Too many sexual partners?

LegacyUser · 25-06-2014 4:21pm #1

Hi all

I recently started dating a guy and we've been on three dates so far.

The conversation of 'how many sexual partners have you had?' arose, and me being a very honest person I told him straight, approx 30.

I am female, 24 years old and as far as I know it is a lot.

I haven't heard much from him since, which is odd considering his number was 50+.

The amount of sexual partners someone has had doesn't really bother me. I don't believe a girl is a slut because she enjoys sex, and I don't agree a guy is a pimp because he also enjoys sex. Sex is just sex imo.

Would this put most guys off? I've read on boards a lot (especially in this forum), that if a guy is going to judge you based on the amount of sexual partners you've had then he needs to mature. Although this may be the online boards opinion, the majority of people in reality don't seem to agree with this opinion.

I should say, I am a really nice girl, if my friends were to describe me they'd say I was one of the sweetest, friendliest girls you could meet. They would be shocked if they knew how many people I have slept with, it is something which I keep to myself. I find it most unfair if a guy was to judge me based on this. However, I do not feel I should have to lie about the 'number' in order for a guy to 'approve' of me.

Comments/opinions appreciated.

Thanks

25-06-2014 4:56pm

I don't think this conversation should be coming up at all after 3 dates OP. Your close friends don't even know so why would you tell some random guy.
I mean I'm not against it at all but maybe when you're in a relationship and you both don't mind what the answer is. After a couple dates it's pointless, opening a can of worms.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2014 4:59pm

Yup - agree with Bluewolf. There is no WAY that should be a casual topic of conversation so quick!

I only told my bf my number a few months ago and we're together 4 years. We were drunk and actually never spoke of it again since.

I just think it's not one of those things you talk to about after 3 dates

Tilly · 25-06-2014 5:10pm

There is no reason to ever tell someone this. Even if you are in a relationship, what/who you've done in the past is none of their business.

stargazer 68 · 25-06-2014 5:43pm

Tilly wrote: »

There is no reason to ever tell someone this. Even if you are in a relationship, what/who you've done in the past is none of their business.

This! Im with my partner over 2 years and would never tell him and I would never ask either! Its totally irrelevant to our relationship.

bee06 · 25-06-2014 6:23pm

Dovies wrote: »

This! Im with my partner over 2 years and would never tell him and I would never ask either! Its totally irrelevant to our relationship.

Totally agree, I'm engaged and we haven't had this conversation and I have no interest in having it either.

Alf. A. Male · 25-06-2014 6:25pm

For the life of me I can't understand why people have this cconversation at all. There is no benefit to it and plenty of potential for problems.
In your situation OP, the fact that you haven't heard from him way be nothing to do with that and maybe he's just not that into you.

Matteroffact · 25-06-2014 6:25pm

Your question being would it put a guy off, I think that the answer would be yes. He might have just said 50 himself off the top of his head when he heard this. The proof is he has not been in touch much. Or even if this has not put him off and he has other reasons for not being in touch it is unfortunate that you had to tell him when you were not even committed to each other. Lesson learned.

Merkin · 25-06-2014 6:33pm

Dovies wrote: »

This! Im with my partner over 2 years and would never tell him and I would never ask either! Its totally irrelevant to our relationship.

Totally agree! I'm married and we haven't had the 'numbers' conversation. It's of absolutely no tangible benefit to either party and is nobody's business really, that information is superfluous.

I think he'd a bit of a cheek asking you tbh but each to their own. These threads crop up all the time on PI although usually from the one who posed the question and then can't handle the answer.....

curlzy · 25-06-2014 6:37pm

I think any guy that thinks badly of you based on how many people you've previously slept with isn't worth your time. ESPECIALLY if his number is higher, he's clearly just sexist and you're better off losing his number in that case. Who has time for someone so backwards, ignorant and petty? Life's too short to waste on someone like that. My number is 2, I got with someone from 19 to 24 and then my current partner at 24 and to be honest I sometimes feel a bit of a prude when the conversation comes up among friends. Never be ashamed, it's your body, do as you wish with it*

*but be safe!

