Being witty with women

Otis_taylor2 · 15-05-2016 1:33pm #1

Hi all,

This is a question i've been meaning to ask here for very very long time. How does one be witty when talking to women. How do you build that skill of wittiness or sense of humour? How do you be naturally funny?

I believe it also has to be spontaneous (as the conversation goes) and 'being prepared' to be funny is pointless. I understand it also depends on one's personality.

I don't seem to have that sense of wittiness as part of my personality or i've lost it somewhere in the past. I don't think i have any problems chatting up with anyone on the street (i think), although I see myself sliding towards being more serious/formal in most conversations with women.

So ladies and gentlemen, would you have any advice on how to be witty when talking to women, or how to be naturally funny?

All advices are welcomed

One eyed Jack · 15-05-2016 2:51pm

OP you will never, ever... ever, ever, ever, be able to fake being naturally funny. Attempting to be someone you think another person wants you to be, not only comes across as patronising to them, but you're also doing yourself a disservice, and then trying to keep up their expectations that you have to entertain them will be emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting for you.

Instead of trying to be who you think other people would want you to be, just be yourself, and people will find your true self far more interesting and easier to engage with than having to put up with your fake personality that drives them up them up the wall.

Some women will find your natural personality attractive, some women won't, and if you try to please them all, you'll only end up making yourself miserable, and nobody finds misery attractive.

DeadHand · 15-05-2016 3:18pm

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

How do you be naturally funny?

May as well ask 'how do you be tall'? Either you have it or you don't.

Be yourself.

Concentrate on things you can improve such as being more relaxed and confident- who knows maybe your natural sense of humour will come to the fore then. In any case, approaching conversations with a set plan or role in mind such as making a deliberate attempt to be a funny guy will likely make for an awkward, contrived experience.

I find some younger men especially regard talking to possibly suitable women as some mystical endeavour to be undertaken with great caution and forethought. They're people too; approach them as such. Try to enjoy it without overthinking it- you'll meet with more romantic success (if that's your aim) and find the "failures" so much more enjoyable.

Otis_taylor2 · 15-05-2016 3:19pm

Thanks Jack, thats very interesting never thought of it that way.

- so would you say its just something you know about from experience ?

- something that just comes naturally and no point overthinking it?

If you don't mind me asking, what has your experience been? would you consider yourself naturally witty, as in it just happens, or something you came to know about about (not 'learnt' in the strict sense) through experience.

I could possibly be overthinking this.

Anyone else any advice or point of view please feel free to share.

Panthro · 15-05-2016 3:21pm

Just talk to them as if they were ..ya know ..human like the rest of us!

Otis_taylor2 · 15-05-2016 3:40pm

DeadHand wrote: »

May as well ask 'how do you be tall'? Either you have it or you don't.

Be yourself.

Concentrate on things you can improve such as being more relaxed and confident- who knows maybe your natural sense of humour will come to the fore then. In any case, approaching conversations with a set plan or role in mind such as making a deliberate attempt to be a funny guy will likely make for an awkward, contrived experience.

I find some younger men especially regard talking to possibly suitable women as some mystical endeavour to be undertaken with great caution and forethought. They're people too; approach them as such. Try to enjoy it without overthinking it- you'll meet with more romantic success (if that's your aim) and find the "failures" so much more enjoyable.

Panthro wrote: »

Just talk to them as if they were ..ya know ..human like the rest of us!

Thanks guys

I don't have a problem talking to women per se, i.e but after the initial contact i just feel i come across as less interesting, not much to talk or i'm driving the conversation to boredom, which made me think if its also of the sense of wittiness that is missing.

But as you said DH more relaxed and confident - something i have to work on.

spurious · 15-05-2016 3:48pm

Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

Otis_taylor2 · 15-05-2016 3:55pm

spurious wrote: »

Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

I do that, maybe a bit too much. And too much of it comes across as lacking confidence, self-worth. I think.

Shint0 · 15-05-2016 4:26pm

Are you saying you have a sense of humour around men but you are unable to express it around women or you perceive yourself to be lacking in a sense of humour in general? Would you partake in any workplace banter if your work environment lends itself to that? People do of course have different styles of humour which are not always compatible and a lot of humour can be lost in translation in inter-cultural contexts something which I have personal experience and is something I would miss from that aspect of a relationship if someone doesn't get my 'Irishness'.
To be honest I don't think you should try force the issue if it doesn't come naturally in any context but it can be a dealbreaker for some people I must admit.

