My girlfriend is going off to meet a guy she had a past romance with...

MarkHayer · 16-03-2016 03:09PM #1

I met my wonderful girlfriend back in September. She's from mainland Europe and she's here as a mature student. A couple of weeks into our initial dating period (back in sept), she felt the need to tell me about previous romances (one of which was a local guy I knew) because she wanted to be totally open and honest about her history, and wanted to "let me know what I was getting myself into" as she put it, and also so I was aware of what happened with the local guy, who travelled to meet her when she was in Europe a few months earlier, and so there was nothing hidden from me about any of her romantic endeavours.

She told me mostly about stuff that had been happening in the previous couple of years with partners who had come and gone in her life, and there was one Irish guy in particular she mentioned who she met in Berlin a couple of years back and was fond of. They spent a couple of days together, really got on well, kissed, and stayed in contact. She said he had a beautiful way with words and she loved corresponding with him, although she was busy with work and wasn't very good at returning his emails. And he was living far away, and rarely came to Europe, so it was difficult to meet. But they both flew to meet each other in London for new years eve (again a couple of days together but apparently no sex), and he also sent her a gift at another point and, from what I can tell, he really fell for her. They tried to meet again but it only happened once and she said this time it was more a "just friends" thing and there wasn't anything more than that, but she felt a very rare connection with him at the time. The reason she elaborated on all this stuff is that she didn't want to hide that he was *there* in the background, and she would occasionally hear from him, etc. and she wanted to be 100% open and honest with me about these feelings, and her connections from the past.

So when he messaged her at Christmas she told me about it. And said she felt something in her heart for him, but at the same time she made sure to tell him that she now has a boyfriend (so that he would perhaps let go of the "dream"?). A part of me was happy she was honest about it, and totally open and transparent about how they had been in contact. Another part of me just didn't want to know and it kind of opened a can of worms for me at the time. But I let it go... her intentions were honest.

Now this lad is coming back to Ireland for a visit, and he's in our town for a couple of days. And he's emailed her and asked her if they could meet. She told him she could, and yesterday she told me this. And I didn't react very well, I got quite emotional, hurt and upset to be honest. She said she didn't really think about it much and agreed to meet him without thinking it through, and without considering the effect it would have on me.

English isn't her first language (though she's as good as I am), and she's sometimes painfully honest and direct about things in ways that Irish people aren't. She wanted me to know she was meeting him because, again, she doesn't want to hide anything from me and she does still feel some affection for him and seeing as they happened to be on the same continent for a brief flash, she agreed (without really thinking too much about it). When I flipped out, and we got into a deeper discussion on things, she told me that he apparently he understood her in some ways that she said she'd very rarely experienced in life and he helped her through a difficult time, so she thought it would be sad if they didn't meet. When I pressed her on it later on, and asked her "Really, why are you meeting him. Why are you putting yourself in this position. You're with me, we're having a really amazing relationship, we love each other, we've committed to each other", she responded by telling me that she also wanted to do it for him - to give him a sense of closure. They'd had a very deep connection in the past, and he has a parent that suffers from a serious illness. He's aware she has a boyfriend, and she feels that it would be good for him to see her now so perhaps he can move possibly move on in his life (again, she doesn't even know how he feels for her anymore, their contact is limited to a few times a year, and he may even have a gf for all she knows). I was almost quite happy with that, and content... and I was like "why didn't you say that in the first place".

But then... the sting in the tail. When I pressed her on how she feels about meeting him, she said she honestly can't say how she feels until she meets him. She promised me of course that nothing would happen, and reassured me that there isn't any possibility of anything happening in terms of physical stuff. But she said she couldn't predict her feelings or give me any guarantee of how she's going to feel when she meets him, and if she did she'd be lying. But I suggested that she'd said how it was more a sense of closure and that she was pretty sure it was just friends. But she said that in previous meetings with him, she'd felt that things could fluctuate between being just friends and something more romantic... I guess this is the thing that was causing me hurt, and eating away at me. She was being completey honest, but I would have preferred if she'd just lied to me and said something like "I'm so much in love with you, there isn't any possibility of me having feelings for this fella or ANY fella", or some such nonsense. Which of course would not be true, as it's always possible for us to have *some* feelings for others, even if we don't act on them. But you know, I would have slept ok last night if she'd said that. Instead she alluded to the potential arising of various different feelings, and she reiterated that it would be pointless for her to try and make promises to me about how she's going to feel at a future point in time, she said she may feel nothing, or may feel "confused", or there may be an array of different feelings. But one thing she's sure about is that she loves me, respects me, and isn't going to act on any feelings that may (or may not) arise.
Well, I guess it leaves me with the final question; why is she putting herself in this position then? Why would you put yourself in a position that could potentially lead to cultivation of feelings for another person (if that arose), or leave you feeling confused? Why?
In a way, I'd be more at ease if she was meeting an ex-bf, at least then it would be a closed chapter. I have a feeling this fella is in love with her still, and there has always been the possibility of something more from what she's said, but it never got there.

