will I send it or not?

dove2011

Hi...

right myself and boyfriend are having a silly disagreement; he is once more not talking to me...we are very fragile and I actually think he might be done with this relationship.

He hates his job; he is currently looking to change jobs etc but anyway that a different story for another day.

Usually I make the first move to talk etc but I had made the decision not to contact him; he knows I am hurt but it is not bothering him.

i was looking on indeed and noted a job very suited to him. He doesnt look on this site. Jobs seems promising and I am quite friendly with the manager; spoke today to the GM and he said get him to send in his CV- should I let him know about the job??

SarahMollie

Do you want to salvage the relationship? If fighting over silly things has escalated to this point, it sounds like you're a bit on the rocks.

If you think the relationship is worth it, you should be the bigger person and end this period of no contact. Its childish and corrosive to whatever is left of your relationship.

You can send the job if you wish but don't push it - objectively its a nice thing to do. Maybe don't involve yourself any further in the process - let him apply if he wishes, but its his decision if he wants to go for it or not. If he's over your relationship, he may not want to take favours from you.

Tigger99

It's not just about sending a job ad on tho, is it? You've already spoke to the manager without asking your boyfriend if it'd be ok. I'd be mightily pissed off if someone did this behind my back, especially someone I was arguing with ar the time.

Also looking on a job website that he won't look at snacks of acting like his mammy. Surely he can make up his own mind what he does about his job hunt.

Sunny Dayz

I would message him and just say something along the lines of:
"I was chatting Mr X today who's a manager in ABC co, he mentioned that they were looking for staff and I said I might know someone who would be suitable for it. This is the link to the job on the website. Best of luck if you decide to go for it."


Ball's in his court then in both regards; job and relationship.

dove2011

As tigger said think it sends out a message that I am intervening especially since I did purposely ring my friend about the role and told the manager it was for him...

Tigger99

Also if any of the arguments are about you intervening on his behalf or doing too much for him then sending this ad would confirm that.

intheclouds

No, no no!

Sorry, but it sounds very controllery. And a bit like emotional manipulation, an excuse to make him talk to you.

Just let him do his own job search.

dove2011

intheclouds wrote: »

No, no no!

Sorry, but it sounds very controllery. And a bit like emotional manipulation, an excuse to make him talk to you.

Just let him do his own job search.

Yes it is an excuse to get back in contact with him, he can't handle conflict & always runs away. I have rang him twice now but his not answering. The whole episode is childish but he is highly stubborn.

batmanrobin

dove2011 wrote: »

Yes it is an excuse to get back in contact with him, he can't handle conflict & always runs away. I have rang him twice now but his not answering. The whole episode is childish but he is highly stubborn.

Long term, this habit he has of running away will not work for any relationship! How can you ever resolve any issues when the other party chooses to go silent and ignore you? It's just not feasible. I'd be reassessing whether he is a suitable life partner. Don't you deserve someone who is willing to fight for the relationship too? Someone who will engage in proper dialogue to fix whatever issues might crop up? Believe me, there will be plenty of rocky patches throughout life. You need someone who is going to be there with you.

CaraMay

dove2011 wrote: »

Yes it is an excuse to get back in contact with him, he can't handle conflict & always runs away. I have rang him twice now but his not answering. The whole episode is childish but he is highly stubborn.

But why are you consistently chasing him? Still chasing him after he won't answer your phone calls?!?!?

Op from the outside looking in, he's taking the smallest excuse to walk away and then you chase him til he comes back. I'm sorry but it sounds like he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do it. If you were my sister I would be telling you to get some self respect and stop chasing someone who is clearly less interested than you are

dove2011

CaraMay wrote: »

But why are you consistently chasing him? Still chasing him after he won't answer your phone calls?!?!?

Op from the outside looking in, he's taking the smallest excuse to walk away and then you chase him til he comes back. I'm sorry but it sounds like he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do it. If you were my sister I would be telling you to get some self respect and stop chasing someone who is clearly less interested than you are

Yes I know and I would be telling my friends the same thing. He could just inform me, delete me off Facebook, drop back my house key. .. message would be loud & clear!

CaraMay

dove2011 wrote: »

Yes I know and I would be telling my friends the same thing. He could just inform me, delete me off Facebook, drop back my house key. .. message would be loud & clear!