Wibbs · 15-05-2016 4:41pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

OP you will never, ever... ever, ever, ever, be able to fake being naturally funny.

This. You can get better at it if you have a natural gift for it, but you are either funny or you are not. Witty depends on the audience too. Some wit might go over a storm with one group or one woman and would fall flat on it's arse with another. Just like professional comedy. EG I find Stewart Lee about as funny as galloping leprosy of the man pods, yet others adore him. Plus some people have no humour in them, or it's buried very deeply, so even at your best you would be met with a face like an Easter island statue. With active haemorrhoids.

Be yourself is OK advice, but it's not far off "be funny" as it's only a start point. Find out what your strengths are and seek to improve them. Be the best self you can be in essence.

Otis_taylor2 · 15-05-2016 5:25pm

Shint0 wrote: »

Are you saying you have a sense of humour around men but you are unable to express it around women or you perceive yourself to be lacking in a sense of humour in general? Would you partake in any workplace banter if your work environment lends itself to that? People do of course have different styles of humour which are not always compatible and a lot of humour can be lost in translation in inter-cultural contexts something which I have personal experience and is something I would miss from that aspect of a relationship if someone doesn't get my 'Irishness'.
To be honest I don't think you should try force the issue if it doesn't come naturally in any context but it can be a dealbreaker for some people I must admit.

I guess its a lack of a sense of humour in general. overall i do have to work on getting out a bit more.

Timberrrrrrrr · 15-05-2016 5:28pm

As others have said it's all about being you and not the you that you think they will like. You could say something g extremely witty to one woman and she will.laugh aloud touch your arm and say "that was brilliant" another woman may look at you like you are an alien being. All.women (and men) are different and what works in one situation may fail in another.

15-05-2016 5:37pm

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

I guess its a lack of a sense of humour in general. overall i do have to work on getting out a bit more.

Well if that's just who you are, that's okay too. Not everyone expects to be entertained.

People can generally tell when someone is trying to be funny, so don't put too much effort into it. It can actually be quite wearing when someone is giving you their best witty lines and you're suddenly you're not having a conversation, but being an audience.

If you're getting along with women and have no issue chatting, it's not something you should worry about.

One eyed Jack · 15-05-2016 6:18pm

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Thanks Jack, thats very interesting never thought of it that way.

- so would you say its just something you know about from experience ?

- something that just comes naturally and no point overthinking it?

If you don't mind me asking, what has your experience been? would you consider yourself naturally witty, as in it just happens, or something you came to know about about (not 'learnt' in the strict sense) through experience.

I could possibly be overthinking this.

Anyone else any advice or point of view please feel free to share.

I couldn't say you were overthinking it at all OP because it helps to be aware of these things about yourself. You'll probably be able to tell for yourself anyway whether you really are overthinking it or not when you can't really think about anything else!

My opinion is based solely upon my own experiences, plenty of failures I try not to spend too much time thinking about and analysing, and even now at 39 and in a relationship for the last 20 years, I still get it monumentally wrong an awful lot of the time, and my wife has no problem reminding me just how much a pain in the hole I can be!

I don't consider myself naturally witty at all tbh, and there are plenty of times I wish I had an ability to be as articulate and to have a turn of phrase that some posters around these parts have! They're to be admired though rather than envied, because envy is just counter productive to your learning how to interact with and show understanding to other people.

I find personally that you get back what you put out there, and if you put yourself out there more and mix with a couple of different social groups, you'll always be increasing your chances of meeting interesting people, and meeting people who find you interesting.

YouTookMyName · 15-05-2016 9:24pm

1. Just be yourself
2. Make them feel at ease
3. The golden rule - always let them have their way.

It's easiest in the long run.

