Would you go to a wedding without giving a gift?

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 09:36PM

Tigger wrote: »

Wedding math is funny

Unfortunately, to prove a point, my hand was forced ......... never actually calculated that until just now ........ we were to busy enjoying ourselves at our wedding to concern ourselves with money!

Inspector Coptoor · 02-01-2016 09:37PM

Zimmey wrote: »

Well, no, what if you want a small wedding? You won't be asking everyone you ever gave a wedding present to. You should never give a present with the expectation of getting it back some day. Bizarre outlook.

For you want a small wedding - that's your choice.

It's not a bizarre outlook.
I got married last year and that was my experience

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 02-01-2016 09:39PM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

The modern formula for financing weddings makes me sick, so I try as much as possible to refuse invitations. You (guests) are basically paying for your meal, and venue hire, honeymoon costs, flowers, etc. That is unless you don't gift. I couldn't think of a more self-indulgent act at the expense of your family and friends than the modern wedding.

What a ridiculous attitude. Don't go to any weddings then.

I'll buy a gift for anybody I know who is getting married and starting out in a new life, even if I'm not invited to the wedding. I have always done so and, indeed, received gifts from near strangers myself when I got got married over 40 years ago. It's a celebration. It's like buying presents for a birthday, anniversary, graduation or any other notable occasion.
Having had many weddings in our household, I know the notion of financing the wedding from gifts never came in to it.

Baggy Trousers · 02-01-2016 09:55PM

We had a discussion about weddings at a recent family gathering. It astonished me to learn that some people go to weddings and don't give a present, not even a card. I found it hard to believe but it seems it happens. I thought perhaps the cards must be getting lost (by a drunk best man maybe) or stolen (by hotel staff maybe) but it seems these people see their presence at the wedding as enough. The married couple generally will not ask why.

We also agreed that most people hate weddings and find them an expensive, boring, indulgent waste of time.

GFT · 02-01-2016 09:57PM

A Wedding is such a self-indulgent weird archaic ceremony.

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 09:58PM

Baggy Trousers wrote: »

We had a discussion about weddings at a recent family gathering. It astonished me to learn that some people go to weddings and don't give a present, not even a card. I found it hard to believe but it seems it happens. I thought perhaps the cards must be getting lost (by a drunk best man maybe) or stolen (by hotel staff maybe) but it seems these people see their presence at the wedding as enough. The married couple generally will not ask why.

We also agreed that most people hate weddings and find them an expensive, boring, indulgent waste of time.

I bet you're known as "that family" at weddings ..........

Clair de Lune · 02-01-2016 10:01PM

Rocco Shy Washcloth wrote: »

What a ridiculous attitude. Don't go to any weddings then.

Right, you seem to have missed the 1st sentence of my 4 sentence post which you quoted, let me just quote that again for you, and highlight/underline the relevant part to make it clearer for you to read this time:

so I try as much as possible to refuse invitations.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 02-01-2016 10:27PM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

Right, you seem to have missed the 1st sentence of my 4 sentence post which you quoted, let me just quote that again for you, and highlight/underline the relevant part to make it clearer for you to read this time:

Oh I didn't miss anything at all.

And you ignored the bulk of my reply.

02-01-2016 10:29PM

I don't like how some people expect you to pay €200 per couple or whatever and say you're stingy if you give anything less. To some people that is loads of money!

I was a maid of honour a few year ago and people were saying I should have been giving the couple €400+. At the time I was a student in my final year and could barely afford to buy a few drinks at the wedding. Ended up getting them a gift for about €100. They was delighted with it and it was something quite sentimental that I knew they would like. However I still had people afterwards saying I should have given a large cash gift!

I personally would despise having a big huge expensive wedding. Seems like such a waste of money and I'd hate the pressure/attention. But each to their own.

wakka12 · 02-01-2016 10:34PM

Hopefully if I get married my spouse will not want a large wedding either. I think a nice fancy dinner with close family and friends , 10 or so guests per person and a nice day spent doing romantic things with your newly wed would be a perfect 'wedding' to me at least. But then again I absolutely cannot stand attention, the thought of sitting at the centre of a room with as many as 200 people around me is enough to turn my stomach

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 10:46PM

Lia_lia wrote: »

I don't like how some people expect you to pay €200 per couple or whatever and say you're stingy if you give anything less. To some people that is loads of money!

I was a maid of honour a few year ago and people were saying I should have been giving the couple €400+. At the time I was a student in my final year and could barely afford to buy a few drinks at the wedding. Ended up getting them a gift for about €100. They was delighted with it and it was something quite sentimental that I knew they would like. However I still had people afterwards saying I should have given a large cash gift!

I personally would despise having a big huge expensive wedding. Seems like such a waste of money and I'd hate the pressure/attention. But each to their own.

