Meet up with a male friend or not - was ****budy in the past

LegacyUser · 21-05-2016 11:52PM #1

I have known this man for a long time and we are friends. We have ended up in bed a few times. He knew I wanted a relationship but he decided he did not want this. At one stage he cut me out of his life for months but eventully said sorry to me.
His last relationship ended badly as he was going through a hard personal time and his girlfriend of the time offered him no support.

I recently got some good news and I asked him to meet me. I have since found out his is back with an ex-girlfriend. In the past he said a few less than nice things about her. If she know what he said about her she would end things with him now.
He told her I was in contact with him and what happened between us in the past. He then told her that I wanted to meet him. He wanted to bring her with him when we meet.
He then said she would be with him but she would go off when we had a chat. I know what I say to him he will tell her word for word.

The truth is that my news could have changed things between me and him.

Should I meet him or not? Should I tell him my news? Should I just cancel the meeting and tell him my good news was not important?

dudara · 22-05-2016 09:05AM

What are your feelings for this guy? Sounds like you want to be in a relationship with him

eviltwin · 22-05-2016 09:50AM

He's in a relationship now and you have to respect that. By all means meet and share your news but as friends. Don't do it with the expectation that he might choose to be with you instead. If he wanted a relationship it would have already happened don't you think?

ja1986 · 22-05-2016 10:29AM

What's your news

Ursus Horribilis · 22-05-2016 10:48AM

Obviously I don't know what your news is but I'm wondering are you being over optimistic when you say it could've changed things between you and him? It looks like you want to tell him this news so that he'll end things with his girlfriend. Otherwise, why make such a big deal out of it? Could you not have rung him or texted him? It sounds like you're trying to create a bit of drama here.

Dial Hard · 22-05-2016 10:54AM

The fact that he's making such a big deal of telling the girlfriend absolutely every detail about your joint past and insisting on bringing her along makes me suspect he knows full well your news has a romantic aspect to it and he's trying to head this off at the pass because he's not interested.

If the only reason you wanted to share this news was in the hope that it would engineer a reunion, OP, then I think you should cancel the meeting.

If, however you can hand-on-heart say you'd still want to tell him even if he announced his engagement tonight, then go for it.

daisybelle2008 · 22-05-2016 09:25PM

move on or another chance wrote: »

In the past he said a few less than nice things about her. If she know what he said about her she would end things with him now.

What has this got to do with anything? Are you trying to say he is untrustworthy or letting us know you have dirt you could blackmail him with? I don't get the context.
Anyway, it all sounds very contrived and dramatic, you with your game changing 'news' and him bringing his girlfriend who will turn her back (block her ears?) for the big news reveal. Keep your 'news' to yourself and move on would be best for everyone I'd say.

Keane2baMused · 23-05-2016 09:17AM

OP I'm sorry to be blunt here, but if you have to orchestrate a relationship is it really worth it and a recipe for something lasting?

Move on and find someone right for you.

LegacyUser · 23-05-2016 09:31AM

move on or another chance wrote: »

I have known this man for a long time... We have ended up in bed a few times. He knew I wanted a relationship but he decided he did not want this. At one stage he cut me out of his life for months

He's already told you what he thinks of you through this. Have more respect for yourself than to pursue him and have more respect for him and his current partner than to be interfering with contrived drama.

LegacyUser · 24-05-2016 02:13AM

Thanks for the messages left here.

Just to let you all know what happened. My good news was of a business nature and long term it could have been benifical for him as well as me. I was not telling him this in order for us to become a couple.

The lady he is going out with have known each other for years. They have been a couple a few differerent times before. In fact I would say that she has been an off and on **** buddy with him over a long period of time. Due to her age and personal circumstances she is now with him for his house and money. They are only a couple now for a few weeks.

They planned to meet me and tell me she was pregnant until they found out this pregancy was not going according to plan.
After this they are welcome to each other.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 24-05-2016 08:40AM

move on or another chance wrote: »

Thanks for the messages left here.

Just to let you all know what happened. My good news was of a business nature and long term it could have been benifical for him as well as me. I was not telling him this in order for us to become a couple.

The lady he is going out with have known each other for years. They have been a couple a few differerent times before. In fact I would say that she has been an off and on **** buddy with him over a long period of time. Due to her age and personal circumstances she is now with him for his house and money. They are only a couple now for a few weeks.

