meal with friends after wedding-who pays?

monday monday · 28-07-2015 03:16PM #1

Hi all.

getting married at the end of September and have decided to just have a small family affair. but we would like to go out for a meal maybe and a few drinks with our friend and some extended family a few weeks after the wedding just as a little celebration. nothing major really, just a night out. about 35 people in total.
the thing is..will we be expected to pay for the meal? I cant really afford to bring 35 people out for dinner hence the small family wedding. what you guys think?

lazygal · 28-07-2015 03:31PM

My rule is if I invite, I pay. If you can't afford a meal what about paying for finger food in a pub and a few drinks or a party at home?

monday monday · 28-07-2015 03:37PM

lazygal wrote: »

My rule is if I invite, I pay. If you can't afford a meal what about paying for finger food in a pub and a few drinks or a party at home?

yep thinking i'll have to pay. I sound awful stingy don't I?!! I don't mind really, we'll manage. just wondering what the general consensus would be. ive been out for meals for my friends birthdays that they've organised where we paid for the meal ourselves so I thinking along those lines. but I guess a meal for a wedding might be seen differently.

the other 2 options aren't a goer I'm afraid.

thanks for the reply.

_Whimsical_ · 28-07-2015 03:42PM

monday monday wrote: »

yep thinking i'll have to pay. I sound awful stingy don't I?!! I don't mind really, we'll manage. just wondering what the general consensus would be. ive been out for meals for my friends birthdays that they've organised where we paid for the meal ourselves so I thinking along those lines. but I guess a meal for a wedding might be seen differently.

the other 2 options aren't a goer I'm afraid.

thanks for the reply.

Maybe if you told them you didn't want any gifts but just the pleasure of their company they might be happy to pay for the meal themselves.
In general though, unless otherwise arranged, if you invite, you pay I think.

MrWalsh · 28-07-2015 03:44PM

We were invited to a family dinner after our wedding and when the bill came my brother in law directed it to us

monday monday · 28-07-2015 03:47PM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Maybe if you told them you didn't want any gifts but just the pleasure of their company they might be happy to pay for the meal themselves.
In general though, unless otherwise arranged, if you invite, you pay I think.

yeah they are all out best mates and I know if they even thought I was worrying about this they would be mad at me. I'm one of the last to get married and their weddings involved over nighters and hens abroad(im not having a hen) and all the usual expense of a wedding. I thought if mine just involves a meal out they'd be happy to pay. and I know they would be happy to pay its just that awkward bit when the bill comes out. I may be overthinking this.

MrWalsh · 28-07-2015 03:49PM

monday monday wrote: »

yeah they are all out best mates and I know if they even thought I was worrying about this they would be mad at me. I'm one of the last to get married and their weddings involved over nighters and hens abroad(im not having a hen) and all the usual expense of a wedding. I thought if mine just involves a meal out they'd be happy to pay. and I know they would be happy to pay its just that awkward bit when the bill comes out. I may be overthinking this.

I personally think its hugely scabby to invite 35 people to dinner to celebrate your wedding then have them pay. If you cant pay then dont invite people to dinner. Did they ask you to pay for dinner at their weddings?

monday monday · 28-07-2015 03:56PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

I personally think its hugely scabby to invite 35 people to dinner to celebrate your wedding then have them pay. If you cant pay then dont invite people to dinner. Did they ask you to pay for dinner at their weddings?

fair enough. but for the record I'm not a "hugely scabby" person. no of course they didn't ask me to pay for a meal at their wedding.!! but my wedding doesn't involve the usual expenses of going to a wedding. its just a meal.
I was at 2 hens in the uk 6 weeks apart a few years ago for 2 of my best mates. they both involved dinners and activities. between the 2 it cost me nearly a grand. but i didn't mind in the slightest. i didn't have to go after all, it was my choice.

