Whether to attend a funeral

mct1

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness. My husband is talking about attending the funeral but to be honest I'm wondering whether we should. In the past we've obviously attended funerals of immediate family members of our close friends, neighbours, etc but not of their various aunts and uncles that we'd never met - nor would they expect us to, I'm sure.

We never knew this uncle, nor any of his his immediate family who have flown in to be at the funeral. Myself I just feel one should draw the line somewhere. It's not as if she's particularly distressed, and my thought is that we should leave her to her family while they are over. I'm pretty sure she won't expect us to attend by the way.

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

keith16

I wouldn't bother to be honest.

CarrickMcJoe

If anything I would attend the wake and sympathize with her there.

anvilfour

mct1 wrote: »

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness. My husband is talking about attending the funeral but to be honest I'm wondering whether we should. In the past we've obviously attended funerals of immediate family members of our close friends, neighbours, etc but not of their various aunts and uncles that we'd never met - nor would they expect us to, I'm sure.

We never knew this uncle, nor any of his his immediate family who have flown in to be at the funeral. Myself I just feel one should draw the line somewhere. It's not as if she's particularly distressed, and my thought is that we should leave her to her family while they are over. I'm pretty sure she won't expect us to attend by the way.

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

One of the best things about funerals- no invitations! Still as you say, your new friend doesn't seem to be pushing this, so why attend?

freshpopcorn

It depends on how close you are to her, to be honest. Irish people often attend there friends uncles/aunts funerals even if they never met them. It won't be the end of the world if you go/don't go. All you've got to say sorry for your troubles and move on.

doulikeit

Dont go, get 16 cans of bulmers and some vodka recreate the McGregor fight later on in your living room, make an abusive phone call to an ex, eat some noodles and go asleep. Everyone in ireland is doing it.

Diabhal Beag

If you know her very well it would be a nice sign off support but otherwise I wouldn't. I'd go to the shaking hands thing though if they have it.

weisses

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

It wasn't me!

I don't even want to go to my own funeral.

Harry Palmr

Don't go, you have no reason or inclination. and frankly if you set the bar this low you'll be expected to turn up to every passing budgie that turns its feet up.

How do you feel about this person? When a classmate's family member died, my other classmates and I went to the funeral, to show our support for her. That's what it is about - you are showing that you're there for them, to show them moral support.

johnayo

If ye have an inclination to go,then go. I'm sure the people would appreciate your presence.

NachoBusiness

Sure just go and when a flattering eulogy is being read out stand up and say: "The man you describe is not the same man I knew!".

Then run from the church clutching a handkerchief to your mouth.

Diamond Doll

I definitely wouldn't go. She's not going to miss your absence, in fact she'd probably be quite surprised to see you there.

My dad goes to every funeral ... Most recently his son's girlfriend's parents' neighbour (seriously!), had never met the guy. You don't want to be one of "those" people!

Ted_YNWA

It depends how close you are to the person.

I have gone to funerals of extended-family members of friends. I would deem them close friends.

mjsc1970

No reason for you to go

Cee-Jay-Cee

weisses wrote: »

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

Yeah it's something that really bugs me. Unless it's a very close friend's father mother brother or sister or a close family/relative of mine then I won't go to removal, wake or funeral.

A girl that works with me feels the need to go to every funeral of everyone she even heard of. She recently took time off work to go to the funeral of a friend of hers (and not a particularly close friend by her own admission) Great Uncle's funeral. The man lived in NZ and hadn't been home in over 25 years, her non close friend had never even met the man yet my friend still felt the need to go. I told her that her friend wouldn't expect her to go and in fact would be surprised if she did go. Anyway she went and it turned out that her friend didn't even go to the funeral as she wasn't willing to take the time of work!

weisses

weisses wrote: »

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

You aren't going for the person who is dead is for the people you know. I've been to loads of funerals where Id never even met the person but they were a Parent/grandparent/uncle/aunt etc of a friend, neighbour or work colleague.

r93kaey5p2izun

I wouldn't go but it is common in Ireland for people to attend funerals of even acquaintances' relatives. I've heard my colleagues giving out about people not attending funerals/removals of relatives (not even parents/siblings/children) of other colleagues. I know the official line is that people attend to show support but personally having to deal with a bunch of colleagues or acquaintances is the last thing I'd want at a family funeral.

gidget

I wouldn't go, unless they were a close friend & it's an uncle i may have met a few times at occasions. Maybe just send a text message on the day of the funeral just to let them know your thinking of them & convey your sympathies.

