Can someone shed some light on this situation please

LegacyUser · 14-02-2016 08:17PM #1

So Im going to go anon for this but I often use the boards

Some back story. Been with my OH 12 years. We have a son who is 10. My partner is a good man and a good father. He makes me laugh, he puts up with my wierdness. There are so many good things that I can say about him but then again there are things that i.e would never call to just say hi even if hes away for a week or so. One of the biggest things is that he shuts down when we disagree on something, he never talks about how he feels. We don't actually argue, we disagree and when we do he shuts down, I never know what hes thinking. Id be happy to talk about the situation and come to a conclusion but when I try he simply ignores me so now I just don't say anything and wait for him to eventually come to me and when he does its basically to tell me that I'm wrong. In all our years together I can count three times he has said the word sorry. Like I said we rarely disagree and it rarely comes to this but it is always what happens.
Anyway I brought up marriage to him 2 years ago and he said that he wasn't ready. I accepted it and thought it would happen given more time. I mentioned it again a few months ago and he said that he was ready and we would get engaged in the next few months when we get a chance i.e have time to go ring shopping etc. So I started looking at rings showing him what I liked etc, he was interested, we spoke a number of times about it and my understanding was that we were going to buy a ring this weekend as we planned a weekend away. The rings that I had chosen were non expensive and financially we are stable. Im not looking for any romantic gesture or some facebook status simply two adults making a decision to spend their lives together.
I mentioned it to him the other day and he said it was all in my head that we hadnt discussed actually getting engaged but that we were simply LOOKING. I dont see why we would be looking without the intention to buy? Its not even about a ring its about what it represents Id be happy with a barn brack ring.
So now were in a position where he has shut down completely. He told me that he still was not ready. I am very hurt because to me I feel as though Im being strung along and he wants to keep the option open to eventually leave.
Marriage is very important to me (maybe not a wedding) but the actual marriage part. I find myself in such a contradiction here considering leaving someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with for not wanting to promise to spend his life with me. It sounds ridiculous but I cant help but feel he is keeping his options open. Were still relatively young (28 and 29)
Since Im not getting any response from him I was hoping that maybe some females that were in my situation or males that understand his thought processes can shed some outside light on this situation please. Id really appreciate some impartial opinions

acon2119 · 14-02-2016 08:59PM

I cant shed any light on why he wont get married but I can say that his behavior of shutting down and not discussing anything, and then making out that he dosent know what your talking about with regards to your plans to buy the ring is very damaging long term. All this lack of and poor communication is very damaging and does not promote a healthy relationship long term.

I think it would be wise to get the communication problems sorted out before you marry.

CaraMay · 14-02-2016 09:03PM

He's being so selfish by not being straight wth you.

He clearly doesn't want to get married op. Why are you the one constantly bringing it up?? He knows what you want and after 12 years you aren't exactly rushing him.

I would set a date in my head eg may 1st and if he doesn't ask you or talk to you about it before then then walk. He's not showing you any respect by treating you like an imbecile. Time to very your self respect back and stop asking this guy to pick you. Time to start asking yourself if he's worth it.

irishgirl19 · 14-02-2016 09:07PM

After 12 years you certainly can't be accused of putting pressure on him.
If you give him an ultimatum just be prepared to follow through with it.
He is showing a complete lack of respect by leading you on and now ignoring you

Markcheese · 14-02-2016 09:17PM

CaraMay wrote:

He's being so selfish by not being straight wth you.

There's at least two people in every conversation and they dont always remember them the same way...

CaraMay wrote:

He clearly doesn't want to get married op. Why are you the one constantly bringing it up?? He knows what you want and after 12 years you aren't exactly rushing him.

A proper chat about marraige/life options not hints or he knows I want x y z.

CaraMay wrote:

I would set a date in my head eg may 1st and if he doesn't ask you or talk to you about it before then then walk. He's not showing you any respect by treating you like an imbecile. Time to very your self respect back and stop asking this guy to pick you. Time to start asking yourself if he's worth it.

Yeah just walk ! - 12 years of shared life 10 of shared parenting thrown away .. in a huff.
Sort out ye're communication issues ... after that everything else will fall into (or out of) place .