I'm probably going to pay for meal but i aint no scab ..:(

MrWalsh · 28-07-2015 04:04PM

monday monday wrote: »

fair enough. but for the record I'm not a "hugely scabby" person. no of course they didn't ask me to pay for a meal at their wedding.!! but my wedding doesn't involve the usual expenses of going to a wedding. its just a meal.
I was at 2 hens in the uk 6 weeks apart a few years ago for 2 of my best mates. they both involved dinners and activities. between the 2 it cost me nearly a grand. but i didn't mind in the slightest. i didn't have to go after all, it was my choice.

I'm probably going to pay for meal but i aint no scab ..:(

Im not saying that you are hugely scabby, but what you are suggesting sounds hugely scabby.

It doesnt matter that your wedding doesnt involve the "usual" expenses of going to a wedding, some people will still have expenses associated with going to a meal, an outfit, babysitters, perhaps moving other plans around etc...

The hens you went on were probably not organised by the hens themselves were they? Any hen I have been on has been organised by bridesmaids or friends so I am not "invited to celebrate" in that instance, I am agreeing to go and party with the hen.

If you are having a dinner to celebrate your wedding then you are inviting people to celebrate with you.

The fact that you are even looking at how much you spent in attending things for other people says something. I dont think that these things are transactional, you dont get the dinner paid for because you went to someone elses hen weekend. If you felt that by attending other peoples hens and weddings that you were "banking" against your own then I think you were probably wrong. I certainly wouldnt view attendance by choice at an event as something I was "owed" back for.

monday monday · 28-07-2015 04:12PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

Im not saying that you are hugely scabby, but what you are suggesting sounds hugely scabby.

It doesnt matter that your wedding doesnt involve the "usual" expenses of going to a wedding, some people will still have expenses associated with going to a meal, an outfit, babysitters, perhaps moving other plans around etc...

The hens you went on were probably not organised by the hens themselves were they? Any hen I have been on has been organised by bridesmaids or friends so I am not "invited to celebrate" in that instance, I am agreeing to go and party with the hen.

If you are having a dinner to celebrate your wedding then you are inviting people to celebrate with you.

The fact that you are even looking at how much you spent in attending things for other people says something. I dont think that these things are transactional, you dont get the dinner paid for because you went to someone elses hen weekend. If you felt that by attending other peoples hens and weddings that you were "banking" against your own then I think you were probably wrong. I certainly wouldnt view attendance by choice at an event as something I was "owed" back for.

we have decided to pay for the meal. i agree that we invited our friends, so we will pay. no problem there.

but everything you said in the latter part of your message is actually quite hurtful. i don't think anything is "owed" back to me. that is not the kind of person i am at all. i was just making a point and you have made a sweeping generalisation of what kind of person that makes me.

thanks for input but i will leave thread at that. only a few messages in and its already turned snipey .

MrWalsh · 28-07-2015 04:16PM

monday monday wrote: »

we have decided to pay for the meal. i agree that we invited our friends, so we will pay. no problem there.

but everything you said in the latter part of your message is actually quite hurtful. i don't think anything is "owed" back to me. that is not the kind of person i am at all. i was just making a point and you have made a sweeping generalisation of what kind of person that makes me.

thanks for input but i will leave thread at that. only a few messages in and its already turned snipey .

Im sorry you didnt like my post, in fact I tried to keep it as bland as I could so you wouldnt be offended!

But you brought up how much you had spent on previous hens, so why would you have brought that up at all if you werent viewing it as some kind of transaction?

I definitely wasnt trying to snipe at you, I dont care if you invite 100 people to dinner and ask them to pay for your whole families dinner!

I simply gave you an outsiders viewpoint.

_Whimsical_ · 28-07-2015 04:19PM

I can understand how you feel here, I don't think it's necessarily scabby. You've gone to people's weddings, given gifts, bought outfits and gone to hens abroad as you say and while hens are nice they are also an expense you feel you can't afford to refuse. It probably does feel you're drawing the short straw on the reciprocal tit for tat merry go round that is the Irish wedding circuit. Unfortunately your friends probably won't think like that. If I was you I'd consider a less expensive "party", maybe drinks, finger food, a bbq at home, a tea party, anything that's not 30/40 a head but might get your friends together.
If you're set on dinner, you will probably have to pay though.

sillysmiles · 28-07-2015 04:25PM

OP for our engagement we brought our families out for a Sunday Lunch. It was in a local pub with a separate room and the venue did a set menu for about €25/person. Our families hadn't met before so we didn't want the wedding to be when they first met.
It's an expensive dinner but a lot cheaper than a wedding!