Some background:
From September to now, our relationship has been really beautiful. We love each other very much, spend a lot of time together and have some really nice things in common. I don't think I've ever been this deeply in love with someone in my life (I'm 35 now, and she's 28), she seems like my ideal woman is pretty much every way and I'm so happy to have her in my life. She has really made me so happy, and I feel like this is the kind of relationship I always thought was possible but was unsure if I would ever meet someone like her. I feel I can really talk to her, and I just love listening to her. I would do anything for her. In the initial couple of months of the relationship, she had some reservations about exclusivity in relationships and was not sure if that's what she wanted (maybe 2 months in). It's what I wanted though. After a few more months (around January), I had a chat with her and said that I wanted an exclusive relationship and I wasn't open to the idea of being in an open relationship in any shape or form, I wanted commitment (before christmas she'd said that she felt it would be ok to be with other partners if we were in different countries). But in January, she said - without hesitation - that she wanted to commit to me, and that she was in love with me and would prefer if our relationship was a closed one. Since then we've been growing closer all the time, and our relationship has really blossomed and grown into something really special.

Car99 · 16-03-2016 03:14PM

What can you do ? You can't stop her meeting the other guy , you'll have to trust her , there is no other option except walk away.

VisibleGorilla · 16-03-2016 03:41PM

The very fact she is willing to do this would be enough for me - see ya later.

Cut your losses, seems a complete headwreck.

CorkFenian · 16-03-2016 03:48PM

As Car99 says what can you do but trust her...

I have dated a few girls like this, they're great fun, but hard work...All I mean is she will always be testing you, (even when she doesn't mean to)

She could go for a coffee and meet a new guy and click very quickly at any time, shes very open and I bet thats exciting but she will be that way with everybody even in a platonic sense...The positives here are that she is telling you everything she does like you , it takes a lot to do that from her side.

If you want the quiet settled life, this girl is not for you, shes independent and will always do her own thing, as I say I have been there, I have changed from confident and in control to using your kind of language in a few months, (in relationships a few years back) Its something i have worked on , just to let go, I would recommend it

If you love her, go with the flow ,support her and see what happens, theres no alternative other than to chalk it down to experience.

From your mail you sound very fully on, I would make sure that you don't lose yourself too much in all of this, (not saying that you have but its important that you don't lose what attracted her in the first place) Best of luck...

SarahMollie · 16-03-2016 04:25PM

So, let me see if I've got this straight.

You've only been committed about 2 months despite being together over 6 months? She actually wanted to be with other people when she was abroad?? That doesnt sound like the stuff of great romances to me.

Also, some of your language, like using the word "romances" rather than relationships for example, makes you come across as extremely full on.

You can either trust her, or not trust her, but if I were you OP, I'd be more concerned about whether of not the two of you are on the same page at all.

Virgil° · 16-03-2016 04:32PM

So shes going to meet some guy who she almost certainly has had a sexual relationship with and shes told you that there's a possibility she'll actually fall for him when she meets him? This isn't even a matter of trust. Shes told you very explicitly she might actually be unfaithful to you?!?!

She clearly can't be all that bothered with you if that's her attitude. The second she said that to me I'd have walked OP.

KikiDee · 16-03-2016 05:22PM

Forget what she said after, the fact that she didn't think about your feelings while agreeing to meet the other guy would send off alarm bells to me.

