Feel like there is no one left for me

LegacyUser · 24-03-2016 01:51PM #1

Long story short, broke up with my ex last year (reconciled once during Christmas) I honestly thought he was the one (if there is such a thing) I had/have never felt anything like that for anyone I've ever been with. Turns out he cheated. We have not been in contact for about 4 months now.
Fast forward to now,met a guy out. We seemed to click. He was a bit cheeky but seemed nice. Turns out he actually has a family...while nothing actually happened with us,I felt very let down.

I'm coming to the realisation that there is no one left for me. I try to get out as much as possible but never seem to find anyone that wants anything beyond a friends with benefits situation.
I'm 30 and would love to find a man that I enjoy being with and in return he would like spending time with me. Without blowing smoke up my own ass, I'm a very down to earth girl,attractive and always give guys a chance. I'm not a person who has an unrealistic view of what a man should be. All my exes are completely different.

I feel so alone. I see people I went to school with having kids and getting married. Is there anything I can do? I feel like I've failed at a major part of life.

Thanks for reading

Dughorm · 25-03-2016 12:19AM

starrynight wrote: »

I feel so alone. I see people I went to school with having kids and getting married. Is there anything I can do? I feel like I've failed at a major part of life.

Thanks for reading

You feel alone and yet you're not alone in your situation! Loads of single people out there!

But do all these people feel like they've failed a major part of life?

Outside of the usual ways of meeting people, just keep being you!

You're able to spot the messers, avoid them and look for a man who likes you for your company (find out over a few walks, trips to the cafe etc...) and take it from there.

25-03-2016 12:27AM

OP, I'm ten years older than you. I have had many relationships throughout my life, up until 2 years ago.
Friends have had kids, got married, I have stayed in touch with most of them.
Life moves on, we can sit at home feeling sorry for ourselves OR we can just accept the way things are.
Just do other things, move on, get hobbies, volunteer for different organisations.
That's what I do, I'm so busy I haven't time anymore to feel sorry for myself!
I'm not saying, occasionally, I think it would be nice to have different things but tbf, I have a great life!
It's just a matter of finding other things for yourself. It really is.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2016 12:38AM

Thanks for replies. I'm not sitting in feeling sorry for myself though. ..I did say I go out and do things as much as possible. When I see my friends and family getting married,it just makes me feel stuck.

Don't get me wrong,there are things I enjoy about being single but I honestly do love spending my time with someone that I enjoy being with,that's just my personal preference. I never had this problem when I was younger because I felt I had loads of time. Now I'm just slightly freaking out at the possibility of being alone. To above poster I know their are many people that are in the same boat as me but I think they may be coping a little better than me

silverbolt · 25-03-2016 02:58PM

starrynight wrote: »

Long story short, broke up with my ex last year (reconciled once during Christmas) I honestly thought he was the one (if there is such a thing) I had/have never felt anything like that for anyone I've ever been with. Turns out he cheated. We have not been in contact for about 4 months now.
Fast forward to now,met a guy out. We seemed to click. He was a bit cheeky but seemed nice. Turns out he actually has a family...while nothing actually happened with us,I felt very let down.

I'm coming to the realisation that there is no one left for me. I try to get out as much as possible but never seem to find anyone that wants anything beyond a friends with benefits situation.
I'm 30 and would love to find a man that I enjoy being with and in return he would like spending time with me. Without blowing smoke up my own ass, I'm a very down to earth girl,attractive and always give guys a chance. I'm not a person who has an unrealistic view of what a man should be. All my exes are completely different.

I feel so alone. I see people I went to school with having kids and getting married. Is there anything I can do? I feel like I've failed at a major part of life.

Thanks for reading

There are people out there, you just havent found one yet. Dont be in such a rush, being single isnt that bad it just takes a bit of time to adjust to.

As for lonliness thats natural, human beings are social creatures so feeling alone is perfectly normal from time to time.

But when its consuming its not a sign you need a partner, its a sign you need to fix something within youself. Be happy with who you are.

starrynight wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I'm not sitting in feeling sorry for myself though. ..I did say I go out and do things as much as possible. When I see my friends and family getting married,it just makes me feel stuck.

