Depressed boyfriend break up-do they return to normal?

LegacyUser · 11-10-2015 07:07AM #1

I'm not sure if I have used the correct term when I say come back to normal. Basically my boyfriend of over a year has broken up with me because he is suffering depression and has said that it's not fair on me because he can't give me the attention a relationship needs.
I think I can just about understand his reasoning. How can he work on a relationship if his head is all over the place.
He is not himself, he's cold, almost emotionless. He was distant and moody,He had pulling away from me recently and I couldn't understand why until out of the blue he broke up with me .
I'm heartbroken , I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. It feels like the future I had built up in my mind is gone and right now it feels like it's bleak and lonely.
I know that I have to let him heal and he needs his space
What I want to know/ don't understand, is , Do depressed people return to the person they used to be when the depression is over ( does it heal?)
Will he realise he's made a mistake and want to come back to me? ( I know none of you can answer that, what I mean is, has anyone experience of their depressed partner returning to their old selves?!)
I feel so hurt right now and I just wish he could have let me help him with this instead of cutting me off

zoobizoo · 11-10-2015 12:19PM

Depression passes with the right help so don't give up hope.

Is he getting the help he needs?

RentDayBlues · 11-10-2015 12:31PM

Being in a relationship with someone with depression is very hard, and "getting back to normal" may not be what you expect, even with treatment it's hard for everyone

LegacyUser · 11-10-2015 06:34PM

zoobizoo wrote: »

Depression passes with the right help so don't give up hope.

Is he getting the help he needs?

Yeah he's seeing the doctor and getting help.
I guess maybe I'm holding on to the hope he might wake up some day and decide he wants me back. That he would like me to help him through this . I don't know if I can help him? Do I just give him the space he wants or do I try stay in contact and let him know I'm still there for him?

stickybookmark · 12-10-2015 10:08AM

I don't mean to be harsh but sometimes people give a reason for a break up which is not 100% honest (ok let's face it most people do this all the time!) usually people seek an excuse which sounds plausible, in his case his illness.
So if his depression isn't 100% the reason for the break up it could be, that even if he gets better, he still might want the break up to stand. You'd be better off steeling yourself for the worst and I'd say you should try to move on from this guy.

zoobizoo · 12-10-2015 12:52PM

Sad lonely and confused wrote: »

Do I just give him the space he wants or do I try stay in contact and let him know I'm still there for him?

I think the advice I would give is just be there for him as a friend for the time being.

m-a-i- · 12-10-2015 01:15PM

I could have written this not a month ago. Our relationship ended a few weeks ago and although I'm hurting we both knew that it was best for both of us to just be friends while he gets the help that he needed.
He was cold, emotionless, described himself as dead inside and it hurt for me to hear that. Despite my best attempts to try and make his life easier nothing worked and it had to come to a point where we both thought that we deserved better and just needed to be each others friend. we love each other as friends and will be there for each other but he needed his space and I needed to look after myself as I felt that I was becoming anxious and stressed and depressed as a result of his mood swings.
He is doing better and although he is hurting from our relationship ending I know it was the best thing for both of us.
You are your own wonderful person and you need to look after yourself first and just be there for him if he needs someone to talk to but not let yourself get to a bad place in the meantime. Look after yourself OP. I've been there. it will get easier. You deserve happiness and the love and support of your partner as much as he does. He might not be able for it now but who knows once he starts to get better x

baby and crumble · 12-10-2015 01:38PM

As someone who experiences depression, I guess I'm coming at this from a different angle.

I don't know if you ever return to the exact way you were before depression developed- I know I'm different now. Not to the point of being "unrecognisable" or anything, but I am more aware of my own emotions, and of others. Luckily I never pushed my partner far enough, so we're still together and thank god for that.

I would say, if you can, stay in his life as a friend. He needs friends now, and a surprising amount of people just leave you to your own devices while waiting for you to "get back to normal". He needs someone in his life who is there for all of it. He mightn't even want you there, but let him know you are.

Be aware that it is possible he will always be someone who experiences depression. Mental health is not always "curable" like some people think. I liken it to someone who gets regular colds or have dodgy ankles. Sometimes there's zero issue, sometimes you just feel awful and you have to deal with it each time. But it gets easier as you do, as you start to see your symptoms before it really develops.

LegacyUser · 12-10-2015 08:26PM

Thank you so much for the replies so far, it has helped to hear I'm not the only one this has happened to.
I think I'll let him know that I'm there for him if he needs me and then he can decide from there if he wants to talk or not.
I was very angry when we broke up but I also know that it was for the best. He had become a different person and I was being dragged down with him. In saying that I didn't want to let go just yet. I thought that if he got the medical help he needed that I could be there to support him. He needs to do this on his own and I respect that.
I just can't picture a future without him even though I know I have to move on as if that's the way it's going to be. I can't imagine dating anyone else, the thought seems foreign to me even though in the grand scheme of life we haven't been together for that long.

Depressed boyfriend break up-do they return to normal?

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