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Did your fiancee's family help with the wedding costs? MOD WARNING POST #1 & #31

  • 02-03-2016 01:21PM
    #1
    thegingerbride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭


    My question is does the grooms family normally contribute to the wedding? I don't know what is normally expected, if anything. Most of my friends had their honeymoons paid for my the grooms parents, which I thought was incredibly generous. So what, if anything, did your fiancée's family help pay for for you wedding?

    Edit: I should have added that I don't expect his family to contribute anything, we have all of our costs happily covered and we're paying for it all ourselves. I was just wondering what other people experiences are.

    Mod edit: Please note on-thread warning below:
    Toots wrote: »
    Folks, just a general warning (because this has the potential to be one of those threads) can we try to stay on topic ie: did family members help with the wedding costs. Discussion around gifts/requests for money in invitations etc tends to get very heated and usually results in the thread being locked. Soapboxing, pontificating, etc will result in your post being deleted and you receiving an infraction or ban.

    I'll be keeping a close eye on this thread, and if posters can't stay on topic and be civil it will be locked.

    Cheers.
    Tagged:


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Black_Knight
    Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 11,760 ✭✭✭✭Black_Knight


    I think anyone other than the bride and groom paying for their wedding is ridiculous. I'd never expect my fiancees' or my parents to pay for any part of our wedding. If you cant afford it, either push the date back, or scale it down.

    So in answer to your question, nothing.


  • #3
    stoplooklisten
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,492 ✭✭✭stoplooklisten


    What a lot of people do is calculate the cost of the the wedding you want and then calculate the number of guests you need to invite to "cover the plate" some also do the "no presents, contribute to our honeymoon ", which is nice


  • #4
    thegingerbride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭thegingerbride


    I should have added that I don't expect his family to contribute anything, we have all of our costs happily covered and we're paying for it all ourselves. I was just wondering what other people experiences are.


  • #5
    scarbouro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 444 ✭✭scarbouro


    Both parents gave money towards our wedding but we paid the majority of it ourselves.


  • #6
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,510 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    We're planning on paying for it all ourselves, however I know that my fiancees parents will want to help us out so I have a feeling some elements will get covered even though I'd rather we just paid for everything ourselves. She has a much bigger family than I do, and I'd rather my Dad didn't pay for anything because he's only on a pension now so I want him to not feel pressured at all, and to spend his money on himself. God knows he's spent enough on me and my education and everything throughout the years! Plus he probably thought he'd gotten away with not having to have to deal with my wedding since I'm as gay as Christmas but sure the referendum put the kybosh on that! :P


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  • #7
    Rob Thomas
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 490 ✭✭Rob Thomas


    Our family history!!!

    We paid for our own wedding in full ourselves. Plus we covered the overnight at the hotel for our families and a dinner on the day after the wedding. But we had a small wedding, albeit a party afterwards for our friends.

    My wife's brother got married abroad, invited just 10 immediate family members and paid flights and accommodation for everyone. He didn't want anyone out of pocket for going to his wedding abroad. My wife and I refunded him the cost of our trip (separate from a gift) and to my knowledge some of the others did too but that's because we made a holiday of it. And he was very reluctant to take it to be fair.

    My own brother's father in law insisted on paying the meal bill at his wedding reception as he wanted them to have it in a hotel belonging to a friend of his which they would not have chosen otherwise. I think the friend was struggling at the time.

    Both of my sisters paid for their own weddings along with their husbands so none of us got assistance from our own parents although they were very generous to all of us in terms of a gift.

    I think thats it!


  • #8
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,663 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Mmm with ours we non really did. We got cash gifts to put towards whatever we wanted that was it..paid for all else ourselves..


  • #9
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    thegingerbride wrote: »
    My question is does the grooms family normally contribute to the wedding? I don't know what is normally expected, if anything. Most of my friends had their honeymoons paid for my the grooms parents, which I thought was incredibly generous. So what, if anything, did your fiancée's family help pay for for you wedding?

    Not a red cent. We didn't even get a card from my husband's parents. They have very little money and not wanting his mum to feel left out I suggested to my husband that we give her money to buy an outfit for the wedding. So we gave her €500 towards her outfit. We also paid for the suit his Dad wore the day of our wedding. We also paid for their accomodation the night of the wedding. We paid for a big family lunch the day after too.

    In return we got a load of grief for not inviting enough relations from his side of the family.


  • #10
    brevity
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,536 ✭✭✭brevity


    Both families helped us out.

    My parents offered to pay for the Honeymoon and my father in law helped also.

    We used some savings and a small loan for the rest.


  • #11
    Big Vern
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 603 ✭✭✭Big Vern


    Got married May last year. Both set of parents contributed money towards our wedding costs, as their presents to us. We paid for most ourselves.


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  • #12
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,252 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    I saved hard for the lot. In laws threw a party in my wife's home country.
    We paid for their flights over and accommodation for 4 nights in a hotel here.


