Can someone shed some light on this situation please

LegacyUser

So Im going to go anon for this but I often use the boards

Some back story. Been with my OH 12 years. We have a son who is 10. My partner is a good man and a good father. He makes me laugh, he puts up with my wierdness. There are so many good things that I can say about him but then again there are things that i.e would never call to just say hi even if hes away for a week or so. One of the biggest things is that he shuts down when we disagree on something, he never talks about how he feels. We don't actually argue, we disagree and when we do he shuts down, I never know what hes thinking. Id be happy to talk about the situation and come to a conclusion but when I try he simply ignores me so now I just don't say anything and wait for him to eventually come to me and when he does its basically to tell me that I'm wrong. In all our years together I can count three times he has said the word sorry. Like I said we rarely disagree and it rarely comes to this but it is always what happens.
Anyway I brought up marriage to him 2 years ago and he said that he wasn't ready. I accepted it and thought it would happen given more time. I mentioned it again a few months ago and he said that he was ready and we would get engaged in the next few months when we get a chance i.e have time to go ring shopping etc. So I started looking at rings showing him what I liked etc, he was interested, we spoke a number of times about it and my understanding was that we were going to buy a ring this weekend as we planned a weekend away. The rings that I had chosen were non expensive and financially we are stable. Im not looking for any romantic gesture or some facebook status simply two adults making a decision to spend their lives together.
I mentioned it to him the other day and he said it was all in my head that we hadnt discussed actually getting engaged but that we were simply LOOKING. I dont see why we would be looking without the intention to buy? Its not even about a ring its about what it represents Id be happy with a barn brack ring.
So now were in a position where he has shut down completely. He told me that he still was not ready. I am very hurt because to me I feel as though Im being strung along and he wants to keep the option open to eventually leave.
Marriage is very important to me (maybe not a wedding) but the actual marriage part. I find myself in such a contradiction here considering leaving someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with for not wanting to promise to spend his life with me. It sounds ridiculous but I cant help but feel he is keeping his options open. Were still relatively young (28 and 29)
Since Im not getting any response from him I was hoping that maybe some females that were in my situation or males that understand his thought processes can shed some outside light on this situation please. Id really appreciate some impartial opinions

acon2119

I cant shed any light on why he wont get married but I can say that his behavior of shutting down and not discussing anything, and then making out that he dosent know what your talking about with regards to your plans to buy the ring is very damaging long term. All this lack of and poor communication is very damaging and does not promote a healthy relationship long term.

I think it would be wise to get the communication problems sorted out before you marry.

CaraMay

He's being so selfish by not being straight wth you.

He clearly doesn't want to get married op. Why are you the one constantly bringing it up?? He knows what you want and after 12 years you aren't exactly rushing him.

I would set a date in my head eg may 1st and if he doesn't ask you or talk to you about it before then then walk. He's not showing you any respect by treating you like an imbecile. Time to very your self respect back and stop asking this guy to pick you. Time to start asking yourself if he's worth it.

irishgirl19

After 12 years you certainly can't be accused of putting pressure on him.
If you give him an ultimatum just be prepared to follow through with it.
He is showing a complete lack of respect by leading you on and now ignoring you

Markcheese

CaraMay wrote:

He's being so selfish by not being straight wth you.

There's at least two people in every conversation and they dont always remember them the same way...

CaraMay wrote:

He clearly doesn't want to get married op. Why are you the one constantly bringing it up?? He knows what you want and after 12 years you aren't exactly rushing him.

A proper chat about marraige/life options not hints or he knows I want x y z.

CaraMay wrote:

I would set a date in my head eg may 1st and if he doesn't ask you or talk to you about it before then then walk. He's not showing you any respect by treating you like an imbecile. Time to very your self respect back and stop asking this guy to pick you. Time to start asking yourself if he's worth it.

Yeah just walk ! - 12 years of shared life 10 of shared parenting thrown away .. in a huff.
Sort out ye're communication issues ... after that everything else will fall into (or out of) place .