Don't get me wrong,there are things I enjoy about being single but I honestly do love spending my time with someone that I enjoy being with,that's just my personal preference. I never had this problem when I was younger because I felt I had loads of time. Now I'm just slightly freaking out at the possibility of being alone. To above poster I know their are many people that are in the same boat as me but I think they may be coping a little better than me

Im 34 and single now about 8 months but i understand where your coming from. Two of my friends got married yesterday and I'm just Mmmmmmmm.

Your only 30, you have loads of time to do the relationship thing. Dont be in such a rush. There are guys out there who also want relationships and not just random hook ups (i refuse to accept im the only one), you just have to find them

SarahMollie · 29-03-2016 11:13AM

Yeah I wouldnt think that 30 is the end of the world. I'm the same age and my friendship group is a bit of a mix, some single, some dating, some living together and some getting married. Its just not the case that everyone has settled down by now and that no one is left for you.

The only thing I'd warn you about is letting your panic show. If your desire for a relationship is outwardly visible to prospective partners, it may be off putting and/or you might end up settling for someone who you're not mad about, just because you don't want to be single. Neither is good.

Give yourself a good talking to, be confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Don't settle and don't let yourself get drawn into thinking that being single is the worst possible thing.

If you're genuinely making the effort to get out there, it will click with someone eventually. You're really not been single that long.

KikiDee · 29-03-2016 12:53PM

Hey OP,

I'm almost 30 and I was with someone I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life and it didn't work out that way. I've had the whole panic about being single and thinking I want someone (I'm not for one second saying that you're panicking or anything, just giving some context to my situation). But then I realised, if I rush into a relationship, I may end up settling and being very unhappy down the line.

Learn to enjoy yourself as a singleton and the right person will come along no doubt. Think about it too much and your putting pressure on yourself and potential dates.

By the way, the 30's are the new 20's

LegacyUser · 29-03-2016 04:49PM

Hey op,

If its any consolation I'm a 31 year old guy and i feel in the exact same way as you. Last year, my ex cheated on me and ended a very long term relationship to be with another guy.

I was devastated and still am - like you I feel massively lonely at times. Have had a few short relationships with women since then, in my head i keep telling myself I want to be with someone quickly, but another part of me knows that some time alone is probably a good thing too. Don't rush into anything too quickly.

I guess all i can say to help is to try and do something new for yourself. Thats something that I've found to really help, do stuff that really makes you happy - kind of reinvent yourself. New hobbies are good, try and find something totally different for yourself that you may not have tried before, running group, tag rugby, hill walking. One small interaction with one person can change your whole life massively.

Im sure the right person will come along in time for us all.

beks101 · 29-03-2016 07:33PM

First of all, BREATHE.

You've been through a lot. Building a life with someone only for it to all go pear-shaped and to find yourself out in the cold alone with an uncertain future, is pretty devastating. I think the trauma of a break-up can contribute massively to this "OMG GOING TO BE A CAT LADY" and you tend to see the engagements and the marriages and the babies around you a lot more than you do the single people your age having fun and living fulfilling lives.

But they are out there and they are not "failures" for not having the luck and the chance that your coupled up mates had in meeting their partners. You don't "study" or "work" for that happenstance in the same way you do for a degree or a career - you just walk into a bar at the right time, or get drunk with the right work colleague, or meet the right Tinder match or whatever. It's not an achievement, you're not a 'winner' or 'loser'. It's luck, and timing.

You can do some things to increase the chances - and it sounds like you're already on the right path and being met with the usual dating-world results. No chemistry, guy wants something casual, guy is incompatible for whatever reason. That's dating. Been there and bought the t-shirt, I did it for most of my 20s. If you're going to put yourself out there, you really can't avoid them and have to take your love life with a pinch of salt, take a "wait and see" approach rather than a "IT HAS TO HAPPEN NOW OMG MY EGGS ARE DYING" - trust me, that will only increase the risk exponentially of meeting the players and the time wasters. When you have the blinkers on, your judgement goes entirely askew and you put up with all sorts of crap that you otherwise wouldn't.

Forget your married and babied mates and take ownership of your life. This is you, now, 30 and single. This is your life to live; what anyone else is doing is entirely irrelevant. Keep putting yourself out there. Cut out the ones that just want a quick shag. Smile at cute guys on the street. Write up a decent online dating profile, be positive and upbeat and state very clearly what you're looking for. Go to everything you're invited to. Tell your mates you'd love to meet someone and ask them to connect you with any nice single blokes they know.
Find a passion outside of work and become really, really good at it. Take a night class.