Saipanne · 25-06-2014 7:10pm

anon_anon wrote: »

Hi all

I recently started dating a guy and we've been on three dates so far.

The conversation of 'how many sexual partners have you had?' arose, and me being a very honest person I told him straight, approx 30.

I am female, 24 years old and as far as I know it is a lot.

I haven't heard much from him since, which is odd considering his number was 50+.

The amount of sexual partners someone has had doesn't really bother me. I don't believe a girl is a slut because she enjoys sex, and I don't agree a guy is a pimp because he also enjoys sex. Sex is just sex imo.

Would this put most guys off? I've read on boards a lot (especially in this forum), that if a guy is going to judge you based on the amount of sexual partners you've had then he needs to mature. Although this may be the online boards opinion, the majority of people in reality don't seem to agree with this opinion.

I should say, I am a really nice girl, if my friends were to describe me they'd say I was one of the sweetest, friendliest girls you could meet. They would be shocked if they knew how many people I have slept with, it is something which I keep to myself. I find it most unfair if a guy was to judge me based on this. However, I do not feel I should have to lie about the 'number' in order for a guy to 'approve' of me.

Comments/opinions appreciated.

Thanks

Simple answer. No, it wouldn't put me off, but I try avoid those conversations.

happypants · 25-06-2014 7:15pm

As many other posters have said- no good can come of that conversation! I'm with oh 5+ years we are engaged and have just had a baby together, we have not discussed this. I don't want to know and I presume he doesn't either! Forget your man and move on. Perhaps avoid that topic in future and if a bloke asks I would question him on why he wants to know!

LegacyUser · 25-06-2014 8:31pm

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

Saipanne · 25-06-2014 9:10pm

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

FWB?

In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

And I always avoid the question, it brought me no harm to do so.

Tasden · 25-06-2014 9:21pm

Saipanne wrote: »

FWB?

In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

And I always avoid the question, it brought me no harm to do so.

You could also say that if he really wants you he'll still want you regardless of how early on in the relationship you have sex with each other.

There's really no right or wrong op as long as you're comfortable, the right person will be the right person whether you wait or not imo.

As for the number of partners- as long as you look after your sexual health it has no bearing on anything.

YumCha · 25-06-2014 9:35pm

Saipanne wrote: »

In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

Well in my experience I've seen lots of healthy and long lasting relationships start with going home on a night out, and I think if you're two consenting adults who want to rip off each other's clothes then it's totally fine to do that without waiting for some weird arbitrary point in time where a woman's modesty has been sufficiently preserved and a gentleman's intentions proven.

OP - I really don't buy into some of the advice about the question being asked to early, or that it should never be broached at all. I think the onus lies not on you being honest (and all power to you!), but on the guy who asked you - if he wasn't able to handle the answer that's totally on him and his insecurities.

You're right - there is a terrible double standard afoot, and ideally you'd be able to talk about this honestly on date number whatever (if brought up by the other party) and have it not make one iota of difference. However, because REASONS, in the future I think you're well within your rights to not answer if you don't want to, or to quiz them back about why they need to know. I'd say their answers would be quite indicative of whether they deserve your honesty or not.

Czarcasm · 25-06-2014 9:55pm

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

For what it's worth now OP, in the future if a guy asks you how many sexual partners you've had, any answer you give him will be the wrong answer.

People who have the least bit of cop on who are secure in themselves, never feel a need to know who or how many people "got there before them". These people who need to know your "number" are more likely to view you as a possession than a person, and if all they can focus on is who was there before them, they're not focused on you as a whole person.

You shouldn't feel that you have to hide your PSH, but you're under no obligation to discuss it either, and if a person cannot accept that you have no wish to discuss your past, they're probably not the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with.

Saipanne · 25-06-2014 9:58pm

To both of you. The time wasters won't wait. Its a filtration system.

Does it solve everything? No. I'm not saying that. But some guys are only after one thing. It helps get rid of them. But it doesn't solve everything. Ok?

