Think my ex/friend might be gay or bi and in denial

LegacyUser · 09-12-2015 11:58AM #1

Hi all,

OK so this is something that popped in to my head a few years ago with my ex when we were together, I dismissed it at the time. I feel guilty even posing the question because of his bigoted views (that I don't share) but, maybe he protests too much. He is the epitome of a manly man, he loves outdoors and adventures and is a bit of cave man/homophobe...

Even jokingly if you ever tried to paint his nails or out mascara on him he'd have a meltdown and go completely crazy (Not that I did this a lot BTW!!!!!!)

When he gets drunk with his guy friends he is known for pulling down his trousers and taking his thing out, this in itself could just be a weird drunk thing I guess. Sex wise, he's never had an issue getting turned on but he doesn't last long...at all, maybe 30 seconds. Also, when he's drunk the odd time too he wanted anal and would go mad trying to stick his finger up my bum (sorry, I've been sitting here looking for a less crude term) but never when he's sober

Anyway he is a person who is not happy, he's constantly training and doing races and triathlons to try and escape from himself he could never really be in the relationship, he always wanted to be free and could never explain it - he's desperate to get away for a year - get away from everyone and everything.

He's seeing a new girl now, they are not serious but she looks like a boy or possibly is actually transgender, hard to tell - but it's unlikely I guess, Ireland's pretty small for that. I'm just wondering if that is something that gay guys in denial do? (I appreciate that sounds like a really ignorant and possibly offensive question - believe me, I am just stupid to this)

We're on rough ground and we're meeting up to have a chat tonight. The way he has treated me of late I should cut him out of my life....but if he is struggling with bigger things than just the simplicity of me and him and our turbulence and if he is having some bi-curious or gay issues that he's not able to face that will account for some of the craziness of late. He's definitely carrying some issue than he'd rather run himself into the ground than deal with and I don't want to abandon him if it's something I can help with.

Any advice of if I should mention this tonight or how I could even say it will be really appreciated. I think if he's experimenting with a transgender person - or possibly just a girl who looks like a boy then maybe he is closer to accepting it - or I might be way off the mark!

CaraMay · 09-12-2015 03:30PM

Omg back off! You are way too invested in his life and come across as slightly unhinged op. Who he is seeing is none of your business. I wouldn't say anything like that to him and tbh you shouldn't be meeting him at all. Your post was really very scary. Do you need to get some counselling so you can break away from him?

Flippyfloppy · 09-12-2015 03:37PM

Not meaning to be harsh but his sexuality is none of your business now. Even if he is gay that's for him to know, and come out when he's ready. An ex telling him she knows isn't going to help matters. And please don't say to anyone else that you think his new girlfriend looks like a boy!!! For the record NONE of the things you mentioned really point to him being gay.

Merkin · 09-12-2015 03:38PM

I'm really at a loss as to what business it is of yours your ex boyfriends sexuality is?

LegacyUser · 09-12-2015 03:44PM

Hi again,

I believe my last post might have been misinterpretted. We were together 11 years and I ultimately gave up on the relationship as we both seemed to want differnt things (he didn't kow what he wanted) and we broke up last year. Despite my best efforts to make a clean break he has insisted on staying in touch and regularly tells me he loves me and can't be without me (but doesn't want to rekindle).

I asked him last week to please let both of us move along with our lives and he begged me to meet him for coffee, he seemed desperate and obviously after a long time I really care about him. This sexuality thing came in to my head but I wondered if I was just being daft. I more than anything just wanted to offer him a platform to discuss it if it's something he isn't able to handle.

I might be way off, but clearly not as way off as the posts on here.....

Merkin · 09-12-2015 03:52PM

figuringout wrote: »

I might be way off, but clearly not as way off as the posts on here.....

There's no need for belligerence just because you don't approve of the replies you received. Any more of that and we simply won't approve any more of your posts.

Sleepy · 09-12-2015 04:15PM

You're basing this "theory" on his interest in anal play / sex, a disinterest in being feminised by his girlfriend, a penchant for public nudity when drunk with the lads, an interest in keeping fit and the outdoors and a his now seeing a woman that you regard as masculine looking.

None of those are signs that he's gay. To be fair, there can be a trend of closeted guys acting homophobic, but it's far more likely that he's simply an intolerant prick.

Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to find a reason for your break up that absolves you of any "blame".

