No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

fits · 07-02-2016 05:05PM

It depends on the family and the stage people are at too. 15 years ago a wedding in our family would have been a mad piss up cos there were no young kids and the aunts and uncles were still middle aged.

Nowadays, they are getting elderly and there are lots of young children (not toddlers though, they can be a pita) and Id see a wedding as much more of a family day than a piss up. Very few people really got drunk at our wedding, it was a relaxed family affair and was over early enough too. Completely different to my sister's wedding fifteen years ago.

fits · 07-02-2016 05:05PM

It depends on the family and the stage people are at too. 15 years ago a wedding in our family would have been a mad piss up cos there were no young kids and the aunts and uncles were still middle aged.

Nowadays, they are getting elderly and there are lots of young children (not toddlers though, they can be a pita) and Id see a wedding as much more of a family day than a piss up. Very few people really got drunk at our wedding, it was a relaxed family affair and was over early enough too. Completely different to my sister's wedding fifteen years ago.

solerina · 07-02-2016 05:10PM

I wouldn't even have gone into a conversation with your future idiot bil, it's your wedding your choice.....END OF !!!

Skibunny77 · 07-02-2016 05:28PM

Parents who insist on being offended when their children aren't invited to weddings are so annoying - and I say that as someone who comes from a large family who have always included children in our many weddings. That said, none of us would take offence if someone in the family chose to getting married minus the children. Have your own wedding day as you would like it and let others do the same! OP, I would take the moral high ground on this one. Be pleasant but firm. Your brother in law is in your life, for life, so in the long room, civility is the way to go - if only for your future husband's sake.

freshpopcorn · 07-02-2016 05:46PM

To me weddings are about two families coming together with a few close friends and kids would be important at family weddings in my family.
However I do believe you just go along with what other people want and you don't make a fuss out of it.
If kids aren't invited and you can't afford a baby sitter you don't go. If it's in Malta and you can't afford to go. You simply don't go. Etc.

jluv · 07-02-2016 05:52PM

Firstly I feel so bad for you that after staying in all night, minding your own business and were then so good to pick them up that you had to be subjected to that nonsense. An apology for that in itself is due!
Every family is different in feelings to children at weddings. I have no issue with either choice. I personally would not have brought my kids when young as I had very few opportunities to be "me" instead of "mom" and loved the chance to get dressed up and "away" for the day (and hopefully night!)
My 8 year old niece was extremely upset that she couldnt be at my sons 21st party as we do tend to celebrate birthdays together (we did have a family dinner but hoiw dare we have a party without her!lol
The comment on your OH daughter and her friend would actually be the breaking point for me..one step too far IMO.
I hope his wife is giving him extreme grief while his head is banging today:D

uck51js9zml2yt · 07-02-2016 06:06PM

theoldbreed wrote: »

Hi again,
Thank you all for your advice. Just to answer a few things, my step daughter is coming and is bringing a friend. Why shouldn't she have a plus one? We sent her a proper invite to make her feel special. She loved it.
I get people saying they couldn't not have nieces and nephews at their wedding. Grand, I don't have an opinion on that, I respect it's your wedding to do what you wish.
So what if we have invited some friends from work, they aren't kids. I'm very close to them. My OH has surfaced and has apologised on his brother's behalf, he didn't have to. He is still okay with our original plan.
I just feel like why should we have to justify our lives and decisions to anyone. I must add, and I only heard this today, that my step daughter wasn't at said brother's wedding when they got married about ten years ago. There were kids at that wedding. This reinforces my decision. It's a shame he went about it the way he did but he has shown his true colours and if he doesn't come, that's his choice.

Well said

I wonder do Those who think your future step daughter isn't a justifiable exception have kids.
Of course it's vital for her to be at the wedding of her dad and future step mother and she's entitled to a plus 1. What kid wants to be with adults all day!
I wouldn't get into any more conversations with the brother in law about it.
If he doesn't like it, its his problem. If he isn't coming to the wedding grand.
I had 2_siblings who refused to come to my wedding. We still enjoyed our day. One of them have us a wedding present 12 months later( its stuck in a press somewhere)

Miaireland · 07-02-2016 06:26PM

Op, I am sorry that you are going through something like this so soon to your wedding. Your brother in law to be sounds like a piece of work.

I ma glad that you and your husband to be have decided to let thing stand and have your wedding the way you want. How dare he question why your step daughter is going to the wedding.

Could I just suggest given your brother in law to be behaviour that you have someone on standby at the wedding to calm him down/remove him from the wedding if he starts kicking off. Make sure your husband to be has very strong words with him before the wedding warning him a repeat of his crap will not be tolerated.

Miaireland · 07-02-2016 06:26PM

Op, I am sorry that you are going through something like this so soon to your wedding. Your brother in law to be sounds like a piece of work.

I ma glad that you and your husband to be have decided to let thing stand and have your wedding the way you want. How dare he question why your step daughter is going to the wedding.

