Cutting the apron strings - bf's overprotective mother

LegacyUser · 22-07-2015 02:06PM #1

Hey. I've been with my bf for just over a year now. We have a fantastic relationship and have many things in common, always make eachother laugh and we both get on well with eachothers families and friends. I think we both consider this to be something serious and possibly long term. The physical side of our relationship is also pretty fab.
I think this guy is like the perfect bf, thoughful, caring etc etc but there is one thing that I have become increasingly bothered about over the past couple of months. He seems to have an unusual relationship with his mother and father as in there appears to be no sign of any of them cutting the apron strings any time soon. Now I fully respect and am glad they have a good relationship but I feel he should be a bit more independent. His dad is a bit more relaxed and easygoing, a nice man but his mother is a bit smothering.
He owns a house but he always refers to his parents as "home". He insists on going "home" almost every weekend, even if we've spent the night at his. She is constantly babying him, telling him to wear his coat if its wet, wear sun cream, asking him has he eaten enough, does he need any washing done, don't stay out too late, get enough sleep, (and asking me to make sure he does same), coming into his house at random times organizing his clothes, dropping in random bags of groceries etc etc. (That's not to suggest he's messy or lazy, he is quite tidy and well able to wash and cook for himself, quite the chef in fact!)

One morning she came into the room with us bed asking how he slept and if he wanted tea before realising I was there. We were both a bit annoyed but him mostly because she came into the room without knocking first whereas I felt is was a complete intrusion on his privacy and life full stop to just waltz into his house.

I thought it was amusing for the first while but it is getting tedious and smothering but tbh he seems quite happy with it all and sees nothing wrong with it in the slightest. Almost every day we are out too there is an interruption due to having to talk to "mammy" on the phone and they give eachother the full run down of local and personal news, with the latest deaths and funerals in the parish being a regular topic.

What took the biscuit I thought recently was 3 weeks ago he had to go to the dentist and got a filling in a sore tooth. "Mammy" booked it for him, picked him up and brought him there and had him stay "at home" for a few days.

And he's not a man-baby, he at 35 (I'm 33) is a very capable man, very articulate, intelligent and very successful at the professional job he does. I don't know if he is just oblivious to how overprotective/smothering she is or if he just secretly likes all the attention.

What drove me here is the fact that last weekend I've wanted to go for a weekend away with him but he said he couldn't as "mammy and daddy" wanted him to go over home for the Sunday dinner, of course I was invited along but declined as I find the way the both fawn all over him and him lapping it up to be nauseating. He also seems to be unable to say no to whatever chores they want to rope him in for, like recently he was collared for powerhosing out sheds for free with his father in exchange for yet another one of mammy's dinners.

I feel this might be acceptable on some level for a 25 year old guy but ffs, at 35 he should be his own man and his mother in particular should back off a bit and stop smothering him. He's not even an only child, he has a sister living locally and 2 brothers in the UK and I don't think they get the same from her although he is the youngest. I appreciate that all families are different, I mean I was out and fully independent at 22, but surely this is beyond what is considered normal, is it? I don't know if being from a rural farming background has anything to do with their family dynamic?

Merkin · 22-07-2015 02:16PM

Being honest I don't really see what the problem is, she sounds like quite a typical Irish Mammy, especially given that he is the youngest as well as the youngest in the family always tends to be babied by everyone that bit more. I'd be vexed about her barging into the room unannounced like that (what if you guys were in flagrante?!) and would probably say it to my BF about that not being cool AT ALL but otherwise I don't see what harm the woman is doing. Every family has a different dynamic and it sounds like this is just their way. If she was being nasty or interfering or trying to come between you that's one thing but it just sounds like she adores spoiling him and he absolutely laps it up!

freshpopcorn · 22-07-2015 02:32PM

Essentially you've to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns.
A few things I know people who are moved out of home 30+ years and they still refer to their childhood home as home.
Regarding the shopping and washing. If he does it himself. They'll be no need for her to do it. I do however know some people and they let there mother do bit to keep her happy.
Regarding the dinner on Sunday. Which plans were made first. His parents or your weekend away idea?
I wouldn't mind the phone calls as long as they weren't a couple of times a night.
If your boyfriend is 35 and the youngest he probably feels the need to help his father power hose the shed because his father is probably getting a bit older. Most people I know who does jobs for there parents get paid with a good dinner.

Tigger99 · 22-07-2015 02:32PM

Yikes, that sounds very claustrophobic. Have you spoken to him about it?

You say it's a problem with his mother but it's not. It's a problem with his reaction (or lack there of) to being treated like a baby. It would make me lose respect if someone was ok with that. You couldn't go away for the weekend because there's a longstanding arrangement for dinner every week? Seriously?