Wibbs · 15-05-2016 10:05pm

Not ragging on you YTMN, but I see this kinda thing a lot and since you were first in the line…

YouTookMyName wrote: »

1. Just be yourself

Good advice, but how? What if himself is coming across badly? If being himself worked he wouldn't be here looking for some guidance. Fair play that he has asked. That's step one. If he continues to just be himself without putting some effort into it he's likely gonna get nowhere. Unless he gets "lucky". Which all too often means being so grateful for attention he ends up chained by the first woman who gives him any. Now he may actually get lucky and I have seen that alright, but IMH and IME it's a near surefire way to attract a control freak and PITA(see below). Maybe it's just me and even though I know it is meant with genuine empathy and in the best spirit, but the "just be yourself" mantra is lazy as all hell. Let's make it so easy, because you're perfect as you are. Eh no. Unless your name is Mr Buddha(and even he could be a right selfish wanker. And yes I will happily point out where) you need work. Hell I need more work than a middle aged Hollywood starlet that ran out of botox a month ago. I'm likely beyond redemption, but younger, less cynical lads most certainly aren't.

2. Make them feel at ease

Again good advice, but how? Double how. You may as well say "just swim" to someone who has never learned. Never mind that different people have different levels of "ease".

3. The golden rule - always let them have their way.

It's easiest in the long run.

This one really winds me up TBH. Like that cheesy American ballsology of "a happy wife is a happy life" guff. What are men? Slaves to unexploded feminine grenades that might go off at any time unless you tiptoe around the place kowtowing? Sod that for a game of soldiers. It's incredibly sexist for a start. It is basically saying that women are daft, wilfully nasty and in need of constant emotional and life bolstering. Hey, make no mistake, some are, but given that so many men buy into this notion I'm not too surprised that many of the same some end up as harpies because the men in their lives rather than being equal partners in the relationship defer to them across the board. Put it another way there'd be no Irish Mammies(™) as partners if there weren't grown arsed Irish men willing to be surrogate sons for them. Well there might be, but they'd be alone. With cats. And would be a minority.

Otis_taylor2 · 16-05-2016 12:08am

Wibbs wrote: »

Find out what your strengths are and seek to improve them. Be the best self you can be in essence.

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

As others have said it's all about being you and not the you that you think they will like.

Grilled Fish wrote: »

Amuse yourself first and foremost, learn to not care what women think about you. When you take on these traits you will make women laugh even when you aren't actually being funny. Being funny shouldn't be the focus, that will come once you learn to self amuse and express yourself authentically. Learn to say what you are actually thinking more often when chatting with women. With the growing confidence you will naturally become more genuine and funniness will flow naturally from there.

Candie wrote: »

It can actually be quite wearing when someone is giving you their best witty lines and you're suddenly you're not having a conversation, but being an audience.

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I wish I had an ability to be as articulate and to have a turn of phrase that some posters around these parts have!They're to be admired though rather than envied, because envy is just counter productive to your learning how to interact with and show understanding to other people.

I find personally that you get back what you put out there, and if you put yourself out there more and mix with a couple of different social groups, you'll always be increasing your chances of meeting interesting people, and meeting people who find you interesting.

Thank you all for the advice some very interesting points there, will take them all onboard

YFlyer · 16-05-2016 12:10am

Be relax and self assure.

16-05-2016 12:11am

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Instead of trying to be who you think other people would want you to be, just be yourself, and people will find your true self far more interesting

I think this advice is well meaning but not necessarily true

YFlyer · 16-05-2016 12:14am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think this advice is well meaning but not necessarily true

Been fake be grand for one night stand. Not for long term relationship

16-05-2016 12:30am

YFlyer wrote: »

Been fake be grand for one night stand. Not for long term relationship

It was more the certainty that people will find the real you interesting. People will or they won't.

Shint0 · 16-05-2016 12:58am

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

I see myself sliding towards being more serious/formal in most conversations with women.

Regardless of being naturally witty or having an aptitude for deadpan humour I do think the art of conversation is probably more important and that's actually something that can be learned and honed over time through developing an interest in various topics. If you listen carefully to people who do tend to talk lots, a lot of it is actually repetition and going on ad nauseum about the same points which would probably just fit on a page à la Albert Reynolds. You even find that a lot on boards here. Same circular arguments, same topics. SSDD (Same **** Different Day) yet they probably come across as very interesting and enlightened people.

I think paying attention to what's going on around you is key. As an example, I have zero interest in sport. Not even a passing interest. None. Nada. Yet, when driving to work listening to the news I always hear the sports bulletins directly after. I say hear. Not actively listen but some of it obviously sticks and if I met a guy, for example, (me being female), I can probably regurgitate and spew out a few different facts and appear to dazzle them with some knowledge of what's happening currently in the world of sport. Enough to make it seem I have not just emerged from a cave which lost transmission when people refer to Leicester, for example. In this regard I think it is possible to fake until you make it. Maybe that's something you can focus on more.