I would tell those people to mind their own f*cking business to be honest.

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 10:48PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Hopefully if I get married my spouse will not want a large wedding either. I think a nice fancy dinner with close family and friends , 10 or so guests per person and a nice day spent doing romantic things with your newly wed would be a perfect 'wedding' to me at least. But then again I absolutely cannot stand attention, the thought of sitting at the centre of a room with as many as 200 people around me is enough to turn my stomach

My wife felt the same before we got married but we ended up having a sizeable enough wedding and she had the time of her life ......... alcohol plus people who love you will equal a great day, trust me!

pconn062 · 02-01-2016 10:57PM

Myself and my fiance are in the very early stages of organising our (small and very casual!) wedding. We have no details nailed down yet but already we are both agreed that the wedding invites will state "no gifts necessary" or something to that effect. If I decide to organise a party and invite them I certainly don't expect them to pay for their own meals! Cash gifts always seem a little tacky to me, and I say this as someone who always gives a cash gift at weddings as it seems to be the done thing now. I just don't want people to feel they have to give me cash to attend a party!

Azalea · 02-01-2016 11:05PM

If you have to go to a wedding and don't want to spend much/if you're broke, give them something small - even just a nice bottle of wine/a €20 voucher. It's grotesque of marrying couples to demand expensive presents but it's also stingy as hell to be a guest and to give absolutely nothing.

Even if you're calling to a friend's place for Christmas drinks or a meal you'd bring a bottle of wine/six-pack, or a dessert.

As for people saying you "should" give some huge amount, fine, let the idiots say it. They're not going to know how much you give anyway. I don't think it's a good idea to be concerned about what other guests think. And if the bride/groom are family/good friends they'll understand if you're broke (although probably not if you just feel resentful about having to give a gift).

my teapot is orange · 02-01-2016 11:22PM

I wish people would have smaller weddings with just the people who are genuinely close to them. Between travel, clothes, accommodation, "going rate" presents etc. it can cost an enormous amount to attend a wedding. Of course it's annoying if you're not that close. As for the argument that you're getting something in return, with a lot of obligation invites, it's something you don't want. I would enjoy eating pizza on my own in front of the TV more than a fancy meal, trying to come up with three hours of conversation with strangers I have been seated with for an unnaturally long time.

Zimmey · 02-01-2016 11:24PM

Inspector Coptoor wrote: »

For you want a small wedding - that's your choice.

It's not a bizarre outlook.

It is. I never give a gift expecting it back. If you expect it back, it's a loan, not a gift. And how do you know you'll be asked to all the weddings of any guests you asked who then get married?

Give a gift because it's a kind gesture. Don't be expecting to get it back.

Canterelle · 02-01-2016 11:30PM

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I got married in November, the majority of the presents were money in a card. We did however get wine glasses and caserole dishes from a few people.
A few people didn't give anything, which was surprising, and some of the contents of cards from some people were surprising too.
What I noticed was, the people who you'd think have the least give the most, and the people who are loaded give the least. My aunt being one, loaded, gave us Waterford crystal wine glasses, I don't even drink wine, and she knows this too.

Tbh this attitude scares me! Waterford crystal - but 'I don't drink wine and she knows it'. Poor aunt, guess she should have just shoved some cash in an envelope.

steddyeddy · 02-01-2016 11:43PM

Canterelle wrote: »

Tbh this attitude scares me! Waterford crystal - but 'I don't drink wine and she knows it'. Poor aunt, guess she should have just shoved some cash in an envelope.

To be honest if someone thinks the only use or value of Waterford Crystal is it's ability to hold wine then the gift might be a bit too classy for them.

Zimmey · 02-01-2016 11:44PM

Canterelle wrote: »

Tbh this attitude scares me! Waterford crystal - but 'I don't drink wine and she knows it'. Poor aunt, guess she should have just shoved some cash in an envelope.

Yup, horrible attitude. Why do marrying couples seem to think they have dibs on wealthy relations' money? So what if the aunt was loaded? She gave a gift and anyway, Waterford Crystal isn't cheap. And it's nice to have some physical non-monetary gifts as a memento to mark the occasion.

GFT · 02-01-2016 11:46PM

steddyeddy wrote: »

To be honest if someone thinks the only use or value of Waterford Crystal is it's ability to hold wine then the gift might be a bit too classy for them.

Anyone that thinks they are entitled to anything just because they take part in an archaic ceremony wouldn't be the classiest in the first place.

suicide_circus · 02-01-2016 11:46PM

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I got married in November, the majority of the presents were money in a card. We did however get wine glasses and caserole dishes from a few people.
A few people didn't give anything, which was surprising, and some of the contents of cards from some people were surprising too.
What I noticed was, the people who you'd think have the least give the most, and the people who are loaded give the least. My aunt being one, loaded, gave us Waterford crystal wine glasses, I don't even drink wine, and she knows this too.