They planned to meet me and tell me she was pregnant until they found out this pregancy was not going according to plan.
After this they are welcome to each other.

Given the rather bitter and nasty nature of your response, I'd hazard a guess that the feeling from them is mutual.

Anyways, door closed and time to move on.

Penny Tration · 24-05-2016 09:23AM

move on or another chance wrote: »

Thanks for the messages left here.

Just to let you all know what happened. My good news was of a business nature and long term it could have been benifical for him as well as me. I was not telling him this in order for us to become a couple.

The lady he is going out with have known each other for years. They have been a couple a few differerent times before. In fact I would say that she has been an off and on **** buddy with him over a long period of time. Due to her age and personal circumstances she is now with him for his house and money. They are only a couple now for a few weeks.

They planned to meet me and tell me she was pregnant until they found out this pregancy was not going according to plan.
After this they are welcome to each other.

How could you possibly know she only with him for money?

Tbh your post comes across as very nasty, petty and jealous. I hope their pregnancy goes to plan or if it's lost, that they find happiness and ability to try again in time.

Move on, op. You're clearly hung up on this man and it's resulting in you saying some very nasty things that the lady doesn't deserve. Leave the couple alone and work out why you'd resort to such nasty thoughts over a crush.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-05-2016 10:02AM

OP, you're really not coming across very well in your posts at all. You have no clue about the intimate details of their relationship. So he said some less than complimentary things about her in the past. I assume this was when they were broken up one time? She probably said similar about him!

It is very very VERY obvious that you are jealous. If he is eager to bring her along, and has told her about your history together etc then you can be fairly certain he's told her other things about you. And probably asked her to come along because he has a feeling that you're hoping for something more to come of your good news and he wants there to be no ambiguity about his relationship status.

Honestly, you are coming across as quite nasty. Things didn't work out for you with this man. He's now happy and planning a family with another woman. You need to move on. You need to cut off all contact with him now, and stop fooling yourself that you're friends. If you were friends you'd be happy for him rather than bitching about his relationship, his partner and their pregnancy. Don't think you're good at hiding your true feelings for him, and his partner. The fact that he's letting you know he's telling her everything is to let you know that they both have a fair idea of what your true feelings for them are.

Leave them alone now.

Edit:

move on or another chance wrote: »

After this they are welcome to each other.

After what? You seem to think this man, even though he's in a relationship with another woman and hoping to start a family with her, somehow owes you something? And because he's not going to give it you he's "welcome" to his partner??

Unless you are leaving out something fundamental about the relationship you had with him, then your anger and bitterness are really disproportionate. And honestly - you're only annoying yourself. Sure, they're grand!!

daisybelle2008 · 24-05-2016 01:50PM

move on or another chance wrote: »

My good news was of a business nature and long term it could have been benifical for him as well as me. I was not telling him this in order for us to become a couple.

Ah would you give it a break of course your were. The title of your post was ‘move on or another chance’. Really? Is that ‘another chance’ at a business opportunity?
Who are you trying to fool? Getting back with him is absolutely your agenda.
Him bringing along his GF messed up that plan, so tearing her to bits is your way of venting at your scheme being derailed.
He has made his choice and they seem to be doing everything they can to politely tell you to back off. Not sure why they are letting you down so gently, maybe genuinely afraid of you sabotaging the relationship?

Big Bag of Chips · 24-05-2016 06:52PM

I recently got some good news and I asked him to meet me. I have since found out his is back with an ex-girlfriend.

The truth is that my news could have changed things between me and him.

Should I meet him or not? Should I tell him my news? Should I just cancel the meeting and tell him my good news was not important?

If you weren't telling him your good news with the intention of you becoming a couple then why are you now considering not telling him because he has a gf? Surely of he's "just a friend" then you would be happy to share your news, and he'd be happy to hear it. The only reason you wouldn't tell him is if you had an ulterior motive to begin with. Now, you haven't done a very good job of persuading us that you have no ulterior motive and I doubt he's convinced you have no ulterior motive!

This one didn't work out. He didn't like you as much as you like him. That's not his fault, and it's not his gf's fault. But you do need to move on and let go of your disappointment. I'd contact him and tell him you're too busy to meet up at the moment, give him the good news in the text... I'm guessing he'll be relieved to not have to go through a charade where you both know there's an underlying issue.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2016 03:16AM

Having read some of the posts here I would like to tell you all the following.