I think SarahMollie is right, ye need to work out of you two are on the same page OP. Right now, it's sounding like you're a couple of chapters ahead of her pet.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2016 05:22PM

Ok it is obvious you are very in love..a little too in love if I can put it like that

you're blinded by that into thinking this is a proper relationship, you're willing to have her say anything (sugar coating the fact she is going on her own to meet someone who she doesn't know if she has feelings or not for) and trying to see the positive side of this because you want to be with her so much. She isn't committed to you. If she really respected you she would say everything to reassure you, to make sure there was no doubt in your mind about this but all she has done is say 'trust me, but really don't trust me'. There's too much drama with someone like this. She's with you but most certainly keeping her options open. That's the reality.
Now all you can do is just let her do her thing and wait by the sidelines til she decides whether she likes this guy or not. Because you're probably not going to break up with her, are you. One thing I would say is perhaps pull back a bit and be a little less intense and more care free. I hate games but in reality the only thing to keep a woman like this interested if that's what you want, is for her to be a little less sure of your feelings and for you to be way more independent and less needy. She knows you're there, and sorry perhaps coming across a bit of a walkover. When I hear men talking like this about someone when with them not that long, it comes across kind of naive, not that attractive, like they think this person is the answer to everything and the reason for their whole life, like they were nothing without them ..but I just know there's an imbalance in the relationship and the woman will lose interest.

ManOfMystery · 16-03-2016 05:25PM

Cheating doesn't just mean having sex with someone behind your partner's back. There's such a thing as emotional cheating too. And your girlfriend seems to think that it's perfectly ok to place herself in a position where she could emotionally fall for someone, but because she won't act physically on it then it's ok. It's not really.

In a perfect world, she wouldn't even be in a relationship with you unless she was completely over and past this other guy. This isn't a perfect world, but nonetheless I think her deliberately proceeding with something which may open a can of worms is out of order. Ordinarily these threads end up being about the OP's insecurity or jealousy, but in this instance I think you're 100% right to feel annoyed about it.

Her response about him meeting her giving him 'closure' too is rubbish. She didn't have a deep 10-year relationship with the guy. They met, got on well, had a few days together here and there, and then nothing. Now he knows she has a boyfriend. How much closure could he need? There's more chance of this reigniting things between them than providing closure.

Mr. Incognito · 16-03-2016 05:32PM

This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

I suspect she told you all this for the guise of "Hey, I'm being honest"

Either she is with you or she is not. The fact that she is meeting this guy and has a well, tough **** for you, attitude.

Get away from her. There are plenty of decent faithful women in the world.

She is not one of them. A person who belives that the grass is greener will always be heading off to go sit on it occassionally.

Break up with her, she'll be delighted. Then in her mind she can have no guilt fun with her buddy in town and come back to you and say- HEY we weren't together but I am ready to commit now.

Then she'll come say take me back.

Get out now man

LuckyLloyd · 16-03-2016 05:42PM

I've been in a somewhat similar situation recently. Lots of people will say 'cut and run' and if you did it would be entirely justifiable. However, you can't make someone choose you with ultimatums, and equally you sometimes have to risk a little to gain a lot. She has been honest with you thus far. If she's honest about what happens when they meet up then you'll know where you stand thereafter.

As I say, you can break it off with her for this reason and maybe she then comes running back having decided not to meet him on that basis. Or you can hang in there, and see what happens. Maybe she meets him and chooses you after and you know you don't need to worry about him after.

Being with someone is a constant decision / choice in my opinion. There are rules and boundaries, but ultimately she could leave you at anytime for any reason. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

magicmushroom · 16-03-2016 06:04PM

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all, the whole situation sounds very head wrecking and I feel uncomfortable even reading it, never mind actually being the one in the relationship!

OP I think you should be very honest with her and just straight out say you don't want her to go.

Although do bear in mind there is a big difference between asking someone not to go and telling someone not to go, so make that very clear.

Explain why you're uncomfortable and that it would hurt you no matter what excuses/reasons she gives for going.

If she still decides to go, despite knowing it would hurt you then she's not the one for you.

Estrellita · 16-03-2016 07:07PM

Just because she repeatedly uses the words "I'm just being honest", it doesn't make her so. That guy probably wouldn't even be in your town unless she was giving him the impression she likes him or there may be more to it.