Lou.m · 25-06-2014 10:26pm

Ok firstly I would never ask ...

Secondly if i found a guy had 50 partners I would be slightly put off. I would wager that we were totally different beings and wired differently. Sex is never just sex for me.

But because I tend to prejudge its prob why you should never ask.

There is no point in trying to define what is right for others. It is highly personal. And you need to go with what feels right for you and don't assume it is right for everyone else. I need to be in a relationship for it to be right for me. But that is certainly not right for all.

OP if he asks .....that is a reason not to answer.

I would just say though....I would not make a guy wait for the SAKE of waiting ...I would go with when it felt like we were on the same emotional page and we had given each other some commitment. Not saying we have to be in luuuruuve. But I would be more comfortable it happened within monogamy.

Thats just me ...it should be held up as a yardstick for what is 'normal' or 'right' or anything like that.

I don't consider men and women who have lots of partners sluts....they might not be right for me though.

strobe · 25-06-2014 11:33pm

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but I'm like you, I think sex can just be sex and it's not a big deal, if someone's number was 3 or 63 it would make no difference to me.

Some people do think differently about it though, like with Lou above, some people are different and it may effect whether or not they think you're compatible.

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

It wouldn't necessarily sound like you have something to hide. As you can see from the replies in this thread, lot's of people just don't think there's any benefit to having that conversation. A simple joking "that's none of your business you cheeky sod" would be answer enough for most people. There's loads of reasons people would prefer not to answer that question, anyone decent isn't going to push the issue if you don't want to answer, and unless they've deeper issues at play in them they're probably not going to think any more about it.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

Just do whatever you feel is right at the time. Some people will tell you you should hold off for 5 dates or so to 'filter out' the guys only after one thing, but you'll 'filter out' just as many genuine guys that want genuine girls and not someone playing silly little games by doing that too, potentially ruining things before they have a chance to develop.

Just do what you feel is right at the time with the person in question. It'd be madness to not be yourself when what you're seeking is someone that will like you for who you are enough to be in a relationship with you, and your sexuality is an innate part of who you are (and a pretty important part when it comes to an adult relationship).

Lou.m · 26-06-2014 12:36am

I agree with strobe in always going with what feels right for you OP.

Telling a man or a woman to wait simply to filter if they don't want to is as bad as telling someone to do it on the first night if they don't want to. Just do what is right for you and the other person of course.

I think actually by being who you are you are more likely to find who you are right for naturally.

I suppose in the End a guy who had many partners could be very sweet and suit me ....and a guy who had 2 would be terrible.

I guess you should go by how people treat you and how you get on.

Do what you feel comfortable with as regards your sex life. Don't let others make you feel uncomfortable for doing what is natural to you whether is sex on a 1st or the 5th or when you feel a connection. It would be the same as pressurizing someone to have sex before they were ready in a relationship.

Frank Lee Midere · 26-06-2014 12:44am

I agree with "don't ask don't tell".

However despite what is common knowledge on the Internet people will take sexual activity into account. Just say you really like some one and hope for a monogamous relationship. It's a bit optimistic to think that the person who has had 50 sexual encounters will suddenly become totally faithful on number 51.

It depends of course on age. 50 in 20 years is not the same as 50 in 6. But it does matter.

beks101 · 26-06-2014 4:01am

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

Next time playfully deflect the question. Anyone who asks is looking for trouble, as you can't really win either way. Too low and you're a 'prude' or 'sexually inexperienced', too many and you're 'promiscuous', a 'fun time girl', 'unreliable'.

I would never answer such a question as it basically reduces my entire sexuality and years of dating, relationships, learning about my sexuality and preferences etc into some simple number that takes no account of the intricacies of my sexual and emotional development and can too easily be misinterpreted.

Personally, the meaningful relationships I've had developed emotionally first and foremost. I didn't "withhold sex" but I just invested in getting to know that person and getting inside their head and figuring them out a little before getting physical with them.