Junkyard Tom · 16-05-2016 2:26am

Deleted User wrote: »

I think this advice is well meaning but not necessarily true

Nobody but nobody is 'themselves' when they're meeting people for the first time and when it comes to trying to impress a ladywoman you send out the best version of yourself.

In the longer term what's important is how close to your 'best self' your 'regular self' is. If your 'best self' is upbeat and jokey but your regular self is downbeat and a bit humourless then you're probably going to be disappointed.

Second Toughest in_the Freshers · 16-05-2016 2:33am

DeadHand wrote: »

May as well ask 'how do you be tall'? Either you have it or you don't.

Be yourself...

*takes out notebook, writes

Bee.. Yourself...

Crow92 · 16-05-2016 3:12am

I don't understand how people think you're either funny or not, it's not like being tall, people learn to be funny, albeit usually at a younger age, but there's not reason someone couldn't become funnier with practise

Observation, timing and language are what I see as being different things you could work on objectively which could help you become funnier. As someone suggested, practice with some banter at work, one aspect of being witty usually involves slagging someone off (being it yourself or others).

Don't overly force anything, if you try too hard it'll come across as fake / stifled so baby steps and build up the confidence slowly.

LostinBlanch · 16-05-2016 10:53am

As you can see, there's plenty of advice above. But what parts of it you'll take depends on you.

My tuppence worth is that you seem to be overthinking things, and in the middle of a conversation that's a no no. Then you start feeling more self conscious which shows in your body language, pauses in conversation, women picks up on this either consciously or subconsciously, and things start getting a bit awkward. There are a couple of things you could do to stop this happening.

Be taller :P I mean prepare for a conversation like having a basic plan of things you'd like to talk about. That way you don't have to worry about what to say and stop overthinking about it. Something like use the FORD acronym to cover things to talk about with anybody new - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. Then you can have some stories of your own to add to the conversation.

You could also try something totally different which will probably scare the cr*p out of you like doing some improv or stand up comedy classes. This is something to push you out of your comfort zone and get you used to telling a story in a stressful situation that just talking to someone new (male or female) will be a lot easier. You will probably get some advice on your delivery, tone of voice, body language etc; and you might enjoy it!

Sapphire · 16-05-2016 12:54pm

Wit is very subjective. I like a good sense of humour, a quick and clever wit personally, but it really depends, you know?

Lads type banter or slagging is generally a turn off for me. Wit that depends on ripping apart someone's appearance or being nasty also was something I might have found tolerable when I was in my early twenties but now I'm a bit older I now find it juvenile or tiresome. Someone who was a constant joker or a bit of a clown wouldn't do it for me either. But then, that could be exactly what another woman loves.

Don't forget that laughing at her jokes (if you like her humour that it!) is a very good way of showing you have a sense of humour. Listening is also a very useful chat-up skill that's vastly underrated.

The Black Oil · 16-05-2016 10:40pm

spurious wrote: »

Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

I remember someone, not on this website, with an internet signature that read: "Self-deprecation, saving others the bother since 198X". Being able to take the mick of yourself is useful, but as noted, overdoing it can come across poorly. Small doses and all that.

I'd have a fairly dry sense of humour, observational, mocking, generally meant in affection, never overly personal or stinging. I once got a strong tap on the arm because of a remark I made, it was the content and timing and a little bit of luck. At the other end of the spectrum, I simply don't do "Did you hear the one about _______?" a big long spiel, many twists and turns. It's not me.

"Be yourself" reminds me of the Father Ted episode where Ted said that to Dougal about the Sinead O' Connor type figure and he asks about her bra. :pac: There's a truth in it, of course. Don't over-extend yourself to be a certain way to fit into a perceived type around humour. And yeah, as mentioned, just keep an ear on the news bulletins, no harm re small talk even if you find the news stories dull.

lazybones32 · 16-05-2016 11:59pm

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Hi all,

This is a question i've been meaning to ask here for very very long time. How does one be witty when talking to women. How do you build that skill of wittiness or sense of humour? How do you be naturally funny?

I believe it also has to be spontaneous (as the conversation goes) and 'being prepared' to be funny is pointless. I understand it also depends on one's personality.

