Not driving, would you judge a woman who can't?

caille · 24-10-2015 06:48PM #1

I work in a very large office, mostly women there and it's fine. Nearly everyone there is driving, except for myself and two other people and I get odd vibes off a few when I say I am not driving. I have been in two car crashes (I wasn't driving) which wrecked my confidence but the main reason Im not is because I have mild dyspraxia (only went down the route of getting a diagnosis because of being unable to learn to drive). I only very recently got this diagnosis and it's only now things about me and my life finally make sense (was always the clumsy child, could never do team sport or computer games). There is an issue with my fine motor skills (pun intended :-() )and got missed when I was school because they were so mild and noone back then would have been looking for this.

I know people who are dyspraxic can learn to drive, just it is much harder for them and I have been told that I might never learn (I am really bad, co-ordination and nerves). Because I am so confident in other areas of my life, people wouldnt believe that this is the reason as well.

I would never say this in work (I am not ashamed, actually very very relieved) but now that I know this about myself, I feel a bit peed off that I am probably getting judged for not driving. And now that I think more on it, I realise that not driving has affected me in making friends. I have some very good friends of long standing but I have noticed that in this present office, I feel I have been slightly dismissed by some in there because I am not driving and also in a few evening classes I am going to, everyone there drives and I got a few incredulous looks when i said I don't drive.

I was wondering if some women who drive do judge other women, particularly younger women (I am late 30s) for not driving. I would love a few opinions as it does bother me. I am happily married to a lovely man who has never been bothered about this but even he has got comments about me not driving and how difficult that must be for him, if he wants a drink etc. We don't have kids (that was for other reasons) and that was the reason that comment was made.

rainbow kirby · 24-10-2015 07:10PM

I'm in the process of learning, and I'm in my early 30s - just could never really afford it before recent times! Where I live there is no absolute need to drive - a bike and an Oyster card will get you a long way, but I had been meaning to start for a long time anyway. It seems to be a bigger deal back home because Irish public transport is dire.

RacoonQueen · 25-10-2015 12:01AM

I grew up just outside south inner city, hardly anyone had a car where we lived. Moved to Ballyfermot and public transport links were still fairly good...it wasn't really until my job moved from around the corner to 10 miles away where I'd have had to get a bus and luas and with 30 mins of walking (to bus stop, from bus to luas, from luas to work) that I really got stuck into learning to drive.
I never had any need, now I've become over reliant on a car and fell like I couldn't live without one. We never had one growing up and always coped fine, even with weekly grocery shopping, getting to school, going visiting etc

Dublin people in particular, have no real need for a car. A lot of people I know from Dublin wouldn't be able to drive. My brothers are 35 and 30 and neither can drive. They've no need to really, older brothers wife is from Mayo and drives. I always thought that learning young was a very country thing. A few people I went to school with would have been driving young but they would have been living Shankhill, Killiney etc and would have had more 'need' for a car than I would have where I lived (like needing to drive from the gate of their mansion to their mansion :P ) Anyone who judges you for not driving is an idiot...and rude, how do they know there isn't a valid reason why you don't drive (some people with epilepsy for example, can't drive)

ted1 · 25-10-2015 12:10AM

I started driving the day I turned 17, I started a job when I was 24 that involved driving to customers sites going 50km a year that lasted 10 years I changed job and are now based in Bslksbridge and u cycle in. I couldn't be happier, I really don't miss being stuck in traffic. The only thing I miss might be listening to the radio.
The days of the private car are numbered , anyone living I a city has no need For a private car. So no you won't be judged.

p.s I also have dyspraxia but I have verbal dyspraxia as oppose to motor dyspraxia.

Permabear · 25-10-2015 12:13AM

This post has been deleted.

ted1 · 25-10-2015 12:20AM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Just to follow on from your post there's a good Facebook group for dyspraxia that may help in finding a good instructor( if you still want to learn)
https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=326951799097

bee06 · 25-10-2015 12:28AM

The only reason I'd judge someone for not driving would be if they were forever looking for lifts off others. I used to work with a guy in his late thirties who didn't drive and used to look for lifts of other work people all the time, one in particular. Never once offered to chip in for petrol or anything.

Gongoozler · 25-10-2015 12:39AM

Sorry but I think you're paranoid OP, I imagine that you're picking up something that isn't there. I work in an office with many women and I'm early thirties and don't have a licence. Not once, when chatting about getting to or from work, has anyone ever given me a look or vibe in judgement of me cycling. I just cannot see how anyone at work or in a class would have any cause to concern themselves with that

Even if this is the case and some people have some sort of issue with it, you should try comfort yourself knowing you're not an idiot who's concerned about other people's modes of transport.

