. There is a novel in the works.

If it was anything like the being it came from I would imagine it was rather voluminous, coupled with heavy wind in between bouts of dry nutty residue and full flowing noxious midden

EmmetSpiceland · 13-02-2020 12:41pm

Slideways wrote: »

If it was anything like the being it came from I would imagine it was rather voluminous, coupled with heavy wind in between bouts of dry nutty residue and full flowing noxious midden

Ah, leave him be. He’s just a bit sour as yer man, Urethra Franklin, got on his “case” over a post he made in the “Conor McGregor” thread.

Anyway, I’ve had a dreadful morning. You know you’re on to a “bad one” when you feel the need to crap after you’ve showered. Well, I ignored the call straight away. I’ll admit it, I was being stubborn but, trust me, I paid for my contumaciousness. Paid dearly.

I’ve suffered worse when holding things on the “clutch”, so didn’t think anything of it. Was only once the bagel was in the toaster than things really took a turn. I couldn’t go straight away so I was doing that foot to foot “hop” that you really hope actually does something.

Hightailed it to the jacks as soon as I could. I’m pretty sure the “turtle head” had breached the hull and was, at least 3/4” cold. Once I sat the mudslide commenced. The initial load was solid enough but it started to turn “mushy”. This is where I think things went wrong.

Now, just to let you know, I wasn’t aware that anything was wrong. I made that “dirty” discovery when it was time to complete the paperwork. Good god. Now, I’m a “folder”, I don’t go in for the “bunched” paper model. Folding saved my life, in this situation. If I had bunched my hand would have been “compromised”, and smelly.

I’m still at a loss as to what happened. If anyone recalls my problem with “the garrotte” they’ll know I’ve been through cleaning of the barse, and surrounding areas. This was far messier and there was no, obvious cause, that last time two hairs had tangled and just wreaked havoc.

All sides of the hole were thick with “mess”. Thick with it. Once again I was left cursing the hair. I couldn’t get clean. I even employed the use of the kid’s “wet wipes” but still wasn’t up to, what I would call, an acceptable “standard”.

That left me only one “option”. Back to the shower. I was raging. Obviously, I didn’t go through the whole process again, I just focused on, thoroughly, cleaning out “between the cheeks”.

Well late, as a result. Very bad start. Had to proffer a lame excuse of “sleeping in”. But at least I’m clean.

Bullocks · 13-02-2020 1:26pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ah, leave him be. He’s just a bit sour as yer man, Urethra Franklin, got on his “case” over a post he made in the “Conor McGregor” thread.

Anyway, I’ve had a dreadful morning. You know you’re on to a “bad one” when you feel the need to crap after you’ve showered. Well, I ignored the call straight away. I’ll admit it, I was being stubborn but, trust me, I paid for my contumaciousness. Paid dearly.

I’ve suffered worse when holding things on the “clutch”, so didn’t think anything of it. Was only once the bagel was in the toaster than things really took a turn. I couldn’t go straight away so I was doing that foot to foot “hop” that you really hope actually does something.

Hightailed it to the jacks as soon as I could. I’m pretty sure the “turtle head” had breached the hull and was, at least 3/4” cold. Once I sat the mudslide commenced. The initial load was solid enough but it started to turn “mushy”. This is where I think things went wrong.

Now, just to let you know, I wasn’t aware that anything was wrong. I made that “dirty” discovery when it was time to complete the paperwork. Good god. Now, I’m a “folder”, I don’t go in for the “bunched” paper model. Folding saved my life, in this situation. If I had bunched my hand would have been “compromised”, and smelly.

I’m still at a loss as to what happened. If anyone recalls my problem with “the garrotte” they’ll know I’ve been through cleaning of the barse, and surrounding areas. This was far messier and there was no, obvious cause, that last time two hairs had tangled and just wreaked havoc.

All sides of the hole were thick with “mess”. Thick with it. Once again I was left cursing the hair. I couldn’t get clean. I even employed the use of the kid’s “wet wipes” but still wasn’t up to, what I would call, an acceptable “standard”.

That left me only one “option”. Back to the shower. I was raging. Obviously, I didn’t go through the whole process again, I just focused on, thoroughly, cleaning out “between the cheeks”.