The sexual tension would always have been tangible between us, innuendo rife and flirting pretty intense etc, but my attitude would've been - I can get laid any day of the week - it's not so often you meet someone who you can have that kind of connection with. So I'd prioritize the conversation and the getting-to-know-yous until I felt comfortable and safe and ready to have what would be more than just another meaningless shag.

So my advice would be - do what makes you comfortable. Do what makes you YOU. Don't use sex as a bartering tool or have it on anyone else's schedule but your own. Honour your sexuality, celebrate it and respect the things that make you tick - whether that's casual sex or sex invariably involving emotional intimacy and attachment.

Tasden · 26-06-2014 8:21am

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

I agree with "don't ask don't tell".

However despite what is common knowledge on the Internet people will take sexual activity into account. Just say you really like some one and hope for a monogamous relationship. It's a bit optimistic to think that the person who has had 50 sexual encounters will suddenly become totally faithful on number 51

The amount of sexual partners someone has had isn't an indication of how faithful they are in relationships.

Someone could be single for a year and have 1 one night stand each week during that time and that would bring their number up to over fifty in one year but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they can be monogamous with a partner once they are in a relationship.

Frank Lee Midere · 26-06-2014 8:28am

Tasden wrote: »

The amount of sexual partners someone has had isn't an indication of how faithful they are in relationships.

Someone could be single for a year and have 1 one night stand each week during that time and that would bring their number up to over fifty in one year but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they can be monogamous with a partner once they are in a relationship.

Yeah. So says the Internet. In real life I am not so sure. A propensity to go out and get laid every week probably is an indicator of a less than monogamous nature. At least at that point in time.

Saulcortez · 26-06-2014 9:01am

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

I agree with "don't ask don't tell".

However despite what is common knowledge on the Internet people will take sexual activity into account. Just say you really like some one and hope for a monogamous relationship. It's a bit optimistic to think that the person who has had 50 sexual encounters will suddenly become totally faithful on number 51.

It depends of course on age. 50 in 20 years is not the same as 50 in 6. But it does matter.

It baffles me how you think someone who has had 50 sexual partners must therefore have been unfaithful.

Tasden · 26-06-2014 9:02am

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

Yeah. So says the Internet. In real life I am not so sure. A propensity to go out and get laid every week probably is an indicator of a less than monogamous nature. At least at that point in time.

Or it shows that the single person has physical needs same as any person that is in a relationship, only difference is they find a new partner each week, or however often (once a week was just to illustrate that 50 in a year doesn't exactly mean a person was having orgies every hour of the day) to fulfill their needs.

Saulcortez · 26-06-2014 9:03am

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

Yeah. So says the Internet. In real life I am not so sure. A propensity to go out and get laid every week probably is an indicator of a less than monogamous nature. At least at that point in time.

It's an indication that a person enjoys sex, it's not an indication that they would cheat in a monogomous relationship

Czarcasm · 26-06-2014 9:30am

Saulcortez wrote: »

It's an indication that a person enjoys sex, it's not an indication that they would cheat in a monogomous relationship

In truth, a person's PSH is an indicator of nothing, and attempting to justify "numbers" is no different from passing judgment upon a person for their past. I know you don't mean it to be a negative judgment, but when you actually try to justify your PSH (and this goes in spades for the OP), you're giving validity to another persons opinion and their judgment of you.

The OP knows her friends would judge her for her PSH, so she hasn't told them, and they think she's lovely, but the OP is worried what they might think of her if they DID know. The simple fact of the matter is they don't have to know, and neither do any future potential boyfriends.

A person can be a different person with different people, so when they meet someone new, their relationship with that person will be a completely different dynamic to the person they were with before, because the new person is not the same person as the last guy.

That's why the whole "numbers" idea is a load of nonsense that most people will have grown out of by the end of their teenage years.

ted1 · 26-06-2014 9:38am

Czarcasm wrote: »

In truth, a person's PSH is an indicator of nothing, and attempting to justify "numbers" is no different from passing judgment upon a person for their past. I know you don't mean it to be a negative judgment, but when you actually try to justify your PSH (and this goes in spades for the OP), you're giving validity to another persons opinion and their judgment of you.