In the long run I think if you find somewhere that you can have a separate area and get them to provide a set menu, and then forget about the cost (within reason). I know it can be stressful, but after a few months the cost will be forgotten.

sillysmiles · 28-07-2015 04:28PM

monday monday wrote: »

i don't think anything is "owed" back to me. that is not the kind of person i am at all.

To be fair, this is an internet board - no one knows what kind of a person anyone is.

SillyBeans · 28-07-2015 04:54PM

Could you speak to the restaurant beforehand and agree some sort of set menu? In that instance I'd definitely expect you to pay but at least you'd know how much. However, if it's more of a thing where everyone just orders what they want, I'd be surprised if anyone let you pay (unless you went and sorted the bill before people realised). You'll have already had your wedding (even if it's small, it still counts!

) so this is just an extra little celebration. It's a bit different to you not paying at their weddings. Don't overthink it anyway or you'll ruin it for yourself. Congratulations on the upcoming marriage and have a lovely time

Tell me how · 28-07-2015 05:03PM

I think you are entitled to ask for opinions here and some of the responses didn't need to be so blunt.

People would expect to be invited to a wedding and to not have to pay for their dinner, as some of your friends might not be going to the wedding (If I understood correctly) they would likely see it as unfair to miss out on that but possibly have to pay for a "Wedding" dinner just a few weeks later. I do agree that you should foot the bill as it is your celebration and when inviting people to let them know that it is your treat. It will relax people and make them more likely to be appreciative and to enjoy themselves.

The meal may be expensive but then so are most weddings. You should be able to arrange a fixed price menu with a restaurant for a reasonable amount plus if you add in a couple of drinks per person will allow you to know in advance (ball park) what the cost will be.

I would suggest trying to set the date for the meal and booking the restaurant as soon as possible, that will give more scope to haggle and agree price as they will be able to set that evening aside in advance as a confirmed booking.

Hope you're excited and have a great time.

robindch · 28-07-2015 05:32PM

monday monday wrote: »

getting married at the end of September and have decided to just have a small family affair. but we would like to go out for a meal maybe and a few drinks with our friend and some extended family a few weeks after the wedding just as a little celebration. nothing major really, just a night out. about 35 people in total. the thing is..will we be expected to pay for the meal?

As you can see from the replies here, some people wouldn't expect the meal to be paid for and some would.

Personally, I wouldn't bother inviting out 35 close friends for a meal a few weeks after my wedding in order to avoid exactly this kind of social mess. Unless I happened to have the cash free to pay for them of course.

And on the recipients' side, it's equally unclear - if it's a fancy restaurant, then they probably don't want to be paying top dollar to celebrate your marriage. To offset this, you could say that you'll be contributing a few hundred euro to the final bill or something like that, but that might pale if they see 34 other people there and start mentally dividing cash by diners. Or you could negotiate a fixed-price menu which is paid for, or an a-la-carte which they pay for. That's going to get messy though.

And I'd avoid going to somewhere fancy as I can honestly say that I've never been to a mid-to-high-range restaurant in Ireland which has provided what I would consider value for money. If, however, fanciness is something you're concerned about, then I'd just book a fancy place, invite everybody and pay for them. Remember the old (?) line about weddings:

Every wedding is driven by three fundamental parameters - the degree of fanciness, the number of attendees and the cost. But you can control only two.

If it were me, I'd forget about the restaurant idea altogether and invite everybody over for a barbecue somewhere and ask them to bring something small - salad, booze, dessert, whatever. The evening is likely to be more fun, it'll certainly be cheaper and by contributing, people will feel part of what's going on.

Best of luck!

JohnBee · 28-07-2015 05:43PM

Simplest solution has already been suggested if money is an issue but here are my two cents anyway.