Red flags and alarm bells everywhere. She seems to lose interest quickly from what I can decipher so far.

mordeith · 16-03-2016 07:13PM

Her honesty won't count for fu*k all of she comes back and says 'oh by the way, I shagged that ex of mine'

frostyjacks · 16-03-2016 07:24PM

This is unacceptable behaviour on her part. There's plenty of ways to give someone 'closure' without physically meeting up with them.

The hurt you're feeling is emasculation. I cannot fathom why a woman would seek to humiliate and demean their boyfriend in this manner.

beks101 · 16-03-2016 09:03PM

I remember being single. There was John that I hooked up with years ago and stayed in touch with since, he lived in another country so we could never quite make it work. There was George from work who I'd exchange flirty messages with from time to time. Joe who I had great chemistry with but we were both working all hours so it never quite got off the ground. Etc etc etc.

This is quite common for women OP. Your OH is no special case for having this guy on the sidelines that she had this connection with but it went nowhere, but they're still in touch. The point is when you find the guy you want to be with, your interest in the old bullsh1tty going-nowhere flings and flirtations dies out because you've got someone you want more than all of them put together.

What you describe as 'honesty' and 'openness', I would describe as complete disrespect and disloyalty. So she's basically going to meet with this fella with an open mind, free to be enamoured by the romance of it all again without any regard for you and the last six months? If my boyfriend told me he was going to do that I'd end it there and then. Being in a relationship means those guys aren't options for you, and more importantly - you couldn't care less about them as options because you've got someone that's not worth losing over a cheap flirtation that goes nowhere.

Your girlfriend's behaviour, coupled with her reluctance to commit to you in the beginning, paints a picture of someone who is not ready to be faithful and is going to hurt you sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2016 09:15PM

Don't be a doormat. Her 'honesty' is basically saying she's keeping her options open. She's saying trust me..but depending on how it goes with him, then don't trust me. Take a step back from her she's messinbwity your feelings because she's pretty sure you are mad about her and will put up with anything.

MadDog76 · 16-03-2016 10:17PM

This girl sounds very honest, which is great .......... she also has no idea what respect in a relationship means, which isn't great at all.

If I was you Op, I'd say "Listen Miss X, you have to do what's right for you ........ and I have to do what's right for me ......... so if you really feel that it's acceptable to go on a date with this lad and find out if there's a romantic connection between you two then, unfortunately, this is goodbye for us sweetheart. I'm just being honest."

MarkHayer · 16-03-2016 10:18PM

Everyone, I want to thank you for your responses. I can't reply individually at the moment because I'm on the move.

But I want to make clear that this guy isn't an "ex" anything. She never slept with him (I believe her 100 percent). He's a guy who, from what I can tell, was once crazy about her after a few meetings. And he's been the one driving communication between them. Not her. And now, she's moved on, she's in a relationship with me, and she feels she owes it to him to meet to at least show him who she is now, and where she is now in her life. Maybe to help dissolve whatever dreams he might have had or still has. And I can understand, she feels like it wasn't just a fling or a romance with him, but a very pleasant friendship and I think she feels a bit bad for not returning some of his emails or keeping up the contact with him (previous to me at least) and he also send her a very nice gift, etc.. And she has promised nothing will happen, and I believe her. The only thing she couldn't promise me is what and how she will feel when she meets him. And I guess that's the sting in the tail for me - why does she want to put herself in that situation?

Some of the posts here have really helped give me some perspective. And actually, I've already told her how I feel about this thing, and she knows how it has hurt me. And she knows I was awake all night last night while she slept sound. This morning when we ate breakfast, she looked like she felt really sorry about her behavior towards me and I think she'd realised what she's done... Before leaving, she apologized to me. I forgave her, and she left.

I guess now... I'm just waiting to see if she comes back and shows me the consideration and care that I've shown her in the past month.

MadDog76 · 16-03-2016 10:23PM

She needs to worry less about him and more about you .......... the best way to show him, and you, that she's "moved on" is by not meeting him and telling him why she has chosen not to meet him ........ if she even knows why.

MarkHayer · 16-03-2016 10:23PM

MadDog76 wrote: »

This girl sounds very honest, which is great .......... she also has no idea what respect in a relationship means, which isn't great at all.

