Whether to attend a funeral

mct1 · 11-07-2015 05:35PM #1

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness. My husband is talking about attending the funeral but to be honest I'm wondering whether we should. In the past we've obviously attended funerals of immediate family members of our close friends, neighbours, etc but not of their various aunts and uncles that we'd never met - nor would they expect us to, I'm sure.

We never knew this uncle, nor any of his his immediate family who have flown in to be at the funeral. Myself I just feel one should draw the line somewhere. It's not as if she's particularly distressed, and my thought is that we should leave her to her family while they are over. I'm pretty sure she won't expect us to attend by the way.

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

keith16 · 11-07-2015 05:37PM

I wouldn't bother to be honest.

CarrickMcJoe · 11-07-2015 05:38PM

If anything I would attend the wake and sympathize with her there.

anvilfour · 11-07-2015 05:38PM

mct1 wrote: »

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness. My husband is talking about attending the funeral but to be honest I'm wondering whether we should. In the past we've obviously attended funerals of immediate family members of our close friends, neighbours, etc but not of their various aunts and uncles that we'd never met - nor would they expect us to, I'm sure.

We never knew this uncle, nor any of his his immediate family who have flown in to be at the funeral. Myself I just feel one should draw the line somewhere. It's not as if she's particularly distressed, and my thought is that we should leave her to her family while they are over. I'm pretty sure she won't expect us to attend by the way.

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

One of the best things about funerals- no invitations! Still as you say, your new friend doesn't seem to be pushing this, so why attend?

freshpopcorn · 11-07-2015 05:39PM

It depends on how close you are to her, to be honest. Irish people often attend there friends uncles/aunts funerals even if they never met them. It won't be the end of the world if you go/don't go. All you've got to say sorry for your troubles and move on.

doulikeit · 11-07-2015 05:43PM

Dont go, get 16 cans of bulmers and some vodka recreate the McGregor fight later on in your living room, make an abusive phone call to an ex, eat some noodles and go asleep. Everyone in ireland is doing it.

Diabhal Beag · 11-07-2015 05:48PM

If you know her very well it would be a nice sign off support but otherwise I wouldn't. I'd go to the shaking hands thing though if they have it.

weisses · 11-07-2015 05:48PM

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

It wasn't me! · 11-07-2015 05:57PM

I don't even want to go to my own funeral.

Harry Palmr · 11-07-2015 05:59PM

Don't go, you have no reason or inclination. and frankly if you set the bar this low you'll be expected to turn up to every passing budgie that turns its feet up.

11-07-2015 06:03PM

How do you feel about this person? When a classmate's family member died, my other classmates and I went to the funeral, to show our support for her. That's what it is about - you are showing that you're there for them, to show them moral support.

johnayo · 11-07-2015 06:04PM

If ye have an inclination to go,then go. I'm sure the people would appreciate your presence.

NachoBusiness · 11-07-2015 06:05PM

Sure just go and when a flattering eulogy is being read out stand up and say: "The man you describe is not the same man I knew!".

Then run from the church clutching a handkerchief to your mouth.

Diamond Doll · 11-07-2015 06:06PM

I definitely wouldn't go. She's not going to miss your absence, in fact she'd probably be quite surprised to see you there.

My dad goes to every funeral ... Most recently his son's girlfriend's parents' neighbour (seriously!), had never met the guy. You don't want to be one of "those" people!

Ted_YNWA · 11-07-2015 06:07PM

It depends how close you are to the person.

I have gone to funerals of extended-family members of friends. I would deem them close friends.

mjsc1970 · 11-07-2015 06:08PM

No reason for you to go

Cee-Jay-Cee · 11-07-2015 06:10PM

weisses wrote: »

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

Yeah it's something that really bugs me. Unless it's a very close friend's father mother brother or sister or a close family/relative of mine then I won't go to removal, wake or funeral.

A girl that works with me feels the need to go to every funeral of everyone she even heard of. She recently took time off work to go to the funeral of a friend of hers (and not a particularly close friend by her own admission) Great Uncle's funeral. The man lived in NZ and hadn't been home in over 25 years, her non close friend had never even met the man yet my friend still felt the need to go. I told her that her friend wouldn't expect her to go and in fact would be surprised if she did go. Anyway she went and it turned out that her friend didn't even go to the funeral as she wasn't willing to take the time of work!

