Church Wedding or Humanist Wedding?

Plankton1 · 16-05-2016 08:24PM #1

Guys I just wanted to resurrect this thread as I am in this situation now. I have actually booked a church but the wedding isn't for a long time so I can still change my decision. I was raised Catholic and my parents still go to mass every weekend. I go on people's anniversaries and at Christmas etc but not weekly and have long felt a disconnect from the church although I still have faith.
My OH is not religious at all and neither are his family. He will get married in a church for me but doesn't particularly want to.
I feel like a humanist ceremony which we can personalise to be a true reflection of us may be more suited to a ceremony where he is saying words he doesn't mean and making promises to a church that won't be kept. But I know my parents will be upset and I would rather not hurt them....part of me feels like I'm just going with the church to please them but part of me feels a connection to the church wedding too. im totally torn....!
Ps I don't like conflict and would not want to cause a rift with my family. I know it's our day but it's also a big and important day for our families too

Faith · 16-05-2016 08:36PM

Why are you prioritising your parents over your future husband?

Getting married is about making decisions together as a new family. If he's not religious, and you're only vaguely spiritual, it seems ridiculous to me that you'd get married in a church.

Keane2baMused · 16-05-2016 08:43PM

My Oh has faith but doesn't attend mass etc and like your parents his parents go to mass weekly and are firm believers.

I on the other hand consider myself atheist although baptised Catholic, my own family are the same.

My Oh would have liked a church wedding, especially for his parents sake. I explained my reasonings and he understood and we had to come to an agreement. So we decided to go with an interfaith minister. The woman who is doing our ceremony was raised a Catholic. The ceremony can be as religious or secular as you like and that way everyone should be pleased!

Could this be an option?

Plankton1 · 16-05-2016 08:45PM

Faith wrote: »

Why are you prioritising your parents over your future husband?

Getting married is about making decisions together as a new family. If he's not religious, and you're only vaguely spiritual, it seems ridiculous to me that you'd get married in a church.

I think it's important to respect your parents beliefs and how they raised you too, I'm close to them and while I haven't gone to mass regularly in a couple of years, I did go with them when I lived at home. I suppose I'm torn because I half feel like marriage is really a sacrament that I should do in a church and half feel like it won't truly reflect us as a couple, it would just more reflect me and my family

Plankton1 · 16-05-2016 08:47PM

Keane2baMused wrote: »

My Oh has faith but doesn't attend mass etc and like your parents his parents go to mass weekly and are firm believers.

I on the other hand consider myself atheist although baptised Catholic, my own family are the same.

My Oh would have liked a church wedding, especially for his parents sake. I explained my reasonings and he understood and we had to come to an agreement. So we decided to go with an interfaith minister. The woman who is doing our ceremony was raised a Catholic. The ceremony can be as religious or secular as you like and that way everyone should be pleased!

Could this be an option?

Thanks so much, does an interfaith minister do a humanist ceremony or is it another type of ceremony altogether? I've never been to a non church wedding!

Keane2baMused · 16-05-2016 08:49PM

Plankton1 wrote: »

Thanks so much, does an interfaith minister do a humanist ceremony or is it another type of ceremony altogether? I've never been to a non church wedding!

It can be as religious and include God as much as you like or not at all! They create the ceremony with you so you can choose all of your readings and poems etc.

Humanist is strictly non-religious where as an interfaith minister welcomes all religions or none if you prefer.

My celebrant is Geraldine Brown based in Galway. She seems lovely so far, our wedding is June next year

lazygal · 16-05-2016 08:49PM

Plankton1 wrote: »

I think it's important to respect your parents beliefs and how they raised you too, I'm close to them and while I haven't gone to mass regularly in a couple of years, I did go with them when I lived at home. I suppose I'm torn because I half feel like marriage is really a sacrament that I should do in a church and half feel like it won't truly reflect us as a couple, it would just more reflect me and my family

Respect doesn't mean you do something you're uncomfortable with. There were hints from some of our parents about having a church wedding but we're not hypocrites and didn't ever want religious elements in our day so their hints were gently rebuffed. You're marrying your partner, not honouring your parents' beliefs.

frostyjacks · 16-05-2016 08:56PM

A humanist wedding comes across as a bit of a cop out; a church wedding without the religious bit. Given you were raised Catholic and your parents are practicing Catholics, it would be churlish not to have a church wedding.

Keane2baMused · 16-05-2016 08:56PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

A humanist wedding comes across as a bit of a cop out; a church wedding without the religious bit. Given you were raised Catholic and your parents are practicing Catholics, it would be churlish not to have a church wedding.