LegacyUser

We did communicate (a little) the other night and I asked him when he thought hed be ready. He said we were still too young and he had no intention of getting married anywhere in the near future. Then said he wasnt going to talk about it in an argument. I hadnt argued, raised my voice, rolled my eyes anything, I simply had an answer every time he offered an excuse

Communication is an issue and I have tried to speak to him about it. Any negativity towards him, he perceives as an attack on him and shuts down. I have tried this in various ways but nothing has worked,

I guess were at an impasse. I dont feel that I can continue this relationship anymore. The lack of a firm timeline and lack of commitment will eventually lead to resentment on my part. If im honest it already has a little.

If we are ever to co parent effectively apart I think we need to have some bit of a good relationship walking away so maybe now is the time before things get any worse.

I must admit Im very embarrassed having spent so long with him and him not wanting to marry me. It does eat away at your confidence.

meeeeh

Op all I can say is that my partner and I are committed (and engaged) to get married for the last ten years. Unfortunately neither of us is overly interested in organizing the whole thing. It could be that the whole marriage isn't overly important to your partner.

Aufbau

You asked him twice to marry you. He said no two years ago and still doesn't want to. What's next - you beg him?

Put the shoe on the other foot. A man asks you to marry him and you say no. A couple of years later he asks again and you say maybe I'll say yes in a few months time. Then in a few months you say hold on, hold on, I dunno.

See how "committed" you would sound? Do you think that man should wait around?

I'm also wondering what are the reasons you never had any other children.

You were very young getting together and becoming parents.

LegacyUser

I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this

Ursus Horribilis

I couldn't help but notice your ages when I read this. The pair of you were parents before you were out of your teens. That's extremely young. I wonder is your partner still with you because things just happened that way. Would I be right in guessing that your son was unplanned and that at some stage after he was born you moved in together? Even though you've said he's a good man and a good father, there seems to be a lack of emotional intimacy here. He shuts down and that makes me wonder how well you truly know him? This "not ready" talk makes me wonder is he truly at peace with the situation he finds himself in. That comment you passed at the start about him not calling when he's away for a week makes me wonder how happy and connected he feels to his family.

LegacyUser

I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this
We were very young but lived together during the pregnancy and thereafter. I agree the things that he does at times leads me to believe he is unhappy but when I ask he always says that he is happy.
Hes a rather strange person to communicate with and his family often ask me how I put up with him (in a loving way). Hes just always been that way and I dont really think its me because he is the same way with his family. Ive never seen him make a call that he didnt need to make

quickq987

OP here
I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this
We were very young but lived together during the pregnancy and thereafter. I agree the things that he does at times leads me to believe he is unhappy but when I ask he always says that he is happy.
Hes a rather strange person to communicate with and his family often ask me how I put up with him (in a loving way). Hes just always been that way and I dont really think its me because he is the same way with his family. Ive never seen him make a call that he didnt need to make

Ursus Horribilis

What do you mean by "no response"? Was it a case of you telling him it was over and him saying OK, just like he might if you said you forgot to buy milk when you were out shopping?

quickq987

Odus fell down wrote: »

What do you mean by "no response"? Was it a case of you telling him it was over and him saying OK, just like he might if you said you forgot to buy milk when you were out shopping?

I mean he didnt acknowledge that I had even said it. So frustrating

Ursus Horribilis

Seriously? You've got the answers you were looking for I'm afraid That you got no meaningful response from him means he's either so emotionally stunted he's incapable of engaging with you or he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your relationship. Do you have any family/friends you can turn to?

Lisha

quickq987 wrote: »

OP here
I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this
We were very young but lived together during the pregnancy and thereafter. I agree the things that he does at times leads me to believe he is unhappy but when I ask he always says that he is happy.
Hes a rather strange person to communicate with and his family often ask me how I put up with him (in a loving way). Hes just always been that way and I dont really think its me because he is the same way with his family. Ive never seen him make a call that he didnt need to make

Do you think it's possible that he might have a communication disorder or even some form of autism?

Sorry if I'm out of line but his family asking you how you put up with him jumped out at me.