LegacyUser · 14-02-2016 09:33PM

We did communicate (a little) the other night and I asked him when he thought hed be ready. He said we were still too young and he had no intention of getting married anywhere in the near future. Then said he wasnt going to talk about it in an argument. I hadnt argued, raised my voice, rolled my eyes anything, I simply had an answer every time he offered an excuse

Communication is an issue and I have tried to speak to him about it. Any negativity towards him, he perceives as an attack on him and shuts down. I have tried this in various ways but nothing has worked,

I guess were at an impasse. I dont feel that I can continue this relationship anymore. The lack of a firm timeline and lack of commitment will eventually lead to resentment on my part. If im honest it already has a little.

If we are ever to co parent effectively apart I think we need to have some bit of a good relationship walking away so maybe now is the time before things get any worse.

I must admit Im very embarrassed having spent so long with him and him not wanting to marry me. It does eat away at your confidence.

meeeeh · 14-02-2016 09:34PM

Op all I can say is that my partner and I are committed (and engaged) to get married for the last ten years. Unfortunately neither of us is overly interested in organizing the whole thing. It could be that the whole marriage isn't overly important to your partner.

Aufbau · 14-02-2016 09:36PM

You asked him twice to marry you. He said no two years ago and still doesn't want to. What's next - you beg him?

Put the shoe on the other foot. A man asks you to marry him and you say no. A couple of years later he asks again and you say maybe I'll say yes in a few months time. Then in a few months you say hold on, hold on, I dunno.

See how "committed" you would sound? Do you think that man should wait around?

I'm also wondering what are the reasons you never had any other children.

You were very young getting together and becoming parents.

LegacyUser · 14-02-2016 09:55PM

I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this

Ursus Horribilis · 14-02-2016 10:00PM

I couldn't help but notice your ages when I read this. The pair of you were parents before you were out of your teens. That's extremely young. I wonder is your partner still with you because things just happened that way. Would I be right in guessing that your son was unplanned and that at some stage after he was born you moved in together? Even though you've said he's a good man and a good father, there seems to be a lack of emotional intimacy here. He shuts down and that makes me wonder how well you truly know him? This "not ready" talk makes me wonder is he truly at peace with the situation he finds himself in. That comment you passed at the start about him not calling when he's away for a week makes me wonder how happy and connected he feels to his family.

LegacyUser · 14-02-2016 10:08PM

I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this
We were very young but lived together during the pregnancy and thereafter. I agree the things that he does at times leads me to believe he is unhappy but when I ask he always says that he is happy.
Hes a rather strange person to communicate with and his family often ask me how I put up with him (in a loving way). Hes just always been that way and I dont really think its me because he is the same way with his family. Ive never seen him make a call that he didnt need to make

quickq987 · 14-02-2016 10:20PM

OP here
I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this
We were very young but lived together during the pregnancy and thereafter. I agree the things that he does at times leads me to believe he is unhappy but when I ask he always says that he is happy.
Hes a rather strange person to communicate with and his family often ask me how I put up with him (in a loving way). Hes just always been that way and I dont really think its me because he is the same way with his family. Ive never seen him make a call that he didnt need to make

Ursus Horribilis · 14-02-2016 10:27PM

What do you mean by "no response"? Was it a case of you telling him it was over and him saying OK, just like he might if you said you forgot to buy milk when you were out shopping?

quickq987 · 14-02-2016 10:31PM

Odus fell down wrote: »

What do you mean by "no response"? Was it a case of you telling him it was over and him saying OK, just like he might if you said you forgot to buy milk when you were out shopping?

I mean he didnt acknowledge that I had even said it. So frustrating

Ursus Horribilis · 14-02-2016 10:37PM

Seriously? You've got the answers you were looking for I'm afraid

That you got no meaningful response from him means he's either so emotionally stunted he's incapable of engaging with you or he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your relationship. Do you have any family/friends you can turn to?

Lisha · 14-02-2016 10:38PM

quickq987 wrote: »

OP here
I ended things - no response. Its just so difficult when you tell someone something like that and they choose to ignore what youve said. we will never agree on this issue and id like to end things while we still have respect for each other so we can co parent effectively.
Its awful but I need to do this
We were very young but lived together during the pregnancy and thereafter. I agree the things that he does at times leads me to believe he is unhappy but when I ask he always says that he is happy.
Hes a rather strange person to communicate with and his family often ask me how I put up with him (in a loving way). Hes just always been that way and I dont really think its me because he is the same way with his family. Ive never seen him make a call that he didnt need to make

Do you think it's possible that he might have a communication disorder or even some form of autism?

Sorry if I'm out of line but his family asking you how you put up with him jumped out at me.

