33 years old and losing my sex drive.

LegacyUser · 09-04-2016 09:45AM #1

So a bit of back ground
33 years old this year
Male
Lost the big V lateish in life, I was 23 (This bugged me at the time as all my friends had been having loads of sex with lots of different women from the ages of 17/18)
I've only ever slept with 3 Women
1st was at 23, was casual, turned out she had a boyfriend for years, so I stopped with her after I found out (6 months)
2nd was at 24, was a Girlfriend, never really had much sex with her, she was never "in the mood".
3rd was at 25 and I'm still with her today and we have a son, whom I love SO much!

I've noticed though in the 3 or 4 years my desire to have sex is taking a dive.
It's rare that I'm in the mood, and when I am in the mood, I don't perform as well as I used to.

We used to have sex maybe 3 times a week at the height of it.
In the last couple of years that went down to once a week.
Now it's once every two weeks if we are lucky, and I know it's down to me I've no interest in having sex or warming her up. (I'm getting away with it at the moment as she's tired a lot of the time from looking after our son.)
In fact I don't think I've interest in any women anymore.
Given my low experience level, I think I may have become comfortable with not having sex in my early 20's and I'm reverting back to that.

Kind of worried about it to be honest. I love my GF very much and want to make her happy. But I've just no desire at all.
I thought it might be the fact that we had a baby, but when I think about it, this has been going on sice before he was concieved

Been to a doctor and he said at my age it's all in my head (I think he's right too)
Just unsure on what to do.

afterglow · 09-04-2016 05:41PM

<SNIP - NO NEED TO QUOTE OP>

Hi OP

I would absolutely recommend seeing a sex therapist to help you figure out reasons for your lack of libido and also how to get it back. I don't know whether aloud to post links or not so i won't but if the mods say it's ok can do. I know of a fab therapist and he helped me a lot when i was going through something many years ago.
Hope you can get it sorted OP, and as i say, a sex therapist is definitely the way to go

eviltwin · 09-04-2016 05:43PM

Might also be worth a gp visit to see if it's a testosterone issue

Alf Veedersane · 09-04-2016 05:46PM

How is your sleep, OP?

nikkibikki · 09-04-2016 05:58PM

30somethingWithNoDesire wrote:

Been to a doctor and he said at my age it's all in my head (I think he's right too) Just unsure on what to do.

Did he do any blood tests to check testosterone levels and thyroid function? Did he suggest anything further? If answer is no to either or both of those, go back or go to a different one and get looked after properly.

magneticimpulse · 09-04-2016 09:40PM

Once in two weeks is still quite a lot and you have a kid. At 35 im lucky to have sex once in two years or sometimes 3 years and I'm very attractive woman. You might just think everyone is having lots of sex.

Wesser · 09-04-2016 11:03PM

Thanks for your post OP

What is your job? Are you stressed at work? Or any other sources of stress? Alcohol intake? Medications?

How is your relationship otherwise?

nikkibikki · 10-04-2016 08:20AM

magneticimpulse wrote:

Once in two weeks is still quite a lot and you have a kid. At 35 im lucky to have sex once in two years or sometimes 3 years and I'm very attractive woman. You might just think everyone is having lots of sex.

I've 3 kids and am 35. A week is a drought for us and going that long would be rare. The OP is correct to seek advice on this.

OP, another thing. Maybe you and your partner need to re-connect with one another. When kids come along, it's easy to get caught up in rearing them and sometimes the couple's relationship gets left aside. You need to remember to make time for the relationship and remember that doing so isn't selfish but it is the best thing for your child to have his parents happy.

Def go back to the doctor, rule out anything physical. See a sex therapist if you can. And re-connect with your partner.

magneticimpulse · 10-04-2016 10:49AM

nikkibikki wrote: »

I've 3 kids and am 35. A week is a drought for us and going that long would be rare. The OP is correct to seek advice on this.

OP, another thing. Maybe you and your partner need to re-connect with one another. When kids come along, it's easy to get caught up in rearing them and sometimes the couple's relationship gets left aside. You need to remember to make time for the relationship and remember that doing so isn't selfish but it is the best thing for your child to have his parents happy.

Def go back to the doctor, rule out anything physical. See a sex therapist if you can. And re-connect with your partner.