Throughout my single years, I found when I was content and comfortable within myself, was the time when I was more likely to have a smile on my face and invite strangers into my life. And in turn, those were the days when I got most male attention.

lelo100 · 29-03-2016 08:25PM

Hi there. I'm 34 and I understand how u feel. Anyway I was single at 30 after a bad break up. Broke up with a guy I couldn't trust.And I remember freaking out too. I ended up meeting someone three months after turning 30 and we had a baby and got married very quickly. We were happy for a time but unfortunately he passed away. A friend of mine never had a boyfriend she was really freaking out and she met someone when she was 33 and she getting married this summer she's just turned 36. They are blissfully happy and he is a really lovely guy. My other friend got married at 23. I always thought they had the perfect marriage. They've just split up as apparently they've not been happy for the last few years. Getting married younger is not always the best. Meeting someone in your 30s is perfect. You both know what you want and you are less likely to put up with crap. Hold out for a guy who treats you very well, is kind and decent. No point in being with just anyone. Looks aren't the most important watch how he treats u and communicTes with u. Enjoy your single time. If u meet someone at 32, get married at 34. Wouldn't that be perfect. You're still so young. I'm back in the dating game and I think because I'm so content in my life I'm very attractive to guys at the minute. If I do get someone again he will have to treat me very well. If not I'm not bothered lol. Best of luck xxx

lelo100 · 29-03-2016 08:26PM

Ps follow even Marc Katz on Facebook he give great relationship advice. Might help you not to make the same mistakes as last time X

29-03-2016 11:42PM

KikiDee wrote: »

By the way, the 30's are the new 20's

Er, I think you will find 40' s are the new 20' s!!!!!

KikiDee · 30-03-2016 07:05AM

bubblypop wrote: »

Er, I think you will find 40' s are the new 20' s!!!!!

So that must mean at 29 I'm heading for my teens???? I'll take that!!!!

ellie1 · 30-03-2016 09:21AM

I've often felt like this in the past. I took all the advice. Joined new things, completed my masters, joined the gym, took care of myself, went to anything I was invited to, tried online dating, worked more, read more, talked more to people , went to festivals, gigs , holidays and so on... And I have been having a ball and you definitely meet more men and inevitable you become more attractive the busier you are.

However, I found that when you change your thinking on this issue it makes the most difference. I started thinking. What if there is no one ever for me, what if I never meet a man I fall in love with or want to marry.... I began to accept that yes in fact that might never happen and so what... I might get a bit lonely sometimes or miss having somebody special but so what... Since I've accepted that ok it may never happen, life is even more fulfilling... I have great relationships with family and friends.. I make plans for me... It's quite powerful really. I am not waiting around to live life on the off chance that maybe I'll meet someone. I enjoy nights out because I don't care if I meet someone , I just love having the Craic and the banter with my friends!!!;)

silverharp · 30-03-2016 09:36AM

lelo100 wrote: »

Hi there. I'm 34 and I understand how u feel. Anyway I was single at 30 after a bad break up. Broke up with a guy I couldn't trust.And I remember freaking out too. I ended up meeting someone three months after turning 30 and we had a baby and got married very quickly. We were happy for a time but unfortunately he passed away. A friend of mine never had a boyfriend she was really freaking out and she met someone when she was 33 and she getting married this summer she's just turned 36. They are blissfully happy and he is a really lovely guy. My other friend got married at 23. I always thought they had the perfect marriage. They've just split up as apparently they've not been happy for the last few years. Getting married younger is not always the best. Meeting someone in your 30s is perfect. You both know what you want and you are less likely to put up with crap. Hold out for a guy who treats you very well, is kind and decent. No point in being with just anyone. Looks aren't the most important watch how he treats u and communicTes with u. Enjoy your single time. If u meet someone at 32, get married at 34. Wouldn't that be perfect. You're still so young. I'm back in the dating game and I think because I'm so content in my life I'm very attractive to guys at the minute. If I do get someone again he will have to treat me very well. If not I'm not bothered lol. Best of luck xxx

I would disagree with part of your post in terms of giving out general advice. I must say getting married at 23 is young but stating that meeting someone in your 30's is perfect is bad advice to give out to younger people. By 30 most of the "white picket fence " inclined men and women are already together, so your pool to choose from will be much smaller. Also as a general point I'd say its easier to build a life together instead of 2 people coming together that have built their own lives. There are of course plenty of exceptions and no reason to be defeatist about it.

blacklilly · 30-03-2016 12:57PM

OP I am approaching the big 30 and have been single for 5 years.