Despite what you think I am not jealous of him and her.

I had over a year of this man blowing hot and cold with me. He knew I wanted a realtionship with him but he was quite happy to use me. After his last realtionship ended I was expecting him to ask me out. I defended him time and time again and give him several chances to change things between us.

The truth is I knew he was back with this girlfriend again. I was not willing to put certain information in a text message to him so he though I was after him. He got the total wrong idea.

Since he did not meet me he does not know the reason I wanted to met him.
I came into a decent sum of money after a relative died and I had some other good news to tell him also. I also wanted to tell him since he decided to go back to /// I decided that out **** buddy days were over.

He won't be told my news now as I won't be the reason that him and her brake up. If he know of my change of circumstances he would be with me.
I know that he is not the man I though he was.

I have already started to make plans to move on my life.

PressRun · 27-05-2016 01:39PM

I don't know why you'd need to meet up with him to tell him that your "**** buddy days are over". Just stop contacting him altogether. Likewise, I don't understand why you're so keen to share this news with him if, like you say, he used you and he's not the man you thought he was? It sounds like there's a bit of residual bitterness here. I don't know whether you want to rub something in his face or what? Either way, just let it die. You don't really have a good reason to meet up with him, by the sounds of things.

batmanrobin · 27-05-2016 02:28PM

OP, no one owes you a relationship. You might have been expecting him to ask you out but he was under no obligation to do so. You seem to think that because you wasted a year with this guy you're owed something. I'd wager the vast majority of people on here have had their head melted by someone blowing hot and cold. The best thing to do with someone like that is cut contact.

You say you wanted to tell him you weren't going to be his fk buddy... Well I'm sure (unless he's a cheat) he's not interested in that with you anymore. You don't need to tell him.

Why do you think he'd want to be with you if you tell him your news? Is it because you now have some money?

Block his number and delete it. Then move on with your life and leave him to his.

Also, know what you want from men in future. If it's a relationship, don't settle for fk buddy status. You'll find that when you know what you want, you're not willing to settle for less and you won't waste time with non-starters like him.

Dial Hard · 27-05-2016 03:20PM

move on or another chance wrote: »

He won't be told my news now as I won't be the reason that him and her brake up. If he know of my change of circumstances he would be with me.

So you wanted to tell him your news to make him want to get back with you, just so you could tell him no?

That's healthy...

move on or another chance wrote: »

I have already started to make plans to move on my life.

I think we can all agree that that's for the best.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2016 03:31PM

You seem more than a little obsessed with money. His gf is only with him because of his house and money. If he knew about your money he'd suddenly want to be with you. If he's that well off, that somebody else is only with him for his money, why would money suddenly change his mind and steer him into a relationship with you when he never would before? If his gf is only with him for his money, then she probably doesn't have much herself? Yet he's choosing to be in a relationship with her, instead of going looking for someone with a few bob. So maybe he's not the gold digger you think he is. Maybe he actually likes her?

Your posts are a bit contradictory, and I think you are giving yourself away more than you realise. You clearly still have some residual feelings for this fella. That's normal. It stings a bit that you gave so much, and got so little in return, and someone who he was happy enough to slag off for a while seems to have gotten the "prize" ahead of you. I think you would like to say things to him to let him know you're over him. But I think, if you were over him then he wouldn't be occupying much/any of your thoughts. You wouldn't care he's moved on. You wouldn't care that you are no longer in touch, and you wouldn't care that you didn't get to tell him all this.

You WERE considering meeting him to tell him you'd come into money. You said that you know your news would have changed things between you. So are you saying you would have been happy for him to suddenly become interested in you because of money? Not because he actually loves you? Or are you saying you would have told him, hoping he'd show an interest, just so you could knock him back?

Either way, you need to let him go. I don't think he's done anything all that terrible to you. He was never interested in a relationship with you, and he let you know that. He was happy with the FWB set up, and you seemed happy with it too, but you were always hoping for more. That's not his fault, and if you were happy to keep sleeping with him he was obviously going to take it when offered! If you weren't happy with the setup, it was up to you to walk away.

Walk away now. With a bit of dignity. You don't need to tell him you are walking away with dignity. That would sort of negate it!!

Meet up with a male friend or not - was ****budy in the past

Comments