Could I just suggest given your brother in law to be behaviour that you have someone on standby at the wedding to calm him down/remove him from the wedding if he starts kicking off. Make sure your husband to be has very strong words with him before the wedding warning him a repeat of his crap will not be tolerated.

hollymartins · 07-02-2016 06:55PM

Your brother-in-law sounds obnoxious, especially his snide comment about a teenage girl! When I was growing up very rarely were we invited to weddings and if we were my parents still left us at home as they knew a wedding could be a very long day for children (and I'm sure they didn't want to be minding us all night)

While a 16 year old may not fall into the same category as younger relatives who may need babysitting and get cranky as the day progresses I think it's understandable that you drew the line if you both have numerous nieces and nephews. I had one child at my wedding, my 2 year old nephew, but only because he was the only nephew/niece on either side.

I don't understand why people get offended if their children aren't invited, would they not want a childfree night? It's up to the bride and groom what kind of wedding they want, and children may not be a part of it. Personally after going to so many weddings over the years I wouldn't mind using children as an excuse not to go!

caille · 07-02-2016 07:17PM

OP, the best advice I can give you is to stick to your guns and have your wedding the way YOU want it.

Before I got married, a very wise and long married friend told me that no matter what you do for your wedding, someone, somewhere, is going to be offended or insulted, so you may as well have your wedding day exactly as you want. Because those same people, six months on, won't even remember what it was that they were worked up about it, whereas you could mostly likely still be regretting that you didn't do this or that as you had wanted and had let muppets dictate to you.

I took my friends advice and can honestly say that my wedding day was the best and happiest day of my life, I wouldn't change a single thing about it. I did everything exactly as I wanted and even my husband still says how special that day was and how everything went so well. But I am convinced that that was only due to him having a happy bride who had organised everything the way she wanted!

People are so pass remarkable and too willing to stick their oars in and cause hassle. You concentrate on your fiance and your wedding and do things the way you want, I promise you, everyone else will fall into line.

theoldbreed · 07-02-2016 09:31PM

Brother in law contacted my OH earlier to ask would he help him with something during week. No mention of anything that happened. I can whistle for an apology. I won't push anything but he has shown his true self to me. Luckily I don't have much to do with him.

Malari · 07-02-2016 09:36PM

Was he so drunk he doesn't remember, I wonder?!

Pawwed Rig · 07-02-2016 09:43PM

theoldbreed wrote: »

Brother in law contacted my OH earlier to ask would he help him with something during week. No mention of anything that happened. I can whistle for an apology. I won't push anything but he has shown his true self to me. Luckily I don't have much to do with him.

Maybe he wants to talk to him face to face rather than electronically.

podger456 · 07-02-2016 09:45PM

He sounds like a right knuckle dragger OP, with his attack on you and his vile comments about the daughter's friend I wouldn't want him anywhere near my wedding. If he does go I'd have some people on standby to shut him down straight away and remove him if he tries anything at the wedding.

jluv · 07-02-2016 09:50PM

theoldbreed wrote: »

Brother in law contacted my OH earlier to ask would he help him with something during week. No mention of anything that happened. I can whistle for an apology. I won't push anything but he has shown his true self to me. Luckily I don't have much to do with him.

He's just testing the water to see if he's done any damage...ask your OH to delay his response..let him sweat..

He can still reply tomorrow...I know..i'm such a woman:D

molly09 · 07-02-2016 09:52PM

It sounds like brother in law is feeling sheepish and wants to meet your OH face to face to apologise in his own weird way. Op I hope you, your hubby to be and your step daughter have a lovely wedding day filled with lots of laughs and dancing. After brother in law contacted your OH today looking for help it's looking like he will be going to the wedding and hopefully his wife will make sure he does not get drunk. What he was saying didn't even make sense so try and ignore him and enjoy what will no doubt be the best day of your life.

pconn062 · 07-02-2016 09:56PM

We are currently planning our wedding and I want no kids at it at all, but my OH wants to bring a few nieces and nephews. So we've compromised, the civil ceremony will have no kids in attendance, however some will be invited to the party. Ours is slightly different as the reception is a very casual party in my OH's parents house, so kids running round won't be so much of an issue. People with kids can sometimes be blind to how irritating they can be some times. I was at a family wedding recently where the ceremony was ruined by one child screaming and shouting through the entire thing. The parents just sat there and let him get on with it, taking the good out of it for everyone else.

meeeeh · 07-02-2016 10:01PM

podger456 wrote: »

He sounds like a right knuckle dragger OP, with his attack on you and his vile comments about the daughter's friend I wouldn't want him anywhere near my wedding. If he does go I'd have some people on standby to shut him down straight away and remove him if he tries anything at the wedding.

That kind of attitude actually causes long running feuds in the family.

If it was me, I would ignore the tantrums, if they come to the wedding fine and if they don't it's fine too. Let them sulk in some corner but don't ponder to their demands or pleade with them to come to the wedding either. It's very hard to make a scene if the other party doesn't engage.

amdublin · 07-02-2016 10:16PM

pconn062 wrote: »

We are currently planning our wedding and I want no kids at it at all, but my OH wants to bring a few nieces and nephews. So we've compromised, the civil ceremony will have no kids in attendance, however some will be invited to the party. Ours is slightly different as the reception is a very casual party in my OH's parents house, so kids running round won't be so much of an issue.