Roselm · 09-12-2015 04:27PM

There is no ok way to bring up his sexuality. You asked how to help him. You just need to be supportive and be there and listen. Maybe he is struggling with his sexuality or maybe it's something else. He just needs to know you accept him as he is.
Best of luck

kylith · 09-12-2015 04:33PM

He can't force you to stay in contact OP. Block his number on your phone. Unfriend him on social media. What he's doing is not fair to you or to his gf.

Sound Bite · 09-12-2015 05:59PM

You need to deal with rejection better than this.

You can't assume he's gay/bi just because he doesn't want you.

He is your ex. His sexuality and relationships are none of your business.

LegacyUser · 09-12-2015 06:27PM

Op I think you are over analysing his behaviour and his hobbies waay too much. The relationship obviously ran its course and you guys are finished. Who broke up with who? or was it a mutual decision?

Also do you think its fair to be maintaining contact with him when he is going out with someone else? He is telling you he loves you while involved with another girl!!!

He is stringing you along, keeping in contact while dating other people meanwhile you are still cut up about the break up.
You need to take a massive step back from him and cut all contact as he is doing you no favours in helping you to move on. Maybe go to counselling to get your head sorted.

Permabear · 09-12-2015 06:29PM

This post has been deleted.

njs030 · 09-12-2015 06:45PM

I think the main problems in your post are-
His sexuality is none of your business.
How can you be on "rough ground" with an ex? Unless you have children there's no need to be in contact at all.
That comment, the meeting up with him and your (quite nasty) comments about the woman he's actually in a relationship sound like your totally overinvolved in his life and you need to walk away.
Your excuse that he wants you in his life is just that- an excuse. Its not clear from your post if you're staying in touch with him to try and restart things, but trying to find excuses not to walk away is just hurting yourself.
It's pretty easy to cut ties- just say goodbye and cease contact and move on.

StanleyOllie · 09-12-2015 06:47PM

You seem to be getting a hard time here. Being with someone 11 years is a long time and it can be difficult to break ties when you are concerned. Meet him and just see how the conversation goes. If you are only thinking this now and not during your long relationship its probably off the mark. But who knows... be a shame if he was living a lie.
Good on you trying to be there. Just see what he has to say. It could be something else totally he wants to meet about. Let us know how it goes.

Flippyfloppy · 09-12-2015 07:09PM

Lets say for a second he is gay (even though there doesn't seem to be anything pointing to it, other than a gut feeling you seem to have)

In my opinion his ex of 11 years is the last person he'd admit it to. There's way too much at stake for him given there'd be 11 years of deceit to admit to.

PressRun · 10-12-2015 03:37AM

Absolutely do not bring this up with him. Perhaps he is gay and in denial about it, but it's important to allow people who are feeling confused about their sexuality to come to their own conclusions and deal with it in a way that they're comfortable with rather than being 'outed' or questioned about it all the time. If he has something he wants to tell you, he'll do that in his own time. Maybe he has nothing he wants to tell you at all. Whatever the case, he doesn't need you offering him a "platform" to talk about it. That just sounds like you're trying to orchestrate a scenario in which he'll just "confess" to being gay. However, if he says he's straight, then you just have to accept that.

At the end of the day, his sexuality isn't really your business and he doesn't have to tell you anything.

LegacyUser · 10-12-2015 06:16AM

Sorry, but what on earth was going on with you trying to put mascara on him and paint his nails, even if it was infrequent. I don't know any guys who would tolerate that. I'm female, and, not that I would care one way or the other, I find it a bit pause-worthy - very much so especially in the context of the rest of your post.

Were you trying to feminise him or something? Or to antagonise him?

CaraMay · 10-12-2015 06:41AM

Op he's clearly just wanting to keep you hanging as a 'just in case'. He's moved on and is with a new girl now do he is clearly in a place where he's ok to be in a relationship. Block him and move on with your life

Penn · 10-12-2015 09:54AM

figuringout wrote: »

When he gets drunk with his guy friends he is known for pulling down his trousers and taking his thing out, this in itself could just be a weird drunk thing I guess.

Sex wise, he's never had an issue getting turned on but he doesn't last long...at all, maybe 30 seconds.

Also, when he's drunk the odd time too he wanted anal and would go mad trying to stick his finger up my bum (sorry, I've been sitting here looking for a less crude term) but never when he's sober

Anyway he is a person who is not happy, he's constantly training and doing races and triathlons to try and escape from himself he could never really be in the relationship, he always wanted to be free and could never explain it - he's desperate to get away for a year - get away from everyone and everything.