The OP knows her friends would judge her for her PSH, so she hasn't told them, and they think she's lovely, but the OP is worried what they might think of her if they DID know. The simple fact of the matter is they don't have to know, and neither do any future potential boyfriends.

A person can be a different person with different people, so when they meet someone new, their relationship with that person will be a completely different dynamic to the person they were with before, because the new person is not the same person as the last guy.

That's why the whole "numbers" idea is a load of nonsense that most people will have grown out of by the end of their teenage years.

what PSH? you seem to be the only one using it?

OP, remember that lots of guys will always exaggerate their number.

I don't think 30 is a lot for single lady to have in 7 odd years.

Czarcasm · 26-06-2014 9:54am

ted1 wrote: »

what PSH? you seem to be the only one using it?

OP, remember that lots of guys will always exaggerate their number.

I don't think 30 is a lot for single lady to have in 7 odd years.

PSH = Previous Sexual History, which really can't be reduced to numbers, because as you've done yourself without realising it - 30 sexual partners in seven years tells you nothing about the person. All it does is give the next poster the opportunity to say "Ooh that's a lot, etc", which does the OP no favours as she's still left with the idea that her PSH is somehow important, when the reality is that it really isn't.

beks actually said it better earlier -

beks101 wrote: »

I would never answer such a question as it basically reduces my entire sexuality and years of dating, relationships, learning about my sexuality and preferences etc into some simple number that takes no account of the intricacies of my sexual and emotional development and can too easily be misinterpreted.

mrsbyrne · 26-06-2014 10:04am

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

If you have sex with someone on a first date then you either really really like sex and were irresitably attracted to this guy, or you have very poor self esteem. Your 24. You've discovered that having sex with everybody who asks you out will not lead to a relationship, so don't do it anymore.I promise you, and I know, if a guy likes you he will wait until ye are really in love with each other. Have your self respect. Have your dignity. Just have fun and get to know the guy for a while. Find out what he's really like. You have years and years.

joeguevara · 26-06-2014 10:22am

Saipanne wrote: »

FWB?

In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

And I always avoid the question, it brought me no harm to do so.

FWB: friend with benefits!

mrsbyrne · 26-06-2014 10:35am

joeguevara wrote: »

FWB: friend with benefits!

If anybody can give me an example of an FWB situation where one of the friends didn't end up hurt (usually the girl) I'd be interested to hear it.

Meauldsegosha · 26-06-2014 11:07am

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If anybody can give me an example of an FWB situation where one of the friends didn't end up hurt (usually the girl) I'd be interested to hear it.

Many examples have been given on this forum and on other forums on boards. I was involved in FWB arrangement for a couple of years that worked out very well for both people. We are both in serious relationships now but still the best of friends.

LegacyUser · 26-06-2014 11:11am

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Have your self respect. Have your dignity.

See this is exactly my point.

How does enjoying sex equal a lack of self respect and dignity?

In an ideal world I would love to love someone and for them to love me back and enjoy sex with them and only them, but unfortunately that isn't the case, for now. Having multiple partners for the time being has no bearing on me as a person, nor on my morals/vaules etc.

I just enjoy sex. I don't see how that makes me low in self esteem? I have great confidence.

I recognise that is only one opinion out of many in the thread, majority of which I have taken on board. I am not obliged to answer the question, so in future I will have my wits about me. Many thanks.

Tasden · 26-06-2014 11:11am

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If you have sex with someone on a first date then you either really really like sex and were irresitably attracted to this guy, or you have very poor self esteem. Your 24. You've discovered that having sex with everybody who asks you out will not lead to a relationship, so don't do it anymore.I promise you, and I know, if a guy likes you he will wait until ye are really in love with each other. Have your self respect. Have your dignity. Just have fun and get to know the guy for a while. Find out what he's really like. You have years and years.

Or she has a normal sex drive and wanted to have sex with the person when she felt chemistry between them?