For the record I think you did the best thing for yourself by ending it. I wish you all the best going forward. It doesn't really matter why he is as he is. You needed something he was unwilling to give you. So you must do what is best for yourself and start your life for you. Living with an emotionally unavailable person is so so tough. It's a horrible empty life.
Lean and those who want to help you and allow yourself to grieve. I'm with my husband since we were 16, (now 38) so I understand how huge a life change this us for you. Best of luck to you op .

quickq987

Odus fell down wrote: »

Seriously? You've got the answers you were looking for I'm afraid That you got no meaningful response from him means he's either so emotionally stunted he's incapable of engaging with you or he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your relationship. Do you have any family/friends you can turn to?

Thanks for the reply. I have a great family and a fantastic support system im also lucky in that I can afford the house myself. so it will be him that leaves. I dont want to uproot my son so its best if i stay

quickq987

Lisha wrote: »

Do you think it's possible that he might have a communication disorder or even some form of autism?

Sorry if I'm out of line but his family asking you how you put up with him jumped out at me.

For the record I think you did the best thing for yourself by ending it. I wish you all the best going forward. It doesn't really matter why he is as he is. You needed something he was unwilling to give you. So you must do what is best for yourself and start your life for you. Living with an emotionally unavailable person is so so tough. It's a horrible empty life.
Lean and those who want to help you and allow yourself to grieve. I'm with my husband since we were 16, (now 38) so I understand how huge a life change this us for you. Best of luck to you op .

Your not out of line at all. I have considered in the past that maybe he has a mild form of Asperger syndrome (it would have to be very mild as it only seems to be an emotional disconnect) but I never mentioned it to anyone. Even if he does have some form nobody else seems to have noticed and if his parents didnt see an issue there I didnt want to say anything. He does have feelings and emotions and he probably is hurting right now. Its the expression of his feelings that he has trouble with

Lisha

quickq987 wrote: »

Your not out of line at all. I have considered in the past that maybe he has a mild form of Asperger syndrome (it would have to be very mild as it only seems to be an emotional disconnect) but I never mentioned it to anyone. Even if he does have some form nobody else seems to have noticed and if his parents didnt see an issue there I didnt want to say anything. He does have feelings and emotions and he probably is hurting right now. Its the expression of his feelings that he has trouble with

Would it comfort you to look at it this way? It wasn't that he didn't want to marry you but just that he cannot fully emotionally connect with anyone ?
It's not your fault there was nothing you could have done to change the out come. Yiu tried so hard for 10yesrs but he simply cannot give you some thing you need/deserve.

Live your life for you niw, yes your son will take priority but I think you life might get a bit easier now.
Best of luck

magicmushroom

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

Neyite

magicmushroom wrote: »

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

The OP has made it clear its about marriage for her, not a wedding or having a big day out. You could equally argue that if marriage is not a big deal, then why doesn't he just agree to it to make her happy.

But Marriage IS a big deal. Weddings come in all flavours and sizes but legally committing to another person for life is daunting. People come on a thread like this and invariably trot out the 'its only a bit of paper' argument. Its like saying baptising kids into the RCC faith to get into a nearby school is 'only a bit of paper' too.

But it's not about a bit of paper. Marriage conveys legal rights on a family that a co-habiting couple don't have. Inheritance rights, next of kin rights, tax advantages. Marriage is important in the eyes of the law.

OP, you've broken up with him now, you may or may not have him coming back with a proposal once he's had a chance to think about it in order to maintain the status quo.

PinkLemonade

magicmushroom wrote: »

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

The tone of your post is very insensitive given that the OP has just broken up with her OH.

There's no reason the OP should compromise and given her OH wouldn't, and wouldn't even discuss it, that's not a healthy relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

The manner in which he shot her down whenever she brought the subject up is the red flag here. If he didn't believe in marriage he could have discussed it with her in a civil manner and explained his position. My guess is that to him, marriage means tying him into commitments and it's not what he wants. He should have been honest with her instead of turning it into a subject that's not up for discussion.

Lisha

magicmushroom wrote: »

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

Before I was married I didn't believe that marriage mattered at all. We had a house-mortgage together and that for me sealed the deal. But my other half one day said 'next step is marriage so let's do it' I was so surprised it Made a difference to him. But it did.
And after we were married I was shocked to feel more secure and it did matter. It really sealed our place I felt in our extended families. Before his twin sister felt she could dismiss me, now she didn't.
It's a very subtle thing but if that is real to the op then she is entitled to air her views and to have her needs met.