Eh...what?????

lazygal · 16-05-2016 08:58PM

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Eh...what?????

Ah don't mind that. Frosty has his/her own unique take on everything.

eviltwin · 16-05-2016 08:58PM

I don't understand the thinking that your wedding day has to be acceptable to your parents, why??? I wouldn't ever dream of telling my children what they should or shouldn't do on their special day. It's their day!!

Toots · 16-05-2016 09:04PM

Plankton1 I've given you your own thread for this. Often what happens if you post in an older thread is posters will only read the first few posts and then jump in with a reply, so this way you'll (hopefully) be getting advice more relevant to you.

Plankton1 · 16-05-2016 09:07PM

I suppose it's partly not wanting to upset my parents but it's also partly my own internal dilemma because as I said I am a catholic! Maybe it's the guilt! Am I a hypocrite if I don't get married in a church but then I do baptise my kids and go to mass??

Keane2baMused · 16-05-2016 09:08PM

Plankton1 wrote: »

I suppose it's partly not wanting to upset my parents but it's also partly my own internal dilemma because as I said I am a catholic! Maybe it's the guilt! Am I a hypocrite if I don't get married in a church but then I do baptise my kids and go to mass??

No you're not a hypocrite. You don't have to go to mass to be Catholic or have faith.

lazygal · 16-05-2016 09:10PM

What's to feel guilty about?
Once I stopped going through the motions I realized not only did I not believe in God I disagreed with all the Catholic teachings on gay people and abortion and women. No guilt at all about leaving all that behind!

lazygal · 16-05-2016 09:11PM

Keane2baMused wrote: »

No you're not a hypocrite. You don't have to go to mass to be Catholic or have faith.

Pretty sure attending mass is required for Catholics!

Keane2baMused · 16-05-2016 09:24PM

lazygal wrote: »

Pretty sure attending mass is required for Catholics!

No, it's not really.

You can have faith and follow the religion without attending the church to bow and kneel.

ElleEm · 16-05-2016 09:24PM

Your wedding is not about your parents, it is about your relationship. I genuinely don't understand why someone would choose to celebrate their relationship by doing something that suits other people.
Sit down with your partner and discuss something that would make you both happy (and only consider you both). I would recommend avoiding discussing this with people who may have an agenda.

Plankton1 · 16-05-2016 09:28PM

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I think I'll sit down with my OH and look into an interfaith ceremony and what's involved, and then speak to my mother who is a reasonable lady and only wants us to be happy at the end of the day! I think I'm realising over the course of this thread that it's myself who is conflicted, it's not necessarily our views versus my parents. It's me versus me!!

One eyed Jack · 16-05-2016 09:46PM

lazygal wrote: »

Pretty sure attending mass is required for Catholics!

Required? No. One is still a Catholic even though they may never attend mass.

OP as you identify as Catholic, there's a kicker you may (or may not ?) be aware of - your marriage is recognised by the RCC only if you get married in a Church. My marriage to my non-religious wife isn't recognised by the RCC because we got married in a civil ceremony in the local registry office. It was an intimate event and everyone enjoyed it.

I did particularly because not only was I marrying the girl I love, but I didn't have to be babysitting my family who can't behave themselves no matter what the occasion, they'll still try to make it all about themselves.

Obviously your family are important to you, and quite frankly I'd have been delighted to have my family's support, but supporting you should mean that your family will support your decision, rather than you having to base your decisions on what suits them. Marriage is of course about family, and the bigger the better, and you should remind your family of this when it comes to you making decisions for yourself.

I don't mean to be crude but your family won't be sharing the marital bed either, and by that I mean that there are some decisions are so fundamental in your relationship that the only people can make them are you and your future husband. Start as you mean to go on and if your family really and truly want to be understanding and supportive as Catholics themselves, then they will roll in behind you both and recognise that this is yours and your future husband's day, not theirs.

Apologies for the sermon, hadn't meant to be so long winded! That was another thing btw about a registry office wedding - short and sweet, €20 to the registrar for keeping it that way

My brother and his wife spent €42k on their White Wedding day occasion, and my mother fell asleep mid-ceremony, snores like a bear... the in-laws were not amused :pac:

ChampagnePop · 16-05-2016 09:51PM

I think the problem with parents paying for the wedding is they start to think they have a say in everything, including the service. Hope you find a solution that fits you OP, my OH would not have had a church wedding, my family don't know yet, it won't go down well

Plankton1 · 16-05-2016 09:56PM

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I think the problem with parents paying for the wedding is they start to think they have a say in everything, including the service. Hope you find a solution that fits you OP, my OH would not have had a church wedding, my family don't know yet, it won't go down well

Mine aren't even paying ha! It's a toughie champagnepop...good luck too!

