Girlfriend Met Up With Her Ex

JJayoo · 30-05-2016 01:09AM

So she knew you were going to the bus station to pick up your friend at a specific time, but then was surprised to see you there at the exact same time?

But as people have said, staying friends with an ex is pure bull.

pookie82 · 30-05-2016 08:56AM

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Well here's the deal. Her workload was so heavy that she couldn't make time to see you this afternoon. But she was able to make time for her ex-boyfriend. It was NOT last minute if he had the foresight to take a gift for her. He knew he was going to meet her while he was home and it was either arranged while he was in Germany or when he got back home. Which would quite fairly suggest that the ruse of going to study was in it's entirety a planned lie to cover for her whereabouts for the whole day. She'd been studying since morning after you saw her and was also with him for a few hours while studying? Sounds to me like she wasn't studying at all

I would second this 100%. The studying all day excuse was a complete ruse. Don't let her pretend the ex dropped her a line with 5 minutes to go. And even if he had, she abandoned hours of study for him at the drop of a hat that she couldn't for you?

I can't imagine what it must have felt like to see her sitting there holding a gift from him as his bus drove off. That must have been quite cutting.

Whether they're utterly platonic or have unfinished business isn't the issue here - it's her willingness to lie about something and cover up her whereabouts, only to get caught red handed. How awful for you to then have to pretend all was grand and entertain a visiting friend after discovering this bombshell.

It's a very unhealthy habit to get into - "deciding" what your other half should and shouldn't know and being selective with the truth. I would take offence at her insisting it was done to avoid confrontation or protect you. Protect you from what? Has she been open and honest in the first place there'd be nothing to protect.

If you do intend on salvaging things you need to make that distinction really clear. It's not her place to decide what you are or aren't ok with - it's yours. If she had any respect for you, she'd have given you the option to say "hey I'm a little put out by this" or "yeah that's cool, enjoy your catch up".

She did neither and just hoped she just wouldn't get caught.

Sapphire · 30-05-2016 10:30AM

Zipp101 wrote: »

Her ex was getting that bus to the airport to go back to Germany where he lives. He was home visiting his parents and they met up for a few hours. They dated for 3 years and he helped her through a time when her mother was very sick.So they have a friendly relationship.

She didn't sleep last night. She wrote me a long letter and gave it to me this morning explaining that in this case it was better not to tell me and that she didn't want it to affect our relationship.

She is telling the truth but the idea that she still counts on this guy makes me a little uneasy. Is this normal ?

Here's the thing. Innocent or guilty of doing something behind your back, she doesn't get to decide this for you both.

Lets say it's an innocent scenario, and she didn't tell you because she felt it would be best, like she says in her letter. Would she decide to delete the voice-mail offering you a great job because she knows best for you? Or not pass on an important message from a friend or family member because she knows best? That's quite controlling behaviour don't you think?

If she did have a bit of a spark for her ex, then that's not good either. Neither scenarios are favourable tbh, and after only a few months in, why would anyone even bother with all this head-fcukery? The most plausible explanation is usually the simplist one. She said she was going to study and met him instead for the day and you caught her red handed in a lie.

By the way, the long letter is waayyy overkill imo. That's not the reaction of someone just innocently bumping into a buddy who used to be an ex. It smacks of someone trying desperately to convince you of something. It's only been a few months so maybe ask yourself if its worth it.

IvoryTower · 30-05-2016 03:45PM

I could probably deal with an apology for the lie and a truthful explanation .A letter telling me she done the right thing would piss me off more than anything.

She needs to get her head out of her arse and start telling the truth if it's not too late already. Then you can make your own mind up.

Augme · 30-05-2016 09:14PM

leggo wrote: »

Out of interest, and feel free to shut me down mods if you feel it's dragging too far off-topic for PI, but do you feel that when people have said it's too much for them that it's wasteful to burn bridges on a potential future because of some people from your past?

Not 100% sure what you mean here. Do you mean have I thought about cutting contact with ex's for a potential partner?

leggo · 30-05-2016 11:13PM

Augme wrote: »

Not 100% sure what you mean here. Do you mean have I thought about cutting contact with ex's for a potential partner?

Well you said people have found it too tough to deal with, so I assume that means you've lost people because of exes. I guess I'm asking do you feel that's worthwhile? Again just out of curiosity.

Augme · 30-05-2016 11:33PM

leggo wrote: »

Well you said people have found it too tough to deal with, so I assume that means you've lost people because of exes. I guess I'm asking do you feel that's worthwhile? Again just out of curiosity.

