Row with in-laws

LegacyUser · 25-03-2016 05:45AM

I don't think they sound that bad really. (the parents in law)

Apart from this incident you seemed to have been getting along very well together with no real problems, like you mentioned how completely shocked you were about hearing their opinion so it doesn't seem like them rowing with you or insulting you was ever a regular occurrence before this.

If I'm reading it right your FIL didn't rage at your wife, he was rowing with his own wife who relayed the story to your wife, your wife then got upset and stressed about this and you got very angry and told her father that he had rage issues and to sort himself out. I know you said this because you were worried about the stress it was causing your oh as she was pregnant but 1. Neither of them knew your wife was pregnant as you hadn't told anybody and 2. the rowing was between the FIL and his own wife so maybe that's why he was annoyed when you made comment about his issues and told him he needed to sort himself out? Maybe he feels because you butted in on his behaviour and marriage he would butt in on your behaviour in your marriage too hence him sending you that text. (not saying he was right to do so)

Your wife is suffering from depression and this may be going on some time? You go away for a few days and your wife is at home with baby (again this is all fine). However your wife by your own admission was very upset and down about something else the time you were away so they see this upset in her and possibly have noticed her depression for some time now. They didn't know you were earning any money when away they just see their daughter alone with the baby for a few days and acting down and this is something they have maybe noticed about her mood before.

So maybe they put 2 and 2 together but got 5 thinking you have something to do with her bad moods, that maybe you are not pulling your weight or something and that this is what is making their daughter that they love unhappy. They seem to be reading the situation wrong but it would seem like it's a mistake they are making out of concern for their daughter rather than any real maliciousness. Maybe if your wife wishes, she could open up to her mum and explain what the doctor said and clarify that it is not you that is causing this problem she is dealing with and that if anything the parents getting the wrong end of stick is worsening things for her so to lay off because they've read things wrong.

Aside from this recent argument it sounds like you were getting on pretty well. You are so lucky to have free childcare and grandparents who seem to actually WANT to do so much to help you in your life together, from providing free childcare to giving you both a good deal on an affordable house to buy from them. They also don't want this row to continue and want to move on. I'm guessing they feel they've said their piece and now that it is off their chest they just want to get back to getting along again. They still seem completely unaware though that their interpretation of why their daughter is unhappy is wrong so maybe if that is explained to them, you really will get a proper apology and you can all hopefully move back to getting along again.

As annoying as it may be, your FIL's temper issues or rows between his wife or son are none of your business as long as they don't directly involve you. Like the time your wife got upset it was because of him rowing with her mother and not him raging at her right? Your wife will hopefully with help learn to distance herself from these types of stressful situations and put her own well being first, but that will need to come from her herself.

I think everything seems to have escalated very quickly here. You seem to have gone from being a pretty happy family with good enough relations with the inlaws to all of a sudden after one row you thinking that you should cancel buying the house ye were planning to, to stopping the grandparents babysitting, to thinking that they are now going to forever make insults or use stuff as a stick to beat you with, to worrying that they might turn your daughter against you when she is older even! Almost now forcing your wife to choose between her parents and your mutual earlier family plans re: childminding and housebuying and now your brand new wishes because you personally have gotten so offended and annoyed by what they said. I understand very hurtful things were said but after so much relatively good relations beforehand it just seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. I think with some very open conversation the air genuinely could be cleared here and you could all move on from this situation back to how you were previously. Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2016 06:07AM

elvis83 wrote: »

I've just downloaded it to the kindle. It's bang-on so far. My wife's not fit for reading yet but I'm going to get through it over the next few days. Thanks for the tip.

Ok, I can concede that they noticed something up and wanted to help. I still think they took that opportunity though to have a go at me. If they were genuinely wanting to help their daughter, surely they would talk to her? I know that's what I would do, I would try my best to provide a safe environment for my daughter to talk about anything that was troubling her, and avoid being judgemental. That being said, I do appreciate that I have the experience of going through depression and coming out the other side which gives you a bit of empathy and compassion.