The message is clear so why can't you do that rather than chasing him about a job. Seriously op, I'm not sure what age you are but letting someone treat you like that is so self destructive

Take control rather than being so passive. Block him.

intheclouds

dove2011 wrote: »

Yes I know and I would be telling my friends the same thing. He could just inform me, delete me off Facebook, drop back my house key. .. message would be loud & clear!

Why is he in charge of closure?

It's never going to make for a healthy relationship if conflict resolution is a power struggle like this. He makes you grovel for his attention. It's disrespectful.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Blanking someone is not how you deal with issues. He doesn't "inform you" of anything because he wants you to grovel and look for excuses to contact him. And you do it.

You can only change your own behaviour.

racso1975

Send him the job. Why?

1) its the right thing to do

2) from personal experience being unhappy in a job is horrific. This can manifest itself in many ways like having stupid arguments in a relationship and not thinking rationally about resolving it as you need a win or such like

3) right thing to do

4) presumably you still care for him even as a friend you'd still want to do right. Sending the advert does not equate to you backing down just highlights your maturity that even during an argument you still look out for him

5) See 1 & 3

Dial Hard

dove2011 wrote:

Yes I know and I would be telling my friends the same thing. He could just inform me, delete me off Facebook, drop back my house key. .. message would be loud & clear!

Sorry, dove, but the message is loud and clear: you two are not compatible.

If you were genuinely over and conflicted about letting him know about the job because it would be a great opportunity for him, I'd have told you to bring it to his attention as being the decent thing to do.

But given your admission that a) you meddled and b) this is all just an opportunity to suck him back in, I'm going to be blunt: don't even think about it. You both sound incredibly immature and I think you're better off apart.

LegacyUser

we have no idea what the fight was about, but he is treating you like crap with not answering your calls and basically ghosting you, and I suspect you didn't go cheating on him or so anything drastic to deserve this treatment, so look at this rationally and stop rewarding him for such immature and uncaring treatment of you. Even though you are the hurt one as you said he doesn't care.
I know all about this kind of relationship, they almost welcome some kind of disagreement or anything that might upset you as a reason to not communicate, to fly off the handle and then disappear. And then you're always the one to try to talk or resolve things but get nowhere. I bet the argument was something that could have been resolved in a few minutes with listening on both parts. Has he ever been willing to sort things out? You can't be the only one bothered whether you two work or not. It's impossible. Because the next time you 'slip up' he'll be out the door. Don't wait for closure, don't send him the job, just leave things be. The only thing that worked for me was I consciously decided; you know what I do not care, I really don't care, thought of all the things I really wasn't attracted to about him, and just let go. I got excited and happy about everything else in my life. It's a trap you keep yourself in trying to please or chase someone, that's all it is. A trap in your mind. You'll look back after you've let go and think wtf, I let my sense of self worth and self esteem and worthiness to be in a relationship hang on whether he communicates with me or not! It's not even about him, it's about your self esteem. You're looking to him for affirmation, I'm not that bad am I? Why is running away? He's running because you're chasing. No matter how that's coming across, through insecurity, questioning him, vibes he's getting whatever, It's irrelevant. You've got to take back control and detach yourself from that toxicity, just let it go. Who cares if you don't hear from him. Really, and if and when he finally contacts you just tell him then you're disappointed in him, whatever, trust me he knows he is not doing the right thing by disappearing, but he's not mature enough to do anything else or admit that.

PressRun

Jaysis, the state of the pair of ye! He does the childish routine of going into a sulk and giving the silent treatment when things hit a rocky patch, and you start meddling and contriving plans to get him to start talking to you again under the guise of concern about his job. You don't sound compatible or even all that mature, either of you. Let him off to find his own job - he's a big boy now.

Lavinia

TBH Op, asking about job for him sounds like you need some excuse for yourself to contact him (and that AFTER you "decided not to contact him".

Why cannot you wait and see if he will contact you, or you are afraid that he would not?

And if (somewhere down you know) he would not, then why are you so clinging to that guy?

dove2011

Okay I have read all the messages...

I am not perfect; I can be childish but also very loving and fun. he is not perfect but we get on very well but communication is an issue. He can see when he is in a mood and tells me and I give him space but when I am in a mood I dont see it....He is currently dealing with 2 people sick in his family so that is playing on his mind and on occasion shuts down.

The fight was mainly because we had made plans to go hiking, obviously the weather was unsuitable Sunday to go so I was looking for alternative things to do with him but he just wanted to watch sport...GAA, Man U and the masters...