The people who have the least give the most in order to deflect from their limited means about which they are self conscious.

As for the wine glasses, maybe you could use them for a dinner party/special occasion. Or maybe you could drink something other than wine out of them?

Sam Kade · 02-01-2016 11:53PM

my teapot is orange wrote: »

I wish people would have smaller weddings with just the people who are genuinely close to them. Between travel, clothes, accommodation, "going rate" presents etc. it can cost an enormous amount to attend a wedding. Of course it's annoying if you're not that close. As for the argument that you're getting something in return, with a lot of obligation invites, it's something you don't want. I would enjoy eating pizza on my own in front of the TV more than a fancy meal, trying to come up with three hours of conversation with strangers I have been seated with for an unnaturally long time.

Here's an idea decline the invite, problem solved

Zimmey · 02-01-2016 11:54PM

Sam Kade wrote: »

Here's an idea decline the invite, problem solved

Not always easy. You can't ignore family politics.

Zimmey · 03-01-2016 12:01AM

MadDog76 wrote: »

We had about 300 guests at our wedding, we invited just over 350 but 50 or so declined .......... the cost per head at our wedding was €125 and the hotel required a minimum of 90 guests so we lost out on about €5000 in cash gifts (actually less than that as most guests sent on a gift anyway) but we saved €6250 in costs because those 50 guests declined our invitation.

The cost of the band, the photographer, the dress, suits etc. were always going to be x amount regardless, whether we had 50 guests or 500 guests ........ this notion that couples make a fortune from their wedding is nonsense.
An average guest who gives an average cash gift just covers the cost of an average meal so guests declining/accepting an invitation is irrelevant, financially speaking, as they usually just cancel eachother out overall.

Of the guests that do come to the wedding some will give more that the average cash gift, some will give less and some will give nothing but overall, on average, it all equals out ......... we budgeted our wedding on what we wanted and what we could afford without relying on cash gifts at all and we made this abundantly clear to our guests but it made no difference because our guests, like us, wouldn't go to a wedding without giving a gift ........ most of them anyway.

300 is a large wedding. Most would be 200 or less. So for anyone with an average sized wedding secretly hoping for guests to cover their wedding, if they get a lot of declines, they could be in bother.

Sam Kade · 03-01-2016 12:04AM

Inspector Coptoor wrote: »

Everyone likes getting presents.
Everyone.
Men, women and children.

And if you don't, it's cause you never get any.

I don't and I get presents, so that blows your little theory out of the water.

Sam Kade · 03-01-2016 12:13AM

Tigger wrote: »

Wedding math is funny

Or even maths as we say in this part of the world.

Canterelle · 03-01-2016 12:27AM

suicide_circus wrote: »

The people who have the least give the most in order to deflect from their limited means about which they are self conscious.

As for the wine glasses, maybe you could use them for a dinner party/special occasion. Or maybe you could drink something other than wine out of them?

Ffs this is rubbish. People give what they can or want to, not "to deflect from their limited means about which they are self conscious". That is such an arrogant statement.

steddyeddy · 03-01-2016 12:34AM

suicide_circus wrote: »

The people who have the least give the most in order to deflect from their limited means about which they are self conscious.

As for the wine glasses, maybe you could use them for a dinner party/special occasion. Or maybe you could drink something other than wine out of them?

That's true. I often find those with less more generous. I think it's simple a matter of generosity though rather than a conscious effort to avoid looking poor. Your post seems indicative of a chip on one's shoulder.

Inspector Coptoor · 03-01-2016 12:35AM

Zimmey wrote: »

It is. I never give a gift expecting it back. If you expect it back, it's a loan, not a gift. And how do you know you'll be asked to all the weddings of any guests you asked who then get married?

Give a gift because it's a kind gesture. Don't be expecting to get it back.

How do I know?
I don't, obviously.

But sure if my uncle had breasts and a vagina, he'd be my aunt
Clutching at straws there.

Giving a gift is a kind gesture.
It's the the thing to do when going to a wedding.
As it's the social norm, for the vast majority of people, it can therefore be expected, but it's not an entitlement.

Sam Kade wrote: »

I don't and I get presents, so that blows your little theory out of the water.

Ah yes.
My peer reviewed, QED'd theory :rolleyes:

steddyeddy · 03-01-2016 12:38AM

Canterelle wrote: »

Ffs this is rubbish. People give what they can or want to, not "to deflect from their limited means about which they are self conscious". That is such an arrogant statement.

It's not arrogant as much as indicative of someone showing him/her up at a wedding with a more expensive gift.

Would you go to a wedding without giving a gift?

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