Purple410 · 16-05-2016 09:58PM

We're going interfaith for somewhat similar reasons. I'm not a humanist so marrying under them didn't quite right either. I wasn't gonna do church for other people either though. We got a really fab interfaith minister, who has helped us craft a ceremony that is for us. Part of us being happy is that we include other people's beliefs. We did this by incorporating some pauses where people of some faiths might say a prayer and they are free to do so in their head. For others who wouldn't do this they can think about whatever they like! I'm aiming to be respectful of the range of beliefs and traditions, but the ceremony has to reflect us as a couple first and foremost. I know some probably will moan either way, and I'm cool with that. Respecting their viewpoint does not mean that our ceremony will be what they would prefer. I'm being respectful, not a pushover! Hopefully I only get to do this once, so I feel I've got to be true to me and true to us. It's good you are discussing it and thinking through options. We had to take a lot of time looking at options and reading books about ceremonies and vows to decide what was right. I hope you find what will work for you both

ChampagnePop · 16-05-2016 10:23PM

Plankton1 wrote: »

Mine aren't even paying ha! It's a toughie champagnepop...good luck too!

Oh sorry - don't know where that came from!

I'm just sad I'll be letting down my granparents, I won't change my mind, but it's the first non-church wedding in the family.

I've been reading examples of humanist ceremonies and they're really beautiful, they feel so right for me and my OH, not for everyone I know, it has to be what suits you.

freshpopcorn · 17-05-2016 07:33AM

Go with what feels right for you at the end of the day. I know for myself a church wedding would be important but it's what I would want and not because my parents would want it.
One thing I often notice is people often go flapping around trying to make there parents happy when in fact there not overly bothered.

meeeeh · 17-05-2016 02:57PM

I don't know how would it work in Ireland but I have been to weddings where civil bit has to be separate and only one partner got married at church wedding.

DavyD_83 · 17-05-2016 03:10PM

If, as you say you see marriage as a sacrament and that is important to you, then it seems like Church wedding is only real option for you as my understanding would be that is how the catholic sacrament works etc. (open to correction)

We had a humanist ceremony, and I've been to a few catholic and humanist ceremonies since and one interfaith (i think).
Personally, what I dislike about Church ceremonies is that the focus is to a large extent on God and your commitments to him.
In some cases it has really felt like the marriage has just been squeezed into a mass, almost as an inconvenience.

In all other ceremonies I have seen, the focus is the marriage and your commitments to each other, which to me is far more important.

Although I don't believe in doing things a certain way just to keep parents happy, I understand that it can be a consideration, and for some people it actually is important.
In some cases one person (or both)will not be happy on the day unless their parents are also happy; which is not unreasonable either.
Only you and your OH can decide what is best for you guys.

Plankton1 · 17-05-2016 03:48PM

thanks for that! I am thinking that a compromise may be the church ceremony without the mass bit, and asking our priest about including more personal elements to it for example some priests will allow handfasting, having a poem written by a family member recited, including some music that is meaningful to my OH...this may be the way to go

Mrs OBumble · 17-05-2016 04:28PM

Plankton1 wrote: »

I suppose I'm torn because I half feel like marriage is really a sacrament that I should do in a church and half feel like it won't truly reflect us as a couple, it would just more reflect me and my family

Don't want to sound mean,, but if you really think that marriage is a sacrament, then you need to be asking yourself if marrying someone who does not believe the same thing is a good idea. Can you have a sacramental marriage with someone who doesn't believe in God?

fannymagee · 17-05-2016 04:33PM

Plankton1 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I think I'll sit down with my OH and look into an interfaith ceremony and what's involved, and then speak to my mother who is a reasonable lady and only wants us to be happy at the end of the day! I think I'm realising over the course of this thread that it's myself who is conflicted, it's not necessarily our views versus my parents. It's me versus me!!

Pankton I'm an Interfatih Minister, feel free to PM me if I can help with any questions :-)

Plankton1 · 17-05-2016 04:38PM

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Don't want to sound mean,, but if you really think that marriage is a sacrament, then you need to be asking yourself if marrying someone who does not believe the same thing is a good idea. Can you have a sacramental marriage with someone who doesn't believe in God?

Well he does believe in God he just doesn't identify as Catholic or have anything to do with organised religion. I suppose I feel that marriage is like communion, confirmation etc as in it's one of the rituals within the church that I was raised as a part of. I don't feel it will affect our life together. And yes I 100% should be marrying him:)

Church Wedding or Humanist Wedding?

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