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Your most embarrassing sex story

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Comments

  • #782
    themissymoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 111 ✭✭themissymoo


    When I was 12/13, my friends decided to nickname our friend Dodie "Dodildo." I hadn't a clue what a dildo was, and used the nickname when referring to her while telling school stories to my family. She was also called it in front of the teachers, and I decorated my A4 pad with "Amy, Kelly, Dodildo, etc BFFs forever."

    The mortification when I found out what it was was unbearable. I still feel sick!


  • #783
    Joe prim
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 919 ✭✭✭Joe prim


    Buona Fortuna wrote: »
    Yes - it took me a good while too :o

    Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?


  • #784
    kfallon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Joe prim wrote: »
    Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

    Jenny Thalia and Penny Tration know each other YEARS!!!


  • #785
    Joe prim
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 919 ✭✭✭Joe prim


    this girl I know was having a threesome , and one of the guys turned out to be BONO, so she asked the other guy to take a picture of them with his iPhone, and when she got home and showed the pic to her ma, it turned out the other guy was BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN...she was only morto, actually she's a cousin of mine, or rather, she works with my cousin, well, he's not really my cousin exactly.......


  • #786
    KERSPLAT!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 31,152 ✭✭✭✭KERSPLAT!


    Brought a girl back to my mams house when I was about 20, was still living there at the time. Mams car was gone so thought, happy days, this should be fun. Got down to business with a bit of a loud finish.

    Had work the next morning so told the girl I'd walk her home. Just as I walk out my bedroom door I hear a voice from my mams room:

    "KERSPLAT, what the hell are you doing!!??"

    Me: "AH bollox, quick, get out!!!"

    Spoke to her when I got back and apologised profusely, she was not a happy camper, was the last time the girl i brought back spoke to me too :/


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  • #787
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    my mate brought a girl back once while his parents were asleep

    post sex he nipped out for a piss and ran into his dad on the landing outside the jacks.
    "who's that in there?" demanded the dad

    panic stricken he decided to say it was "sarah" his mates long term gf and said she was pissed and needed a place to stay. using her name would ok cos his parents knew her.
    unfortunately his parents had heard his entire sexual adventure and his dad was so angry that he went behind his mates back that he boxed him full force in the face and said my mate was all sorts and to get that tramp out of the the house.

    anyway mate got girl out , still unseen by parents as the dad went back to bed. apart from a swollen cheek he was ok.

    few weeks later the real sarah rang on the house phone looking for my mate only to be met with abuse from his mother calling her a slag and a tramp and her not knowing wtf was going on.

    poor girl.


  • #788
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Joe prim wrote: »
    Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

    I suppose you could say we're so close, we know each other inside out!


  • #789
    galljga1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,938 ✭✭✭galljga1


    This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.


  • #790
    syklops
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭syklops


    galljga1 wrote: »
    This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

    Wow, a new, fresh joke.


  • #791
    syklops
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭syklops


    arayess wrote: »
    my mate brought a girl back once while his parents were asleep

    post sex he nipped out for a piss and ran into his dad on the landing outside the jacks.
    "who's that in there?" demanded the dad

    panic stricken he decided to say it was "sarah" his mates long term gf and said she was pissed and needed a place to stay. using her name would ok cos his parents knew her.
    unfortunately his parents had heard his entire sexual adventure and his dad was so angry that he went behind his mates back that he boxed him full force in the face and said my mate was all sorts and to get that tramp out of the the house.

    anyway mate got girl out , still unseen by parents as the dad went back to bed. apart from a swollen cheek he was ok.

    few weeks later the real sarah rang on the house phone looking for my mate only to be met with abuse from his mother calling her a slag and a tramp and her not knowing wtf was going on.

    poor girl.

    Another " my mate" story. Anyone else need a pinch of salt?


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  • #792
    serenity_now
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1 ✭serenity_now


    So I was at a party in college and met a cute girl, one thing lead to another and I got a bj in the kitchen during which in the throes of passion I nearly took my eye out on a press door and ended up in casualty. No permanent damage thankfully, just a black eye.
    Fast fwd 6 months and I'm happily going out with another girl and on a night out we meet up with one of her cousins. Needless to say
    we had already been acquainted. I eventually told the new girlfriend the story and we are married now and together 16 years.