  • #13
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    I don't think anything is expected and you shouldnt really be planning a wedding that you can't afford yourselves.

    If parents on either side decide to contribute as their wedding gift, then thats lovely but it should be expected.


  • #14
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Didn't get financial help from either side, wouldn't have accepted it anyway. Mother in law babysat while we were on honeymoon and let us have the reception in her house which was enough.


  • #15
    Dizzicizzi
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 182 ✭✭Dizzicizzi


    I covered the cost of my own wedding. If someone wanted to give us a gift, I asked that they gave money as we were only renting a small apartment and really didn't need household stuff nor had the room to take any! If someone gifted us, great, if not, great. We had 80 guests at our wedding and paid for a 5 course meal each and a buffet for everyone later with champagne toasts, free wine and 3 drinks of their choice. We covered the cost of family staying in the hotel and friends wanting to stay got a discounted rate.

    I would be mortified asking people to pay to come to my wedding. This notion of "minimal gift is €250 per couple" nonsense comes off as very tacky and cheap. If you invite someone to a wedding, that's on you to cover the cost.

    If you can't afford a big wedding then push the date back and save up, or plan a smaller wedding. Don't expect others to pick up the tab for your day.

    If people gift you a honeymoon or the price of part of the wedding, how nice, aren't they generous? But I have a very dim view of people who set a price that any wedding guest should be obliged to pay, even if they are family.


  • #16
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    Dizzicizzi wrote: »
    I covered the cost of my own wedding. If someone wanted to give us a gift, I asked that they gave money as we were only renting a small apartment and really didn't need household stuff nor had the room to take any! If someone gifted us, great, if not, great. We had 80 guests at our wedding and paid for a 5 course meal each and a buffet for everyone later with champagne toasts, free wine and 3 drinks of their choice. We covered the cost of family staying in the hotel and friends wanting to stay got a discounted rate.

    I would be mortified asking people to pay to come to my wedding. This notion of "minimal gift is €250 per couple" nonsense comes off as very tacky and cheap. If you invite someone to a wedding, that's on you to cover the cost.

    If you can't afford a big wedding then push the date back and save up, or plan a smaller wedding. Don't expect others to pick up the tab for your day.

    If people gift you a honeymoon or the price of part of the wedding, how nice, aren't they generous? But I have a very dim view of people who set a price that any wedding guest should be obliged to pay, even if they are family.

    Oh gosh, is €250 now the minimum? I heard people still give €150-200 per couple. And for very good friends, I'd maybe go to €250, but I see that as my choice, not the expected norm.

    Im an only child so hand on heart, I think my parents would probably give me a bit, but I would never ask for it or expect it. My OH comes from a similarly generous family, so I wouldnt be surprised but equally if it doesnt happen, its no problem.

    I certainly would do up my budget on the assumption that we're paying for it ourselves, and if the parents want to get involved then lovely, but its not a requirement.

    By the way, your wedding sounds amazing, thats exactly what I would like to do. When you do it like that, small numbers and high quality, its going to be expensive and you're not likely to "get your money back in gifts" (what a horrible concept).


  • #17
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,510 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Dizzicizzi wrote: »
    This notion of "minimal gift is €250 per couple" nonsense comes off as very tacky and cheap.

    Do people actually put this on invitations? :eek::eek::eek:


  • #18
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Both sets of parents made a contribution to our wedding. My parents had always spoken of paying for my wedding, and my Dad is very traditional, so it meant a lot to him to contribute substantially. Plus it meant my parents got to invite all of their friends without resistance from me. My husband's parents also insisted on being very very generous.

    For me, you need to pick your battles. We could have refused money from our families, done everything our own way and had to fight battles the whole way ("Why aren't you inviting this person", "Why are you choosing that location" and everything else). By accepting their contributions, both sets got an input into the day and we could afford to accommodate that, while still having the wedding we wanted.


  • #19
    westernlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 598 ✭✭✭westernlass


    Faith I'm having a similar situation. We choose what we wanted and then included them as much as possible and let them invite more. The venue couldn't hold huge numbers so that kept it in check. There's been no arguments about the actual wedding.

    My parents gave us some money. His side wouldn't have it to give but did give a lot of help. And bought small bits along the way like stamps etc that all added up and I really appreciated when it was near pay day and I was broke managing budgets.

    Anyone who gives their time to me is contributing and I'm very grateful.


  • #20
    hardCopy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,969 ✭✭✭hardCopy


    SarahMollie wrote: »
    Oh gosh, is €250 now the minimum? I heard people still give €150-200 per couple. And for very good friends, I'd maybe go to €250, but I see that as my choice, not the expected norm.

    Im an only child so hand on heart, I think my parents would probably give me a bit, but I would never ask for it or expect it. My OH comes from a similarly generous family, so I wouldnt be surprised but equally if it doesnt happen, its no problem.

    I certainly would do up my budget on the assumption that we're paying for it ourselves, and if the parents want to get involved then lovely, but its not a requirement.