Over the past 5 years I've achieved a lot in terms of my career and personal life but I've just been unlucky in finding a man that I click with. I've dated lots, put myself out there, I'm social, confident, attractive and as everyone else tells me, they don't know how I'm single.

But finding someone is not done by clicking your fingers. Some are lucky in that they happen to meet someone they click with, others settle (and believe me soooo many of them do) and some like me, just haven't met the person I'm meant to be with yet.

There are times I get down about being single, I know I've so much to offer and would love to be in love and have someone love me but I'm determined to enjoy my single time, better myself in anyway I can, do things that I possibly couldn't do if I had children/other responsibilities and be happy for all my friends who've been lucky to find their someone special.

Hopefully you can change the way you think about your situation. There's far too much pressure on people to be in relationships, although most of us want to be. It's difficult to hear people ask why you're single and pick you apart. Try to embrace this time because some day you might be knee height in dirty nappies with a husband who is looking for as much attention as the child whose nappy you're changing and you might just wish at that point that you could experience singledom for one more day!

LegacyUser · 30-03-2016 02:44PM

Thank you all for the advice. I just spent the last 10 minutes reading through all your replies and they do make me feel better.
I feel I have a good attitude towards men and don't act clingy or possessive at all. However, I am a slight walkover in certain situations and I'm easily led. I either fall hard for someone or not at all. I know these are all things I need to work on though.
My life has pretty much fallen apart in every way imaginable in the past year. I think this coupled with the fact I am now on my own has really knocked me. The only thing I can say I truly have going for me (apart from my friends and family support) is that I can honestly say I am a good person. It's a start right?

lelo100 · 30-03-2016 10:17PM

You are doing really well. Don't be so hard on yourself. Use this time to boost your self esteem as then you won't be as easily led in the future and you won't take any crap from men as you will know you deserve better. Check out girlcrew.rock I was listening about them on the radio this morning. Apparently they have a social group for women and organise nights out and stuff. They have a Facebook page too. Might be an option to get you out. There was a woman chatting about social singles too that's based in Wexford. Try to get out and mixing as much you can and meet new people. Try to have fun with this time being single.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2016 09:01PM

I will definitely check out girl crew. A lot of my friends have kids and are married so it leaves me in a weird place social wise. It definitely sounds like an option though! Thanks a million

Young_gunner · 02-04-2016 11:54AM

blacklilly wrote: »

OP I am approaching the big 30 and have been single for 5 years.

Over the past 5 years I've achieved a lot in terms of my career and personal life but I've just been unlucky in finding a man that I click with. I've dated lots, put myself out there, I'm social, confident, attractive and as everyone else tells me, they don't know how I'm single.

But finding someone is not done by clicking your fingers. Some are lucky in that they happen to meet someone they click with, others settle (and believe me soooo many of them do) and some like me, just haven't met the person I'm meant to be with yet.

There are times I get down about being single, I know I've so much to offer and would love to be in love and have someone love me but I'm determined to enjoy my single time, better myself in anyway I can, do things that I possibly couldn't do if I had children/other responsibilities and be happy for all my friends who've been lucky to find their someone special.

Hopefully you can change the way you think about your situation. There's far too much pressure on people to be in relationships, although most of us want to be. It's difficult to hear people ask why you're single and pick you apart. Try to embrace this time because some day you might be knee height in dirty nappies with a husband who is looking for as much attention as the child whose nappy you're changing and you might just wish at that point that you could experience singledom for one more day!

really lovely post! i'm a guy in mid-30s and i feel very like the OP......it can definitely get you down somedays when you see others settling down or your ex moving on!

but all you can do is keep doing your best, and enjoying life, stay positive and kind and good things will happen!

Daisy78 · 02-04-2016 12:33PM

silverharp wrote: »

Also as a general point I'd say its easier to build a life together instead of 2 people coming together that have built their own lives. There are of course plenty of exceptions and no reason to be defeatist about it.