  • #793
    dubstarr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,762 ✭✭✭✭dubstarr


    Joe prim wrote: »
    Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

    Genetalia,and penetration:D


  • #794
    Mint Aero
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,570 ✭✭✭Mint Aero


    arayess wrote: »
    my mate brought a girl back once while his parents were asleep

    post sex he nipped out for a piss and ran into his dad on the landing outside the jacks.
    "who's that in there?" demanded the dad

    panic stricken he decided to say it was "sarah" his mates long term gf and said she was pissed and needed a place to stay. using her name would ok cos his parents knew her.
    unfortunately his parents had heard his entire sexual adventure and his dad was so angry that he went behind his mates back that he boxed him full force in the face and said my mate was all sorts and to get that tramp out of the the house.

    anyway mate got girl out , still unseen by parents as the dad went back to bed. apart from a swollen cheek he was ok.

    few weeks later the real sarah rang on the house phone looking for my mate only to be met with abuse from his mother calling her a slag and a tramp and her not knowing wtf was going on.

    poor girl.

    I've read this twice now and still no idea what it's about. But I'm drunk on sherry, so...


  • #795
    Birneybau
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,424 ✭✭✭✭Birneybau


    Mint Aero wrote: »
    I've read this twice now and still no idea what it's about. But I'm drunk on sherry, so...

    Reads pretty straightforward to me.


  • #796
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    dubstarr wrote: »
    Genetalia,and penetration:D

    Yes, I enjoy both of those.


  • #797
    IvaBigWun
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,368 ✭✭✭IvaBigWun


    smurgen wrote: »
    Glued my hands to a Brazilian girl's tits.thought it was baby oil.turns out it was hair extension glue.

    I hope you did the right thing and stayed there for 3 days.


  • #798
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    syklops wrote: »
    Another " my mate" story. Anyone else need a pinch of salt?

    nah , no bravado in said story .
    nothing to gain .,.
    but no was my mate , still is a good mate...was his best man a few years ago
    Mint Aero wrote: »
    I've read this twice now and still no idea what it's about. But I'm drunk on sherry, so...

    ah ,man
    i'm drunk too

    basically
    guy brings girl back to parents
    has sex - parents hear.
    dad meets him in toilet post sex and asks him who lady is
    he is afraid they freak cos he brought random girl home so says she is a girl who his mate is seeing thinking since his parents know her it'll be cool. but the parents heard the sex.
    dad is angry cos my mate was shagging his buddies gf. (even though it wasn't her) dad punches mate .
    the real mate's gf rings a few weeks later and my mates mam calls her loads bad names cos she thinks she had sex with my mate behind his pals back.

    ok if that doesn't make sense i can't help you...i'm too drunk to do better


  • #799
    Joe prim
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 919 ✭✭✭Joe prim


    dubstarr wrote: »
    Genetalia,and penetration:D

    Errr...thanks , but I actually got it, I was pretending to misunderstand for comic effect...obviously I failed......miserably, but, thanks again....:mad:


  • #800
    J Mysterio
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,202 ✭✭✭✭J Mysterio


    Joe prim wrote: »
    Errr...thanks , but I actually got it, I was pretending to misunderstand for comic effect...obviously I failed......miserably, but, thanks again....:mad:

    We thought you were both prim... And proper.


  • #801
    iamtony
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭iamtony


    Just read all 67 pages lol! It took me all day but it was fun.

    Anyway best I've got it is me and the missus missionary when we were only together a while and I had my heAd beside her Head breathing heavy when all of a sudden I inhaled her hair and I nearly choked to death!
    Afterwards we kept going while laughing to each other.
    Ah the memories! Tame but I really felt I had to contribute after reading all those years of excellent stories!


