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will I send it or not?

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Comments

  • #32
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    amdublin wrote: »
    Do you want to be happy and in a nice relationship without all this immature posturing and stonewalling? Is your boyfriend ever going to change?

    ^^ This.

    The stonewalling.

    The was a thread here recently where a woman with children finally had enough and asked her partner to leave and he stone walled her. So she was stuck with him still there in silence refusing to acknowledge that she wanted to end things.

    Really it's the worst way someone can behave IMO. If they can emotionally shut out their closest loved one, it really speaks volumes.


  • #33
    Cleveland Hot Pocket
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,193 ✭✭✭Cleveland Hot Pocket


    Tigger99 wrote: »
    It's not just about sending a job ad on tho, is it? You've already spoke to the manager without asking your boyfriend if it'd be ok. I'd be mightily pissed off if someone did this behind my back, especially someone I was arguing with ar the time.

    Also looking on a job website that he won't look at snacks of acting like his mammy. Surely he can make up his own mind what he does about his job hunt.

    Just shows how the same action can be viewed completely differently.
    If someone found me a job when I was looking, and put in a good word for me, I'd be delighted. Especially if I was arguing with the person at the time.


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yeah kinda second the above... you say ye get on well... no relationship is perfect... couples do a lot worse... i think you just need objective counselling to show ye techniques on how to resolve minor issues like these... no point giving up a 12 month relationship & regretting it down the road... especially when sometimes a third party holds a mirror upto our behaviour which sometimes is hard to see otherwise...


  • #35
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,631 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    dove2011 wrote: »
    - I had landed into a mistake I made in the decorating of my house (this is the 5th time I have picked the incorrect paint) we were speaking on the phone, I got upset about it to him, he changed the subject and said I will leave you be your in a bit of a mood. I asked for some empathy and he turned around and then he brought up how his family were sick and hung up... I apologized over text and he said he was rapidly getting sick of me..

    Honestly, OP, this is ridiculous. You pick the wrong paint for the fifth time and then you ask for empathy? Honestly if you were my partner I'd be telling you to cop the f**k on!! I might say it in a jokey way, laughing at you for being such an idiot, again, but I certainly would not be offering you tea and sympathy!!

    It's very difficult to get the context of a whole relationship across in a few posts, but from this post alone I think your relationship must be very draining. I can see why your boyfriend is tiring of it. His way of dealing with things isn't ideal, but then some people aren't great at talking things through. Some couples won't feel the need to have a post mortem over every row. They will just accept that sometimes bickering happens and give each other space to get over it and then move on once things calm down, without the big talk. Sometimes it is necessary to talk through a problem or argument, but not always.

    If you are the type to want to talk through every tiny argument and your boyfriend isn't, then I can see why he'd clam up and back away. Not very mature, but nobody is perfect. Neither of you are necessarily wrong. You're both just different. You need to figure out if you're too different to stay in a relationship, or if you can both accept each other's 'quirks'.

    Edit: As for your original question, send it or don't. I think in the long term it won't make much difference to you as a couple whether you do or don't. I'd probably send it. You originally wanted to do it as an icebreaker. Sometimes that's what couples do with each other rather than having the big talk. And sometimes it's usually always the same person who's breaking the ice. Again, that's just something you need to decide if you're ok with or not.


  • #36
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Honestly, OP, this is ridiculous. You pick the wrong paint for the fifth time and then you ask for empathy? Honestly if you were my partner I'd be telling you to cop the f**k on!! I might say it in a jokey way, laughing at you for being such an idiot, again, but I certainly would not be offering you tea and sympathy!!

    It's very difficult to get the context of a whole relationship across in a few posts, but from this post alone I think your relationship must be very draining. I can see why your boyfriend is tiring of it. His way of dealing with things isn't ideal, but then some people aren't great at talking things through. Some couples won't feel the need to have a post mortem over every row. They will just accept that sometimes bickering happens and give each other space to get over it and then move on once things calm down, without the big talk. Sometimes it is necessary to talk through a problem or argument, but not always.