If I was you Op, I'd say "Listen Miss X, you have to do what's right for you ........ and I have to do what's right for me ......... so if you really feel that it's acceptable to go on a date with this lad and find out if there's a romantic connection between you two then, unfortunately, this is goodbye for us sweetheart. I'm just being honest."

She never said she was investigating whether there is a romantic connection. She is meeting mainly to give some closure to the thing. But naturally she can't guarantee she isn't going to feel "something"... But she doesn't feel that" something"is going to be a threat to us,because she's told me and reassure me how much she loved me.

mada82 · 16-03-2016 10:39PM

There's no need to meet up for closure. She wants to meet him.

Whether that's something you find acceptable or not is up to you.

OnTheCouch · 16-03-2016 10:46PM

An array of red flags are on display here OP. In fairness, it seems like you have spotted most of them yourself. Other posters have also given good advice to you.

So where to start? Most of us are aware that relationships are often rocky, even in the good times. And we are also conscious of the fact that even though one may be perfectly happy with their current relationship, there can often be a feeling of unfinished business over letting 'the one' get away.

For both men and women, meeting someone with whom you have a real connection is often a rarity, even for the most attractive of people out there. Now in a perfect world, this person would be your current partner, but it often isn't. It's then up to the person in a happy relationship to ensure that even if this elusive person from their past turns up that they stay loyal to their partner and don't entertain meeting up with them again.

Now unfortunately for you OP, it's crystal clear that this other man got inside your girlfriend's heart and head in a big way. However he did it, through his words, touch, messages or whatever. It's a little ambiguous from your post as to whether they slept together or not, but it doesn't really matter, as although the physical act can intensify passions, neither is it a pre-requisite to be obsessed with someone. See ManOfMystery's comment on emotional cheating above. But there is patently a need from her end to meet up with him, whether this be down to wanting to be physically intimate with him, to enjoy their amazing connection, or simply because she misses him so much. Either way, it's not very respectful to you.

Naturally enough it's better to be honest than go around lying, but I get the impression she is using her openness as a position of leverage in a future argument: "I was straight with you from the beginning - you could have stopped it if you really wanted." Listen to Estrellita...to some degree she is encouraging the other guy to come and see her. Sure, it can dressed up as friends meeting, but I think you know deep down that she wants to see him and has not dissuaded him in the slightest. The latter is very easy to do if you are not interested, especially when we are talking about travelling between countries. Again it's not clear why he's in Ireland, but they've clearly kept in contact and both appear open to the idea of meeting.

The notion of closure is also preposterous. They simply weren't together long enough for that to be plausible. Maybe he is in love with her. But if she's a fantastic woman as you claim, she's likely to have more than one suitor. And she's old enough now in her late twenties to know what to do to get rid of interest from men, she's probably been playing that game for the best part of fifteen years at this stage. If she were properly committed to you, she'd have done like most do in a secure relationship, diminish contact more and more as time goes by, so that eventually the guy gets the message that nothing will happen.

In addition, you say that she wanted to be with other people at the start of your relationship. Now I know that sometimes attraction takes time to build, but again for me it's a red flag. If she had started dating this other man instad of you, would she have also taken this approach? I doubt it somehow.

I'd echo magic mushroom's approach to know for sure. Tell her that you respect her right to be independent, to see other people as friends and to do what she thinks is necessary, but that from what she's told you about him you feel uncomfortable about the situation and that going ahead with the meeting would be very hurtful to you. If she still persists, well I think you then have your answer, as tough as it may be to take.

beks101 · 16-03-2016 10:47PM

MarkHayer wrote: »

And actually, I've already told her how I feel about this thing, and she knows how it has hurt me. And she knows I was awake all night last night while she slept sound.

You see that's the point where someone who really cared about you would do a U-turn. When they saw that their actions in meeting some guy that they had a brief thing with, who was no longer a part of their life, was hurting someone who actually was a significant part of their life now.

Why is her commitment to giving this random lad 'closure' greater than her commitment to you and your relationship? Does she perhaps enjoy the attention, the Mills & Boon theatrics of it all?

Personally if I felt that I couldn't trust my feelings around some guy from my past and it was a threat to my relationship, I'd be keeping well away instead of running into his arms with a Get Out of Jail Free card if anything happened because I was "honest" with my OH before doing so. (Not that he'd stick around to see it - he'd be rightly out the door.)