I'd be very curious to know how his ex's dealt with it. Maybe suss that out.

I think this is something that could get very stifling if you got married etc unless you find a way of coping with it.

ManOfMystery · 22-07-2015 02:33PM

To be honest, I've heard of worse cases of overprotective mothers. Ones who not only do all the above, but still insist their son lives at home 7 days a week and also take an instant dislike to any girlfriend he may date. In saying that, it's all still verging on the slightly irritating level of the spectrum, in my opinion anyway.

I'm not sure if the issue here is really his mother's 'interference' - is it really disrupting your relationship that much? I suspect it's more a case that you've noticed a trait in your boyfriend - his dependence on his mother and willingness to be a 'mammy's boy' at the ripe old age of 35 - which you find very unattractive.

CaraMay · 22-07-2015 02:36PM

I don't understand what you mean About helping his dad to powerhouse for 'free'? Do you think he should charge his dad?

They do found to have an extremely close relationship and I expect it won't change. It may be the reason he's single at 35. How did his previous relationships end? I'm afraid op it's a put up or run situation. He won't change so if you want to be with him you'll have to live with it.

R.D. aka MR.D · 22-07-2015 02:45PM

Is he an only child?

I can see how this behaviour is sickening because my own mother does it to my brother. My SIL puts up with it (I don't know how).

As another poster has said, he won't change at this age so you'll either have to put up with it or move on. Talk to him first if you want to work on it but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Confucius say · 22-07-2015 02:45PM

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't understand what you mean About helping his dad to powerhouse for 'free'? Do you think he should charge his dad?

They do found to have an extremely close relationship and I expect it won't change. It may be the reason he's single at 35. How did his previous relationships end? I'm afraid op it's a put up or run situation. He won't change so if you want to be with him you'll have to live with it.

He's not single at 35 unless his imaginary girlfriend has somehow physically manifested itself and written this thread

Magicmatilda · 22-07-2015 03:15PM

Have you discussed this with him?

What is his reponse?

I do think the powerhouse for free comment is odd, I think it is only right to help out parents especially as they get older.

However not going for a weekend away because of dinner with them is odd. Especially as he has dinner there regularly. I would understand if it was a once off. That would offend me.

Did he say anything to his mother about coming into the house? That would drive me mad but it is an issue for him to sort out. Would he think it is OK for that to continue if you move in? Will it be OK for your family to wander in?

MrWalsh · 22-07-2015 03:34PM

Ugh, itd drive me mad. I like family, but I like them to keep a respectful distance!

I wonder is there a mammy versus girlfriend power struggle going on (in mammys mind). I remember a guy I know whose mammy resented any girlfriend and thought they werent good enough for her boy and eventually he settled into a steady relationship and mammy fawned all over him in a similar manner, maybe to put the girl off? Things came to a head one day when she invited them both for dinner and the girl obligingly said she would bake an apple pie and bring it. After dinner mammy produced her OWN baked apple pie and asked yer man which one was best, the girlfriends or the mammys?

It really has to come from the guy if you want it to change, he has to stop being so available, so intimate and so unforgiving of privacy breaches and has to put the distance there himself re phonecalls etc... But maybe he likes it?

Barely There · 22-07-2015 03:42PM

I can see from the tenor of your post that it's starting to grate on you - and tbh I can see why, there's nothing more unattractive than an adult acting like a mammy's boy/girl. No doubt you'll have plenty of mammy's boys and girls in the thread telling you that he's not doing anything wrong whatsoever.

You only have one real option - talk to him and tell him how you feel

For what it's worth I doubt he's going to change.

So you're probably going to have to decide if you can put up with it or not.

Personally my head would be fried having to put up with that kind of behaviour.

retro:electro · 22-07-2015 03:57PM

Confucius say wrote: »

He's not single at 35 unless his imaginary girlfriend has somehow physically manifested itself and written this thread

I'm sure she means single as in not married.

HelgaWard · 22-07-2015 04:17PM

The not going away for the weekend because of dinner with them on a Sunday is ridiculous. Does this mean he never goes away for weekends? Her coming into his bedroom in his own house unannounced is also ridiculous. Him calling his parents home place home is normal I think. I'd always refer to my Mam & Dads as home even though it is 20 years since I've lived there!! It's nice that he is close to his family. His Mam probably dotes on him as he is the youngest and there are only two of her children in Ireland. I think you should tell him that you have an issue with him not going away for weekends because of his ritual Sunday dinner, also you think it's strange her coming in unannounced to his house, but as it is his house and not yours that is really his decision whether he finds that acceptable or not. I suppose if you guys were to live together in the future this could become a bigger issue. Anyway, only solution is to talk to him about it. If ultimately you find it too big of a turn off, and he is not prepared to change things, then you'll have to break up or learn to put up with it!