Tbh I think if the ops partner could communicate with her and explain his side it might be different. But he has shut down and shut her out. That's not fair, it's not nice and the op deserves a Lot better.

The most basic expectation in a decent relationship is communication and respect. The op is not being treated with respect Znd I really hope it gets better for her in the long run.

It's a pity the op s partner can't work on his issues, but bottom line is she can't make him. She can only change her own life, she cannot change him.

CaraMay

I agree. No matter how long I'm with my partner, his family will never feel like mine until we are married.

Ursus Horribilis

Also OP if he changes his mind and proposes, be careful how you tread. Leaving aside his reasons for asking, it's worth looking at the bigger picture. Is tying yourself legally to someone like him a good idea? Like his family, I wonder how you've put up with him. You're with him almost half your life so you know no different but really it's a question to be asked. Is he life partner material?

quickq987

Huge thank you for all of the support and comments. It really helps to have a group of people to discuss this with.
I think marriage is important to me in the sense of commitment. Im not really looking for a wedding Id happily just do it in the legal sense.
I have ended things and I do think he will come back with a proposal or agreement to marry but I wont be accepting.
I want a loving relationship where two people want the same thing. Even if marriage is something that I never have I'd like there to be a good reason.
If he had just once given me a legitimate reason other than "im not ready" I would have spoken and perhaps compromised but that didnt happen.
Thank you all again for your encouragement and advice

CaraMay

He probably thinks you are trying to force his hand and will come back thinking he's going you a favour by proposing.

You are right not to settle for second best. He was very immature and clearly emotionally stunted if he can't have a discussion about the future after 12 years.

quickq987

I have a bit of an update.

I asked him to move out, he didn't but he spoke to me later. He told me he knew that he wanted to marry me but he had expected it to eventually just fall into place. He said that "we would make it our business" to go and buy a ring. The thing is I don't know if he's just saying it to keep me happy. I think he thinks he can say that and just go back to the way we were.

I don't want to ask him to move out again, I don't want to fall out with him completely, he's a good guy and a great father. I want us to leave on a good foundation where we can co parent together effectively.

Its just so sad and I hate to hurt him because we have spent so many years together and I do still love him.

Its just a bad situation its all messed up

I dont really know what I'M looking for here maybe I just needed to get it off my chest

Ursus Horribilis

What is it that you want?

Really, if you decide to marry him you shouldn't do so until you iron out the other problems in your relationship. This is about so much more than a ring on a finger but you know that already.

He has got to accept that the way he behaves towards you is out of order and he has to change his ways. Would couples counselling be something you'd consider?

ManOfMystery

There's the danger now that he is saying he will marry you just to calm things down. But then again, there is also the chance that this has given him a wakeup call and he realises what he could be losing.

The only way to sort this really is for you both to sit down and have a calm and civilised discussion about it, and for him to understand that he needs to be 200% honest. He has to want to marry you and mean it. And if his heart isn't in that, or his heart isn't in the relationship, then you can both do things amicably and move on. There's no cheating involved, there's no betrayal, there's just the two of you possibly wanting different things - so no reason to be at each others' throats once the dust has settled.

Neyite

It's actually pretty common that a couple split shortly before an engagement from what I've seen. Out of the marrieds in my family, all of them did briefly. And I know a fair few friends that did too.

Sometimes it takes stepping away for the reluctant partner to realise that they do want to stay with that person. It can be a good thing - for both of you to take some time to reassess your relationship and where you individually want to go from here, then meeting up and seeing if those align.

He may very well have happily drifted along, and only when he saw you were ready to call it quits, got a shock and realised he doesn't want to lose you. Or it could just be a sop. Get engaged and that will keep her content for another while before wedding planning begins. At this stage, you can only trust your gut and go with whatever it is telling you.

So maybe a trial separation might help both of you?

CaraMay

Neyite wrote: »

It's actually pretty common that a couple split shortly before an engagement from what I've seen. Out of the marrieds in my family, all of them did briefly. And I know a fair few friends that did too.