Sorry but this is pure nonsense. If anything I'd say a situation where two people have their lives, fulfilled any life goals, made mistakes and learnt from them is a better place from which to settle down with someone and really commit to a relationship. But all in all there is no blueprint for this, some people meet in their early twenties and stick together, other people may not meet someone till their forties or fifties but have had a ball getting to that point. To suggest otherwise is defeatist!! OP I came out of a long term relationship at your age and I have been single for the last 7 years. I recently started dating somebody, where it will go I don't know. Prior to meeting him I spent a lot of time working on myself, meeting new people, some fabulous some not so fabulous, made friends, joined groups, took classes, learnt what I enjoyed, what I didn't enjoy, dropped out of things, read, travelled, travelled some more, went out, ate delicious food, got promoted, lost weight, went to festivals, etc, etc (you get my drift). I have friends who have gotten married and had kids and sometimes at the age of 37 I do have that fleeting feeling of having failed at life. But then I think of all that I have done in the last couple of years that I wouldn't have dreamt of doing in the years previous to that. The man will come in his own time, and that is something not you or any of us have control over. In the meantime use this as an opportunity to do and experience everything you have ever wanted to do. Believe me its a luxury and in years to come you will be glad you spent this time wisely rather wasting it on regret.

silverharp · 04-04-2016 11:34AM

Daisy78 wrote: »

Sorry but this is pure nonsense. If anything I'd say a situation where two people have their lives, fulfilled any life goals, made mistakes and learnt from them is a better place from which to settle down with someone and really commit to a relationship. But all in all there is no blueprint for this, some people meet in their early twenties and stick together, other people may not meet someone till their forties or fifties but have had a ball getting to that point. To suggest otherwise is defeatist!! OP I came out of a long term relationship at your age and I have been single for the last 7 years. I recently started dating somebody, where it will go I don't know. Prior to meeting him I spent a lot of time working on myself, meeting new people, some fabulous some not so fabulous, made friends, joined groups, took classes, learnt what I enjoyed, what I didn't enjoy, dropped out of things, read, travelled, travelled some more, went out, ate delicious food, got promoted, lost weight, went to festivals, etc, etc (you get my drift). I have friends who have gotten married and had kids and sometimes at the age of 37 I do have that fleeting feeling of having failed at life. But then I think of all that I have done in the last couple of years that I wouldn't have dreamt of doing in the years previous to that. The man will come in his own time, and that is something not you or any of us have control over. In the meantime use this as an opportunity to do and experience everything you have ever wanted to do. Believe me its a luxury and in years to come you will be glad you spent this time wisely rather wasting it on regret.

let me clarify , what Im saying is that if a couple get together say a year or 2 out of college there are going to be less barriers for them to have picked each other , its more down to what each likes about the other. If the same people met 10 years later, things like money could be a barrier. This is probably something that affects women more. to take an extreme example if a woman say is a doctor or studying medicine , she is not going to turn down a guy because he doesn't earn a 6 figure salary. roll the same individual on 10 years and now in her head someone who doesn't earn a 6 figure salary might not be good enough so she would now turn down the person who she might have had a great life with had they met earlier. However from the guy's perspective a 32 year old doctor doesn't make her anymore attractive a proposition, it might even be a turn off. So said woman has priced herself out of the market and might have to accept that they missed their window.
So like I said telling a young woman in particular to wait til their 30's is bad advice. There are more women going to college than men now so as far as the maths goes there is going to be a shortage of "good men".

blacklilly · 04-04-2016 12:15PM

silverharp wrote: »

So like I said telling a young woman in particular to wait til their 30's is bad advice. There are more women going to college than men now so as far as the maths goes there is going to be a shortage of "good men".

Well it's not bad advice, certainty doesn't apply to everyone but by no means bad advice.

I'd like to think that most women (and men) consider other factors ahead of earnings when looking for a potential partner.

lisasimpson · 10-04-2016 09:10AM

Im in the same both. Im single 33 live away from where i grew up so dont have family close by, v few friends up home, and friends i made where i lie have either moved away or have settled down..
some weekends i never leave the apartment expect to do a food shop

I need to push myself more to be more outgoing and make new friends

Feel like there is no one left for me

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