Yea definitely feel it's worthwhile. The line you said last time "some people your past" wouldn't be accurate. I'd be sacrificing someone from my current. A few reasons - you can't build a good relationship when there isn't trust there. When people have issues with ex's it basically a trust issue. That's not a good sign for a successful relationship. When asked to pick, or at least start limiting contact I've just lost all respect for that person and it's very difficult to look at them the same way. Best way to describe it would be like when someone cheats on you, even if the relationship continues there's always a scar from it. Generally the issue comes up early on so sacrificing a few very good long-term friendships for someone I know a few months just strikes me as a really bad idea.

IvoryTower · 31-05-2016 12:00AM

I stayed friends with some of my exs, as soon as one of us ended up in a serious relationship the "friendship" fizzled out pretty quick

tara73 · 31-05-2016 08:49AM

IvoryTower wrote: »

I stayed friends with some of my exs, as soon as one of us ended up in a serious relationship the "friendship" fizzled out pretty quick

I think this answers the stuff in a nutshell. I stayed friends with exes for a pretty long time but as soon as somebody was in a serious relationship, nobody felt the need to meet up regulary anymore. Exes are never the same friends as no-ex-friends.

Katgurl · 31-05-2016 11:34AM

I wrote a big reply and it got eaten so apologies if i'm repeating myself:

Anyway in a nutshell:

Staying friends with an ex... fine
Meeting up with him on the fly before letting you know... also fine
Maintaining she was right to lie and would do it again... no no no, not on at all.

I have been that soldier with a previous boyfriend (in an almost identical situation) trying to see his point of view, why did he feel the need to lie to me, was it actually any of my business, shouldn't i just trust him regardless, me trying to communicate effectively that I would not have kept it from him & it hurt me and made me feel devalued etc.

Honestly, i would not do it again. I would just walk away If two people are not on the same page about what is fundamentally acceptable in a relationship then you are fighting a losing battle. The years of subsequent rows that followed with that guy were all around the same thing; he was consistently dishonest and then ironically massively distrustful (he tarred me with his own brush).

And as an aside; the dramatic letter talking about all the times he saw through with her? That doesn't sound like a platonic friendship to me.

Saipanne · 31-05-2016 04:13PM

You've gotten good advice so far, so I'll be short and say she lied to you in a really suspicious way, and that's enough to break up after just five months.

Big Bag of Chips · 31-05-2016 04:26PM

I'm just wondering if you hadn't found her standing at the bus, just say you bumped into her somewhere in the station (which she might have thought would happen), was she going to explain her being there as she came along to meet you picking up your friend? To surprise you? She knew you were going to be there at 9:30. She told you she'd contact you around 9:30.. when she knew her ex would be gone.

She seems very fond of this fella who helped her through tough times? He seems very fond of her if he's arranging to meet her on his limited time home and bringing a little gift for her. I wonder is the only reason they are not together because he lives in Germany? Or as someone else mentioned, did she meet up with him a few times while he was home? Is it possible they have a Long Distance thing going on and you're the "here and now" boyfriend?

beks101 · 31-05-2016 04:49PM

I'd see it as disloyal tbh. Setting you completely out of her mind and meeting up with some guy who she's "been through a lot with."

Most of us have been through realms of sh1t with our exes. Tidal waves of emotions and traumas and ups and downs and life changes. That's usually what happens when you have a partner. And then you break up and meet someone new who assumes that same position. You don't dilly-dally between the two or keep that tie with the old guy unbeknownst to Mr New - because your ex is your ex for a reason and part of being an adult means that you respect and consider the feelings of the people in your life and you don't get to have your cake and eat it just because you bloody well want to.

She just thought "great, John's in town. I'll go and meet him when Michael's busy and just tell him I'm in the library, can't be dealing with him!" That's your best case scenario. Others are that it was more cunning and more malicious and she actually entertained or expressed emotions that are entirely inappropriate outside of her own relationship. Or that she's considering getting back with him. Or that she's sussing out her options. How the hell can you know, given the complete lack of honesty she's just demonstrated?

It's very hard to build a healthy relationship with someone who places you lower in the pecking order than you do them.

jcd5971 · 31-05-2016 04:49PM

Is this thread not just going in circles at this stage op has got as much advice as he's going to by now

Zipp101 · 31-05-2016 10:58PM

I should say that in the letter she said it was selfish of her for not telling me and that she apolgises for that. She has been very apologetic and says there was nothing in it and that she just didn't want to ruin anything between us.

I'm going through phases of accepting what happened and being fine and then just picturing scenarios.