Well late, as a result. Very bad start. Had to proffer a lame excuse of “sleeping in”. But at least I’m clean.

Bidet, Emmet. That's what you should treat yourself to. By the sounds of things you would get plenty of use out of it. If you hang on maybe the greens will bring out a grant for them to save the rainforest

Urethral Buttercup · 13-02-2020 2:33pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

All sides of the hole were thick with “mess”. Thick with it. Once again I was left cursing the hair. I couldn’t get clean. I even employed the use of the kid’s “wet wipes” but still wasn’t up to, what I would call, an acceptable “standard”.

I hope you didn't flush the wet wipes Emmet. Very bad for the environment. You shouldn't be buying them at all to be honest. There are places in darkest Africa where the countryside is full of wet wipes clogging up rivers and streams, hanging of trees, interfering with yams etc.

EmmetSpiceland · 13-02-2020 2:41pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Bidet, Emmet. That's what you should treat yourself to. By the sounds of things you would get plenty of use out of it. If you hang on maybe the greens will bring out a grant for them to save the rainforest

Good shout, B.

I did consider “perching” over the side of the bath and going at “it” with the hose but, in the end, I felt the full force of the shower, coupled with some suds, would work best.

Anyway, I’m still not sold on bidet “etiquette”. Especially when it comes to “drying off”.

I’m sure I’ve asked this before, but is there a “communal” towel or an individual set and then, maybe, one for guests?

I wouldn’t fancy “drying” with toilet paper as I’ve found drying my hands with the stuff can be, well, difficult. Lots of bits left on the surface.

I know the, more modern, Japanese toilet, or bidet, probably comes with a drying “setting” but I’m talking about the, excuse the pun, “bog standard” home bidet.

Urethral Buttercup · 13-02-2020 2:57pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m sure I’ve asked this before, but is there a “communal” towel or an individual set and then, maybe, one for guests?

Typically families will share the towel Emmet, much the same as a hand towel. At least where I've travelled.

EmmetSpiceland · 13-02-2020 3:05pm

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

I hope you didn't flush the wet wipes Emmet. Very bad for the environment. You shouldn't be buying them at all to be honest. There are places in darkest Africa where the countryside is full of wet wipes clogging up rivers and streams, hanging of trees, interfering with yams etc.

This was an emergency, U. Extenuating circumstances.

Now, first off, these wipes are the “flushable” kind. I understand that that doesn’t make them any better for the environment but they are better than the “regular” ones. I’ll admit I did go through nearly half a packet but, as I said, it was an emergency.

Rest-assured, I shall endeavour to “offset” the excessive usage via other avenues.

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

Typically families will share the towel Emmet, much the same as a hand towel. At least where I've travelled.

Ugh, I’m not a fan of that. I’d like my own towel, please.

Brendan Bendar · 13-02-2020 5:29pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

This was an emergency, U. Extenuating circumstances.

Now, first off, these wipes are the “flushable” kind. I understand that that doesn’t make them any better for the environment but they are better than the “regular” ones. I’ll admit I did go through nearly half a packet but, as I said, it was an emergency.

Rest-assured, I shall endeavour to “offset” the excessive usage via other avenues.

Ugh, I’m not a fan of that. I’d like my own towel, please.

Hairdryer Emmett, one foot on the floor one on the pot, setting lowish and keep a good spread ………. happy days.

They have these kind of aerosol ‘bombs’ which if held over the ‘tincter’ area and activated, send a cloud of perfumed powder all over the giblets.

A little dab with the hand includes the muzzle area and it’s very ‘contained’ no dust all over the place.

A small tip of cling film over the bell end if you don’t want the matt finish.

Hotblack Desiato · 13-02-2020 10:41pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Now, first off, these wipes are the “flushable” kind.

They're not really, though. Still a quick route to an appointment with Dyno-Rod.

EmmetSpiceland · 13-02-2020 10:56pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

They're not really, though. Still a quick route to an appointment with Dyno-Rod.

Look, I’ve been through this. I know they’re not the “best” but I was in the middle of a bloody EMERGENCY!!!