Having sex with a person does not equate to a lack of self respect or dignity, no matter how early on they decide to do it. Yes, some people with low self esteem may have sex for the wrong reasons but having sex with someone you're attracted to is not an indication of self esteem issues or a lack of dignity. Nor does someone need to wait til she is really in love with someone to have sex with them. Of course if that is what they are comfortable doing then that's brilliant and fair play to them for doing what they feel is right by them but to imply that doing otherwise means they have low self esteem, or that it will not lead to a normal healthy relationship is ridiculous imo

LegacyUser · 26-06-2014 11:17am

Tasden wrote: »

Or she has a normal sex drive and wanted to have sex with the person when she felt chemistry between them?

Having sex with a person does not equate to a lack of self respect or dignity, no matter how early on they decide to do it. Yes, some people with low self esteem may have sex for the wrong reasons but having sex with someone you're attracted to is not an indication of self esteem issues or a lack of dignity. Nor does someone need to wait til she is really in love with someone to have sex with them. Of course if that is what they are comfortable doing then that's brilliant and fair play to them for doing what they feel is right by them but to imply that doing otherwise means they have low self esteem, or that it will not lead to a normal healthy relationship is ridiculous imo

Apologies 'Tasden', I didn't see this post.

You summed up how I feel perfectly.

It is the above perception that led me to posting this thread.

I wasn't sure if most people shared the same opinion as 'mrsbyrne', in which case I'm totally oblivious to, or if mrsbyrne's opinion was an old fashioned opinion shared by few.

Having read the replies in the thread the answer seems to be the latter which I am happy about.

Barely There · 26-06-2014 11:44am

anon_anon wrote: »

See this is exactly my point.

How does enjoying sex equal a lack of self respect and dignity?

In an ideal world I would love to love someone and for them to love me back and enjoy sex with them and only them, but unfortunately that isn't the case, for now. Having multiple partners for the time being has no bearing on me as a person, nor on my morals/vaules etc.

I just enjoy sex. I don't see how that makes me low in self esteem? I have great confidence.

I recognise that is only one opinion out of many in the thread, majority of which I have taken on board. I am not obliged to answer the question, so in future I will have my wits about me. Many thanks.

If you want to have lots of sex with lots of different partners, that's fine.

However, you are unable to control how guys will judge you on this.

Some will probably be fine with it, some may not.

The only sensible solution is the next time you're asked about your PSH, you tell the guy that it's none of his business (in a nice way).

Personally, I would find it very off-putting to be asked such questions at any time in a relationship, but even more so after a few dates.

I've only ever been with one girl who was into knowing the ins and outs (so to speak) of my PSH, and she was very insecure and a bit crazy.

I'm married over 10yrs now and never had this conversation with my wife.

Tasden · 26-06-2014 11:46am

anon_anon wrote: »

Apologies 'Tasden', I didn't see this post.

You summed up how I feel perfectly.

It is the above perception that led me to posting this thread.

I wasn't sure if most people shared the same opinion as 'mrsbyrne', in which case I'm totally oblivious to, or if mrsbyrne's opinion was an old fashioned opinion shared by few.

Having read the replies in the thread the answer seems to be the latter which I am happy about.

Tbh, knowing yourself and your own morals and making up your own mind about your sex life and relationships rather than letting other people's morals dictate what you do shows you have enormous self esteem imo.

As long as you're comfortable and happy then do what feels right. If you think that waiting in future will leave you feeling less confused about a mans intentions then try that approach for a while, but not because somebody thinks you should do it to prove you have dignity or self esteem!

Czarcasm · 26-06-2014 11:47am

anon_anon wrote: »

Apologies 'Tasden', I didn't see this post.

You summed up how I feel perfectly.

It is the above perception that led me to posting this thread.

I wasn't sure if most people shared the same opinion as 'mrsbyrne', in which case I'm totally oblivious to, or if mrsbyrne's opinion was an old fashioned opinion shared by few.

Having read the replies in the thread the answer seems to be the latter which I am happy about.

OP the thing is that often in threads like these, it can be a case of telling the OP what they want to hear, but this shouldn't be seen as a reflection of reality (which was Frank's point earlier), and there's nothing 'old fashioned' about mrsbyrne's opinion, which is actually far, FAR more common in modern society than the minority of opinions you'll hear here that you might think wouldn't be 'old fashioned'.