Amount of sex is whatever people are happy with. If the op is only in the mood once in 2 weeks and is happy that's good. If someone wants to have sex 20 times a day - good for them. People should do whatever is comfortable for them. Just because someone enjoys it everyday doesn't mean someone who has it less frequent has something "wrong" with them. They could be getting more things out of a loving relationship and life. It's not the be all and end all about how good or bad a relationship is! If people are happy and in love that's more important

bee06 · 10-04-2016 10:52AM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Amount of sex is whatever people are happy with. If the op is only in the mood once in 2 weeks and is happy that's good. If someone wants to have sex 20 times a day - good for them. People should do whatever is comfortable for them. Just because someone enjoys it everyday doesn't mean someone who has it less frequent has something "wrong" with them. They could be getting more things out of a loving relationship and life. It's not the be all and end all about how good or bad a relationship is! If people are happy and in love that's more important

If the OP was always like that then it would be fine but he's said that his sex drive has decreased in the last few years and he's rarely in the mood. That would suggest to me something is wrong or has changed. Better to get it checked out now before it becomes a bigger issue down the line.

magneticimpulse · 10-04-2016 11:08AM

There's lots of things people used to do that over time slacks off - gym, exercise, drinking. Doing the same thing over and over week in and week out is going to become boring or a chore. Sex is no different. I'm sure there are times in people's lives where they enjoy doing something daily they just can't be bothered for a while or couple of months. It just makes it enjoyable when they are in the mood again! It shouldn't be something that is forced because they think they've to reach a quota!

nikkibikki · 10-04-2016 11:54AM

magneticimpulse wrote:

Amount of sex is whatever people are happy with. If the op is only in the mood once in 2 weeks and is happy that's good. If someone wants to have sex 20 times a day - good for them. People should do whatever is comfortable for them. Just because someone enjoys it everyday doesn't mean someone who has it less frequent has something "wrong" with them. They could be getting more things out of a loving relationship and life. It's not the be all and end all about how good or bad a relationship is! If people are happy and in love that's more important

But he's not happy about it. That's why he went to his doctor and why he's here looking for advice.

magneticimpulse wrote:

There's lots of things people used to do that over time slacks off - gym, exercise, drinking. Doing the same thing over and over week in and week out is going to become boring or a chore. Sex is no different. I'm sure there are times in people's lives where they enjoy doing something daily they just can't be bothered for a while or couple of months. It just makes it enjoyable when they are in the mood again! It shouldn't be something that is forced because they think they've to reach a quota!

But this is not what the OP has reported at all. IMO and IME, it is a very important part of an intimate relationship. It shouldn't be viewed as a chore. Of course things happen in people's lives where there might be a dry spell. That's normal life. Nobody suggested forcing it in order to reach a quota. It's very important that he gets checked out to ensure all is OK physically and emotionally.

LegacyUser · 10-04-2016 01:00PM

Hey

OP here
In relation to some questions:

Been to a Doctor, a couple of months back and got bloods done (Nothing came back)
Also was at a clinic when we were trying to to concieve for sperm analisys (Results of that were V good)
So physically I'm fine.

In relation to other stuff
Sleeping ok
Not stressed in work
Not on any medication and dont drink much

Last comment seems like my situation
Sex feels like a chore.

I dunno, I still think it's in my head.
Thanks for all the replies though

OP.

nikkibikki · 10-04-2016 05:25PM

Glad to hear all fine physically OP.

You say it feels like a chore. Do you want it to continue like this? Have you spoken to your partner about all this? If it were my husband, I'd want him to confide in me and we could work things out together. Keep the lines of communication open.

beks101 · 10-04-2016 05:37PM

Are you still attracted to your partner?

Sometimes when a woman has had a baby, her role as a mother can take over to the point where it affects how the man in her life sees her too. She's a "mum" in his eyes too and the sexual dynamic all but disappears.

StanleyOllie · 12-04-2016 09:07AM

Could it be that you dont "fancy" your wife anymore. You might still really love her but has that love changed. A sexual relationship needs to be worked at... if you let is slip you can move into friendship mode with your partner

Lavinia · 12-04-2016 11:31AM

Hi OP,
To me your "symptoms" sound like signs of depression. The thing is that you have experienced this long before you met your wife, and that you are "struggling" with that almost all of your life. Perhaps on the surface everything looks "OK", but somewhere deep down I presume you feel it is not, and it is cutting your sex drive also.
Would you be willing to explore this? E.g. talk with your GP about it first, and go from there. Perhaps a therapy would be helping.

33 years old and losing my sex drive.

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