Get some lessons, if you want to. It'll affect no one else but you.

IvyTheTerrible · 25-10-2015 11:13AM

I learned how to drive when I was 27, and that was only because I moved from Dublin down the country. If the public transport system is half-way decent and parking is expensive, it's not necessary to drive. I live in a large city in France now and I only drive to do the big shop. All the rest of the time I take the tram, it's actually quicker to get around than trying to cross the city in traffic in the car!
I'd never judge anyone who can't drive.

delahuntv · 25-10-2015 11:27AM

Just brush it off and say you simply have never had an interest in driving.

Another option is to learn to drive an automatic and do a small amount of local driving - then you can say you can drive, but just can't be bothered.

eviltwin · 25-10-2015 11:31AM

Never experienced it myself. Hardly anyone I know drives but they don't need to and cars are expensive to run so it makes sense not to have one. I started at 24 out of necessity and its a definite plus when kids are around but it's a matter of personal preference.

Dial Hard · 25-10-2015 11:57AM

I do think that knowing how to drive is one of those key life skills that all adults should have (knowing how to swim is another one) but I can't say that I'd actively judge anyone for not knowing, more just wonder why they never learned.

And if it was for a reason such as yours, then that'd be the end of that, as far as I'd be concerned.

bscm · 25-10-2015 01:45PM

I suppose whether I'd judge another woman for not driving would depend on their situation. If they lived somewhere out of the way of public transport, had enough money to afford insurance, lessons etc, but chose to depend on their parents/other half/siblings/friends to drive them around, then yes I'd probably be like "why won't you have a licence?". Obviously there could be women in a similar situation who can't drive for valid reasons like being in crashes when they were younger. But it kind of bugs me when I see friends constantly giving out to their moms or brothers for not being a taxi service 24/7, when they themselves have not got a licence out of laziness and the convenience of having people around them driving.

For me, I'm 23 and hopefully having lessons in the next few weeks. I sat my theory test at 16, had my provisional licence pretty much when I turned 17. Only thing that stopped me from learning how to drive was the cost, and the fact my parents had an automatic car and a large, fairly unreliable, family car. Also the whole "insurance equality" thing for young drivers came into play, and being a girl meant less of a discount. It just wasn't feasible for me to get my licence until now because I wasn't able to afford insurance which made having a licence pretty much useless.

I wouldn't judge someone for not being able to drive if they have good reason not to do so (good public transport, bad past experiences, lack of funds). But I do think being able to drive is a good life skill and something that increases your independence.

kylith · 25-10-2015 04:06PM

I'm 33 and just taking my first steps in learning to drive. I grew up in walking distance of a town and moved to Dublin for college so I never needed to learn to drive. I'm only learning to drive now because, ironically, I want to walk more so to walk up the mountains I'll need to drive there and I can't always depend on lifts. It'll be much handier for visiting my parents too; I won't be so constrained by bus timetables.

zeffabelli · 25-10-2015 04:52PM

I can be judgemental but I also don't hold much weight to my judgementalism...my opinion doesn't count for much.

Non drivers are annoying when they are NEVER the designated driver and can be, if on long road trips can't share the driving.

25-10-2015 05:50PM

I am 26 and have only just started to properly learn to drive (bought a car, doing test soon) in the past couple of months. I have no need for a car at all really. I live in a city on a direct bus route/30 minute walk to work. Just wanted to be able to drive if I ever want to move out of the city. Also handy for getting back to my hometown without relying on the bus or train.

Anyway. None of my colleagues have ever judged me or given me strange looks for not driving. It's such a non-issue!

caille · 25-10-2015 05:52PM

Hi, OP here, thanks a mill for all the replies, I really appreciate them. Actually, one of the conditions of Dyspraxia is being quite sensitive so yes, I readily agree that I could be over reacting within the office. However, a few comments were made directly to me, so I wasn't imagining that and I said about the crashes which put them to rest.

I actually go out of my way not to look for lifts etc, to the point of where my husband or my friends almost give out to me for not asking them, at times. I live in a part of Dublin where public transport is excellent and Im within walking distance of every amenity. Where I find its an issue is when I go down the country to see my parents (who both drive and are brilliant, understand the Dyspraxia and feel terrible that it was missed) and I worry about the day where neither of them might be able to drive anymore and I couldn't help them there (they live in a very rural area). Ironically, both of them love driving and are determined to keep doing it as long as they can.

Your replies have really helped me figure out a few things, ie, that Im glad I know Im not annoying people for lifts and that I am actually quite independent in getting around, in my own way. I didn't know about the Dyspraxia facebook page, I will definitely check that out.