So do I but I don't think it necessarily fixes the problem. IMHO these are the relationships that eventually struggle / breakdown. Well the ones I know are anyway...

I found the guy generally comes back because he gets a shock and then thinks he now wants the wife and family but reality sets in years later and the initial doubts resurface.

No one has a crystal ball op but if he wasn't ready last week then why is he this week? He's putting a plaster on the problem. There are other big issues in the relationship which won't be fixed by a ring.

Ursus Horribilis

Even though you say he's a good man and you love him, what sort of everyday relationship do you have. There seems to be quite an emotional disconnect between the two of you. Is he someone you can turn to and open up about things with? Does he do the same for you? Does he support you and not just in a practical sense? I just wonder have you been coping with things more than you think you have?

I think you really need to sit him down and have an open and frank discussion. And if he starts shutting you down or not listening, tell him out straight that this is the sort of behaviour that will end the relationship.

fungun

tbh Im a bit surprised how quickly you went from asking him to marry you to "I ended it". I think this tells a lot in terms of your underlying frustrations with the inability to communicate over any disagreement. Leaving aside his issues, that is still an awfully large change in behaviour from you.

If you sit down and quietly think of what you want in a husband, is it him?? My underlying feeling from your posts is that it isnt; perhaps you had a child too early, tried to do the right thing and stay together but perhaps you just arent right for each other.

Best of luck either way

quickq987

I guess there are some underlying issues that I do need to address.

I guess I have fears that he will leave. When he moved in it wasn't because he wanted to it was because it was the right thing to do. He still spends a lot more time at his parents house and never changed his address.

Emotionally he's a difficult person as he never talks about issues that he has and if I try to talk about something in the calmest way possible he perceives it as an attack.

I'm worried that all of the commitments he has made thus far have been ones that just fell into place.

I think Im willing to walk away so easily because I'm truly humiliated (I know that's my own fault) but honestly the feeling of wanting to marry someone and having them not entirely feel the same is so humiliating.

Thank you all for your imput I really do appreciate being able to see different perspectives on this and maybe trying to see his point of view. It's also nice to have somebody to talk to in a "get it off my chest" kind of way

Ursus Horribilis

From what you've described here, I'm not seeing too many good ingredients for a happy marriage. Or even a happy relationship. Tell me, are you even happy with that? Honestly? If your son hadn't come along, do you think you'd have split up by now? The word absence keeps coming into my head. That and Doc Martin from the TV series – if you've watched that, you'll have some idea what I'm getting at.

Would I be right in guessing that he has compartmentalised his life? It's interesting that you mentioned him spending so much time with his parents and never changing his address. I wonder would he rather live at home if given the choice? He seems to be “living” with you out of a sense of duty rather something he wants to do. Any men I know who've got partners and children spend the majority of time with their own families, not at home with mammy and daddy.

I don't know what to say to you. It'd be an enormous wrench if he is to leave. Not just for you but for your son. Really though, you would be extremely foolish to marry him while you've got doubts.

quickq987

I guess maybe I "forgot" my doubts in the sense that these things have been going on so long that they just became a part of who we are as a couple.

Maybe I thought marrying him would change this? Maybe I thought this was normal behaviour? Maybe I thought it was the next step? I cant really explain it but I hadn't even considered these issues until the possibility or the lack of the possibility of marriage came up.

We spoke again tonight, he said that when he said he wanted to marry me the other day that he meant in the near future, we spoke a lot or I mean I spoke a lot he answered maybe every 4th question. I just couldn't take it anymore and I told him that in the calmest possible way that I could.

Were at an impasse, hes completely shut down, im exhausted from thinking about this whole situation and I think pp were right. You guys just seemed to see all of these problems before I did

CaraMay

Ah op it's very easy for us to sit here and analyse your relationship from behind s keyboard. The benefit of putting your problems up here is that many people have experienced the same in their own lives and they can see the warning signs that the poster often can't. What we can't see is the nice stuff he does for you and your child and we don't know all positives towards the relationship.