If you actually think about it, your problem actually seems to stem from the fact that offline you've met a guy who was of the same opinion as mrsbyrne. The double standard DOES exist, and chances are it will always exist, and always be the majority opinion.

You can't live your life by other peoples standards, be happy with your own standards and what you feel is right for you, and if a guy is put out by the fact that you've previously had sex, then it's their issue, and certainly not yours.

26-06-2014 11:58am

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If you have sex with someone on a first date then you either really really like sex and were irresitably attracted to this guy, or you have very poor self esteem. Your 24. You've discovered that having sex with everybody who asks you out will not lead to a relationship, so don't do it anymore.I promise you, and I know, if a guy likes you he will wait until ye are really in love with each other. Have your self respect. Have your dignity. Just have fun and get to know the guy for a while. Find out what he's really like. You have years and years.

She stated clearly that she usually waits several dates.
Waiting until you're "in love" is fine for some but many/most people don't and it certainly does not indicate a lack of anything.

beks101 · 26-06-2014 12:14pm

OP you seem to want more than another FWB situation. You are quite right that you are perfectly entitled to do as you please with your body and have as much casual sex as you want.

BUT. Are you 1,000,000 % sure you are comfortable with that? As Czarcasm said, the simple fact is there ARE lots of people out there who will be put off by your attitude towards sex if youre not subtle about it, and indeed as you've found sex on the first night will be a dealbreaker for lots of them. I've certain met lots of them and I was like you at your age - high sex drive, single, would meet someone I fancied and find it hard to resist having sex with them.

And quite often it would be game over for them, they'd vanish, 'chase' was over, they got what they wanted, end of. Which over time I found a bit exhausting and even hurtful, because when I got real with myself, I realized that sex was an intimate thing for me, I'd feel closer to the guy after and would almost always want to see him again. Which frequently wasnt the same mentality I'd find in the guys I was with.

Personally I decided to be a bit more selective and focus more on getting to know the guy, establishing an element of trust and friendship with him as a priority, and taking the focus off sex for the first couple of dates or weeks. That way, when we'd end up in bed together, my emotional as well as physical needs were more likely to be fulfilled, as the guy was already engaged.

And that's sort of how relationships have happened for me (sex has tended to be better too because of the build up!)

My sex drive never disappeared and I'd still find myself often wanting to rip my date's clothes off on the first night. But as I got older I learned not to because it never led to anything 'real' for me.

mrsbyrne · 26-06-2014 12:36pm

I honestly didn't mean to offend you and I'm sorry if I did. I guess I was reading between the lines in your op and felt that you are ready now to have an exclusive monogomous relationship. If that is the case I would advise taking things very very slowly with a lot more getting to know you time before committing to an intimate sexual relationship. I'm of the opinion that engaging in sexual intercourse changes the whole dynamic of a relationship..Others may disagree. Its just my opinion.
The whole issue of discussing previous lovers especially with a brand new boyfriend and someone you may be interested in long term is ridiculous. Just no. Pointless.u

mrsbyrne · 26-06-2014 12:40pm

bluewolf wrote: »

She stated clearly that she usually waits several dates.
Waiting until you're "in love" is fine for some but many/most people don't and it certainly does not indicate a lack of anything.

She said she had sex with this man on each of the three dates she had with him. I disagree . I think that it definitely shows a lack of self esteem to want to have sex with a virtual stranger, which is what sex on a first date is.

LegacyUser · 26-06-2014 12:41pm

beks101 wrote: »

OP you seem to want more than another FWB situation. You are quite right that you are perfectly entitled to do as you please with your body and have as much casual sex as you want.

BUT. Are you 1,000,000 % sure you are comfortable with that? As Czarcasm said, the simple fact is there ARE lots of people out there who will be put off by your attitude towards sex if youre not subtle about it, and indeed as you've found sex on the first night will be a dealbreaker for lots of them. I've certain met lots of them and I was like you at your age - high sex drive, single, would meet someone I fancied and find it hard to resist having sex with them.