However I don't agree with your opinion that they were questioning how we would manage child-care when I was away gigging for some extra cash. When this row blowed up initially, they didn't know I was getting paid when I was away. So I really don't think they followed the train of thought that you've laid out here.

And yes, you are correct, life is too short. The problem is, we've had this mentality for years. We've often rolled our eyes at the two of them, and kept out of things and just carried on about our business. But there comes a point when that kind of consistent behaviour blows up into something horrible - in this case my wife's depression. I've calmed down a bit since my "shotgun" rant, and I know I could now engage with them in a polite but firm way that neither of us want to see them, and let them deal with that whatever way they choose.

Again, thanks all for the advice.

OP, it's hugely unfair to blame your wifes' depression on your in-laws! (& maybe a bit convenient because it absolves you from any involvement or responsibility?)
Clearly they did try to speak with her, but she became upset.
Now, depression or not, you're all adults, & having the odd difficult conversation shouldn't escalate into this massive fued. Ye can't tip toe around each other 24/7, you're only human like the rest of us, with all our faults. There are going to be times where you fall out- that's life- that's family- that's healthy
Your child is going to encounter a lot more awkward& difficult people- in school, in the playground- as she grows up, surely it's healthier for her that she is equipped to deal with them& manage these situations in a practical& rational way. Not blaming for depression, taking time off school, removing them from her world. The way you deal with this & future encounters will teach her how to deal with similar situations

LegacyUser · 25-03-2016 06:22AM

elvis83 wrote: »

But even with all this, I think it would still be used as a stick against us, another reason to get involved and try and call the shots, judge us and dictate to us.

Sounds like a grumpy teenager ; )
Seriously OP, ye're adults, not helpless victims. Your in laws input can be as much or as little as you choose, & you can either take things on the chin or take things on, either way then just move on from it!!! Less of this brooding & nursing bruised egos.
One important thing to remember - a piece of advice I was given long ago- as husband& wife, ye get to sleep together to resolve arguments, so conflict resolution can be a bit easier for couples ; ) Your in laws will have to work harder

elvis83 · 25-03-2016 08:55AM

I've been thinking more about it, and thanks to alot of what people are saying here, I'm seeing maybe a different interpretation.

- Son-in-law goes away for weekend. Maybe MIL doesn't approve. Says nothing.
- Sees daughter is visibly upset. Reasonably comes to the conclusion that it's to do with me
- MIL at this point does not get involved.
- FIL sends spiteful, hurtful text. No idea if MIL knew, was aware.
- I confront them; things are said. MIL was put into that situation by me. Things said in anger.

Looking at this, I can't really blame the MIL. Wouldn't anyone want to protect their daughter - I seriously can't blame her for that. I think the FIL was also concerned, but definitely did see it as a reason to get back at me. But thinking about that situation with a fresh head; as someone mentioned, they didn't know that the daughter was pregnant at the time. They just seen me getting involved. Again, I can't argue with that. It's just a shame we couldn't have spoken like adults about all this instead of letting it come to a head.

And as someone else mentioned - blaming them for my wife's depression is utterly ridiculous and I should know better. I'm doing that out of my own anger at them, not out of anything else. And doing so will only upset my wife more, which is the last thing I want. And of course it's not all their fault. Me and my wife have had our ups-and-downs, and I can see how she might have internalised and magnified rows in her head to a state where it wasn't healthy.

Thanks so much everyone for the advice. I'm so glad I didn't just stick the big thick head in. The relationship was good before, but it was only good because we walked on egg-shells around the two of them. We can't maintain that, but hopefully with a bit of boundary setting and some talking as adults, we can move on.

melissak · 25-03-2016 07:30PM

Are you sure your wife has not confided in her mother some of your problems(God knows I do sometimes, I also have young kids and it can be exhausting, hormonal) or to another family member who relayed it and this has coloured their view of you? If it is just over the music then I think you need to take a big step back on how involved they are in your family business

LegacyUser · 25-03-2016 11:56PM

Thinking on this again, I think you & your FIL reacted hugely similarly to what you both saw as your wife/his daughter being hurt, or feeling down. Neither of you had the full picture, neither of you asked for more info, and both of you lashed out - you, at him, even though he didn't know his daughter was pregnant and his behaviour was causing extra stress; and him, even though he didn't know that you were away to earn money, but in his defence, he knew that his daughter was pregnant and sensitive. I think it's 50/50 between the pair of you tbh.