Without trying to patronize, you are both so young and don't have much relationship experience. He's not a bad guy but does seem emotionally immature. I can see why you want the proposal as its a sign that he wants you and that's very understandable. Try not to beat yourself up. You are both good people who have coped fantastically with having a child so young.

Just because he hasn't made the big gesture doesn't mean he doesn't want to. Try and take a step back and see the wood from the trees. Do something nice this weekend as a treat for yourself and see how you feel in a few days.

LegacyUser

Op you've been together 12 years, you have a 10 year old child together and for the majority of that time you have been living together except he still spends a lot of time over at his parents place and never changed his address. Now that the relationship has ended he is not willing to move out of the house you share either. Does he rely on his parents alot is he mothered alot ? I don't think marrying him will solve the massive disconnect that seems to exist in your relationship.

ShaShaBear

To be honest, as harsh as it seems, I feel he is only now having the marriage talk with you because he thinks he will get to keep his current living arrangements. I had a partner very like him in the past. Very much happy to spend every night in my flat but was ultimately a real Mama's Boy. You couldn't win an argument with him because he'd simply refuse to have one. Feelings and future were never discussed to the length I would have needed to discern any possible future.
I broke it off with him after he essentially said he wanted to travel alone but have me waiting when he decided to return. He came back, within an hour, to tell me he had changed his mind and he wanted to stay with me. It took a long, hard think about whether or not this was a "realised what I would be giving up" sort of situation and I ultimately decided it wasn't. I was glad too, as I turned out to be right. He only said that so that he wouldn't be forced to live under his mother's roof and be sexually and socially limited.

iuil1999

I've been in your situation. Eventually got married and was separated a few years after. Waste of money and time.

Taltos

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quickq987

Right now, he wont move out, he wont go to counselling and he wont talk to me.
I'm so frustrated because I wanted to do this in the most amicable way and preserve some sort of a friendship in order to keep a united front parenting.
I asked if he wanted to talk to our son together or would I do it alone and he said neither (one of the only times that he has spoken to me)

He told me that he didn't want to end things but gave no reasons as to why he didn't want to.

I guess I'm just venting now because nothing is resolved, its not ended either I'm just in limbo.

Thank you all for your advice and replies and for sharing experiences. I do know that I need to end it and the impartial views have helped me realise this.

Your a very kind bunch.

Thank you all

Ursus Horribilis

Unfortunately I don't think this is going to end amicably, no matter how you try to dance around the matter. In their own way, those silences are every bit as nasty and as wounding as spoken words. As you're learning, they're a very effective tool for him. And you know, it's not as if you were looking for him to donate an organ or something. You're living together for years. You've got a child. Supposedly you're in love. It shouldn't have been a big deal to go that final step and get married. Clearly it was for him and you've got to wonder why. Just like you've got to wonder why he'd be away for a week and not make contact with home. Why he never changed his address. Why he spends so much time at his parent's house. Why you're with him for so many years and don't appear to have any great insight into what he's thinking or feeling.

What he did regarding your child was about as sh!tty as it gets. By refusing to say anything, he's forcing you to do his dirty work for him. It's sneaky, it's cowardly and it's low. It's also manipulative if you think about it. I think you do need to tell him it's over and stop this limbo for once and for all.

I've no idea how you can go about getting rid of him from the house. I'm going to assume it's a rented one? Maybe you can find information here http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/family_home.html
I suppose you could tell him he's not welcome in the bedroom and that you'll no longer be cooking/cleaning/doing laundry for him. But that'd probably get messy too.

cactusgal

quickq987 wrote: »

Right now, he wont move out, he wont go to counselling and he wont talk to me.

That is really, tough, OP, but please stand your ground. If he isn't willing to work on things (eg, by talking to you, going to counselling, making a concerted effort as a co-partner in your relationship to improve and strengthen your relationship), then he has to move out.

A very close friend of mine has been with her partner for 15 years now. He was always more into her than vice versa, but she was happy enough with him. Until she fell head over heels for someone else. Mr. Someone Else didn't work out, but it was a massive wakeup call to her that her long term relationship was very much lacking. She owns her house, and she felt absolutely awful breaking up with her long-term boyfriend and asking him to move out, but she did it. He took his time moving, but she felt bad for him, so didn't rush him.