Confucius say · 22-07-2015 04:37PM

anna080 wrote: »

I'm sure she means single as in not married.

I don't mean to be pedantic, I didn't know single and married were the only marital statuses

retro:electro · 22-07-2015 04:41PM

Confucius say wrote: »

I don't mean to be pedantic, I didn't know single and married were the only marital statuses

Well if youre not married you're either divorced, widowed or single. Technically there's not really an "in a relationship" option.

Confucius say · 22-07-2015 04:56PM

anna080 wrote: »

Well if youre not married you're either divorced, widowed or single. Technically there's not really an "in a relationship" option.

It was used in a "no wonder he's single" way as if not being married is a failure.

giggle84 · 22-07-2015 05:11PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

Things came to a head one day when she invited them both for dinner and the girl obligingly said she would bake an apple pie and bring it. After dinner mammy produced her OWN baked apple pie and asked yer man which one was best, the girlfriends or the mammys?

This is the best and worst thing I've ever heard!! Imagine!!!!

mailforkev · 22-07-2015 08:56PM

The problem here is your boyfriend, not his mother as the title suggests.

"Mammy" can only mollycoddle him as much as he lets her.

It's a very unappealing trait in an adult to be so co-dependent with their parents. And as the parents age it will only head in one direction.

I have a good friend who would be a total catch for any woman aside from a similar thing. He constantly indulges an overbearing mother and it has cost him serious long term relationships when the women eventually realised they would basically be marrying his mother too.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2015 10:29PM

I wonder is this mostly an Irish trait? In Ireland, you aren't really just dating an individual (at your point in a relationship), you're joining their family, so to speak. Think we seem to be like that more so than other countries but I may be misjudging it.

The problem is with him, not with her but you're also a bit off expecting him to be paid for working (for an afternoon) with his father.

He needs to establish proper boundaries now that ye are a unit, so to speak. I'd be furious if my mother walked in on me in my own house, well into my room anyhow.

canttalk · 22-07-2015 11:32PM

I come from a culture where if there are serious problems in a marriage, the 'appropriate' thing to do is approach your in laws for direction.....interfering is not an adequate word to even use!!! So no, its not just an Irish thing.

OP your problem isn't mil, its your boyfriends response. He enjoys and likes the relationship with his parents. He's last born and likely to be the one that sticks around and probably won't change at 35! You're far more independent than him so you're having a mini culture/lifestyle clash right there. Things like parents freely walking into his home....which you cannot fathom. Unless he actually sees where your problem is its not going to change or get better. You'll have to explain in detail where you have differences.

It will only become a bigger problem as your relationship grows. Image you had children, its hard enough raising kids on the same page with a partner with whom you agree most of the time, it would be hell with in laws that can't see or won't see your boundaries.

You really need to find a way to get away together. A neutral venue will allow both of you to speak freely and maybe show him what its like to live without being in his parents pockets all the time. He may like it, or not, either way if you're getting g upset he has to know where you're coming from. Does he know how you feel about the lack of space in your relationship? If you talked before was his response dismissive or understanding?

Oryx · 23-07-2015 07:10PM

If youre dealing with this at 35, then other women have tried to cope with it before you, and failed. The issue is that what he sees as normal, you see as interference and babying. Trust me i think its warped too but thats irrelevant... he doesnt! Clearly he has let other women go, rather than change the dynamic with his mum*, so you have quite a battle.

All you can do is tell him that the invasions of privacy, and his parents taking such a priority in his life, are not things you are comfortable with. Its a dangerous line though. His parents are the centre of his world, and if you force him to choose... well, they have far more influence. But if you are uncomfortable with it dont put up with it. The longer it goes on the more resentful you will feel. And if you marry and have kids, then its even more of a problem as 'mammy' will surely dictate how you raise them.

*I'm assuming at 35 hes not been a hermit till now.

Penny Tration · 23-07-2015 07:13PM

The no weekends away thing - I'd politely tell him that adults go for weekends away and if he can't even commit to that, there's a problem.

Her coming into the room you were in - I'd refuse to stay again. I'd never stay where a member of the in laws would happily stroll in while I'm naked. Privacy is very important.