For example :

She was also in the library on the Monday when I texted her. However when I said I'd drop in to the library on my way home she was suddenly already on her way home. I thought nothing of that at the time, but now I'm wondering..

The gift he gave here was a green cup with Celtic writing on it - the gift looked Irish.
I've seen on her Facebook that she had a thing with an Irish guy before but she told me the ex-boyfriend she met was from another part of Spain (she's Spanish).
Was it the Irish guy she had a thing with coming back to visit ?

She saw me plenty of times that same week and stayed over in my place twice (she lives with her parents).

We met up tonight but I don't want to drag this issue back up... should I just accept her excuse or ask these questions ?

Turtle_ · 31-05-2016 11:17PM

Zipp101 wrote: »

We met up tonight but I don't want to drag this issue back up... should I just accept her excuse or ask these questions ?

ASK! Oh my god, ask whatever questions you have and keep asking until you're either satisfied that there was nothing there, or until you've had enough and want out. She owes you that at least!

leggo · 31-05-2016 11:18PM

I think you know the advice you're going to get here and you're probably not going to get told what you want to hear. But it's your life and you're living the situation so may be reading things better than we are, so do whatever you think is best and makes you happy.

Rekop dog · 01-06-2016 03:54AM

Zipp101 wrote: »

I'm going through phases of accepting what happened and being fine and then just picturing scenarios.

For example :

She was also in the library on the Monday when I texted her. However when I said I'd drop in to the library on my way home she was suddenly already on her way home. I thought nothing of that at the time, but now I'm wondering..

You realise if you stay with her your future will consist of lots of similar scenarios where you're going to be doubting her word, you're understandably wary of her now and its a pretty mentally draining way to proceed... Her actions will probably force you into being someone you don't want to be, a distrusting wreck. You should really consider whether you want to do that to yourself.

Saipanne · 01-06-2016 08:50AM

Zipp101 wrote: »

I should say that in the letter she said it was selfish of her for not telling me and that she apolgises for that. She has been very apologetic and says there was nothing in it and that she just didn't want to ruin anything between us.

I'm going through phases of accepting what happened and being fine and then just picturing scenarios.

For example :

She was also in the library on the Monday when I texted her. However when I said I'd drop in to the library on my way home she was suddenly already on her way home. I thought nothing of that at the time, but now I'm wondering..

The gift he gave here was a green cup with Celtic writing on it - the gift looked Irish.
I've seen on her Facebook that she had a thing with an Irish guy before but she told me the ex-boyfriend she met was from another part of Spain (she's Spanish).
Was it the Irish guy she had a thing with coming back to visit ?

She saw me plenty of times that same week and stayed over in my place twice (she lives with her parents).

We met up tonight but I don't want to drag this issue back up... should I just accept her excuse or ask these questions ?

I'm not sure how you can trust her after that, but you seem to be leaning towards forgiving her, so I wish you all the best with that.

timmy880 · 01-06-2016 08:59AM

I'd end this relationship straight away if this happened to me. Think of all the doubt this will cause in the future everytime she says she is studying or working. Also the fact that she lied about this lacks any trust and she probably met him more than once while he was at home. The letter defending her actions just makes things worse. At the end of the day, she put meeting this guy while he was at home as her main priority over study/being honest with you/workload (or whatever other excuses she used) and that is just not on. I know it's cliche but honesty and trust is everything in a relationship.

I'm very cynical in general when it comes to people meeting up with ex's as I dated a girl who ended up sleeping with her ex while seeing me and it led to me never trusting someone who is friends with an ex but I do believe you deserve better than a girl who lies to you. Also, if it was the other way around and you were caught lying to her about meeting an ex, I doubt a letter explaining why you were right to do so would suffice as a fix to the situation. Good luck with how you proceed OP.

Passtheremote · 01-06-2016 12:35PM

A lot of deception is involved when a gf/bf/partner starts to sneak around with an ex.

There's formulating a "meet up" in secret with the ex, lying to the current gf/bf/partner about the "meet up" with the ex, carrying out the "meet up" in secret with the ex, lying after the "meet up", and then the whole after party of ongoing secret communication with the ex and likely arranging the next "meet-up" until.....who knows.

That's a whole bag of lies being made, both behind you back and to your face.

This is not healthy and you will go around the twist this sort of person - what sort of character does this, the good ones sure don't!

She's not a keeper bro! I say move on and find a girl that plays it straight - there are plenty of them.

SNNUS · 07-06-2016 11:28PM

I know 3 Spanish friends, both male and female that are married or in a relationship that like a bit on the side..I wonder is
it a Spanish thing or just a coincidence...

Girlfriend Met Up With Her Ex

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