Can someone shed some light on this situation please

Neyite · 18-02-2016 09:51AM

It's actually pretty common that a couple split shortly before an engagement from what I've seen. Out of the marrieds in my family, all of them did briefly. And I know a fair few friends that did too.

Sometimes it takes stepping away for the reluctant partner to realise that they do want to stay with that person. It can be a good thing - for both of you to take some time to reassess your relationship and where you individually want to go from here, then meeting up and seeing if those align.

He may very well have happily drifted along, and only when he saw you were ready to call it quits, got a shock and realised he doesn't want to lose you. Or it could just be a sop. Get engaged and that will keep her content for another while before wedding planning begins. At this stage, you can only trust your gut and go with whatever it is telling you.

So maybe a trial separation might help both of you?

CaraMay · 18-02-2016 10:52AM

Neyite wrote: »

It's actually pretty common that a couple split shortly before an engagement from what I've seen. Out of the marrieds in my family, all of them did briefly. And I know a fair few friends that did too.

So do I but I don't think it necessarily fixes the problem. IMHO these are the relationships that eventually struggle / breakdown. Well the ones I know are anyway...

I found the guy generally comes back because he gets a shock and then thinks he now wants the wife and family but reality sets in years later and the initial doubts resurface.

No one has a crystal ball op but if he wasn't ready last week then why is he this week? He's putting a plaster on the problem. There are other big issues in the relationship which won't be fixed by a ring.

Ursus Horribilis · 18-02-2016 12:46PM

Even though you say he's a good man and you love him, what sort of everyday relationship do you have. There seems to be quite an emotional disconnect between the two of you. Is he someone you can turn to and open up about things with? Does he do the same for you? Does he support you and not just in a practical sense? I just wonder have you been coping with things more than you think you have?

I think you really need to sit him down and have an open and frank discussion. And if he starts shutting you down or not listening, tell him out straight that this is the sort of behaviour that will end the relationship.

fungun · 18-02-2016 02:03PM

tbh Im a bit surprised how quickly you went from asking him to marry you to "I ended it". I think this tells a lot in terms of your underlying frustrations with the inability to communicate over any disagreement. Leaving aside his issues, that is still an awfully large change in behaviour from you.

If you sit down and quietly think of what you want in a husband, is it him?? My underlying feeling from your posts is that it isnt; perhaps you had a child too early, tried to do the right thing and stay together but perhaps you just arent right for each other.

Best of luck either way

quickq987 · 18-02-2016 07:33PM

I guess there are some underlying issues that I do need to address.

I guess I have fears that he will leave. When he moved in it wasn't because he wanted to it was because it was the right thing to do. He still spends a lot more time at his parents house and never changed his address.

Emotionally he's a difficult person as he never talks about issues that he has and if I try to talk about something in the calmest way possible he perceives it as an attack.

I'm worried that all of the commitments he has made thus far have been ones that just fell into place.

I think Im willing to walk away so easily because I'm truly humiliated (I know that's my own fault) but honestly the feeling of wanting to marry someone and having them not entirely feel the same is so humiliating.

Thank you all for your imput I really do appreciate being able to see different perspectives on this and maybe trying to see his point of view. It's also nice to have somebody to talk to in a "get it off my chest" kind of way

Ursus Horribilis · 18-02-2016 09:21PM

From what you've described here, I'm not seeing too many good ingredients for a happy marriage. Or even a happy relationship. Tell me, are you even happy with that? Honestly? If your son hadn't come along, do you think you'd have split up by now? The word absence keeps coming into my head. That and Doc Martin from the TV series – if you've watched that, you'll have some idea what I'm getting at.

Would I be right in guessing that he has compartmentalised his life? It's interesting that you mentioned him spending so much time with his parents and never changing his address. I wonder would he rather live at home if given the choice? He seems to be “living” with you out of a sense of duty rather something he wants to do. Any men I know who've got partners and children spend the majority of time with their own families, not at home with mammy and daddy.

I don't know what to say to you. It'd be an enormous wrench if he is to leave. Not just for you but for your son. Really though, you would be extremely foolish to marry him while you've got doubts.

quickq987 · 18-02-2016 11:22PM

I guess maybe I "forgot" my doubts in the sense that these things have been going on so long that they just became a part of who we are as a couple.

Maybe I thought marrying him would change this? Maybe I thought this was normal behaviour? Maybe I thought it was the next step? I cant really explain it but I hadn't even considered these issues until the possibility or the lack of the possibility of marriage came up.

We spoke again tonight, he said that when he said he wanted to marry me the other day that he meant in the near future, we spoke a lot or I mean I spoke a lot he answered maybe every 4th question. I just couldn't take it anymore and I told him that in the calmest possible way that I could.

