Stuff You Got Wrong As A Kid

04-02-2016 01:24AM #1

I used to wonder about Mister Fogpatches. I thought his job was knowing the weather everywhere, and that he drove around the country to check he'd gotten it right. Mister Fogpatches in Scotland overnight, Mister Fogpatches in the West Country during the morning. He got around, that guy.

Bill Stickers was a fugitive without a face, but those threats were everywhere.... Bill Stickers will be prosecuted. All around my Granddads place in London, we were assured he'd be taken to task. What did he do? I guess I'll never know.

Don't get me started on 'Gorilla' Warfare. Dexterous, politicised, apes with machine guns, of course.

When I was learning the alphabet, I thought the middle bit - LMNOP - was a word. Elomenopy. Didn't know what it meant, didn't care either.

My cousin told me that in the olden days the IRA used to shoot people in the bottom and that it was called being 'shot in the Bogside'. Sometimes, they'd be shot in the willy, which would be called 'shot in the Falls Area' on the news. Made perfect sense. Still does, if I'm honest.

Anyone else get anything wrong when they were very young, or am I thick special?

The Backwards Man · 04-02-2016 01:34AM

I can't remember that far back any more.

The one thing every kid gets wrong though, they can't wait to get older. Youth is wasted on the young.

gandalf · 04-02-2016 01:37AM

When I was a kid I always thought that the Minister for Tourism was the Minister for Terrorism !!!

Ruu · 04-02-2016 01:39AM

Chief whip, whip cream..leather whip..what??

3rdDegree · 04-02-2016 01:41AM

I used to wonder was the pope REALLY invisible and if so, was I the only one who could see him?

dulpit · 04-02-2016 01:41AM

I was convinced that every town had a black market, and you needed to be in the know to find it - like it was in a warehouse somewhere...

8 Bit Girl · 04-02-2016 01:45AM

Didnt know the the real name for a vagina, so called it 'the front bum'

Til one day I fell off my bike and hurt my front bum on the saddle and my father asked why was I crying and I said I hurt my front bum.
He burst out laughing and without thinking said thats not what its called! I asked him angrily and crying, after he laughing at me hurting myself, whats it called then!!
He shut up fairly quickly then!

LDN_Irish · 04-02-2016 01:49AM

I thought 4 wheel drive meant all 4 wheels turned in the same direction at once. Hilarity at my expense ensued when I declared in front of the lads that a certain car couldn't have been 4WD because it wasn't doing that.

SouthernBelle · 04-02-2016 01:50AM

My uncle's friend used to get great stuff that 'fell off the back of a lorry' - radios, leather jackets, etc.

I thought he was the luckiest guy ever to always be in the vicinity when a lorry shed it's load!

Hammer89 · 04-02-2016 01:52AM

I was under the impression that 'bumming' someone was when you bumped arses with them on a dancefloor, which means I claimed to have bummed a lot of my mum's friends at her 40th

04-02-2016 01:59AM

After I fell into my Granddads flower border causing some damage, and blamed it on the dog, my Granddad told me that God was everywhere, sees EVERYTHING, and knows when kids fib.

The 'sees everything' bit made for some very uncomfortable times in the bath, or using the loo. I was not happy at God spying on me at all.

Realt Dearg Sec · 04-02-2016 02:03AM

Ruu wrote: »

Chief whip, whip cream..leather whip..what??

I still picture the party whip holding an actual whip, lashing it at the parliamentary party as they cower together at the far end of the room promising to do as they're told.

04-02-2016 02:09AM

Ruu wrote: »

Chief whip, whip cream..leather whip..what??

The party whip was taken out on special occasions, usually when there was music and canapes and birthday cake.

One eyed Jack · 04-02-2016 02:17AM

I remember getting very frustrated with one of my friends in primary school when she was trying to explain to me how pregnancy works. I couldn't get my head around it at all as it sounded absurd on so many levels! :pac:

Mackman · 04-02-2016 02:38AM

I used to think the Tanaiste was the female Taoiseach

Adorable · 04-02-2016 03:54AM

I tried to get pregnant once when I was 6. Of course, my understanding of pregnancy was pretty misconstrued back then. I essentially thought that all you had to do was to get married and lay in bed with your husband until you felt something kicking inside of you. :P

Jesus Wept · 04-02-2016 06:29AM

^ are you suggesting this isn't the case?

HughWotMVIII · 04-02-2016 07:26AM

I love this thread!

1. When I was four, a substitute teacher announced in class that our class teacher wouldn't be coming in for a while because she had lost her son. I thought she had to be the stupidest person alive to lose a child; I mean, how could anyone be so careless?

It wasn't until my biological dad passed not long after and my uncle was explaining to my cousins that I had lost my dad that I finally made the connection.

2. When I was 8 one of my cousins had a baby out of wedlock; she was 19. I heard all the grownups whispering about how shocked they were that such a good girl had had a baby out of wedlock. I had been told that only bad girls had babies out of wedlock so I simply didn't understand how Alice, who I knew to be a good girl, had had a baby out of wedlock.

I figured some malicious person had dropped the baby off at her front door - under the cover of darkness or something - just to besmirch her good name.

3. I thought that when people had sex, the foreskin rolled all the way back exposing a fleshy pink rod, like with the animals I had seen. I was convinced I would never have sex because it was the most barbaric, disgusting thing. It wasn't until I walked in on my cousins watching porn when I was about 16 that I learned it wasn't quite the same. You can imagine my relief

.

4. I thought babies came out of the bum, like poo, until I was 13. My science teachers before that had somehow managed to avoid explicitly saying that they came out of the vagina. The anus stretches so it made the most sense to me. I couldn't imagine anything else.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 04-02-2016 07:32AM

Going to mass.

:D

Specifcially, the line "blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus" never made sence to me: Jesus was a boy and didn't have a womb!

smash · 04-02-2016 07:35AM

Apparently erections were not to help you pee over tall objects.

Junkyard Tom · 04-02-2016 08:41AM

Candie wrote: »

Don't get me started on 'Gorilla' Warfare.

*slowly raises hand*

NSFW

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAcTGE1woCQ

gramar · 04-02-2016 08:54AM

I used to think news readers could see into your living room.

An bhfuil cead agam dul amach go dti an leithreas...ok to there...mais e do thoil e...completely clueless as to what that last bit was about.

GAAman · 04-02-2016 09:21AM

The pronunciation of the the racing term "Grand Prix" much to the howls of laughter from any nearby adult....

Aglomerado · 04-02-2016 09:25AM

The Hail Mary: "Blessed art thou, a monk swimming"...

Funnily enough, I am reading Malachy McCourt's "A monk swimming" at the moment.

King George VI · 04-02-2016 09:28AM

My dad told me this so naturally as a child I believed it. I used to think camogie was underwater hockey for women

It never came up in conversation until I was 16 and watched camogie on the telly and realized I'd been bamboozled for nearly 10 years.

Polo_Mint · 04-02-2016 09:32AM

Growing up in the 80s I used to hear on the Radio about "Arms" being discovered in Fields, Houses , Farmyards and so on which were linked to " Republicans or Unionists.

I didnt know that "Arms" meant weapons and wondered why people were chopping up bodies and the Gardai would only find the arms

whiskeyman · 04-02-2016 09:37AM

I always thought jeans were made from cows - because cowboys wore them in ads etc...

Turtyturd · 04-02-2016 09:51AM

GAAman wrote: »

The pronunciation of the the racing term "Grand Prix" much to the howls of laughter from any nearby adult....

Along similar lines hour was pronounced as whore.

Also thought a cul de sac was a cuddly sac.

HalloweenJack · 04-02-2016 10:35AM

Used to think black people were actually white, they just had so many freckles that they all connected together to look black.

silverharp · 04-02-2016 10:41AM

I remember going to the states when I was 8 and couldn't accept that I couldn't get the BBC on the tv . there was some show I was following and it was before we had a video recorder.

Whitewinged · 04-02-2016 10:43AM

I was about 8 and still totally unaware of time and the teacher started teaching us to write the date above the page. I remember thinking "oh that's how it works". So time didn't exist for me up until about 1991.

I'm trying to teach my daughter now about the months of the year and things like that. She's 3 and a half and obsessed with growing older so she can go to a water park. She seems to be getting the hang of it but the other day she said something to me like "mam when you turn back into a baby, you will need a bottle". So she thinks you grow up and then go back.

Stuff You Got Wrong As A Kid

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