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  • #802
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    arayess wrote: »
    nah , no bravado in said story .
    nothing to gain .,.
    but no was my mate , still is a good mate...was his best man a few years ago



    ah ,man
    i'm drunk too

    basically
    guy brings girl back to parents
    has sex - parents hear.
    dad meets him in toilet post sex and asks him who lady is
    he is afraid they freak cos he brought random girl home so says she is a girl who his mate is seeing thinking since his parents know her it'll be cool. but the parents heard the sex.
    dad is angry cos my mate was shagging his buddies gf. (even though it wasn't her) dad punches mate .
    the real mate's gf rings a few weeks later and my mates mam calls her loads bad names cos she thinks she had sex with my mate behind his pals back.

    ok if that doesn't make sense i can't help you...i'm too drunk to do better

    Seriously, if that's true, your mate's da is some dickhead.


  • #803
    blueser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,740 ✭✭✭✭blueser


    What is this "sex" that people speak of?


  • #804
    Birneybau
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,424 ✭✭✭✭Birneybau


    blueser wrote: »
    What is this "sex" that people speak of?

    Well Blueser, have you ever seen a gladiator movie?


  • #805
    eeguy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,478 ✭✭✭eeguy


    I was going out with a girl for a few months and one night I was over at hers.

    Her parents are fairly well on and very conservative so I wasn't allowed up to the bedrooms and they were always coming into the living room to make sure we were behaving.
    Now she lives in the country and most of her family have houses on the same road, so she mentions her uncle is on holidays and his house is empty. Perfect place to get some alone time.

    She gets the spare key and we make our way over to the house in the dark of night.
    We get in the door but we can't turn the lights on incase one of the family or neighbours notices them and calls around.

    So we're going up the stairs and in the darkness I can make out all these holy pictures and Jesus statues. Fair enough, they're a religious family.

    We get to the uncle's bedroom and do the deed.
    About 20 mins later when the deed is done, I turn on the bedside lamp to make sure we haven't left any evidence of our visit. As soon as I turn on the light I see a huge picture of the Virgin Mary above the bed, loads of other holy pictures and books around the room.

    So I asked the gf what the hell was going on in this house.

    She answers "Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. My uncle's a priest".


  • #806
    eeguy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,478 ✭✭✭eeguy


    On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

    We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

    About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

    Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.


  • #807
    petrolcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 898 ✭✭✭petrolcan


    eeguy wrote: »
    On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

    We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

    About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

    Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

    That's feckin evil!


  • #808
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    Seriously, if that's true, your mate's da is some dickhead.

    I know the dad well and he is a difficult fella alright.

    But in that situation I think he was justified, in fact in hindsight my mate thinks he was right too given his knowledge of the situation.
    This happened in the mid 90s.

    If your son brought his friend's gf back for a ride in your house behind his friends back , would you be fine with it? Finding out your son was riding his mate's gf in any case would be a shock. A dig in the head wouldn't be an unreasonable response at 4am to such a shock.


  • #809
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    arayess wrote: »
    I know the dad well and he is a difficult fella alright.

    But in that situation I think he was justified, in fact in hindsight my mate thinks he was right too given his knowledge of the situation.
    This happened in the mid 90s.

    If your son brought his friend's gf back for a ride in your house behind his friends back , would you be fine with it? Finding out your pal was riding his mate's gf in any case would be a shock. A dig in the head wouldn't be an unreasonable response at 4am to such a shock.

    You think your man punching his own son in the face is reasonable and justified? :eek:

    I must live a very sheltered life…


  • #810
    Blitzkrieger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,669 ✭✭✭Blitzkrieger


    Probably tame by the standards of this thread, but I once... arrived unexpectedly in a girl's mouth. In my defence she could only expect one outcome after blowing me for so long and I gave her two warnings - one at T -90 and another at T -30. Three if you count the "Oh ****!" at T - 0.5. She wasn't happy....

    TBH I've never been good at the 'What do you want to do with the jizz' conversation. :o


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  • #811
    Tompatrick
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 210 ✭✭Tompatrick


    One of the lads brought a lass back to his gaff. They were both fairly jarred. She had her sexy buttons pierced and was wearing large rings. Large enough for yer man to slip his knob through for a kinky BJ. Cue ensuing disaster when he slipped and his hard knob ripped off a sexy button. ! Oucheeeeeee


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