No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

matrim · 08-02-2016 10:27AM

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

From one of the OPs other posts it's not just this neice. If this one neice is invited then around 25 other neices and nephews have to be invited too.

jeamimus · 08-02-2016 10:30AM

CaraMay wrote: »

This is what happens when parents cant say no to their kids. God he is an ignoramous. Its up to your fiancé to sort this out. His kin, his problem.

Maybe. Might also be that he doesn't want the hassle of arranging a babysitter.

kunst nugget · 08-02-2016 10:32AM

jeamimus wrote: »

Maybe. Might also be that he doesn't want the hassle of arranging a babysitter.

She's hardly going to need a babysitter at sixteen…

theoldbreed · 08-02-2016 10:33AM

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

2) your OH's daughter going to her daddy's wedding isn't questionable in the slightest and, even though I disagree with not inviting the niece, for the brother to equate the two is bang out of order.

It's got nothing to do with rank and there is no pecking order . No other nieces and nephews were invited and there is one a little older. No issues anywhere else.

My stepdaughter wasn't invited to his and other nieces and nephews were but that has nothing to do with our decision. That would be pretty petty.

What I have realised is it doesn't really matter what you or he or anyone else thinks, it was a decision we made and it was never intended to cause offence. He doesn't have to go if he feels that strongly about it but we certainly won't let him dictate what we should and shouldn't do. I hadn't seen him since last March and he has a go at me in the car after I've gone to pick him up. No. I am glad I put him out of the car, I almost felt guilty about that yesterday but not now.

I'm thinking more clearly this morning, I've had some sleep and chatted with my OH. We feel comfortable with our decision and if people choose to be offended by it that is their choice.

eviltwin · 08-02-2016 10:39AM

I think you should invite his wife to the hens. It's a nice gesture to include future family and a way to get to know her better .

theoldbreed · 08-02-2016 10:47AM

Waylon Obnoxious Tutorial wrote: »

Are other future in-laws invited to the hen?
If they are and she's not, the problem could be there.

No, no other future in laws. I am not really that close to them to be honest and I don't want to invite people for the sake of it.

CaraMay · 08-02-2016 10:54AM

I would love to know how he got home after being booted out of the car (you were right by the way)

Hopd it teaches him some manners.

Babysitter for a 16 year old? Come on...

CaraMay · 08-02-2016 10:54AM

I would love to know how he got home after being booted out of the car (you were right by the way)

Hopd it teaches him some manners.

Babysitter for a 16 year old? Come on...

jennyhayes123 · 08-02-2016 11:07AM

I thought the bil was an ass from the start. How dare he expect that his daughter be invited. Your wedding, your rules. But when you said that he didn't even invite your step daughter to his wedding!!!! Omg how can he have the shame to even kick up a fuss.
Sounds like a real man though, doesn't have the balls to say it sober.
I'm so glad we went away to get married without any family bar our own kids. Had a party afterwards at night so we didn't let any kids come. We were the worst in the world but at the end of the day it was a party with alcohol served and it's not the place for kids.
I still from time to time get nasty jibes about why didn't we have it at home etc but when I look at some of there relationships I think at least I'm happily married, said people aren't even married....
Anyways my point is the important thing is your happy ever after, not that you didn't want kids there

retro:electro · 08-02-2016 11:07AM

theoldbreed wrote: »

No, no other future in laws. I am not really that close to them to be honest and I don't want to invite people for the sake of it.

Is your fiancée close to them?

deisemum · 08-02-2016 11:35AM

OP has this niece got younger siblings?

theoldbreed · 08-02-2016 11:36AM

deisemum wrote: »

OP has this niece got younger siblings?

Yes two younger siblings.

theoldbreed · 08-02-2016 11:37AM

anna080 wrote: »

Is your fiancée close to them?

He wouldn't see them regularly, texts every so often and meet for drinks at Christmas etc

wehuntmonsters · 08-02-2016 12:04PM

As nice as it is for kids meeting and being surrounded by relatives, they still shouldn't be brought to a wedding.

Like some other posters have said, most Irish weddings turn into big piss ups. I am also a child of alcoholic parents and I too spent nearly most of my childhood being dragged into nearly every pub that Louth has/had to offer. The same went for weddings, we'd be left in the corner while all the relatives got so drunk they couldn't even walk. Not to mention my mother made a show of herself, me included (that was just because I was embarrassed to be related to her). Fights or arguments nearly always break out and when they do, children have a tendency to be nervous or get upset. There is also the case of parents not leaving until after 4 a.m, not caring whether their child is wrecked or nowhere to be seen.