Well, his plan worked. Five years on, and he still hasn't moved out. She's not happy with him, but it's like she's given up.

Don't be like her. Stand your ground.

quickq987

Odus fell down wrote: »

Unfortunately I don't think this is going to end amicably, no matter how you try to dance around the matter. In their own way, those silences are every bit as nasty and as wounding as spoken words. As you're learning, they're a very effective tool for him. And you know, it's not as if you were looking for him to donate an organ or something. You're living together for years. You've got a child. Supposedly you're in love. It shouldn't have been a big deal to go that final step and get married. Clearly it was for him and you've got to wonder why. Just like you've got to wonder why he'd be away for a week and not make contact with home. Why he never changed his address. Why he spends so much time at his parent's house. Why you're with him for so many years and don't appear to have any great insight into what he's thinking or feeling.

What he did regarding your child was about as sh!tty as it gets. By refusing to say anything, he's forcing you to do his dirty work for him. It's sneaky, it's cowardly and it's low. It's also manipulative if you think about it. I think you do need to tell him it's over and stop this limbo for once and for all.

I've no idea how you can go about getting rid of him from the house. I'm going to assume it's a rented one? Maybe you can find information here http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/family_home.html
I suppose you could tell him he's not welcome in the bedroom and that you'll no longer be cooking/cleaning/doing laundry for him. But that'd probably get messy too.

I do believe that the silences are the worst thing that he could possibly do to me here, they are awful and extremely damaging.

I asked him one more time to leave and haven't spoken to him since. When I hear his car come in I go to bed. His bags are packed but he just sleeps on the couch and doesnt take them away. I dont know whether this means he loves us and he doesn't want to go or that he thinks Ill eventually get over it and we can go back to the way things were.

I still love him but I agree with pp and have often wondered about the disconnect. This part is killing me because I just don't know what is going on. I cant eat or sleep. I'm exhausted. Its going on so long now that its just draining

Ursus Horribilis

I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns here or this impasse could go on indefinitely. Also, you need to consider what effect this is having on your child - children see more than you think they can. You're going to have to tell him out straight that every single silence and ignored question is edging him further towards the door. That his refusal to talk to you or go to counselling is killing the relationship. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he has to go.

You could argue that he's staying put of love. Or perhaps he's staying because he has nowhere else to go. He probably doesn't want to turn up on his parent's doorstep and have to field the questions they'll be asking. Looking for accommodation is not a pleasant thing either. So sleeping on the sofa is the least worst option.

He also could be waiting this out. If you think about it, this is just a bigger version of how the relationship has operated anyway. In previous times, what has the outcome to his silence been? Has it been you backing down by any chance.

meeeeh

Op, if you are serious about breaking up, it might be you who has to move out. I presume you ate renting so it shouldn't he as complicated.

At the moment he doesn't have to do anything. He just wait it out and force you to act or not. Unfortunately it's always easier to stand still than force action. But if you decided it's over do not drag it out. It will be extremely hard for your son.

intheclouds

This thread is really shocking to me.

This man is bullying you. Its passive aggressive, but its bullying. Its incomprehensible to me that you would ask him to leave and receive silence in return - and that he just refuses to budge. Its completely unreasonable. Its really treating you like your wishes are completely irrelevant.

The answer is obvious to me. Move out yourself. What you are describing re the silences and bullying behaviour is really bad for your child to witness. We learn conflict resolution from our parents. My father used to do the silent treatment. He was a bully too. I have to fight really hard with myself not to retreat into silence to punish my husband in an argument - its learned behaviour.

Its like he is passively aggressively beating you into submission by refusing to move out and being silent. Please leave.

Sunflower 27

I'm late to this thread but have to say you are never going to be happy with a man who ignores you when in a strop. This sort of behaviour is acceptable in a bold child, but in a grown man it is ridiculous.

You deserve far better. For your sake, I'd suggest some counselling and then moving on with your life.

This man has taken you for granted for far too long. It's like you have forgot what it's like to be treated as an equal.

I wish you the best.