As for learning to drive again, yes, I already knew about instructors who teach people with dyspraxia (got great info in the Irish Times health supplement a while back on that), so I don't want to give up completely.

LeeLooLee · 25-10-2015 08:38PM

I've never learned how to drive because I've never had the money. Lessons are mad expensive, and you really need a car to practice in and someone to take you out driving. I left home young and have moved around a lot, living in different countries, so I just never had the opportunity. I would love to learn. It would be great to have a wee car to drive out into the countryside or across Europe. I'm really into camping and hiking, so that's obviously a lot easier with a car. If anyone wants to judge me for not driving, they're free to give me the money to do so!

meeeeh · 26-10-2015 11:31AM

Dial Hard wrote: »

I do think that knowing how to drive is one of those key life skills that all adults should have (knowing how to swim is another one) but I can't say that I'd actively judge anyone for not knowing, more just wonder why they never learned.

And if it was for a reason such as yours, then that'd be the end of that, as far as I'd be concerned.

This.

Where I come from first aid is part of driving test. High school would organize it for us in conjunction with driving school. Majority of us would learn how to drive at 18, I was fairly late passing my test a week after I was 19. It doesn't have that much to do with public transport, mostly that the largest city is couple of hundred thousabd inhabitants. If you don't drive the enjoyment and variety of activities you can do is limited.

Maybe because I come from a country where couple of hours drive could get you into four different countries, to the sea, Alps, vineyards etc, I can't imagine adults not wanting to drive unless there are medical reasons for it. Similarly I think Irish countryside is so amazing that you don't want to be limited to public transport.

woodchuck · 26-10-2015 09:32PM

I wouldn't judge anyone who can't drive. I'm 30 and only got my license a couple of years ago. And even at that, there was no really need for it. Where I live there is fairly decent public transport to get to and from the city centre, where I work and do most of my socialising. I only use the car the odd time and sometimes purely for the sake of it just to keep myself from getting too rusty. Even though I didn't need to learn how to drive, my reasons for learning were:
(i) If I ever get a job that I can't easily reach by public transport.
(ii) If I ever want to apply for a job that actually requires a full driving license (I've seen it on quite a few job specs in the past).
(iii) If I ever have kids. I couldn't imagine doing public transport with a baby!!
Even though none of these thing are on the cards for me at the moment (and possibly never will be) I'd much rather have my license and the skill so that I'm not panicking to learn in a short space of time when I really DO need it.

But as I said, I'd never judge anyone for not being able to drive. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever done and I can completely see why people wouldn't learn until they really need to. And there could be all sorts of physical and psychological reasons why someone might not be learning to drive (e.g. if they have epilepsy).

fussyonion · 26-10-2015 10:17PM

I wouldn't judge a woman but (and this sounds terrible) but I would think it was weird if a man never learned how to drive.
I know, I know....I can't explain it, I just would.

eviltwin · 26-10-2015 10:24PM

fussyonion wrote: »

I wouldn't judge a woman but (and this sounds terrible) but I would think it was weird if a man never learned how to drive.
I know, I know....I can't explain it, I just would.

Men don't learn for the same reasons women don't, nothing weird about it

LynnGrace · 27-10-2015 09:53AM

No, I wouldn't judge anyone. I love driving, and learned to drive as early as I could. I have relatives and friends who don't drive, mostly because where they live, they have no need to do so, and keeping a car taxed, insured, serviced, filled with fuel and so on, would make no sense for them.

Riverireland · 27-10-2015 10:05AM

caille wrote: »

I work in a very large office, mostly women there and it's fine. Nearly everyone there is driving, except for myself and two other people and I get odd vibes off a few when I say I am not driving. I have been in two car crashes (I wasn't driving) which wrecked my confidence but the main reason Im not is because I have mild dyspraxia (only went down the route of getting a diagnosis because of being unable to learn to drive). I only very recently got this diagnosis and it's only now things about me and my life finally make sense (was always the clumsy child, could never do team sport or computer games). There is an issue with my fine motor skills (pun intended :-() )and got missed when I was school because they were so mild and noone back then would have been looking for this.

I know people who are dyspraxic can learn to drive, just it is much harder for them and I have been told that I might never learn (I am really bad, co-ordination and nerves). Because I am so confident in other areas of my life, people wouldnt believe that this is the reason as well.

I would never say this in work (I am not ashamed, actually very very relieved) but now that I know this about myself, I feel a bit peed off that I am probably getting judged for not driving. And now that I think more on it, I realise that not driving has affected me in making friends. I have some very good friends of long standing but I have noticed that in this present office, I feel I have been slightly dismissed by some in there because I am not driving and also in a few evening classes I am going to, everyone there drives and I got a few incredulous looks when i said I don't drive.