I came home from my day visiting- I had landed into a mistake I made in the decorating of my house (this is the 5th time I have picked the incorrect paint) we were speaking on the phone, I got upset about it to him, he changed the subject and said I will leave you be your in a bit of a mood. I asked for some empathy and he turned around and then he brought up how his family were sick and hung up... I apologized over text and he said he was rapidly getting sick of me...

This is just two of us blow in up; I would have thought he would have cooled down by now. We have made plans to move in together and build a future....

Communication and possibly compatibility is a big issue for us- I might be immature but that is me. His stonewalling is loud and clear. He expects me to do the apolozing but I can't this time.

SarahMollie

OP, I know in my relationship, when we fight, my BF and I typically both end up apologizing to each other, regardless of whose actual fault it is. This is because we love each other and just want things to be good again. We've thankfully not often argued about anything serious, just maybe being snappy/frayed tempers due to work stress etc and then silly argument insures.

I do think it sounds a bit petty to be moaning about paint (which you've said you picked yourself) if he's got bigger things on his mind. Are you sure this is the issue you want to dig your heals in on?

But the following phrase alarms me (and I'm assuming its a quote since its so specific). If my BF told me that he was "rapidly getting sick of me", I really don't know if I'd be wanting a future with him or thinking that he wanted a future with me after that.

Thats just not something you say to someone you're really planning a life with. Are you sure it wasnt all talk?

Tigger99

Oh god OP you were looking for empathy about picking the wrong paint, for the fifth time? That sounds very tiring and dramatic for him, nevermind with sick family members.

Maybe this isn't the right relationship for either of you?

dove2011

Tigger99 wrote: »

Oh god OP you were looking for empathy about picking the wrong paint, for the fifth time? That sounds very tiring and dramatic for him, nevermind with sick family members.

Maybe this isn't the right relationship for either of you?

Maybe not! I have booked myself in for some CBT as I do stress the small stuff....

batmanrobin

dove2011 wrote: »

Maybe not! I have booked myself in for some CBT as I do stress the small stuff....

Are you two together long, OP?

It's not just enough for you to work on yourself, he needs to sort out that going silent bullsh*t. Regardless of what is going on in his life, you two need to sit down and talk things out properly.

If a boyfriend of mine ever told me he was rapidly getting sick of me, I'd be rapidly showing him the door. Especially where he doesn't have the maturity to discuss issues properly! Who needs that kind of a brain melt!

dove2011

batmanrobin wrote: »

Are you two together long, OP?

It's not just enough for you to work on yourself, he needs to sort out that going silent bullsh*t. Regardless of what is going on in his life, you two need to sit down and talk things out properly.

If a boyfriend of mine ever told me he was rapidly getting sick of me, I'd be rapidly showing him the door. Especially where he doesn't have the maturity to discuss issues properly! Who needs that kind of a brain melt!

We just over 12 months together- we had a bust up at Xmas and got back together. Few weeks ago he did say that he would like to go talk to someone but he has a tendency to put things on the long finger. I dont know will he sit down and talk to me...if his not answering my phone calls (which I have not contacted him since tuesday)

KikiDee

dove2011 wrote: »

he said he was rapidly getting sick of me..

This could be taking out of context. Does he mean he's getting sick of being with you or sick of you stressing the small things while he's got stuff going on at home with his family?

Obviously, this is not a very nice statement to make at all and if a bf said it to me, I'd be questioning his feelings towards the relationship but before you do that, find out how he meant it.

The whole running away thing and not talking is not a foundation for a ltr. Lack of communication is pretty much what ended my last relationship.

batmanrobin

dove2011 wrote: »

We just over 12 months together- we had a bust up at Xmas and got back together. Few weeks ago he did say that he would like to go talk to someone but he has a tendency to put things on the long finger. I dont know will he sit down and talk to me...if his not answering my phone calls (which I have not contacted him since tuesday)

Would you consider pulling the plug? It just doesn't sound like a great relationship for either of you. It's not a great sign that you've already broken up once and you're only a year going out together. That, coupled with his refusal to talk, doesn't spell long term happiness to me.

Maybe use this time to think about what YOU want as opposed to focussing on him. Are you really happy with the relationship? Are you okay with the way he treats you/speaks to you/ignores you?

I appreciate that you love him, but love on its own is never enough.

.. why do you want to be with him?

Also no. I would be mightily annoyed if I found out that someone put in a CV behind my back. It takes complete control of my own life and puts it into someone else's hands. Tell him about it before you do anything.

retro:electro

If he is so petty as to get thick over paint; God knows what his reaction will be if you hand his CV over to someone without his knowledge. Leave it be op, I know you mean well, but this relationship sounds like it's over.

amdublin

OP, it doesn't sound all very nice does it?