He's seeing a new girl now, they are not serious but she looks like a boy or possibly is actually transgender, hard to tell - but it's unlikely I guess, Ireland's pretty small for that. I'm just wondering if that is something that gay guys in denial do? (I appreciate that sounds like a really ignorant and possibly offensive question - believe me, I am just stupid to this)

Wow OP, talk about jumping to conclusions. None of the above means he might be gay, and I think you're filling in the blanks to suit your own narrative. "...he's constantly training and doing races and triathlons to try and escape from himself he could never really be in the relationship..."? Did he say that, or does he just enjoy training/racing, like many people do?

As for getting drunk and taking his penis out, that's unfortunately less uncommon than you think. Hell, I've watched a mate pretend to play the guitar solo in Sweet Child of Mine using his penis as the guitar, on the dancefloor in a nightclub.

figuringout wrote: »

We're on rough ground and we're meeting up to have a chat tonight. The way he has treated me of late I should cut him out of my life....but if he is struggling with bigger things than just the simplicity of me and him and our turbulence and if he is having some bi-curious or gay issues that he's not able to face that will account for some of the craziness of late. He's definitely carrying some issue than he'd rather run himself into the ground than deal with and I don't want to abandon him if it's something I can help with.

As I said, I think you might be reading what you want to read into it. It seems like your relationship with him didn't work out and ended badly, and you might be looking for a reason why.

Regardless of whether he's straight/bi/gay/other, or what his girlfriend looks like, you need to confront your own feelings for him. Do you both want to get back together? If not, it might be best to create some distance between yourselves, and just not see each other any more. You both might need to move on.

10-12-2015 12:54PM

I've got friends that have thought it a good idea to whip out their penis when absolutely hammered and, from what they've told me, run home while "helicoptering" with it. And not once did I ever think they were gay. Also enjoying anal/bum sex/play. Definitely not gay. Some people like it, some people hate it. Hell, as far as I'm aware, there's a lot of gay men who really dislike bum/anal fun. Not liking mascara put on - this is something I don't understand; why do a lot of women like putting makeup on their men? I would get annoyed about it, but only because it is perhaps one of the most emasculating things that you can do to someone that doesn't want to do it (at least that's how I feel personally). Regarding the woman he's seeing now- wow. That's just mean, petty, spiteful, and shallow to say that she doesn't look feminine. He's with her for a reason.

So.. to sum up:

Nothing you said makes him sound gay. Even if he is gay, what does it matter? Cut contact fully with him and let him live his own life.

Ahmed the Clock Maker · 10-12-2015 04:53PM

I don't want to alarm you but you really should have yourself tested for stds. If he's gay there's a possibility he was on the downlow during your relationship.

Ellie2008 · 10-12-2015 10:32PM

Ahmed the Clock Maker wrote: »

I don't want to alarm you but you really should have yourself tested for stds. If he's gay there's a possibility he was on the downlow during your relationship.

That s pretty unfair there is no evidence that he is gay - he likes to whip his penis out whilst drunk & be a jack the lad, he s not amazing in bed and he does tri s, he sounds straighter than a ruler to me tbh!

Ahmed the Clock Maker · 11-12-2015 01:46PM

Don't care. She should get herself checked out.

MintyMagnum · 11-12-2015 02:13PM

Dunno about the '11years of deceit' comment. It's not that black or white for some people.

Swiftly · 11-12-2015 02:18PM

Nothing you said makes him sound gay whatsoever. And you seem to be insulting his present gf to make yourself feel better about yourself. You say he never had a problem getting aroused and didn't last longer than 30 seconds ...not the actions of a gay man with a women lol. Who knows what he is but who cares it's up to him

Flippyfloppy · 11-12-2015 03:17PM

MintyMagnum wrote: »

Dunno about the '11years of deceit' comment. It's not that black or white for some people.

I know. That was my post, but just to clarify that may be his own point of view. He may feel he pretended to his ex on several occasions so she would be the last person he would 'come out to'

I'm just saying that theoretically because I still don't think any of the reasons OP gives point to him being gay.

cowboyBuilder · 11-12-2015 05:24PM

Ahmed the Clock Maker wrote: »

I don't want to alarm you but you really should have yourself tested for stds. If he's gay there's a possibility he was on the downlow during your relationship.

Why would it be more likely a gay man would have an STD ?

Ahmed the Clock Maker · 11-12-2015 06:58PM

cowboyBuilder wrote: »

Why would it be more likely a gay man would have an STD ?

Homosexuals are far more likely to have HIV than straights people.