Sounds lovely!

Spanish Eyes · 07-02-2016 11:23PM

Weddings huh?

So what did OP's Fiance have to say about the matter? That is missing from the missives! Or maybe I just missed it myself...

Anyway, I wish I had kids. Really do. Sorry, but if I was invited to a wedding and the kids (that I don't have lol) were NOT invited it would be a great way of dodging the gig.

OP we need to hear what your beloved has to say about his brother's views. That is going to be the key, when he has sobered up after the Stags.

Weddings are the cause of much misery sometimes. I said SOMETIMES.

But to OP, I hope it all works out, and there is no family breakup drama llama.

What about the Hens? Is the sister in law going? That could be another fun night!

Anyway congratulations, hope it all works out, and you have a fab day. Just ignore the brother and pretend it never happened. But stick to your plan, and enjoy.

theoldbreed · 08-02-2016 04:03AM

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Weddings huh?

So what did OP's Fiance have to say about the matter? That is missing from the missives! Or maybe I just missed it myself...

Anyway, I wish I had kids. Really do. Sorry, but if I was invited to a wedding and the kids (that I don't have lol) were NOT invited it would be a great way of dodging the gig.

OP we need to hear what your beloved has to say about his brother's views. That is going to be the key, when he has sobered up after the Stags.

Weddings are the cause of much misery sometimes. I said SOMETIMES.

But to OP, I hope it all works out, and there is no family breakup drama llama.

What about the Hens? Is the sister in law going? That could be another fun night!

Anyway congratulations, hope it all works out, and you have a fab day. Just ignore the brother and pretend it never happened. But stick to your plan, and enjoy.

My OH was disgusted. He told him to get out of car before I actually put him out. He apologised on his behalf next morning and agreed we are sticking to out plan. He also said if he doesn't come so be it even though I know he'd be upset. He knows himself that there will be no apology to me. He can't force that and tbh I don't want him to. If someone can't apologise off the bat then I don't want a forced one.

You see I see said brother in law very little, the other night was first time I'd been in his company since last March believe it or not. My OH sees him more obviously, I'm just a keep to myself kind of person.

His wife is not invited to my hen in two weeks, we're not close and I wouldn't have even thought about it.

I really do try to stay away from 'toxic' people and I feel he is one who just happens to be the brother of the man I love. My feeling is he will continue as if nothing has happened and come to wedding anyway.

theoldbreed · 08-02-2016 08:27AM

meeeeh wrote:

If it was me, I would ignore the tantrums, if they come to the wedding fine and if they don't it's fine too. Let them sulk in some corner but don't ponder to their demands or pleade with them to come to the wedding either. It's very hard to make a scene if the other party doesn't engage.

Very true and that's the approach I will take.

Just as a matter of interest, the next time I see him and there has been no attempt to apologise etc how should I act? My gut is saying just be civil but don't engage with him any longer than I need to.

uck51js9zml2yt · 08-02-2016 08:52AM

theoldbreed wrote: »

His wife is not invited to my hen in two weeks, we're not close and I wouldn't have even thought about it.

.

Are other future in-laws invited to the hen?
If they are and she's not, the problem could be there.

jeamimus · 08-02-2016 09:08AM

Jeez... Run off to Vegas and get it done there. This is all too much hassle. The idea that potential guests try to dictate who you should invite to your event is ridiculous.

idnkph · 08-02-2016 09:29AM

Feck your bil. Next time you see him make a laugh of the situation and embarrass him. Something like " Oh you're on your best behaviour today! None of your roaring and shouting of ya have a few drinks. We don't you making a show of your self again do we?" Say that light hearted and have a chuckle. He will take it one o way or another. His reaction will be sheepish I'd say. And let everyone know what he was like too. Enjoy your day and stick to your guns.

CaraMay · 08-02-2016 09:43AM

This is what happens when parents cant say no to their kids. God he is an ignoramous. Its up to your fiancé to sort this out. His kin, his problem.

EagererBeaver · 08-02-2016 10:05AM

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

2) your OH's daughter going to her daddy's wedding isn't questionable in the slightest and, even though I disagree with not inviting the niece, for the brother to equate the two is bang out of order.

CaraMay · 08-02-2016 10:16AM

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

2) your OH's daughter going to her daddy's wedding isn't questionable in the slightest and, even though I disagree with not inviting the niece, for the brother to equate the two is bang out of order.

Especially when the DIL wasn't invited to his wedding!!

kunst nugget · 08-02-2016 10:16AM

idnkph wrote: »

Feck your bil. Next time you see him make a laugh of the situation and embarrass him. Something like " Oh you're on your best behaviour today! None of your roaring and shouting of ya have a few drinks. We don't you making a show of your self again do we?" Say that light hearted and have a chuckle. He will take it one o way or another. His reaction will be sheepish I'd say. And let everyone know what he was like too. Enjoy your day and stick to your guns.

That sounds like an absolutely terrible idea. Rise above the situation and don't go trying to goad him for amusement.

No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

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