I think his overreaction is as understandable as your overreaction. And your overreaction was first, so he may have felt extra justified in lashing out, just like you did. Along with the physical & financial huge effort they're putting in, by providing you with free childcare and a property at a good price. They'd be equally as justified as you in saying that they don't want to be bad mouthed to their grandchild, in my opinion.

I feel that you need to dial back your reaction big time. And separate a bit from the in laws, it all sounds very claustrophobic. Get your kid into proper childcare, at least half of the time. And you need to have a very frank chat with your wife re how much she tells them about your life, and how you both think things will work (or not) if you were to live so close to them. Personally, I think that's a huge mistake.

The common factor in this is your wife. Is she saying everything to both 'sides' re what is upsetting her about the other 'side'? That would explain a lot re why you & your FIL are both up in arms tbh. Sounds like a bit of restraint in telling things, plus better communication is needed, ie she needs to talk to her parents about her issues with their (over)reactions- not run to you, who also overreact. I think you & your FIL are losing the rag with each other, based on what your wife says - but your wife isn't actually speaking to you both (separately) about what her issues with you both are. There's no future in that, it's just going to lead to constant conflict. Your wife has to deal with her issues with the person causing her upset - and not to relay it to your FIL/you, when either one of you upset her.

elvis83 · 26-03-2016 08:22PM

Forest Heights St wrote: »

Thinking on this again, I think you & your FIL reacted hugely similarly to what you both saw as your wife/his daughter being hurt, or feeling down. Neither of you had the full picture, neither of you asked for more info, and both of you lashed out - you, at him, even though he didn't know his daughter was pregnant and his behaviour was causing extra stress; and him, even though he didn't know that you were away to earn money, but in his defence, he knew that his daughter was pregnant and sensitive. I think it's 50/50 between the pair of you tbh.

I can't deny it - we did act very similarly. I think I admitted as much in an earlier post. The details are somewhat different; I went away for a weekend, what he did was...worse. Anyway, not getting into those details as it's irrelevant, and frankly what's done is done.

We (my wife and I) have come up with a solution. I've prepared something that I want to say to both of her parents. I've constructed it very carefully, avoiding argumentative or accusatory language. The gist is that I'm apologising for interfering in their relationship, and hope they know it's not in my nature to interfere or cause drama. I hope they can understand it was out of concern for their daughter.

I can concede then that what they done was equally out of concern for their daughter. I will ask for a full apology from them both however, as I think it's only fair (and I'm going to apologise for my similar behaviour). At that point, I'll ask if we can both respect each other's boundaries, and if they have concerns to talk to us in the future. If it's none of their business, they'll be told that and we'll expect them to accept that. The exact same goes for us with their business.

It's only at this stage that I will tell them about their daughter's depression. I'll be tactful about it, and thanks to my own experience will be able to talk to them with some authority about it. It's nobody's 'fault', no-one is to 'blame'. However, all three of us have to accept that sometimes our actions or words can cause stress for my wife, and we need to be mindful of that and support her through this.

I'll ask them to respect my wife's wishes to have a bit of a cooling-off period, she wants to talk to the psychiatric nurse and get some advice from him/her (which I think is wise).

Everything I'm putting into this, I'm getting my wife to vet, and make sure she's 100% happy with it. I'll be putting this to them in the next few days. If either of them get argumentative or defensive, I'll calmly tell them that I am not there to cause another row, and that I'll call back in a few days to try again once they've calmed down.

Finally, I'll iron out the child-minding situation and ask if either of them are annoyed or feel taking advantage of. I'll do it carefully, and explain that it was always the plan to put her into a creche for a few days of the week as she got older - surely they can understand that she needs to be around some toddlers her same age.