And quite often it would be game over for them, they'd vanish, 'chase' was over, they got what they wanted, end of. Which over time I found a bit exhausting and even hurtful, because when I got real with myself, I realized that sex was an intimate thing for me, I'd feel closer to the guy after and would almost always want to see him again. Which frequently wasnt the same mentality I'd find in the guys I was with.

Personally I decided to be a bit more selective and focus more on getting to know the guy, establishing an element of trust and friendship with him as a priority, and taking the focus off sex for the first couple of dates or weeks. That way, when we'd end up in bed together, my emotional as well as physical needs were more likely to be fulfilled, as the guy was already engaged.

And that's sort of how relationships have happened for me (sex has tended to be better too because of the build up!)

My sex drive never disappeared and I'd still find myself often wanting to rip my date's clothes off on the first night. But as I got older I learned not to because it never led to anything 'real' for me.

Thank you beks that was lovely.

I won't lie, there most certainly is an underlying issue there alright. I would love nothing more than to be in a relationship with someone who I was seriously attracted to but unfortunately I am not.

I have taken time out in recent months to try and focus on myself. Eating better, exercising frequently, joining group activities etc. However, this has only increased my sex drive more and seeing as I'm not in a relationship there's no other option.

Sometimes it is a case of 'just sex', but you are right. If I were to be 100% honest with myself, more times than not I have been disappointed that it hasn't turned into something more. However I will say, it is very difficult to establish in your head sometimes how you truly feel. Sometimes I find myself convincing myself that I am OK with something, when in fact I really am not. I often find trying to establish how I 'really' feel quite difficult, like 'how do you feel OP? My answer - 'God I actually don't know how I feel', if that makes sense?

Having genuinely taken on board the advice here though, I am going to 'hold off' for a few dates. As Tasden said though, I won't be doing it to justify some sort of self worth, I will be doing it merely as a test for myself.

@Mrsbyrne, I meant no offence when I referred to your 'old fashioned views'. You of course are entitled to your own opinion too. Thank you all

mrsbyrne · 26-06-2014 12:44pm

Tasden wrote: »

Or she has a normal sex drive and wanted to have sex with the person when she felt chemistry between them?

Having sex with a person does not equate to a lack of self respect or dignity, no matter how early on they decide to do it. Yes, some people with low self esteem may have sex for the wrong reasons but having sex with someone you're attracted to is not an indication of self esteem issues or a lack of dignity. Nor does someone need to wait til she is really in love with someone to have sex with them. Of course if that is what they are comfortable doing then that's brilliant and fair play to them for doing what they feel is right by them but to imply that doing otherwise means they have low self esteem, or that it will not lead to a normal healthy relationship is ridiculous imo

For the OP it has never lead to a normal healthy relationship, which is what she would appear now to be looking for.

26-06-2014 12:47pm

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

mrsbyrne wrote: »

For the OP it has never lead to a normal healthy relationship, which is what she would appear now to be looking for.

See above

hullaballoo · 26-06-2014 12:48pm

No one needs to know this stuff.

No one.

sam34 · 26-06-2014 1:04pm

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If anybody can give me an example of an FWB situation where one of the friends didn't end up hurt (usually the girl) I'd be interested to hear it.

*waves*

I've had a few FWB arrangements, am currently on my fourth.

Two of them lasted over a year, one lasted a few years and the fourth is ongoing.

Nobody ended up hurt, or upset, or wanting 'more', the arrangements were what they were and suited both of us at the time. Honesty was a fundamental part of the process. Given my time over, I'd do the same again in a heartbeat.

And I'm female, btw.

Tasden · 26-06-2014 1:07pm

mrsbyrne wrote: »

For the OP it has never lead to a normal healthy relationship, which is what she would appear now to be looking for.

For the op none of those men led to a normal healthy relationship, who is to say it had anything to do with them having sex? Even if op had held off, which she said she did a few times I think, it still may not have developed into anything.