Micky Dolenz · 11-12-2015 10:13PM

Loads of guys like anal and fingering the ass, of women. doesn't mean they are gay. Man like blowjobs too, doesn't mean they would get a blowjob from a guy.

I'd worry about yourself before I'd start to worry about ex's.

iusedtoknow · 12-12-2015 04:30PM

Generally speaking, the only sign of being gay is being sexually attracted to men, and enjoying sex with another man. Nothing and I mean nothing indicates that your ex is gay, and in all honesty - there is nothing that indicates why you should care

Even jokingly if you ever tried to paint his nails or out mascara on him he'd have a meltdown and go completely crazy (Not that I did this a lot BTW!!!!!!)

And? my wife loves doing this for some reason and I hate it, it happened a few times in the past but was anything but fun for me.

When he gets drunk with his guy friends he is known for pulling down his trousers and taking his thing out, this in itself could just be a weird drunk thing I guess.

And? Most men love their things and some have no inhibitions about them when drunk. Says nothing about them being gay

Sex wise, he's never had an issue getting turned on but he doesn't last long...at all, maybe 30 seconds. Also, when he's drunk the odd time too he wanted anal and would go mad trying to stick his finger up my bum (sorry, I've been sitting here looking for a less crude term) but never when he's sober

A lot of men have issues with lasting that long. As for anal - you know that one of our main erogenous zones is up there. Liking it does not make you gay - generally, wanting another mans penis up there does - but not wanting it stimulated - that is just knowing your body.

Anyway he is a person who is not happy, he's constantly training and doing races and triathlons to try and escape from himself he could never really be in the relationship, he always wanted to be free and could never explain it - he's desperate to get away for a year - get away from everyone and everything.

me too! I have a 10K next week that i've been working hard on and am off on a solo 3 days kayak trip where I'll be camping by myself, be out of cellphone coverage and have only books and the stars for company. This will be happening when my wife is off to a spa for the same few days.

He's seeing a new girl now, they are not serious but she looks like a boy or possibly is actually transgender, hard to tell - but it's unlikely I guess, Ireland's pretty small for that. I'm just wondering if that is something that gay guys in denial do? (I appreciate that sounds like a really ignorant and possibly offensive question - believe me, I am just stupid to this)

It does sound ignorant. Some girls like to have shorter hair and dress slightly more androgynously. Doesn't make her transgender...

All the above sounds like you are trying to explain away the end of a 11 year relationship as him being gay, as some way to make yourself feel better about what could be seen as a waste. As I mentioned, the only sure fire way of knowing someone is gay is if they are attracted to men sexually. My boss is gay and unless you knew, you would not know. His husband is a policeman here in SF and again - he is always being asked about his wife.

You need to cut yourself off from him for your own mental health and in more personal growth aspect start looking at preconceptions and stereotypes about gay people.

Ellie2008 · 12-12-2015 05:13PM

OP I had serious issues letting go of an ex in the past, serious serious issues but nothing to the extent you do tbh.

Your post comes across as exceptionally arrogant and v v jealous, about the new girlfriend being male looking and possibly transgender?! I'm not even sure it makes any sense if she was transgender she d be living life as a woman and your argument is that he is gay i.e. attracted to men.

11 years is along time but you need to close the door on it and move on. He couldn't commit to you, he still doesn't want to , he wanted to go away whilst he was in the relationship and he s now with someone else. It's easy to declare you love somebody and I'm sure he cares about you but it certainly doesn't sound like he's in love with you. My ex told me he loved me all the time to, usually in fairness in answer to me asking him, in his case I think he thought he was doing me a favour and he didn't want to be the bad guy, but he most certiainly wasn't in love with me.

He couldn't commit to you, he isn't gay he just doesn't want to be with you.

He does tri s to hide the pain, I know hundreds of people that do tri s, are they trying to cover deep seated issues too? I d do a tri if I was fit enough, it would be a great life experience and sense of achievement, and I might lose weight but I wouldn't be doing it to escape anything. And the nail polish thing is much much stranger on your part that it is on his, I d be pretty annoyed and somewhat weirded out if a girl tried to put nail polish or mascara on me without my consent, and I wear both normally.

The whole thing OP is totally nuts, I don't want to be really harsh but when I was going cuckoo over my ex I was lucky in that I had people in my life who cared enough to tell me how crazy I was being, I didn't listen anyways but I really really should have my life would have been so much better.

Think my ex/friend might be gay or bi and in denial

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