Slideways · 14-02-2020 8:43am

Just spit on the double velvet, it cuts through the layers with ease.

Be careful you don’t poke a finger through as it dies affect the structural integrity of the TP

JohnnyFlash · 14-02-2020 10:45am

Slideways wrote: »

Just spit on the double velvet, it cuts through the layers with ease.

Be careful you don’t poke a finger through as it dies affect the structural integrity of the TP

You strike me as a two-ply sort of guy.

Hotblack Desiato · 14-02-2020 11:23am

We use Kittensoft Velvet Dreams or whatever it's called. Ignore the soft cushioned side though, the flat textured side is usually the one you want

NeinNeinNein · 14-02-2020 11:56am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hairdryer Emmett, one foot on the floor one on the pot, setting lowish and keep a good spread ………. happy days.

They have these kind of aerosol ‘bombs’ which if held over the ‘tincter’ area and activated, send a cloud of perfumed powder all over the giblets.

A little dab with the hand includes the muzzle area and it’s very ‘contained’ no dust all over the place.

A small tip of cling film over the bell end if you don’t want the matt finish.

The attention to detail is excellent. Most professional. You wouldn't be a Painter & Decorator, Brendan?

Hotblack Desiato · 14-02-2020 11:58am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hairdryer Emmett, one foot on the floor one on the pot, setting lowish and keep a good spread ………. happy days.

No sockets allowed in the jacks in this country though.

sligojoek · 14-02-2020 2:23pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

No sockets allowed in the jacks in this country though.

Extension lead under the door. I do it all the time for the beard strimmer.

partyguinness · 14-02-2020 2:32pm

This is where the Europeans are way head of the game- bidets. Makes up for the rubbish sewerage system where you cannot flush papers down the toilet. But then again better for the environment.

My parents had one installed when they built the house in the mid-80s (now gone). I only ever used it for washing my football boots as a young lad.

Brendan Bendar · 14-02-2020 4:45pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

The attention to detail is excellent. Most professional. You wouldn't be a Painter & Decorator, Brendan?

The Brenner is many things but would not have the skill to be a Painter and Decorator .
Not allowed near any items of DIY as previous attempts have been minor disasters.

Plenty of theory, but sadly no skill, although use the same system as Sligojoek ...the extenno lead under the bathroom door for ... well.... certain tasks.

Great to spot that someone else does that too.

mfceiling · 14-02-2020 7:41pm

partyguinness wrote: »

This is where the Europeans are way head of the game- bidets. Makes up for the rubbish sewerage system where you cannot flush papers down the toilet. But then again better for the environment.

My parents had one installed when they built the house in the mid-80s (now gone). I only ever used it for washing my football boots as a young lad.

Not sold on the bidet tbh. No one washes their car using water only. You will still need a sponge or brush to get the dirt off. Must be the same as the sheriff's badge. Surely just directing a stream of water at the badge won't do much. You're still going to have to do some sort of extra cleaning to get it ready for the road again.

Aglomerado · 14-02-2020 11:04pm

Some Asian cultures (Thailand in particular) use "bum guns" which afford more freedom than a bidet for hosing the hoop.
I don't know if they have a jet wash setting for the more stubborn Klingons.

Sober Crappy Chemis · 15-02-2020 4:42pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

Some Asian cultures (Thailand in particular) use "bum guns" which afford more freedom than a bidet for hosing the hoop.
I don't know if they have a jet wash setting for the more stubborn Klingons.

I’d say some of the “regulars” here would need something on this “scale”

Aglomerado · 15-02-2020 4:42pm

Sober Crappy Chemis wrote: »

I’d say some of the “regulars” here would need something on this “scale”

Now that's a bum gun!

Fireball81 · 15-02-2020 5:11pm

Was on Grafton Street earlier, needed a dump and havn't been impressed with the Brown Thomas facilities of late. M&S are not particularly nice so made it quick smart up to the Westbury.

Another very pleasant experience, wife is sick at the moment so no 'entertainment' last night for Valentines so took advantage of the nice surroundings and no kids with me for a leisurely Thomas the tank.

Highly recommended.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments