Driving behind a Funeral etiquette

seamus · 14-01-2016 11:11AM

Kiwi in IE wrote: »

I'm not sure what is the purpose of walking down the middle of the road after the hearse. It seems crass, almost like a St Patrick's day or Christmas parade. I'm not very comfortable with grief and loss being turned into a public parade or show.

It's symbolic, accompanying the deceased on their "final journey" to their "resting place". Think of it like an escort for a fallen soldier, being carried and/or defended by their comrades as they're taken from the battlefield.

There's still a lot of ego in these things; people feel the bigger the procession, the more respected the person was. And being respected is for many people a sign that the deceased was a good person.

I imagine Charlie Haughey had a big procession though, so that logic doesn't stack up.

You'd be surprised the amount of taboo around death and the discussion of death that still exists in Ireland. People still cling to old traditions and funeral rites because they don't feel like it's appropriate to challenge them.

It was suggested to me by a relative at OH's uncle's funeral that Little Kiwi should read out a prayer in the church. I thought that would be totally inappropriate and refused to allow it. To me it seemed that the whole idea was because he is small and cute, so therefore should be put on display like a performing monkey for the entertainment of the old biddy professional funeral attendees, to give them something to 'awwww isn't he cute' over.

Yes and no. Like I say, there is still a lot of ego in funerals and people taking the opportunity (intentionally or otherwise) to show off how great their family is. But symbolically a lot of people like to get children involved to add an air of "hope" to the day. To show that while this person has passed on, there is a younger generation coming up behind, that the person hasn't died without a legacy.

Ego, yes. But not with any malice or cyncism in it.

Kiwi in IE · 14-01-2016 11:23AM

I agree with you both Kylith and Seamus that there was no malice intended, but to me the only purpose having a small child doing something like that, could possibly serve, is to 'show off' in some way and have all the old biddies go 'awwwww'.

There does seem to be a large element of ego involved, which is why I find it crass I think. Death, grief and loss to me are about being with those who are very close to you and emotionally supporting each other. It just doesn't seem the appropriate time for a public show involving people who hardly know the deceased or the family.

seamus · 14-01-2016 11:34AM

I guess if you think of it in the context of a village - everyone is a neighbour, everyone knows everyone. So if someone throws any kind of party it becomes public by default - everyone is invited. This happens with weddings too - I've seen weddings between people in two separate villages end up with 600 guests.

So in terms of a funeral you can see why it becomes a "public" event, since everyone in the village would be at the funeral whether it was public or not. The traditions then of the procession and whatever else persist for years even though they may not be appropriate any more for modern populations.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 14-01-2016 11:39AM

I doubt there's many people while mourning too interested in showing off the deceased grand niece or nephew. Usually finding people to read out prayers, you ask who you think wouldn't mind doing it, and kids generally don't get as bogged down about reading out loud in front of other people

kylith · 14-01-2016 11:47AM

Kiwi in IE wrote: »

There does seem to be a large element of ego involved, which is why I find it crass I think. Death, grief and loss to me are about being with those who are very close to you and emotionally supporting each other. It just doesn't seem the appropriate time for a public show involving people who hardly know the deceased or the family.

Oh, I'd agree. And maybe it is different in rural communities where everyone knows everyone and have done for generations, or amongst the older generation; and even then there'd be people talking behind their hands about so-and-so who just turned up for the free sandwiches.

It's changing now though. My parents and aunts don't even know their neighbours any more.

Seanachai · 14-01-2016 12:28PM

Kiwi in IE wrote: »

I agree with you both Kylith and Seamus that there was no malice intended, but to me the only purpose having a small child doing something like that, could possibly serve, is to 'show off' in some way and have all the old biddies go 'awwwww'.

There does seem to be a large element of ego involved, which is why I find it crass I think. Death, grief and loss to me are about being with those who are very close to you and emotionally supporting each other. It just doesn't seem the appropriate time for a public show involving people who hardly know the deceased or the family.

I think you've highlighted some interesting social behavior in Ireland, where I come from for the most part a funeral is almost like a clan gathering. It's almost like a chance to show off your connections, however crass that may appear to some people, especially those from an urban background.

Even bachelors would have large funerals in rural Ireland. There is an element of pride and ego involved for sure, I think ego has been a maligned and misunderstood thing though in some ways. My parents come from big families and any family funerals I've been to would fill the village/town, relatives would come home from England and the person's life would be celebrated. Unless it was the death of a young person or a tragedy there would be a lot of laughter and stories being told.

From the few protestant funerals I've witnessed, they seem to be more reserved affairs, they tend to be a minority though so they wouldn't really have the numbers I suppose.

storker · 14-01-2016 03:51PM

EndaHonesty wrote: »

I bet you thought your post would be hilarious?

Er...no, it was meant quite seriously. Dangerous drivers have an unfortunate habit of taking innocent people with them. I don't see anything funny about that, and I don't know why anyone would imagine otherwise.

ScumLord · 14-01-2016 04:04PM

Kiwi in IE wrote: »

I agree with you both Kylith and Seamus that there was no malice intended, but to me the only purpose having a small child doing something like that, could possibly serve, is to 'show off' in some way and have all the old biddies go 'awwwww'.

There does seem to be a large element of ego involved, which is why I find it crass I think. Death, grief and loss to me are about being with those who are very close to you and emotionally supporting each other. It just doesn't seem the appropriate time for a public show involving people who hardly know the deceased or the family.

But the thing is sometimes the funeral is the first time friends and families may have seen each other in years, people sometime travel from all over the world. If they didn't bring the baby you'd have a load of disappointed people. I think babies at funerals is a great symbol of how life goes on, the baby is always going to brighten up a room and take away some of death's scariness.

haveringchick · 14-01-2016 04:30PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I doubt there's many people while mourning too interested in showing off the deceased grand niece or nephew. Usually finding people to read out prayers, you ask who you think wouldn't mind doing it, and kids generally don't get as bogged down about reading out loud in front of other people

First of all I'd imagine it was a genuine effort to include a child one of whoms parent is a relatively new arrival to these shores, a very thoughtful gesture I would say
I second what you are saying about kids and reading aloud in church
Whilst it is a privilege to be asked to take an active role in the farewell ceremony, it can be difficult to speak if you are feeling very emotional as many attendees are, so it can be quite difficult to get a willing participant
Small lids don't have hang ups about speaking and if they weren't familiar with the deceased or are too small to understand the finality then they are an excellent choice for short pieces like prayers of the faithful
In the RCC requiem mass the priest says"let us take the remains of our brother/sister Paddy/Mary to his/her final resting place" this precedes the pushing of the coffin down the aisle and the slow walk to the graveyard that is the tradition in lists of towns and villages in rural Ireland
The family friends and community are seeing the mortal remains of the dead person safely to his her final resting place
En route yes, some people will gawp and stare at the mourners but that's human nature
Most people who stop as the cortège passes, either on foot or in cars, are simply showing empathy and respect

Driving behind a Funeral etiquette

Comments