The rest sounds pretty normal tbh

Toots · 24-07-2015 04:11AM

Ok, a lot of this doesn't sound too bad - the helping out with chores etc is a nice thing to do for parents, and from what I've heard it would be a fairly common thing for kids from farming backgrounds to do it quite a lot. From speaking to friends/colleagues over the years the impression I get is that often the youngest child would be 'expected' to do it more so than the older ones. When you mention hosing out the sheds for free, do you mean their own sheds, or was the dad doing a job for someone and got your BF to help out? TBH my husband and I would do a fair bit helping out our families, and we'd never expect to be paid for it.

The sunday dinner thing, is that every weekend? If it was just this weekend, well then it's reasonable for him to go if his parents had asked before you brought up going away, because they asked first. Or is it a case that all weekends away are a non-runner because he wants to go to his parents for his dinner?

What I'm really shocked about that the mum waltzed into the bedroom while the two of ye were in bed! I mean it's just lucky that ye weren't up to anything! That might be appropriate if he was still living at home, and didn't realise you'd stayed over, but even then I think most parents would knock before entering once their child is about 14!

The fact that she's just able to let herself in to the house and leave off groceries etc is also a bit worrying. While it's a thoughtful thing to do in one sense, will that stop if you move in? Or will she still be letting herself in to 'your' house, meaning that you could never really be guaranteed 100% privacy?

I'm only mentioning this because you said you can see the relationship going the long haul. The thing that could well be a problem is that it's his house, and even after you move in it'll still be 'his' house technically until either you're living there for 2 years or you get married. I suspect that even if that was the case, the parents would still see it as 'his' house, and would still feel just as 'entitled' to arrive up whenever they wanted.

A friend of mine is married to a girl who would have a similar situation only that it's with her whole family as opposed to just the parents; they practically live in each other's pockets. When he and the wife bought their house, she was all set to go out and get keys cut for every member of her family, but he put his foot down and said no way, because they'd literally be swanning in and out at all hours of the day and night (this was what they all did with each other's houses) It caused an almighty row, but eventually the wife agreed and told the family they wouldn't be giving out spare keys. They had one spare key which they gave to her parents while they were going on honeymoon, and took back when they got home. A few days after they got back they were having sex on the couch, when the front door opened and one of the sisters came sauntering in - turned out they'd all got keys cut off the spare one while they were gone despite the fact that they'd been told that they weren't getting keys. That's how little respect the family had for his wishes/privacy, and they all thought he was being completely unreasonable when he asked for all the keys back (he ended up changing the lock because keys just 'kept turning up') and to this day her family are still a bit funny with him.

Oryx wrote: »

If youre dealing with this at 35, then other women have tried to cope with it before you, and failed.

This is pretty much what I was thinking when I read your post OP. If you'd said he was in his early 20s then it'd be reasonable to assume that he may have only recently moved out of the family home and was still finding his feet, so to speak. However at 35, unless he's been living under a rock, I'd lay odds this issue has raised its head before.

All you can do is tell him that the invasions of privacy, and his parents taking such a priority in his life, are not things you are comfortable with. Its a dangerous line though. His parents are the centre of his world, and if you force him to choose... well, they have far more influence. But if you are uncomfortable with it dont put up with it. The longer it goes on the more resentful you will feel. And if you marry and have kids, then its even more of a problem as 'mammy' will surely dictate how you raise them.

Try and phrase it as diplomatically as you can, but expect it to most likely cause an argument. Incidentally, how well do you get on with his mother specifically?

LegacyUser · 31-07-2015 03:57PM

OP here Thanks for all your opinions. We ended up going away last weekend after all as his parents had decided to go to Westport while we went to wexford for a while. All went swimmingly and we had a great time altogether but we were lying off in bed on the Sunday morning having a cuddle and his phone rings. “Hello Mammy” and they end up exchanging the ins and outs of eachothers’ weekends for about 10 minutes. It annoyed me a bit as it seems neither he or she can go more than 24 hours without checking in. I was also slightly taken aback before we left when she asked me to make sure he didn’t drink too much. I smiled and agreed jokingly to be polite but inside I was like, ffs woman he’s a grown man.
I explained to him on the way back that although I was very happy that he got on so well with his parents but I expressed concern that she might be a bit too involved when she constantly checks up on him. I said I felt very uncomfortable with the way she waltzes into the house and what if we were having sex downstairs or something. I still don’t think he fully appreciates the issue as his laughed out response was “sure we wouldn’t be doing that!”. I don’t want to quiz too much about his ex as he is quiet angry about her and how she treated him before he broke up with her. I do know however that his parents did not think too much of her or her family in general because they were “only out of a cottage”. I tried to make him understand that at 35 most people are completely independent of their parents and don’t have them checking in with them every day or barging into their houses. He says that that he sees not problem with it apart from coming into his room unannounced and agreed to ask her not to do that in future. (and she must have known I was there because my car was outside). He admitted they are so close possibly because he is the youngest and the only one living around and his siblings only come back occasionally.
Being of a farming background myself, I fully appreciate the situation with farming parents expecting a certain level of help from their children but his parents are not short of labour and have one pretty much full time employee/apprentice and another regular part timer. He is the only one of the family with a green cert and an interest in farming so I am assuming that they expect him to take it over in the future.