Were at an impasse, hes completely shut down, im exhausted from thinking about this whole situation and I think pp were right. You guys just seemed to see all of these problems before I did

CaraMay · 19-02-2016 09:01AM

Ah op it's very easy for us to sit here and analyse your relationship from behind s keyboard. The benefit of putting your problems up here is that many people have experienced the same in their own lives and they can see the warning signs that the poster often can't. What we can't see is the nice stuff he does for you and your child and we don't know all positives towards the relationship.

Without trying to patronize, you are both so young and don't have much relationship experience. He's not a bad guy but does seem emotionally immature. I can see why you want the proposal as its a sign that he wants you and that's very understandable. Try not to beat yourself up. You are both good people who have coped fantastically with having a child so young.

Just because he hasn't made the big gesture doesn't mean he doesn't want to. Try and take a step back and see the wood from the trees. Do something nice this weekend as a treat for yourself and see how you feel in a few days.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2016 10:28AM

Op you've been together 12 years, you have a 10 year old child together and for the majority of that time you have been living together except he still spends a lot of time over at his parents place and never changed his address. Now that the relationship has ended he is not willing to move out of the house you share either. Does he rely on his parents alot is he mothered alot ? I don't think marrying him will solve the massive disconnect that seems to exist in your relationship.

ShaShaBear · 19-02-2016 11:43PM

To be honest, as harsh as it seems, I feel he is only now having the marriage talk with you because he thinks he will get to keep his current living arrangements. I had a partner very like him in the past. Very much happy to spend every night in my flat but was ultimately a real Mama's Boy. You couldn't win an argument with him because he'd simply refuse to have one. Feelings and future were never discussed to the length I would have needed to discern any possible future.
I broke it off with him after he essentially said he wanted to travel alone but have me waiting when he decided to return. He came back, within an hour, to tell me he had changed his mind and he wanted to stay with me. It took a long, hard think about whether or not this was a "realised what I would be giving up" sort of situation and I ultimately decided it wasn't. I was glad too, as I turned out to be right. He only said that so that he wouldn't be forced to live under his mother's roof and be sexually and socially limited.

iuil1999 · 20-02-2016 11:22AM

I've been in your situation. Eventually got married and was separated a few years after. Waste of money and time.

Taltos · 20-02-2016 11:52AM

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quickq987 · 20-02-2016 12:34PM

Right now, he wont move out, he wont go to counselling and he wont talk to me.
I'm so frustrated because I wanted to do this in the most amicable way and preserve some sort of a friendship in order to keep a united front parenting.
I asked if he wanted to talk to our son together or would I do it alone and he said neither (one of the only times that he has spoken to me)

He told me that he didn't want to end things but gave no reasons as to why he didn't want to.

I guess I'm just venting now because nothing is resolved, its not ended either I'm just in limbo.

Thank you all for your advice and replies and for sharing experiences. I do know that I need to end it and the impartial views have helped me realise this.

Your a very kind bunch.

Thank you all

Ursus Horribilis · 20-02-2016 02:44PM

Unfortunately I don't think this is going to end amicably, no matter how you try to dance around the matter. In their own way, those silences are every bit as nasty and as wounding as spoken words. As you're learning, they're a very effective tool for him. And you know, it's not as if you were looking for him to donate an organ or something. You're living together for years. You've got a child. Supposedly you're in love. It shouldn't have been a big deal to go that final step and get married. Clearly it was for him and you've got to wonder why. Just like you've got to wonder why he'd be away for a week and not make contact with home. Why he never changed his address. Why he spends so much time at his parent's house. Why you're with him for so many years and don't appear to have any great insight into what he's thinking or feeling.

What he did regarding your child was about as sh!tty as it gets. By refusing to say anything, he's forcing you to do his dirty work for him. It's sneaky, it's cowardly and it's low. It's also manipulative if you think about it. I think you do need to tell him it's over and stop this limbo for once and for all.

I've no idea how you can go about getting rid of him from the house. I'm going to assume it's a rented one? Maybe you can find information here http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/family_home.html
I suppose you could tell him he's not welcome in the bedroom and that you'll no longer be cooking/cleaning/doing laundry for him. But that'd probably get messy too.

cactusgal · 20-02-2016 08:56PM

quickq987 wrote: »

Right now, he wont move out, he wont go to counselling and he wont talk to me.

That is really, tough, OP, but please stand your ground. If he isn't willing to work on things (eg, by talking to you, going to counselling, making a concerted effort as a co-partner in your relationship to improve and strengthen your relationship), then he has to move out.