11-07-2015 06:23PM

weisses wrote: »

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

You aren't going for the person who is dead is for the people you know. I've been to loads of funerals where Id never even met the person but they were a Parent/grandparent/uncle/aunt etc of a friend, neighbour or work colleague.

r93kaey5p2izun · 11-07-2015 06:27PM

I wouldn't go but it is common in Ireland for people to attend funerals of even acquaintances' relatives. I've heard my colleagues giving out about people not attending funerals/removals of relatives (not even parents/siblings/children) of other colleagues. I know the official line is that people attend to show support but personally having to deal with a bunch of colleagues or acquaintances is the last thing I'd want at a family funeral.

gidget · 11-07-2015 06:31PM

I wouldn't go, unless they were a close friend & it's an uncle i may have met a few times at occasions. Maybe just send a text message on the day of the funeral just to let them know your thinking of them & convey your sympathies.

One eyed Jack · 11-07-2015 06:41PM

mct1 wrote: »

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness.

...

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

The context is obviously important here so if you don't feel like going OP, you shouldn't go, and if your husband feels like going, sure let him off. In the circumstances you describe, I'd probably go myself, but I wouldn't expect my wife to go.

As a child I used to think it was only old people attended funerals and I never understood adults morbid fascination with the death notices in the local paper and local radio (my old pair were "those people" as little pig says

), I used think was there anyone they didn't know. Turns out that nowadays social media online is like the local newspaper and radio when you find out through someone else that your classmates have died. I'm only 38 ffs and I've attended a number of my former classmates funerals! I don't even want to call my mother any more because she always tells me about neighbours back home that have died.

I've attended a few funerals lately alright where I knew the parents of the person who had passed away even though I didn't know the person themselves, or as a representative of an organisation they or their partner were a member of.

I'd say OP go if you want to go, don't go if you don't want to.

tucked · 11-07-2015 06:43PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

It depends on how close you are to her, to be honest. Irish people often attend there friends uncles/aunts funerals even if they never met them. It won't be the end of the world if you go/don't go. All you've got to say sorry for your troubles and move on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKOrr4XRbg8

Rabo Karabekian · 11-07-2015 06:47PM

I would draw the line at immediate family members of even close friends (unless they were particularly close to the relative in question as well as being particularly distraught at their passing) and would expect the same from friends. If an uncle or aunt of mine passed and a friend popped along to the funeral, I'd kind of be thinking 'what the hell are they doing here?'

Darkglasses · 11-07-2015 06:50PM

Wouldn't even think of going. Do anything else.

11-07-2015 07:38PM

Recently drove about 8 hours to go to the removal of a friends mother. Never met the woman, or any of his family. Just went for him. He was surprised I made the effort...but pleasantly surprised.

My golden rule is that if in doubt, go. I can think of a few funerals and removals that I missed and should have gone to. Can't think of any that I've gone to and regretted. It's a big community thing here in Kerry though.

Rubberlegs · 11-07-2015 08:03PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Recently drove about 8 hours to go to the removal of a friends mother. Never met the woman, or any of his family. Just went for him. He was surprised I made the effort...but pleasantly surprised.

My golden rule is that if in doubt, go. I can think of a few funerals and removals that I missed and should have gone to. Can't think of any that I've gone to and regretted. It's a big community thing here in Kerry though.

Totally agree with this. I was very pleasantly surprised by some who were at my Dad's funeral, and greatly appreciated their presence. Likewise I have never forgotten those who should have been there, but weren't ....

Trudiha · 11-07-2015 08:17PM

Why would you not want to go to a nice funeral, do you live in that Dublin?

11-07-2015 08:17PM

73Cat wrote: »

Likewise I have never forgotten those who should have been there, but weren't ....

Oh that is a big black mark. Again, might be different here in Kerry where there is a big tradition of whole communities turning out for funerals. But if someone isn't there, it will not only be noted by the family, but by others. The amount of times I've heard a "and you know who I didn't see there"...

HIB · 11-07-2015 08:27PM

Really depends on where you live and how friendly you are with the person. Particularly in more rural areas, attending funerals is like a gesture of respect/friendship.

It'll take you less than 10 mins to go to rosary or removal, line up, shake hands. I'd go if I were you.

donegaLroad · 11-07-2015 08:48PM

Send her a mass card.

mct1 · 11-07-2015 09:12PM

HIB wrote: »

Really depends on where you live and how friendly you are with the person. Particularly in more rural areas, attending funerals is like a gesture of respect/friendship.

It'll take you less than 10 mins to go to rosary or removal, line up, shake hands. I'd go if I were you.

Quick question: if the removal is say 11 am (for mass at 11.30) what time should you get there for hand shaking? Last time we did that the coffin was about to leave. Just useful to know.

Also we can't make the "repose at funeral home" time, but if we could, would that be suitable too? Been to lots of funeral services and a couple of home wakes but not the other.

Thanks to all for your input - appreciate that.

Whether to attend a funeral

Comments