Decide what the purpose of the event is. If it is a surrogate wedding, ie a meal out, nice restaurant, 35 people seated in a room, then 2 me it IS a surrogate wedding, just not on same day as ceremony. In that case people will expect you to pay.

However, if your goal is to celebrate life, meet old friends and enjoy and celebrate your marriage, then why do you need a formal sit down meal? Much more fun for all if this is the purpose is go to your favorite pub, book a section with finger food. People will pay for their own drinks, your expense is minimized, and no one will think you are scabby.

PS I was one of the noughties bunch who spent a fortune on a wedding as all our frieds did. Looking back with hindsight, 3 kids later, and myself and wife both think: what the hell were we thinking. Honestly, if a restaurant meal is too expensive for you, and that is part of the reason for the small wedding, then do not stretch yourself just to please others.

Xaracatz · 28-07-2015 06:45PM

Wow - some of those replies are quite harsh. If I was in that circumstance (as a friend of the couple), I would expect to pay for my own meal for sure. Before I get lashed out of it for this:

The wedding is already small so as to save on costs;
The OP also wants to celebrate in some way with friends;
Dinner for 35 people is expensive! Say €40 each, you're talking €1,400;
Any hen we've gone to, we've paid for our own food. In fact, we normally would cover the bride's food / drinks (that's personal choice I know, but somebody has to buy her the Tequila :P);
If there's any expense such as child minders - sure how is that different to any other meal out. If they can't go, then that's just normal;
Surely the guys would like to go out with their friend and enjoy chatting about the wedding and having a nice get together - without expecting it to be paid for.

In saying that - as it could be awkward to be implying that they will be paying for their own food, and to avoid any misunderstanding - the finger food suggestion that has been made already is a good one. At least then you can know the costs involved in advance.

But, honestly, if a friend of mine got married and I knew the wedding was small because - look - if you can't afford it, you can't afford it, I would be horrified to think they were stressing over having to pay for my meal just because they wanted to have a party later on to share the experience with me.

I hope you have a lovely wedding OP!!

annoyedgal · 28-07-2015 07:42PM

Was invited to a wedding meal similar to what your describing and we all paid for ourselves. To be honest, I would definitely have expected the bride and groom to pay and it left a slightly sour taste that they didn't even offer to even buy a round! We had been invited to this meal and travelled to be there.....Anyway, think as some others have said, if you invite people you should pay.
There's plenty of places will do a set menu for a fixed price, add on a few bottles of wine and your sorted.
Do emphasise with you on the expense you've gone to for hens abroad. Fair play to you for being considerate of the expense on others. Best of luck and enjoy the big day.

monday monday · 28-07-2015 09:01PM

Thanks everyone for the replies.
we had pretty much decided to pay for meal and just wanted to get a feeling. So dinner and drinks paid for by us. its just a local restaurant so nothing too fancy and would like everyone to be able order what they like.
Unfortunately,and I love this idea,a bbq or house party would have been ideal but we're having some house issue at the minute so thats not possible.
someone said its an internet forum and no one knows anyone's character type-exactly... I came on looking for advice and opinions which I got (thank you) but I just didnt like being called scabby and the idea that im getting back somehow what I spent at other weddings. We may all be anonymous but we can still be pleasant to each other.
thanks again.

MrWalsh · 28-07-2015 09:06PM

No one called you scabby and no one was unpleasant to you.

If you think you are not going to like answers to questions asked then think twice before asking?

Would you prefer to be told here, by anonymous strangers, that the idea you were suggesting sounded scabby or would you prefer to go ahead with it and hear back through the grapevine that you were viewed as scabby?

homemadecider · 28-07-2015 09:47PM

We had a tiny wedding (just the two of us) and we wanted to celebrate with friends a few weeks after. We booked a function room in a nice pub and invited everyone along. We paid for finger food and as much free wine as people wanted and it was very easy and fuss-free. It cost us less than €500 and it was a deadly night. Would you consider this as an option?