Alf Veedersane · 16-03-2016 11:07PM

You can't ask her not to meet him because it doesn't really address the issue.

Outside of this particular meeting there are quite a few red flags anyway. She only really mentioned being in an exclusive relationship in January but the picture painted doesn't suggest anything more than a superficial commitment.

This particular meeting may go the way you want but it reads like it's a case of when rather than of she checks how green the grass is elsewhere.

Just have your eyes open, OP.

SeaBreezes · 16-03-2016 11:11PM

A couple of points jumped out at me:

6 months into a relationship (and your only a committed relationship with 2 months) and your telling her what friends she can/cannot see?
Because you feel insecure? She prob shouldnt tell you as much as she does, you'd sleep easier and she could play those mind games with herself.

Why dont ye go and meet him together? Or invite him to dinner at yours? Go out to dinner like any couple with a friend? Might completely put your mind to rest if you met him, rather than this fantasy person she had a 'connection' with once.

PressRun · 16-03-2016 11:13PM

This is absolutely head-wrecking stuff and the fact that she doesn't care all that much that she's hurt your feelings should tell you all you need to know.

batmanrobin · 16-03-2016 11:25PM

So even after you told her how it would make you feel, she's still going to meet him? Am I reading that right? If so, I guess you're now fully aware of how little she cares for you and your relationship. Seriously, OP, her behaviour is not on, and it's bullsh*t dressed up as honesty!

MarkHayer · 17-03-2016 02:16AM

Again, many thanks for those replies.. Really appreciate your help and perspective

. I'm away tonight and for a couple of days and she hasn't been in contact with me since morning when she apologized.

I'm going to grow a pair of balls now, and I'm going to let her know that she can't disrespect me or my feelings. I'm taking the advice from the majority of users here(it's mostly stuff I've already felt deep down but I was not sure if I was just being jealous or overreacting or something - which is kind of how she made me feel) . But I'm going to wait for her to contact me, and I'm actually still hoping that she will do that "u turn" when it sinks in for her about how I'm feeling. I've told her how I feel, I didn't ask her not to see the guy. But... I actually have faith that she will respect me and will not need to be told. I believe in her. When she was ill a few weeks ago, I took care of her and did loads of stuff for her. I don't regret any of that... But now I'm going to ask her to have more consideration for me, and for my heart...

I think, from this morning, she's already regretting this whole thing... But I'm a little uneasy that she hasn't sent me any reassuring emails or any contact whatsoever. Because right now my heart is being plunged into darkness and I feel myself slipping into depression. Where is she when I need her, eh?

LegacyUser · 17-03-2016 02:57AM

MarkHayer wrote: »

I think, from this morning, she's already regretting this whole thing... But I'm a little uneasy that she hasn't sent me any reassuring emails or any contact whatsoever. Because right now my heart is being plunged into darkness and I feel myself slipping into depression. Where is she when I need her, eh?

Ah here, lad for God's sake. Your happiness or depression should never be so dependent on someone else to such an extent. It's unfair on them and would suggest that you aren't fully able to be happy in (or even accepting of) yourself.

You seem to have placed her on a very high pedestal that anyone would fall from, and made your own happiness too dependent on her. You need to put faith back in yourself and build up your own confidence.

Don't get me wrong, everyone goes through phases like that but the solution is always (and can only be found) within ourselves. This probably sounds very harsh but I think you need to spend sometime evaluating your own internal life and happiness and start being less dependent on any external factor for it.

Good luck, hope it works out.

MarkHayer · 17-03-2016 03:01AM

By the way, we weren't ever in an open relationship, it's just that we'd never had the "are we committed" chat, and at Christmas she was in her home country and told me, at the time, "I'm a little afraid, because next week in meeting an old flame from my past and I don't know what will happen", and she alluded to her fear of there being physical attraction to a guy she'd had a relationship with in the past,and her fear that she wasn't sure how it would play out. Again, she wanted to be honest, and I flipped out and had a pretty miserable St. Stephen's day as a result. After Christmas, we decided "no more of this sort of thing, we're committing to each other". And we did. And she's promised she isn't going to play around, but has warned me that she has a "colorful" relationship history, and some questions around exclusivity.

My girlfriend is going off to meet a guy she had a past romance with...

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