I don't seem to have that sense of wittiness as part of my personality or i've lost it somewhere in the past. I don't think i have any problems chatting up with anyone on the street (i think), although I see myself sliding towards being more serious/formal in most conversations with women.

So ladies and gentlemen, would you have any advice on how to be witty when talking to women, or how to be naturally funny?

All advices are welcomed

This boils down to the old Nature V Nurture argument - either you have it or you don't?

I set my stall in the Nurture field. No-one is born a great leader; no-one is born wise or funny but with effort, practice and perseverance you can develop characteristics that you see as lacking within yourself.
Do you think Obama is a skilled orator by natural talent only? No. He practises the sh*t out of his speeches and rehearses and tweaks his emphasis; body language and gestures before delivering a seemingly free flowing, 'top of my head' speech.

You can start to become witty by reading up on witty people*: you don't have to read their life story, just some quotes by them (think Mark Twain, Oscar wilde, Groucho Marx, etc) and start making deposits to your memory bank, so you'll have le mot juste for the right occasion.

Rome wasn't built in a day and your personality won't change overnight. It takes time and lots of failures and foot-in-mouth experiences but eventually you'll get to a place that you're happy with. I would discourage any person from trying to improve themselves solely to impress someone or to get more tail but that's my thought on the matter.

Another way is to listen to people and observe them. Don't fawn over them but look, listen and observe. Talk with some older people too: I've found a lot of them can be so sharp and subtle, that they can be taking the piss out of you without you realising it. Their delivery can be so expert it could take 10mins before you realise there was a playful jab landed and you're the last one to get it. To go and retort when you finally do feel the sting would only make you look like a bigger daw.

It's easier to be pleasant, polite and gracious with women than to try and entertain them with anecdotes and witticisms in order to impress but if the ultimate motivation is to get her underwear off, I'd question the effort required...but hey, my username wasn't chosen carelessly.

*A site like A-Z Quotes is a friggin' goldmine for the collective observations and opinions of people throughout recorded history and would be a good starting point.

silverharp · 17-05-2016 10:22am

its funny , nobody is ever given a manual on this but its a vital social skill. Amongst guys its part of the friendly rivalry but an important skill to assert yourself within any particular group and then as the great Hitch once commented, if a man cant make a woman laugh he wont be passing on his genes or something to that effect.
I'd stay away from clownish, puerile and even self deprecating humour , the better types come from observational , linking in anecdotes , humour based on absurdity , humour that demonstrates that you are well read. At the end of the day nobody wants a stand up comedian , if you can make the same person laugh once or twice a week you are doing it right.

Wibbs · 17-05-2016 11:26am

silverharp wrote: »

Amongst guys its part of the friendly rivalry but an important skill to assert yourself within any particular group and then as the great Hitch once commented, if a man cant make a woman laugh he wont be passing on his genes or something to that effect.

There have been theories that funnier men tend to be cleverer with higher levels of testosterone and that male humour was a selected for trait for attractiveness and social jostling.

As for a manual for it. I would reckon that outside of nurture factors with social interaction skills there is a "sweet spot" of learning and experimentation when the mind is at its most plastic and able to adapt. I'd put that sweet spot in adolescence. A time when you're almost expected to be daft and do stupid things, until you find the "you" that fits.

It would be my wild ramblings that with the rise of social media and other pressures on kids today, young men in this case, this sweet spot can be missed. It's easier to avoid social interactions today and not be noticed as being apart. Or replace social interactions with social media ones. Although our privacy as a species is being eaten into*, in another way we've never been more allowed to be alone. Look at extremes like the chunk of a generation of outside of society young guys in Japan.

Trying to learn such things later on is doable, but more difficult. The mind isn't quite as adaptable and society tends to frown more on mistakes. Still doable mind you. Just be wary of sounding practiced, how to win friends and influence people stylee. That can come across as jarring even "creepy" where none of that is intended(though can depend on culture. Works more in the US type culture for example). You want to be more Steve Googan and not Alan Partridge if you see what I mean?

*Though privacy is a relatively modern construct so maybe we're reseting? Among hunter gatherers they are almost never alone. Ditto for older style agricultural societies. The religious hermit was a penance, not something actively sought out. I'd bet the farm that social anxiety is as rare as other illnesses of affluence in such societies too. Depressive illnesses are certainly rarer.

Being witty with women

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