Family events in which children are included should be held during the day and without alcohol. Now I know not everyone that brings their child to a wedding is as bad as my memories are, but a big percentage are.

fed up sick and tired · 08-02-2016 12:12PM

wehuntmonsters wrote: »

Family events in which children are included should be held during the day and without alcohol.

I agree 100% with this.

Fact - there's no law that says a wedding can't be held during the day and without alcohol.

Thank you for sharing your experiences as a child. It's possibly more intense than the norm, but I'd say a lot of us can relate to it to some degree.

Stealthfins · 08-02-2016 12:26PM

It all depends on the wedding.
My idea of a wedding would be a quirky marquee in a dry meadow during the summer time.

Maybe a real pagan style event.

Maybe around 60 to 80guests,elderly,my siblings their kid's my teenager and immediate friends.

Something like a cross between a 70's to mid eighties dancing at the crossroads thing,and a Celtic pagan theme.

Hence I'm 40 and still single lol

Gatica · 08-02-2016 12:32PM

He was drunk and said something stupid. No excuse, but a reason I suppose. Hopefully he'll sober up and regret it. I'd just leave it be too. If he comes or doesn't come is his own business. Be the bigger person and just let sleeping dogs lie. Trying to punish him for it is only going to leave things sour with your OH as well then, they'll hopefully realise their own stupidity; if not, there's probably not much you could've done by telling them off either.

Sure, a 16 year old may have been looking forward to dressing up and heading out to the wedding, but so what. She wasn't invited, so suck it up. At least you're using a blanket rule, so they can't begrudge that (immediate family always being the exception).

eviltwin wrote: »

I wouldn't leave a 16 yr old alone late at night or possibly overnight. It's old enough not to be disruptive at a wedding but not necessarily to be alone late at night.

If you can't trust a 16 year old to be able to look after themselves for an evening, then they're probably not fit to attend a formal function either. I'm sure legally speaking children can be left alone at a much younger age, not saying it should be done as young as that, but at 16 surely they can microwave a meal, stick on a movie, put on own pyjamas and go to bed when tired... :rolleyes: even my 4 year old nephew can put on his own clothes now, LOL

Also, inviting under 18's to a wedding, isn't going to cost a child's meal. A 16 year old is unlikely to want to eat mini burgers or goujons like a 5 year old. They'll want to be treated like an adult, have a proper adult's meal and maybe even sneak a toast... so the whole "it's not gonna cost much to invite them" is rubbish. Also, the 16 year old themselves will probably be mortified to be given a kid's meal at an adults table, or worse, to be at a kid's table with the kid's meal; they'll probably far more likely then prefer to be at home, not enduring that embarrassment.

Ann22 · 08-02-2016 12:32PM

We were in the same boat. We' were limited to numbers. However none of the people who sulked cos we just allowed the eldest of each nephew/niece at it bothered to go to my father's funeral the year before. Funny that. They were keener to go to the wedding and take their kids with them to save them finding a babysitter. I've no time for this argument . You are 100% right. Its your day

deisemum · 08-02-2016 01:02PM

One thing I've noticed about a lot of parents who kick up a fuss about bringing their children to weddings is that they're the very parents who generally ignore them at the reception as they're the ones drinking the most and leaving other guests to watch out for their children who are usually the ones running around annoying other guests.

alcea · 08-02-2016 01:34PM

theoldbreed wrote: »

Very true and that's the approach I will take.

Just as a matter of interest, the next time I see him and there has been no attempt to apologise etc how should I act? My gut is saying just be civil but don't engage with him any longer than I need to.

As my mother would say "say nothing and keep saying it, but smile - for as long as you are smiling, they will never know what you are thinking".

I get the feeling that your bil was just picking an argument with you both, if his daughter had been invited he would have picked an argument about something else.

Best of luck with your wedding day.

clint_silver · 08-02-2016 01:49PM

alcea wrote: »

As my mother would say "say nothing and keep saying it, but smile - for as long as you are smiling, they will never know what you are thinking".

I get the feeling that your bil was just picking an argument with you both, if his daughter had been invited he would have picked an argument about something else.

Best of luck with your wedding day.

Ive only read the first and last page here. If it was me or my wife, he'd be told he was uninvited if there wasnt an apology very quickly forthcoming (and without being requested of him).

Nothing to do with his thoughts on whether he agrees with you on whether you want kids at your wedding, its just him and his treatment of you. He's tried to make you feel bad about yourself. Lifes too short for dealing with people like that.