Do you think you'd get more happiness being on your own or with someone else?

Do you want to be happy and in a nice relationship without all this immature posturing and stonewalling? Is your boyfriend ever going to change?

CaraMay

You're only with him a year op. It should be the honeymoon period. This is toxic

eviltwin

It's the type of behaviour you would expect from a young teenager. You seem to be bringing out the worst in each other. You stress about minor things, he responds by going off the grid - how do you make that work long term, how do you deal with the big issues if you can't handle the small stuff. I have to agree with everyone else here, this relationship is toxic. You can't have an equal footing if you are the one constantly the one backing down. Passive aggressiveness is abusive in its own way. He sounds like a big man child who isn't mature enough to cope with an adult relationship. I'd end it, forget about the job and get that cbt sorted.

intheclouds

amdublin wrote: »

Do you want to be happy and in a nice relationship without all this immature posturing and stonewalling? Is your boyfriend ever going to change?

^^ This.

The stonewalling.

The was a thread here recently where a woman with children finally had enough and asked her partner to leave and he stone walled her. So she was stuck with him still there in silence refusing to acknowledge that she wanted to end things.

Really it's the worst way someone can behave IMO. If they can emotionally shut out their closest loved one, it really speaks volumes.

Cleveland Hot Pocket

Tigger99 wrote: »

It's not just about sending a job ad on tho, is it? You've already spoke to the manager without asking your boyfriend if it'd be ok. I'd be mightily pissed off if someone did this behind my back, especially someone I was arguing with ar the time.

Also looking on a job website that he won't look at snacks of acting like his mammy. Surely he can make up his own mind what he does about his job hunt.

Just shows how the same action can be viewed completely differently.
If someone found me a job when I was looking, and put in a good word for me, I'd be delighted. Especially if I was arguing with the person at the time.

LegacyUser

Yeah kinda second the above... you say ye get on well... no relationship is perfect... couples do a lot worse... i think you just need objective counselling to show ye techniques on how to resolve minor issues like these... no point giving up a 12 month relationship & regretting it down the road... especially when sometimes a third party holds a mirror upto our behaviour which sometimes is hard to see otherwise...

Big Bag of Chips

dove2011 wrote: »

- I had landed into a mistake I made in the decorating of my house (this is the 5th time I have picked the incorrect paint) we were speaking on the phone, I got upset about it to him, he changed the subject and said I will leave you be your in a bit of a mood. I asked for some empathy and he turned around and then he brought up how his family were sick and hung up... I apologized over text and he said he was rapidly getting sick of me..

Honestly, OP, this is ridiculous. You pick the wrong paint for the fifth time and then you ask for empathy? Honestly if you were my partner I'd be telling you to cop the f**k on!! I might say it in a jokey way, laughing at you for being such an idiot, again, but I certainly would not be offering you tea and sympathy!!

It's very difficult to get the context of a whole relationship across in a few posts, but from this post alone I think your relationship must be very draining. I can see why your boyfriend is tiring of it. His way of dealing with things isn't ideal, but then some people aren't great at talking things through. Some couples won't feel the need to have a post mortem over every row. They will just accept that sometimes bickering happens and give each other space to get over it and then move on once things calm down, without the big talk. Sometimes it is necessary to talk through a problem or argument, but not always.

If you are the type to want to talk through every tiny argument and your boyfriend isn't, then I can see why he'd clam up and back away. Not very mature, but nobody is perfect. Neither of you are necessarily wrong. You're both just different. You need to figure out if you're too different to stay in a relationship, or if you can both accept each other's 'quirks'.

Edit: As for your original question, send it or don't. I think in the long term it won't make much difference to you as a couple whether you do or don't. I'd probably send it. You originally wanted to do it as an icebreaker. Sometimes that's what couples do with each other rather than having the big talk. And sometimes it's usually always the same person who's breaking the ice. Again, that's just something you need to decide if you're ok with or not.

batmanrobin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Honestly, OP, this is ridiculous. You pick the wrong paint for the fifth time and then you ask for empathy? Honestly if you were my partner I'd be telling you to cop the f**k on!! I might say it in a jokey way, laughing at you for being such an idiot, again, but I certainly would not be offering you tea and sympathy!!