CaraMay · 01-08-2015 03:52PM

Op you've no right to tell him how often they should be in contact. It was fair enough to mention the mother house crashing and it's good he took it in board. Did he only go away because they were away

freshpopcorn · 01-08-2015 04:16PM

He contacts his mother every day and I don't see the issue with this. I know people who would find it weird if you didn't speak to your mother ever day.
Don't see the issue with the farm work either. I say the vast majority of people I know work on their parents farm even if they have labourers/workers.
Regarding the mother coming in put a lach/bolt on the front door so she can't barge in when your there and she'll have to knock.
Is the house built in on a site belonging to the parents?

Barely There · 01-08-2015 04:46PM

manormammysboy wrote: »

but we were lying off in bed on the Sunday morning having a cuddle and his phone rings. “Hello Mammy” and they end up exchanging the ins and outs of eachothers’ weekends for about 10 minutes.

TBH I don't know how you could be putting up with that - I certainly wouldn't be able to.

Gwynplaine · 02-08-2015 10:45AM

I Don't know how you've lasted this long. I'd run a mile. To the mother, you are essentially, "the other woman". I've seen this before many times, any changes you suggest will not not be accepted by her at all. You're stealing him from her.
9 out of 10 times, "there is no one good enough for my boy" "I'll mind him, the poor craytur hasn't the hands to wipe his arse"
Be fully aware of what you're dealing with, the influence a mother can have on a son can be enormous, "and sure what would you know anyway, you're only from a cottage"

Penny Tration · 02-08-2015 10:54AM

Calling every day, I don't see an issue with. However, that she KNEW ye were away and he picked up the phone for a chat instead of calling her back later would irritate me. What if she called when you were having sex? Would he stop mid-thrust to answer?!

I'm glad he's going to speak to her about walking into his bedroom, but I agree with your point - what if you decided to have sex on the couch or something? Not to be crude, but don't most couples do that occasionally?! I don't like that he just brushed you off with that part.

Tbh it sounds like he enjoys being babied, and I personally couldn't be with someone who sees no issue with their mam interrupting them on a weekend away, or walking in unannounced while I'm there.

My boyfriend's mam often calls into his. If I'm there, she knocks and waits for him or I to let her in, even though she could just walk in if she chose. It's all about respect.

My boyfriend's brother walked into his apartment and in on us in bed (boyfriend was asleep, I was naked and uncovered).

I sure as hell didn't have to ASK my boyfriend to speak to his brother. He got dressed, went out and tore shreds off of him!

If they wont respect your right to privacy, and your boyfriend doesn't mind the lack of privacy, I would be refusing to stay over

LynnGrace · 02-08-2015 12:08PM

I think the apron strings are tight on both sides, OP. This won't change, overnight, maybe never. I'd say it's quite likely other partners have abandoned a relationship, with him, previously, for this very reason.
It's good to have good relationships with one's parents, and it would be usual to do work around the farm, especially I suppose, if it is expected that he will be the one, to take it over eventually.
There is, of course, a happy medium. The notion of the phone call with his mother, while the two of you were lying in bed, on your weekend away, I really would not be happy with.
Not to mention, the walking in, knowing that you were in the house. I doubt that she thought you were sleeping in the spare room?

I think, OP, as has been said upthread, you need to consider that you will be marrying / taking on his mother as well as him, if you two do get married. She will expect to have a lot of say in your lives, by the sound of things.
I guess, if you feel that is something you can deal with, that is fine. In your shoes, I would be thinking long and deeply about the good and bad sides to the whole situation.

All the best, in whatever you decide.

junction12 · 02-08-2015 02:09PM

Whilst I agree that the mother shouldn't walk in when your there has he actually talked to her about the issue?
When ever I read a thread I always look at the way the OP says about themselves.
She doesn't get that some people talks to there mother/father every day about local news.
Also, regarding the working on the family farm. They have workers so why would they need him to do work. She also nearly expects him to be paid to work on the farm. Most farmers children I know just puts on a pair of wellies and goes to the farm when needed because generally there parents have given them a site to build their house on.
Also the op should bare in my mind that as the boyfriends parents get older he's going to be doing more on the farm.

Cutting the apron strings - bf's overprotective mother

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