One eyed Jack

mct1 wrote: »

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness.

...

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

The context is obviously important here so if you don't feel like going OP, you shouldn't go, and if your husband feels like going, sure let him off. In the circumstances you describe, I'd probably go myself, but I wouldn't expect my wife to go.

As a child I used to think it was only old people attended funerals and I never understood adults morbid fascination with the death notices in the local paper and local radio (my old pair were "those people" as little pig says ), I used think was there anyone they didn't know. Turns out that nowadays social media online is like the local newspaper and radio when you find out through someone else that your classmates have died. I'm only 38 ffs and I've attended a number of my former classmates funerals! I don't even want to call my mother any more because she always tells me about neighbours back home that have died.

I've attended a few funerals lately alright where I knew the parents of the person who had passed away even though I didn't know the person themselves, or as a representative of an organisation they or their partner were a member of.

I'd say OP go if you want to go, don't go if you don't want to.

tucked

freshpopcorn wrote: »

It depends on how close you are to her, to be honest. Irish people often attend there friends uncles/aunts funerals even if they never met them. It won't be the end of the world if you go/don't go. All you've got to say sorry for your troubles and move on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKOrr4XRbg8

Rabo Karabekian

I would draw the line at immediate family members of even close friends (unless they were particularly close to the relative in question as well as being particularly distraught at their passing) and would expect the same from friends. If an uncle or aunt of mine passed and a friend popped along to the funeral, I'd kind of be thinking 'what the hell are they doing here?'

Darkglasses

Wouldn't even think of going. Do anything else.

Recently drove about 8 hours to go to the removal of a friends mother. Never met the woman, or any of his family. Just went for him. He was surprised I made the effort...but pleasantly surprised.

My golden rule is that if in doubt, go. I can think of a few funerals and removals that I missed and should have gone to. Can't think of any that I've gone to and regretted. It's a big community thing here in Kerry though.

Rubberlegs

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Recently drove about 8 hours to go to the removal of a friends mother. Never met the woman, or any of his family. Just went for him. He was surprised I made the effort...but pleasantly surprised.

My golden rule is that if in doubt, go. I can think of a few funerals and removals that I missed and should have gone to. Can't think of any that I've gone to and regretted. It's a big community thing here in Kerry though.

Totally agree with this. I was very pleasantly surprised by some who were at my Dad's funeral, and greatly appreciated their presence. Likewise I have never forgotten those who should have been there, but weren't ....

Trudiha

Why would you not want to go to a nice funeral, do you live in that Dublin?

73Cat

73Cat wrote: »

Likewise I have never forgotten those who should have been there, but weren't ....

Oh that is a big black mark. Again, might be different here in Kerry where there is a big tradition of whole communities turning out for funerals. But if someone isn't there, it will not only be noted by the family, but by others. The amount of times I've heard a "and you know who I didn't see there"...

HIB

Really depends on where you live and how friendly you are with the person. Particularly in more rural areas, attending funerals is like a gesture of respect/friendship.

It'll take you less than 10 mins to go to rosary or removal, line up, shake hands. I'd go if I were you.

donegaLroad

Send her a mass card.

mct1

HIB wrote: »

Really depends on where you live and how friendly you are with the person. Particularly in more rural areas, attending funerals is like a gesture of respect/friendship.

It'll take you less than 10 mins to go to rosary or removal, line up, shake hands. I'd go if I were you.

Quick question: if the removal is say 11 am (for mass at 11.30) what time should you get there for hand shaking? Last time we did that the coffin was about to leave. Just useful to know.

Also we can't make the "repose at funeral home" time, but if we could, would that be suitable too? Been to lots of funeral services and a couple of home wakes but not the other.

Thanks to all for your input - appreciate that.

sadie06

The elderly uncle of someone you have only known a few months? Absolutely no way!

You could spend your whole life at funerals if the obligational web stretched out as far as the extended family of virtual strangers.