Wow, I'm so happy I started this thread and got so much advice from all of you. I really, really appreciate it. It brought me around from being completely hot-headed to hopefully being able to calmly and rationally bring the situation to as good a conclusion as we can hope for.

elvis83 · 26-03-2016 08:25PM

melissak wrote: »

Are you sure your wife has not confided in her mother some of your problems(God knows I do sometimes, I also have young kids and it can be exhausting, hormonal) or to another family member who relayed it and this has coloured their view of you? If it is just over the music then I think you need to take a big step back on how involved they are in your family business

I asked her about this, and she said it was only minor stuff that happens in every marriage. The "roll-your-eyes", "aren't-men-helpless" stuff. I think she intended it like that, but who's to say her mother didn't use it to fill in the blanks with her own narrative about me.

melissak · 26-03-2016 09:49PM

elvis83 wrote: »

I asked her about this, and she said it was only minor stuff that happens in every marriage. The "roll-your-eyes", "aren't-men-helpless" stuff. I think she intended it like that, but who's to say her mother didn't use it to fill in the blanks with her own narrative about me.

Yes. Mothers are second to none at filling in blanks about son in laws! it is hard to see your child unhappy and it is tempting to blame the outsider. Some families are more involved than others. The upside is that they are helpful with kids etc but the flipping is that they can be busybody. Having said that you are your own family unit and need to develop boundaries that you and your wife are comfortable with, life can be hard enough with small kids without this carry on. Good luck

elvis83 · 03-04-2016 12:32PM

Hi all,

Just to give a final update on how this panned out.

I visited my in-laws and said my piece. Initially the FIL sounded like he was ready for another row, but he when he heard that I wasn't interested in that, and also that I was taking responsibility for my meddling previously, he backed down. He was fairly open (a rare thing for him). He apologised, and basically said that this rowing and fighting was basically how he was reared and it was all he knew. I was surprised at this admission, but glad that we were able to move on like adults.

Her mother wasn't quite as direct, she didn't exactly apologise, but I'm happy to move on from it. I told them that there were boundaries in place now, and it was good for everyone involved if we respected them. I told them about my wife's depression only after everything had been said.

It's helped put my wife's mind at ease and she's now waiting to hear back from the doctor on what the next course of action is. Im going to take her to my depression group to try and help, because it's a bit too much for just me, and I've been feeling my depression creep back in over the past few days.

Thanks again everyone for the advice. This is probably as good as a conclusion as we could have hoped for - a cordial but slightly more removed relationship with her parents, and help for my wife getting through her current depression.

Electric Sheep · 03-04-2016 06:19PM

I'm so glad to hear this, you have been on my mind and in my thoughts, though I don't pray.:)

LynnGrace · 03-04-2016 06:32PM

All the best OP, and take care of your own health too.

melissak · 06-04-2016 07:49PM

elvis83 wrote: »

Hi all,

Just to give a final update on how this panned out.

I visited my in-laws and said my piece. Initially the FIL sounded like he was ready for another row, but he when he heard that I wasn't interested in that, and also that I was taking responsibility for my meddling previously, he backed down. He was fairly open (a rare thing for him). He apologised, and basically said that this rowing and fighting was basically how he was reared and it was all he knew. I was surprised at this admission, but glad that we were able to move on like adults.

Her mother wasn't quite as direct, she didn't exactly apologise, but I'm happy to move on from it. I told them that there were boundaries in place now, and it was good for everyone involved if we respected them. I told them about my wife's depression only after everything had been said.

It's helped put my wife's mind at ease and she's now waiting to hear back from the doctor on what the next course of action is. Im going to take her to my depression group to try and help, because it's a bit too much for just me, and I've been feeling my depression creep back in over the past few days.

Thanks again everyone for the advice. This is probably as good as a conclusion as we could have hoped for - a cordial but slightly more removed relationship with her parents, and help for my wife getting through her current depression.

Im sohappy you worked this all out. Parents and inlaws can be a pain in the ass, believe me i know., But there are also few people who will love your kids like their grandparents and life is too short.I wish you and your wife all the best

Row with in-laws

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