I was wondering if some women who drive do judge other women, particularly younger women (I am late 30s) for not driving. I would love a few opinions as it does bother me. I am happily married to a lovely man who has never been bothered about this but even he has got comments about me not driving and how difficult that must be for him, if he wants a drink etc. We don't have kids (that was for other reasons) and that was the reason that comment was made.

Firstly congratulations on getting your diagnosis, it must be a relief for you. I have a young family member with dyspraxia and often though how hard it must be for someone who had to go through school undiagnosed years ago.

With regard to not driving I think with people living in the city it is actually becoming more common. I have worked with non drivers of both sexes. I think because driving gives you such freedom people do kind of wait for a reason as to why you don't drive. I don't think it's more complex than that.

LeeLooLee · 27-10-2015 12:17PM

Has anyone any experience of learning to drive in their thirties, without access to their own car or anyone to take them driving? I would really like to learn, but it seems really hard to do so in this situation. I'm also living abroad and haven't totally mastered the local language yet.

meeeeh · 27-10-2015 02:57PM

fussyonion wrote: »

I wouldn't judge a woman but (and this sounds terrible) but I would think it was weird if a man never learned how to drive.
I know, I know....I can't explain it, I just would.

It's old fashioned. Women are not just housewives anymore and kids very often don't cycle or walk to school. I think women need to drive as much as or as little as men do.

In our house I am main driver if we go somewhere. In Ireland there is a chance the whole drive will be spent by my partner having worked related calls. When on holidays we are usually on the continent and I am more adapted to driving on the opposite side. Plus I like to drive. I prefer him handling the Sat nav.

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Has anyone any experience of learning to drive in their thirties, without access to their own car or anyone to take them driving? I would really like to learn, but it seems really hard to do so in this situation. I'm also living abroad and haven't totally mastered the local language yet.

It will depend what local rules are. Where I come from there is no provisional license. You learn with instructor in his car which is equipped with aditonal brake pedal on passenger side. It took me about 40 hours and I was really bad at learning. I know a woman who learned at sixty after her husband died.

I must say I am in favour of learning with the instructor anyway because they let you out of the car park only when you are ready plus there are some bad habits you can pick up if someone doesn't correct you. After passing the exam you have to drive though or you will never be a confident and competent driver.

Teafor two12345 · 27-10-2015 03:18PM

Judging anyone is in general a bad idea. It's no one's business what others do. And if you do go around publicly judging and belittling others subtly for the way they live people know the issue is yours. You want to drive great.

Don't mind anyone else's business. It doesn't affect you in anyway.

meeeeh · 27-10-2015 04:00PM

I think no normal person would judge someone for not driving or avoid being friends with them (what is that about) but there are possibly some things you won't be able to participate in if you don't drive and other people don't live in your area. The comparison with swimming is a good one . It's not something you can't live without but it will limit you in certain ways (unless you live somewhere where car is serious hinderance but even then it is handy if you can rent one if needed).,

Lux23 · 27-10-2015 05:12PM

I don't drive and I have never wanted to. I am thinking of getting my learners permit soon but I won't buy a car, I don't want to have to spend the little money I have left over on a car that will sit outside my door all week.

intheclouds · 03-11-2015 05:33PM

I dont feel particularly judgemental about it one way or the other, I have friends who dont drive because they dont need to or cant afford it.

However, I do feel all adults should have the ability to drive, even if they dont have a car.

I always found it annoying dating someone who didnt drive when I did and the expectation always being that I would be the one to drive us to various places and never be able to have a drink. Or if we holidayed and rented a car - no ability to share the driving. To say nothing of having to constantly collect and drop them to various things - it becomes irritating when only one half of a couple is capable of driving.

My husband doesnt have a car now but he can drive my car so although it is primarily mine, he shares any driving where we are both in the car or borrows it for appointments where public transport or cycling are not practical.

In the event of an accident, natural disaster etc... its just better to be able to drive. IMO.

Mozzeltoff · 06-11-2015 05:53PM

I know how to drive and was driving up until about two/three years ago. Brakes on the car failed and it was very unsafe to drive. Even though my OH is a mechanic, we just couldn't afford to put it back on the road at the time. Then we moved back to town and I never bothered my head getting back on the road. If I want to go to town, I walk. A taxi out to work is only the bones of a fiver. Recently however I have expressed an interest in going back on the road with a motorbike rather than a car. It's cheaper to run, maintain, tax and insure. Getting the license is possibly the most expensive part.

I know it's a lot more dangerous than a car but I have being up on bikes and I honestly feel I can drive one better than any car.

Not driving, would you judge a woman who can't?

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