I personally would not even send a card for the death of an elderly uncle of a close friend…unless they were raised by them or lived with them.

r93kaey5p2izun

Deleted User wrote: »

Oh that is a big black mark. Again, might be different here in Kerry where there is a big tradition of whole communities turning out for funerals. But if someone isn't there, it will not only be noted by the family, but by others. The amount of times I've heard a "and you know who I didn't see there"...

73Cat wrote: »

Totally agree with this. I was very pleasantly surprised by some who were at my Dad's funeral, and greatly appreciated their presence. Likewise I have never forgotten those who should have been there, but weren't ....

I understand that many people view it this way. Thing is though that in my experience such people think badly of those who don't attend to show support even if the non-attendance is with the intention of not being intrusive. But at the same time they expect everyone to consider their "good" intentions of showing respect/support at funerals even if the family actually do find their attendance intrusive.

People also need to realise that this varies by area. Fair enough attendance at funerals of these only vaguely connected is the normin some places, but it's certainly not the case everywhere. Doing what you think the family would appreciate is best, but likewise people should consider the intentions of those they feel have got it wrong in that regard.

Gael23

I wouldn't feel the need for a relation like that. If you do feel you should, rither drop into the wake or call to her home when things have settled down.

Corbin Scrawny Podium

Corbin Scrawny Podium wrote: »

Thing is though that in my experience such people think badly of those who don't attend to show support even if the non-attendance is with the intention of not being intrusive. But at the same time they expect everyone to consider their "good" intentions of showing respect/support at funerals even if the family actually do find their attendance intrusive.

Um, here in Kerry removals are advertised on the local radio. They distinguish between what is intrusive and what they want everyone to attend by saying "family only" for some aspects, like the rosary.

When they advertise the funeral, and tell the county that it's on at a certain time, and the Gardai are there to control the traffic and so on, and you're asked to shake hands with each mourner, one would want to have a very very high opinion of their presence to deem it "intrusive". Who invites the public to their house or a funeral home for a very brief show of support only to turn around and deem that just too intrusive?

Alf Veedersane

From my own experience, if you weren't close it wouldn't be expected.

Just basing this on the fact that I only really remember who did turn up that I didn't expect, ie people fe work, rather than people who didn't.

Granted, if it was glaringly obvious I'm sure I'd have noticed.

r93kaey5p2izun

Deleted User wrote: »

Um, here in Kerry removals are advertised on the local radio. They distinguish between what is intrusive and what they want everyone to attend by saying "family only" for some aspects, like the rosary.

When they advertise the funeral, and tell the county that it's on at a certain time, and the Gardai are there to control the traffic and so on, and you're asked to shake hands with each mourner, one would want to have a very very high opinion of their presence to deem it "intrusive". Who invites the public to their house or a funeral home for a very brief show of support only to turn around and deem that just too intrusive?

Like I said, I understand it's the done thing in certain areas and that's fair enough if it suits mourners and the community there. I can only speak from my experience but funeral/removal details would be announced in the paper (certainly not radio) so acquaintances/former colleagues or neighbours of the deceased could attend as mourners themselves. But having dozens of my work colleagues or college associates attending, and feeling the need to make small talk with them and ensure they are looked after for food and drinks having travelled, when I was barely able to stay standing with grief was a nightmare and it felt intrusive. I feel that's just as valid an opinion as those holding grudges at those who don't attend funerals of those to whom they have only a tenuous connection.

Corbin Scrawny Podium

Corbin Scrawny Podium wrote: »

Like I said, I understand it's the done thing in certain areas and that's fair enough if it suits mourners and the community there. I can only speak from my experience but funeral/removal details would be announced in the paper (certainly not radio) so acquaintances/former colleagues or neighbours of the deceased could attend as mourners themselves. But having dozens of my work colleagues or college associates attending, and feeling the need to make small talk with them and ensure they are looked after for food and drinks having travelled, when I was barely able to stay standing with grief was a nightmare and it felt intrusive. I feel that's just as valid an opinion as those holding grudges at those who don't attend funerals of those to whom they have only a tenuous connection.

There is little chat at removals here.