    By the way, your wedding sounds amazing, thats exactly what I would like to do. When you do it like that, small numbers and high quality, its going to be expensive and you're not likely to "get your money back in gifts" (what a horrible concept).

    I got married in September and gifts as big as €250 were by no means normal.


  • #21
    myshirt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    stoplooklisten wrote: »
    What a lot of people do is calculate the cost of the the wedding you want and then calculate the number of guests you need to invite to "cover the plate" some also do the "no presents, contribute to our honeymoon ", which is nice

    Some people find that quite offensive. The smart alec couple may end up getting a mere bucket and spade for the beach.
    Contribute to the honeymoon, absolutely ridiculous in this day and age.


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  • #22
    stickybookmark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭stickybookmark


    My hubby's parents gave 5 grand.


  • #23
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    hardCopy wrote: »
    I got married in September and gifts as big as €250 were by no means normal.

    This is good to hear! O was having panics that €200 had somehow become scabby!

    None of my friends are getting married at the cheapest places (avg €160-€200 per night to stay over) so combining that with the gift and everything else that goes with attending a wedding, I feel like enough is already asked of guests!


  • #24
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    myshirt wrote: »
    Some people find that quite offensive. The smart alec couple may end up getting a mere bucket and spade for the beach.
    Contribute to the honeymoon, absolutely ridiculous in this day and age.

    Agreed, unless someone actually asks what you want, I think its a bit rude to flat out ask for cash, no matter how you dress it up.

    That said, I give cash myself but would definitely smart a little at being asked for it.


  • #25
    stickybookmark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭stickybookmark


    hardCopy wrote: »
    I got married in September and gifts as big as €250 were by no means normal.

    Same here. Got married last summer and out of 150 guests we only had a handful that gave 250 per couple. They were generally people who's weddings I had gone to considerable expense (i.e. flights were involved) to attend.


  • #26
    myshirt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    stoplooklisten wrote: »
    What a lot of people do is calculate the cost of the the wedding you want and then calculate the number of guests you need to invite to "cover the plate" some also do the "no presents, contribute to our honeymoon ", which is nice

    Some people find that quite offensive. The smart alec couple may end up getting a mere bucket and spade for the beach.
    Contribute to the honeymoon, absolutely ridiculous in this day and age.


  • #27
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    myshirt wrote: »
    Some people find that quite offensive. The smart alec couple may end up getting a mere bucket and spade for the beach.
    Contribute to the honeymoon, absolutely ridiculous in this day and age.

    Yep, I'd feel the need to contribute to a honeymoon of a day trip to Trabolgan if I see that on on an invitation.
    I think its really rude.
    I'm most likely going to give money anyway but being asked / told to really annoys me.


  • #28
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,491 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    myshirt wrote: »
    Some people find that quite offensive. The smart alec couple may end up getting a mere bucket and spade for the beach.
    Contribute to the honeymoon, absolutely ridiculous in this day and age.

    I don't understand what a contribution to the honeymoon is considered ridiculous.

    My friends got married recently & they included in the invite a web address from Trailfinders where someone could log in & add a present to their honeymoon. I thought it was great idea as they've had a home together for years & wanted to do something special for their honeymoon. They didn't decided on it until after the wedding.

    In some ways I prefer that to giving cash.


  • #29
    sullivk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 299 ✭✭sullivk


    We paid for everything ourselves. My husband's parents did offer to pay for our BBQ we had planned for the next day but we declined. My parents are both retired and don't have alot of spare cash.
    That said, both sets of parents gave us VERY generous gifts afterwards. But i would never have expected or allowed anyone else to contribute towards our wedding.


  • #30
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    witchgirl26 wrote: »
    I don't understand what a contribution to the honeymoon is considered ridiculous.

    My friends got married recently & they included in the invite a web address from Trailfinders where someone could log in & add a present to their honeymoon. I thought it was great idea as they've had a home together for years & wanted to do something special for their honeymoon. They didn't decided on it until after the wedding.

    In some ways I prefer that to giving cash.

    I think its the quid pro quo element that annoys people. Its like inviting people on the condition that they contribute to your honeymoon (even though I know this isnt necessarily the intention)

    Facts are, most people these days give cash anyhow - so i think its just a bit unnecessary to ask for it even if its dressed up as a honeymoon donation, as some people are likely to be offended.

    People want to feel like they're invited to your wedding because you want them there, not because they've paid for their dinner.


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  • #31
    Toots
    Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 17,009 Mod ✭✭✭✭Toots


    Folks, just a general warning (because this has the potential to be one of those threads) can we try to stay on topic ie: did family members help with the wedding costs. Discussion around gifts/requests for money in invitations etc tends to get very heated and usually results in the thread being locked. Soapboxing, pontificating, etc will result in your post being deleted and you receiving an infraction or ban.

    I'll be keeping a close eye on this thread, and if posters can't stay on topic and be civil it will be locked.

    Cheers.


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