A very close friend of mine has been with her partner for 15 years now. He was always more into her than vice versa, but she was happy enough with him. Until she fell head over heels for someone else. Mr. Someone Else didn't work out, but it was a massive wakeup call to her that her long term relationship was very much lacking. She owns her house, and she felt absolutely awful breaking up with her long-term boyfriend and asking him to move out, but she did it. He took his time moving, but she felt bad for him, so didn't rush him.

Well, his plan worked. Five years on, and he still hasn't moved out. She's not happy with him, but it's like she's given up.

Don't be like her. Stand your ground.

quickq987 · 22-02-2016 01:58AM

Odus fell down wrote: »

Unfortunately I don't think this is going to end amicably, no matter how you try to dance around the matter. In their own way, those silences are every bit as nasty and as wounding as spoken words. As you're learning, they're a very effective tool for him. And you know, it's not as if you were looking for him to donate an organ or something. You're living together for years. You've got a child. Supposedly you're in love. It shouldn't have been a big deal to go that final step and get married. Clearly it was for him and you've got to wonder why. Just like you've got to wonder why he'd be away for a week and not make contact with home. Why he never changed his address. Why he spends so much time at his parent's house. Why you're with him for so many years and don't appear to have any great insight into what he's thinking or feeling.

What he did regarding your child was about as sh!tty as it gets. By refusing to say anything, he's forcing you to do his dirty work for him. It's sneaky, it's cowardly and it's low. It's also manipulative if you think about it. I think you do need to tell him it's over and stop this limbo for once and for all.

I've no idea how you can go about getting rid of him from the house. I'm going to assume it's a rented one? Maybe you can find information here http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/family_home.html
I suppose you could tell him he's not welcome in the bedroom and that you'll no longer be cooking/cleaning/doing laundry for him. But that'd probably get messy too.

I do believe that the silences are the worst thing that he could possibly do to me here, they are awful and extremely damaging.

I asked him one more time to leave and haven't spoken to him since. When I hear his car come in I go to bed. His bags are packed but he just sleeps on the couch and doesnt take them away. I dont know whether this means he loves us and he doesn't want to go or that he thinks Ill eventually get over it and we can go back to the way things were.

I still love him but I agree with pp and have often wondered about the disconnect. This part is killing me because I just don't know what is going on. I cant eat or sleep. I'm exhausted. Its going on so long now that its just draining

Ursus Horribilis · 22-02-2016 07:45AM

I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns here or this impasse could go on indefinitely. Also, you need to consider what effect this is having on your child - children see more than you think they can. You're going to have to tell him out straight that every single silence and ignored question is edging him further towards the door. That his refusal to talk to you or go to counselling is killing the relationship. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he has to go.

You could argue that he's staying put of love. Or perhaps he's staying because he has nowhere else to go. He probably doesn't want to turn up on his parent's doorstep and have to field the questions they'll be asking. Looking for accommodation is not a pleasant thing either. So sleeping on the sofa is the least worst option.

He also could be waiting this out. If you think about it, this is just a bigger version of how the relationship has operated anyway. In previous times, what has the outcome to his silence been? Has it been you backing down by any chance.

meeeeh · 22-02-2016 09:47AM

Op, if you are serious about breaking up, it might be you who has to move out. I presume you ate renting so it shouldn't he as complicated.

At the moment he doesn't have to do anything. He just wait it out and force you to act or not. Unfortunately it's always easier to stand still than force action. But if you decided it's over do not drag it out. It will be extremely hard for your son.

intheclouds · 22-02-2016 10:21AM

This thread is really shocking to me.

This man is bullying you. Its passive aggressive, but its bullying. Its incomprehensible to me that you would ask him to leave and receive silence in return - and that he just refuses to budge. Its completely unreasonable. Its really treating you like your wishes are completely irrelevant.

The answer is obvious to me. Move out yourself. What you are describing re the silences and bullying behaviour is really bad for your child to witness. We learn conflict resolution from our parents. My father used to do the silent treatment. He was a bully too. I have to fight really hard with myself not to retreat into silence to punish my husband in an argument - its learned behaviour.

Its like he is passively aggressively beating you into submission by refusing to move out and being silent. Please leave.

Sunflower 27 · 23-02-2016 03:43PM

I'm late to this thread but have to say you are never going to be happy with a man who ignores you when in a strop. This sort of behaviour is acceptable in a bold child, but in a grown man it is ridiculous.

You deserve far better. For your sake, I'd suggest some counselling and then moving on with your life.

This man has taken you for granted for far too long. It's like you have forgot what it's like to be treated as an equal.

I wish you the best.

Can someone shed some light on this situation please

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