I know it's done differently in different places, but in a Kerry generally the removal is the night before, it's advertised on Kerry Radio (with the proviso that they can say family only), and all that is expected is a handshake to show you're there, no one expects the chief mourners to be remotely concerned about what they'll eat or drink and if they have any sense of decorum will wave away anything that might intrude on their grief. Here it is largely seen as a show of support, not an effort to inveigle a free meal - there is none after the removal anyway, though close friends may be stopped and told to meet up for a few drinks afterwards.

Redser87

OP it is a real pity that the time of the reposing doesn't suit - I was going to suggest going to that instead. Send a mass card all right, but with all you've said, I wouldn't say there is any need to go.

Cee-Jay-Cee

donegaLroad wrote: »

Send her a mass card.

You generally send Mass cards to the immediate family of the person that died, not their niece or nephew.

evolving_doors

Naaa don;t go, funerals are for mourners who knew the deceased to some extent.

If your not going to mourn then it's some wishy washy solidarity thing and that's about as useful as a like on facebook.

Gebgbegb

Gebgbegb wrote: »

Naaa don;t go, funerals are for mourners who knew the deceased to some extent.

Haven't seen that rule anywhere myself. You got a link?

Why is it not to show support for one of the chief mourners that you might know to some extent?

evolving_doors

Deleted User wrote: »

Haven't seen that rule anywhere myself. You got a link?

Why is it not to show support for one of the chief mourners that you might know to some extent?

Nope, only link is to my imagination. I just think that if you don;t know the person who died then you're only going to wind up being a spectator observing other people grieve. Just let them have their grief without the circus of people pretending that the deceased was a loss to them when in fact they don't have a clue who he or she was. That's just my opinion, when the time comes and someone belonging to me passes then I don't want folk who didn't know that relative to be going. Maybe I'm just cold and unappreciative, but I'm just not a strong fan of the 'show of support' back-pattery.


Also, is this 'college' buddy someone they actually socialise with? If you're just meeting them in college a few times a week or whatever then I'd just pass on my condolences when I see the person next time around.

Gebgbegb

Gebgbegb wrote: »

if you don;t know the person who died then you're only going to wind up being a spectator observing other people grieve. Just let them have their grief without the circus of people pretending that the deceased was a loss to them when in fact they don't have a clue who he or she was...

Who goes to a removal to watch people grieve? That would be...creepy.

You queue up, shake hands with the chief mourners, and leave. If you know them you may hang around. Either way, it's not the observe their grief.

And you don't pretend the deceased was a loss. Unless the deceased was known to you and...well...was a loss. I have often gone to funerals of people I don't know. But I'd know the son, daughter etc. And I'd go for them, not because the deceased was a loss to me.

Rubberlegs

Corbin Scrawny Podium wrote: »

I understand that many people view it this way. Thing is though that in my experience such people think badly of those who don't attend to show support even if the non-attendance is with the intention of not being intrusive. But at the same time they expect everyone to consider their "good" intentions of showing respect/support at funerals even if the family actually do find their attendance intrusive.

People also need to realise that this varies by area. Fair enough attendance at funerals of these only vaguely connected is the normin some places, but it's certainly not the case everywhere. Doing what you think the family would appreciate is best, but likewise people should consider the intentions of those they feel have got it wrong in that regard.

In my case the people that didn't come to the removal/burial were people that should have been there, my father in law, one of my brother in laws, and a good friend. Yet people who hadn't seen me in a few years came, people who didn't know my Dad. Friends of my partner came. They came to show support. I'm not trying to make it sound like a competition, but the people who I had never expected to see there , for me really highlighted the absence of those who didn't come. I was grateful for their attendance, it meant a lot, as they didn't have to take time out to do that.
I would always attend the removal of a friend's relative. If I didn't know them at all I wouldn't necessarily attend the funeral home to view the deceased. I'd wait outside the church for the coffin to arrive, and go up and shake hands with the family. It's a show of support , you go for the living left behind.

HIB

mct1 wrote: »

Quick question: if the removal is say 11 am (for mass at 11.30) what time should you get there for hand shaking? Last time we did that the coffin was about to leave. Just useful to know.

Also we can't make the "repose at funeral home" time, but if we could, would that be suitable too? Been to lots of funeral services and a couple of home wakes but not the other.

Thanks to all for your input - appreciate that.