It's very difficult to get the context of a whole relationship across in a few posts, but from this post alone I think your relationship must be very draining. I can see why your boyfriend is tiring of it. His way of dealing with things isn't ideal, but then some people aren't great at talking things through. Some couples won't feel the need to have a post mortem over every row. They will just accept that sometimes bickering happens and give each other space to get over it and then move on once things calm down, without the big talk. Sometimes it is necessary to talk through a problem or argument, but not always.

If you are the type to want to talk through every tiny argument and your boyfriend isn't, then I can see why he'd clam up and back away. Not very mature, but nobody is perfect. Neither of you are necessarily wrong. You're both just different. You need to figure out if you're too different to stay in a relationship, or if you can both accept each other's 'quirks'.

Edit: As for your original question, send it or don't. I think in the long term it won't make much difference to you as a couple whether you do or don't. I'd probably send it. You originally wanted to do it as an icebreaker. Sometimes that's what couples do with each other rather than having the big talk. And sometimes it's usually always the same person who's breaking the ice. Again, that's just something you need to decide if you're ok with or not.

Saying his behaviour isn't ideal is a bit of an understatement. It's incredibly juvenile! Teenagers sulk and do the cold shoulder. Adults talk it out. I knew a guy like the OP's bf. It is massively frustrating to try and talk to a guy who is refusing to engage, not to mention incredibly hurtful. It completely shifts the balance of power totally to his side as you find yourself being the one apologising and trying to make amends even when it's their bad behaviour that might have caused the initial problem.

You cannot have an adult relationship with a man whose response is to ignore you and any problems.

Big Bag of Chips

batmanrobin wrote: »

You cannot have an adult relationship with a man whose response is to ignore you and any problems.

And that is why the OP is free to walk away from the relationship if she can't handle it. Everybody makes their own choices.

Your bf is the way he is, OP. Us all sitting at our keyboards telling you what he should/shouldn't be doing in a relationship is absolutely pointless. It's not going to make him behave differently. If you are in a relationship with someone where you feel there is an imbalance of power and you are the one who always has to apologise etc, then you have choices. You accept that for what it is. Or you don't accept it and move on.

batmanrobin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And that is why the OP is free to walk away from the relationship if she can't handle it. Everybody makes their own choices.

Your bf is the way he is, OP. Us all sitting at our keyboards telling you what he should/shouldn't be doing in a relationship is absolutely pointless. It's not going to make him behave differently. If you are in a relationship with someone where you feel there is an imbalance of power and you are the one who always has to apologise etc, then you have choices. You accept that for what it is. Or you don't accept it and move on.

I'd agree with you. "Men" who behave like that aren't worth the time or energy. Too much like engaging with a child and they tend not to change.

As for letting him know about the job, I'd do so, OP, but you have bigger issues in this relationship that would need to be addressed.

HiGlo

dove2011 wrote: »

This is just two of us blow in up; I would have thought he would have cooled down by now. We have made plans to move in together and build a future....

Communication and possibly compatibility is a big issue for us- I might be immature but that is me. His stonewalling is loud and clear. He expects me to do the apolozing but I can't this time.

This bit stood out for me. Surely these are cornerstones of a relationship...?
It sounds like perhaps you're both not in a great place at the moment and are struggling to work through things together.

I can see how the behaviour is bad on both sides, you pushing for sympathy/empathy over paint (or aka showing no awareness for the context your moaning in) and him ignoring you and refusing to communicate.

If you guys do plan/want to move forward then I'm not sure how that can happen without changes from both sides.

Re the job, I personally would tell the guy that you've seen a job he might be interested in, send him a link and leave it at that.

dellas1979

I don't understand why you feel you need empathy from him (or anyone) over buying the wrong paint?

Can you explain this? Or your version of what empathy means? Or what you expect from other people in (non-important) situations like this?

(am female) and even that would do MY head in. But that is just me.

Like, if you get like this over paint (feeling like you deserve empathy) what else are you expecting from him (that he doesn't seem to be able to give)?

Now, there are some guys out there who will do the "poor you" and all that, but your bf doesn't seem to be like this. You blowing up at him wont change this.

It does seem you've very different expectations of how a bf should communicate. If you feel you need a more empathetic bf, then it doesn't sound like this is that guy.

dove2011

I have taken on board all your response. I had my first CBT session yesterday and have committed to 10 sessions. I am highly emotional I sweat the small stuff! and everything goes out of sink. Yes I over racted about stupid paint- it is rectified now.
We did speak on sunday and are now in minimal contact... I am given him space to see if we can make it work.