For the record I think you did the best thing for yourself by ending it. I wish you all the best going forward. It doesn't really matter why he is as he is. You needed something he was unwilling to give you. So you must do what is best for yourself and start your life for you. Living with an emotionally unavailable person is so so tough. It's a horrible empty life.
Lean and those who want to help you and allow yourself to grieve. I'm with my husband since we were 16, (now 38) so I understand how huge a life change this us for you. Best of luck to you op .

quickq987 · 14-02-2016 10:58PM

Odus fell down wrote: »

Seriously? You've got the answers you were looking for I'm afraid That you got no meaningful response from him means he's either so emotionally stunted he's incapable of engaging with you or he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your relationship. Do you have any family/friends you can turn to?

Thanks for the reply. I have a great family and a fantastic support system im also lucky in that I can afford the house myself. so it will be him that leaves. I dont want to uproot my son so its best if i stay

quickq987 · 14-02-2016 11:03PM

Lisha wrote: »

Do you think it's possible that he might have a communication disorder or even some form of autism?

Sorry if I'm out of line but his family asking you how you put up with him jumped out at me.

For the record I think you did the best thing for yourself by ending it. I wish you all the best going forward. It doesn't really matter why he is as he is. You needed something he was unwilling to give you. So you must do what is best for yourself and start your life for you. Living with an emotionally unavailable person is so so tough. It's a horrible empty life.
Lean and those who want to help you and allow yourself to grieve. I'm with my husband since we were 16, (now 38) so I understand how huge a life change this us for you. Best of luck to you op .

Your not out of line at all. I have considered in the past that maybe he has a mild form of Asperger syndrome (it would have to be very mild as it only seems to be an emotional disconnect) but I never mentioned it to anyone. Even if he does have some form nobody else seems to have noticed and if his parents didnt see an issue there I didnt want to say anything. He does have feelings and emotions and he probably is hurting right now. Its the expression of his feelings that he has trouble with

Lisha · 14-02-2016 11:09PM

quickq987 wrote: »

Your not out of line at all. I have considered in the past that maybe he has a mild form of Asperger syndrome (it would have to be very mild as it only seems to be an emotional disconnect) but I never mentioned it to anyone. Even if he does have some form nobody else seems to have noticed and if his parents didnt see an issue there I didnt want to say anything. He does have feelings and emotions and he probably is hurting right now. Its the expression of his feelings that he has trouble with

Would it comfort you to look at it this way? It wasn't that he didn't want to marry you but just that he cannot fully emotionally connect with anyone ?
It's not your fault there was nothing you could have done to change the out come. Yiu tried so hard for 10yesrs but he simply cannot give you some thing you need/deserve.

Live your life for you niw, yes your son will take priority but I think you life might get a bit easier now.
Best of luck

magicmushroom · 15-02-2016 04:13PM

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

Neyite · 15-02-2016 04:49PM

magicmushroom wrote: »

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

The OP has made it clear its about marriage for her, not a wedding or having a big day out. You could equally argue that if marriage is not a big deal, then why doesn't he just agree to it to make her happy.

But Marriage IS a big deal. Weddings come in all flavours and sizes but legally committing to another person for life is daunting. People come on a thread like this and invariably trot out the 'its only a bit of paper' argument. Its like saying baptising kids into the RCC faith to get into a nearby school is 'only a bit of paper' too.

But it's not about a bit of paper. Marriage conveys legal rights on a family that a co-habiting couple don't have. Inheritance rights, next of kin rights, tax advantages. Marriage is important in the eyes of the law.

OP, you've broken up with him now, you may or may not have him coming back with a proposal once he's had a chance to think about it in order to maintain the status quo.

PinkLemonade · 15-02-2016 04:57PM

magicmushroom wrote: »

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

The tone of your post is very insensitive given that the OP has just broken up with her OH.

There's no reason the OP should compromise and given her OH wouldn't, and wouldn't even discuss it, that's not a healthy relationship.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-02-2016 05:09PM

The manner in which he shot her down whenever she brought the subject up is the red flag here. If he didn't believe in marriage he could have discussed it with her in a civil manner and explained his position. My guess is that to him, marriage means tying him into commitments and it's not what he wants. He should have been honest with her instead of turning it into a subject that's not up for discussion.

Lisha · 15-02-2016 05:17PM

magicmushroom wrote: »

Why is getting married so important?

You have a home together, a child...you must be happy and in love otherwise you wouldn't want to marry him at all - what difference would a piece of paper make?