    If you are the type to want to talk through every tiny argument and your boyfriend isn't, then I can see why he'd clam up and back away. Not very mature, but nobody is perfect. Neither of you are necessarily wrong. You're both just different. You need to figure out if you're too different to stay in a relationship, or if you can both accept each other's 'quirks'.

    Edit: As for your original question, send it or don't. I think in the long term it won't make much difference to you as a couple whether you do or don't. I'd probably send it. You originally wanted to do it as an icebreaker. Sometimes that's what couples do with each other rather than having the big talk. And sometimes it's usually always the same person who's breaking the ice. Again, that's just something you need to decide if you're ok with or not.

    Saying his behaviour isn't ideal is a bit of an understatement. It's incredibly juvenile! Teenagers sulk and do the cold shoulder. Adults talk it out. I knew a guy like the OP's bf. It is massively frustrating to try and talk to a guy who is refusing to engage, not to mention incredibly hurtful. It completely shifts the balance of power totally to his side as you find yourself being the one apologising and trying to make amends even when it's their bad behaviour that might have caused the initial problem.

    You cannot have an adult relationship with a man whose response is to ignore you and any problems.


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  • #37
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,631 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    batmanrobin wrote: »
    You cannot have an adult relationship with a man whose response is to ignore you and any problems.

    And that is why the OP is free to walk away from the relationship if she can't handle it. Everybody makes their own choices.

    Your bf is the way he is, OP. Us all sitting at our keyboards telling you what he should/shouldn't be doing in a relationship is absolutely pointless. It's not going to make him behave differently. If you are in a relationship with someone where you feel there is an imbalance of power and you are the one who always has to apologise etc, then you have choices. You accept that for what it is. Or you don't accept it and move on.


  • #38
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    And that is why the OP is free to walk away from the relationship if she can't handle it. Everybody makes their own choices.

    Your bf is the way he is, OP. Us all sitting at our keyboards telling you what he should/shouldn't be doing in a relationship is absolutely pointless. It's not going to make him behave differently. If you are in a relationship with someone where you feel there is an imbalance of power and you are the one who always has to apologise etc, then you have choices. You accept that for what it is. Or you don't accept it and move on.

    I'd agree with you. "Men" who behave like that aren't worth the time or energy. Too much like engaging with a child and they tend not to change.

    As for letting him know about the job, I'd do so, OP, but you have bigger issues in this relationship that would need to be addressed.


  • #39
    HiGlo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    dove2011 wrote: »
    This is just two of us blow in up; I would have thought he would have cooled down by now. We have made plans to move in together and build a future....

    Communication and possibly compatibility is a big issue for us- I might be immature but that is me. His stonewalling is loud and clear. He expects me to do the apolozing but I can't this time.

    This bit stood out for me. Surely these are cornerstones of a relationship...?
    It sounds like perhaps you're both not in a great place at the moment and are struggling to work through things together.

    I can see how the behaviour is bad on both sides, you pushing for sympathy/empathy over paint (or aka showing no awareness for the context your moaning in) and him ignoring you and refusing to communicate.

    If you guys do plan/want to move forward then I'm not sure how that can happen without changes from both sides.

    Re the job, I personally would tell the guy that you've seen a job he might be interested in, send him a link and leave it at that.


  • #40
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    I don't understand why you feel you need empathy from him (or anyone) over buying the wrong paint? :confused:

    Can you explain this? Or your version of what empathy means? Or what you expect from other people in (non-important) situations like this?

    (am female) and even that would do MY head in. But that is just me.

    Like, if you get like this over paint (feeling like you deserve empathy) what else are you expecting from him (that he doesn't seem to be able to give)?

    Now, there are some guys out there who will do the "poor you" and all that, but your bf doesn't seem to be like this. You blowing up at him wont change this.

    It does seem you've very different expectations of how a bf should communicate. If you feel you need a more empathetic bf, then it doesn't sound like this is that guy.


  • #41
    dove2011
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 338 ✭✭dove2011


    I have taken on board all your response. I had my first CBT session yesterday and have committed to 10 sessions. I am highly emotional I sweat the small stuff! and everything goes out of sink. Yes I over racted about stupid paint- it is rectified now.
    We did speak on sunday and are now in minimal contact... I am given him space to see if we can make it work.


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