Pawwed Rig · 08-02-2016 02:47PM

wehuntmonsters wrote: »

Like some other posters have said, most Irish weddings turn into big piss ups. I am also a child of alcoholic parents and I too spent nearly most of my childhood being dragged into nearly every pub that Louth has/had to offer. The same went for weddings, we'd be left in the corner while all the relatives got so drunk they couldn't even walk. Not to mention my mother made a show of herself, me included (that was just because I was embarrassed to be related to her). Fights or arguments nearly always break out and when they do, children have a tendency to be nervous or get upset. There is also the case of parents not leaving until after 4 a.m, not caring whether their child is wrecked or nowhere to be seen.

Family events in which children are included should be held during the day and without alcohol. Now I know not everyone that brings their child to a wedding is as bad as my memories are, but a big percentage are.

Sounds horrific but you realise that this is not most peoples experience right? There is no harm in children being around responsible adults during social events who are drinking alcohol. Sounds like a lot of people here are deciding that the behaviour of the irresponsible few is the norm.
If inviting irresponsible people to a wedding then these issues will surely arise. I, for one, have never seen a fight at a wedding and I have been to many.
The hassle these things cause you'd wonder why people bother.

retro:electro · 08-02-2016 03:05PM

Even if he does decide to attend, I would feel very uncomfortable having him there after what he said about your step daughter's friend. What a vile remark about a young girl. He sounds absolutely horrible.
Who wants someone as intolerant and volatile as him at their wedding?

wehuntmonsters · 08-02-2016 03:24PM

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Sounds horrific but you realise that this is not most peoples experience right?

If I remember correctly, I said that this isn't common for everyone and that not all adults are the same but quite a few boards members have had similar experience.

clint_silver · 08-02-2016 03:51PM

wehuntmonsters wrote: »

If I remember correctly, I said that this isn't common for everyone and that not all adults are the same but quite a few boards members have had similar experience.

Ive worked at somewhere between 800-1000 weddings. I can only remember 1 wedding ever where kids were let loose to do what they want. Sure theres some where kids scoot over the dancefloor but this isnt that bad. So for me it just doesnt happen or so rarely for it not to be a problem.

Ive only ever seen 2 fights. 1 of those was handbags between 2 fellas, other one was grooms mother demanding more drink from a closed bar and wouldnt let it go and threw a glass at a waiter. Nice.

Ken Masters · 08-02-2016 04:14PM

This is a subject that could go on and on and on and it can get personal too as we see in this Case, Weddings are planned months in advanced so by the time the wedding comes people will be aware that there be no kids so the arrangements can be made to get them minded etc., if they cant get a sitter thats though **** IMO, I can only imagine the stress of having to put up with people moaning , why cant they just accept it, it's 1 Day for god sake, if they throw their dummies out of the Pram and say " i wont be going" do you really need gob****es like this at your wedding in the first place? They should be only focused on what you 2 want on your wedding Day and not theirs, there's a sense of selfishness in this as well, Enjoy the Day!

CaraMay · 08-02-2016 04:23PM

deisemum wrote: »

One thing I've noticed about a lot of parents who kick up a fuss about bringing their children to weddings is that they're the very parents who generally ignore them at the reception as they're the ones drinking the most and leaving other guests to watch out for their children who are usually the ones running around annoying other guests.

I agree. Why pay for a babysitter when you can go get plastered and there are 200 people there to prize little Johnny off the speakers.

kunst nugget · 08-02-2016 04:30PM

CaraMay wrote: »

I agree. Why pay for a babysitter when you can go get plastered and there are 200 people there to prize little Johnny off the speakers.

Can't say I've ever seen that tbh. I must have very tame friends…

intheclouds · 08-02-2016 04:44PM

clint_silver wrote: »

Ive worked at somewhere between 800-1000 weddings. I can only remember 1 wedding ever where kids were let loose to do what they want. Sure theres some where kids scoot over the dancefloor but this isnt that bad. So for me it just doesnt happen or so rarely for it not to be a problem.

Perhaps your definition of "let loose to do what they want" is different to mine?

I dont want to see kids when Im drinking. I dont want to hear them whinging because they are bored, I dont want to see them chasing each other, scooting over the dancefloor in danger of being badly hurt by very drunk uncoordinated adult dancers, I dont want to have them dashing into me and knocking over drinks etc...

Pawwed Rig · 08-02-2016 04:53PM

kunst nugget wrote: »

Can't say I've ever seen that tbh. I must have very tame friends…

Me too. No wedding I have ever attended had any of the things that posters here are stating as common fact. I have never seen a fight at a wedding nor feral kids running around in the early hours. Once I heard of a really drunk guy verbally abusing another guest but he was put in his place sharpish by everyone else. A sheltered life I must lead.

No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

Comments