We stated on the invites that it was finger food and drinks starting at 8pm so that people knew to get dinner before arriving.

monday monday · 28-07-2015 10:05PM

homemadecider wrote: »

We had a tiny wedding (just the two of us) and we wanted to celebrate with friends a few weeks after. We booked a function room in a nice pub and invited everyone along. We paid for finger food and as much free wine as people wanted and it was very easy and fuss-free. It cost us less than €500 and it was a deadly night. Would you consider this as an option?

We stated on the invites that it was finger food and drinks starting at 8pm so that people knew to get dinner before arriving.

in hindsight yes we should have done something like this. But we are happy with the restaurant idea. We have had a few family meals here and the owners are really nice. We will have our own area in the restaurant too which is good. Your party sounds great.

Toots · 28-07-2015 11:09PM

Some of the responses in this thread are coming across as quite harsh. The OP asked for advice, not a lecture, so please be mindful of that when posting.

Ruby31 · 29-07-2015 12:42AM

monday monday wrote: »

Hi all.

getting married at the end of September and have decided to just have a small family affair. but we would like to go out for a meal maybe and a few drinks with our friend and some extended family a few weeks after the wedding just as a little celebration. nothing major really, just a night out. about 35 people in total.
the thing is..will we be expected to pay for the meal? I cant really afford to bring 35 people out for dinner hence the small family wedding. what you guys think?

I never presume my meal is being paid for. We've had lots of family birthday meals out and my OH's family is BIG so they happen quite regularly. It's an excuse to get together for nice food and a few drinks. We split the bill at the end of the meal. I'm sick to the back teeth of wedding etiquette. Having read some of the replies, I feel the safer option would be the pub with finger food, but I see you've decided to pay for the meal. Congrats on your wedding. Fair play to you paying for the meal but I hope it's not because of the harsh comments on here. Some people!

Addle · 29-07-2015 08:44AM

I don't think this is about 'wedding etiquette', I think it's just about good manners.
I wouldn't invite anyone to anything I'd planned and expect them to pay for it, be it a housewarming party or a meal out.
If something is organised by a group, venue and date agreed by all before confirming, I'd consider that a joint expense.

stickybookmark · 29-07-2015 10:21AM

monday monday wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies.
we had pretty much decided to pay for meal and just wanted to get a feeling. So dinner and drinks paid for by us..

A very sensible decision! Not worth leaving a bad taste in people's mouths, having people gossipying about ye behind your backs and possibly losing friendships over it.

I know at birthday dinners everyone pays for themselves but that is different. Wedding celebration and birthday dinner have 2 different etiquette/expectations. I think people will try offering to pay probably and will be happy when you say you're taking care of the bill. You will come across as generous and a gracious host, happy days. Expensive but worth it! And you will defo get wedding presents as well because you're inviting people to a 'do' remember that. Esp from anyone you gave cash wedding presents to in the past

hdowney · 31-07-2015 09:56AM

MrWalsh wrote: »

We were invited to a family dinner after our wedding and when the bill came my brother in law directed it to us

Wait. You were invited out to dinner by your family and then they tried to stick YOU with the bill? Tell me you didn't pay up?

sweetie · 31-07-2015 10:01AM

I was best man at a wedding a few years back and the following day we were invited to dinner with the rest of the bridal party by the groom's parents. The bill came and it was promptly divided up between everyone by the father of the groom. It left a bad taste.
It hadn't been a big expensive bash so it was basically meaness IMO.

MrWalsh · 31-07-2015 10:32AM

hdowney wrote: »

Wait. You were invited out to dinner by your family and then they tried to stick YOU with the bill? Tell me you didn't pay up?

Yeah! Well it was my husbands family.

We did pay. My husband is a very generous and gracious individual, he didnt bat an eyelid, just produced the bank card. He would never cause a scene over something as vulgar as money in a restaurant (do read that with a grin!)

As it happened, the restaurant they had invited us to was a Italian family friendly restaurant, you know the type I mean, cheap and cheerful, so the bill wasnt an eye watering amount anyway.

We laughed about it ourselves afterwards tbh. It might have been in response to the fact that we had eloped, we did throw a party when we got back but the restaurant thing was prior to the party.

meal with friends after wedding-who pays?

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