Do you feel that you need to have a party with all of your friends whilst you wear a white dress and hold a bunch of flowers, in order to feel that the relationship is something else?
Or do you think that being his wife will suddenly make him more open to talking about things?

I'm sorry if I sound mean but I just don't get what difference it makes?
Honestly, marrying him won't solve any issues you have.

If he doesn't want to do it then maybe you could just learn to respect that and be happy with what you have...a lot of people have an awful lot less than you, having a good relationship and a happy, healthy child is a blessing and you want to throw it all away because he won't sign a legal document.

Before I was married I didn't believe that marriage mattered at all. We had a house-mortgage together and that for me sealed the deal. But my other half one day said 'next step is marriage so let's do it' I was so surprised it Made a difference to him. But it did.
And after we were married I was shocked to feel more secure and it did matter. It really sealed our place I felt in our extended families. Before his twin sister felt she could dismiss me, now she didn't.
It's a very subtle thing but if that is real to the op then she is entitled to air her views and to have her needs met.

Tbh I think if the ops partner could communicate with her and explain his side it might be different. But he has shut down and shut her out. That's not fair, it's not nice and the op deserves a Lot better.

The most basic expectation in a decent relationship is communication and respect. The op is not being treated with respect Znd I really hope it gets better for her in the long run.

It's a pity the op s partner can't work on his issues, but bottom line is she can't make him. She can only change her own life, she cannot change him.

CaraMay · 15-02-2016 05:26PM

I agree. No matter how long I'm with my partner, his family will never feel like mine until we are married.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-02-2016 06:02PM

Also OP if he changes his mind and proposes, be careful how you tread. Leaving aside his reasons for asking, it's worth looking at the bigger picture. Is tying yourself legally to someone like him a good idea? Like his family, I wonder how you've put up with him. You're with him almost half your life so you know no different but really it's a question to be asked. Is he life partner material?

quickq987 · 16-02-2016 06:55PM

Huge thank you for all of the support and comments. It really helps to have a group of people to discuss this with.
I think marriage is important to me in the sense of commitment. Im not really looking for a wedding Id happily just do it in the legal sense.
I have ended things and I do think he will come back with a proposal or agreement to marry but I wont be accepting.
I want a loving relationship where two people want the same thing. Even if marriage is something that I never have I'd like there to be a good reason.
If he had just once given me a legitimate reason other than "im not ready" I would have spoken and perhaps compromised but that didnt happen.
Thank you all again for your encouragement and advice

CaraMay · 16-02-2016 07:00PM

He probably thinks you are trying to force his hand and will come back thinking he's going you a favour by proposing.

You are right not to settle for second best. He was very immature and clearly emotionally stunted if he can't have a discussion about the future after 12 years.

quickq987 · 18-02-2016 12:24AM

I have a bit of an update.

I asked him to move out, he didn't but he spoke to me later. He told me he knew that he wanted to marry me but he had expected it to eventually just fall into place. He said that "we would make it our business" to go and buy a ring. The thing is I don't know if he's just saying it to keep me happy. I think he thinks he can say that and just go back to the way we were.

I don't want to ask him to move out again, I don't want to fall out with him completely, he's a good guy and a great father. I want us to leave on a good foundation where we can co parent together effectively.

Its just so sad and I hate to hurt him because we have spent so many years together and I do still love him.

Its just a bad situation its all messed up

I dont really know what I'M looking for here maybe I just needed to get it off my chest

Ursus Horribilis · 18-02-2016 12:33AM

What is it that you want?

Really, if you decide to marry him you shouldn't do so until you iron out the other problems in your relationship. This is about so much more than a ring on a finger but you know that already.

He has got to accept that the way he behaves towards you is out of order and he has to change his ways. Would couples counselling be something you'd consider?

ManOfMystery · 18-02-2016 09:38AM

There's the danger now that he is saying he will marry you just to calm things down. But then again, there is also the chance that this has given him a wakeup call and he realises what he could be losing.

The only way to sort this really is for you both to sit down and have a calm and civilised discussion about it, and for him to understand that he needs to be 200% honest. He has to want to marry you and mean it. And if his heart isn't in that, or his heart isn't in the relationship, then you can both do things amicably and move on. There's no cheating involved, there's no betrayal, there's just the two of you possibly wanting different things - so no reason to be at each others' throats once the dust has settled.

Can someone shed some light on this situation please

Comments