Removals are usually nighttime affairs. So, e g., remival at 8PM, I'd go to the funeral home anytime from 7 on. No need to stay then for the prayers if u don't want. Just sympathise and leave. It might vary in different parts of the country though so, to be safe, give the undertaker a ring, and ask when would be the right time to go and sympathise.

kylith

It'd be different if it were one of her parents, but her uncle, no; especially since you don't really know her well.

evolving_doors

Deleted User wrote: »

Who goes to a removal to watch people grieve? That would be...creepy.

You queue up, shake hands with the chief mourners, and leave. If you know them you may hang around. Either way, it's not the observe their grief.

And you don't pretend the deceased was a loss. Unless the deceased was known to you and...well...was a loss. I have often gone to funerals of people I don't know. But I'd know the son, daughter etc. And I'd go for them, not because the deceased was a loss to me.

Just to clarify I was referring to the actual church ceremony rather than the removal. While I'd agree that the removal is more of the 'hand shake ceremony' I personally (not any rule written down) would prefer that if people didn't know the deceased then they needn't come. Also to add I know of other people who think the same way... there's been a few occasions when people close to colleagues have passed away have not mentioned it to anyone (until after the event or maybe in passing after) mainly because they want to keep it private and to grieve in privacy.

Now in saying the above last point, I appreciate that this 'college acquaintance' has mentioned the funeral prior to the event but the fact that the OP is wondering if they should go gives us a hint that she gets the feeling that the person isn't reaching out for 'shows of support'. Maybe the op can clarify a few things:

Has this other person reached out for sympathy or just mentioned it in passing.. ?
HAs the OP ever met this 'college acquaintance' outside of college or is it just a 'college acquaintance' and nothing more?

Also the fact that the OP is wondering why the husband feels the need to go just shows that the husband is doing it out of 'custom' ... i.e. we know the person therefore we should go 'to show support'.... to my mind there's the fine line between 'putting in an appearance' and 'showing support' especially at Irish funerals. There's also a saying that 'we always remember who didn't attend moreso than who did!!' (which is also true for weddings if the wedding forum is anything to go by).

So this is what I don't like about the whole 'showing support' thing. It seems to be the 'just in case' default option which is fine for some people so the maybe doing the shake hands thing at the removal to the church is ok.
Just like weddings I'd prefer if folk just got on with it and not worried about the social post-mortem of 'who did or more importantly didn't show up to our event'. Just remember the real reason your there.

In saying all that though I'm probably a hypocrit because I know there will be future occasions where I think it's best to leave the family at it (if I don't know the deceased), but those in my social/work circle might be saying I was odd if I didn't 'put in an appearance to show support'.

r93kaey5p2izun

73Cat wrote: »

I would always attend the removal of a friend's relative. If I didn't know them at all I wouldn't necessarily attend the funeral home to view the deceased. I'd wait outside the church for the coffin to arrive, and go up and shake hands with the family. It's a show of support ,you go for the living left behind.

Yes, as I said, I understand that's the sentiment. I'm just saying that the reality is that often, in my experience, those grieving don't want the support of people they hardly know or haven't seen in years. Yes I understand that's not always the case and many people expect all and sundry to turn out as a mark of respect or support, but others need to understand that not everyone else feels that way. I know lots of people who feel like you and I know lots of people who feel like me about this. There is a regional divide in many cases and definitely a cultural one.

To me funerals and removals are a time for people who knew the deceased to mourn and remember them. I think it's reasonable that immediate relatives of the mourners would attend for support even if they didn't know the deceased. But that's it.

freshpopcorn

Corbin Scrawny Podium wrote: »

I can only speak from my experience but funeral/removal details would be announced in the paper (certainly not radio)

Just out interest is this Dublin because I know people from a lot of counties and the death notices are read out on local radio a couple of times a day.

mct1

It's south east, not Dublin. Removal's in the morning directly before the service. Good idea to ring the funeral home and ask - thanks. We're not religious so not a mass card. I've already expressed our sympathy over the phone. Not decided yet, depends on himself really. He works, I don't, also I'm slightly more pally with her, so it would definitely look very odd if he went and I didn't. I'll explain my view but basically if he's intent on going then I'll go too. But in that case I'll push for just attending the removal.