I never get approached by guys??

funnygirl · 02-07-2015 11:30AM

And about my looks, i wear makeup, i wear nice clothes like other girls my age. I take care of myself. I'm slim and fit. Regardless of all this i still don't feel confident.

02-07-2015 11:35AM

funnygirl wrote: »

I have been working on my confidence but no matter what i do i'm just not confident in myself at all. There's no magic fix to be more confident. For various reasons in my life i've always had low self esteem.

There isn't, but you can work towards it. It'll be a long process, but you'll get there.

Sign up to meetup.com. It's a fantastic way to meet new people and you can find groups for your own age group and interests. Get used to meeting people and interacting with other people outside of a pub environment.

Exercise, diet. You'll be amazed at how much it helps. I was at my heaviest at the start of the year, before starting in or around March. Since then I've lost a stone, a noticeable difference in my waist, and a huge improvement in my overall well-being. I'm still not fully there and it's a long process, but boy is it worth it.

Go to a counselor. You can find low cost options around you, I would imagine. It would be a great way for you to try and work on your self esteem issues.

Pyr0 · 02-07-2015 03:24PM

funnygirl wrote: »

I'm not much of a drinker. Lack of confidence isn't an excuse, it's a real issue for me. If i'm not confident about my looks i would find it very hard to approach any guy, and it doesn't help the fact i've yet to see any girl approach a guy. What i've seen is guys always do the approaching so i would probably be seen as weird if i did that.

Now that I think about it, I always felt a bit more comfortable approaching a group of girls (or even just 2) with a friend of mine to help ease the nerves a bit, we never made it too obvious that we were trying to chat specific ones up, we just chatted and had the laugh and if they stuck around throughout the night then all the better.

Something as simple as "Have you got a light?" (If it's in the smoking area) followed up with a bit of chit chat can do the trick and get things rolling, maybe it's something you can try?

santana75 · 03-07-2015 11:04AM

funnygirl wrote: »

And also i guess i was asking why would a girl never get approached. Now don't get me wrong i don't expect to get approached, i just thought most girls do at some point. Any girls i've met or any of my friends are always telling stories of guys hitting on them and i just think well it never happens to me, so naturally i just think i must be unattractive.

Good God please stop saying that to yourself. Just because guys dont approach you it doesnt mean youre unattractive. I was talking to this girl I know from south america the other night. She was telling me that when she came to Ireland first she got really upset because she was here 3 months and not one guy had approached her. Whereas in Venezuela, where shes from, guys wouldve hit on her all the time. In fact where shes from the guys can be pests. So she was telling me she felt unatttactive and in general bad about herself after living here for a while. And she was an atttactive girl. Not intimidatingly attractive, like a Victoria secrets model, but still really pretty.
Its a cultural thing here, a lot of guys will just not approach for fear of rejection, embarrassment etc. And I know your friends are getting approached but that doesnt mean anything about you and your looks. Youve said yourself that youre shy and not confident, the thing is we attract what we ourselves are. Youre shy, so it stands to reason that shy guys are attracted to you, but being shy, they dont approach.
I have seen girls who would be considered not conventionally attractive get approached and hook up with guys a lot. Its nothing to do with their looks, its all to do with how they see themselves. They obviously value who they are and think theyre pretty great because when you think like that you are a magnet for other people. Its when you think youre unattractive that the problems start.
Like I said its partly a cultural thing, but mostly its an issue of how you see yourself. So please stop judging yourself based on how you think guys see you. First off you honestly dont know how they see you but more importantly, it doesnt matter. The more you grow up the more you realise it doesnt matter what anyone thinks of you, that your self image is the only gig in town. Develop your relationship with yourself. I know thats frustrating to hear, that its not a quick fix, but there is no short way here. The good news is when you decide to work on your own self image, the pieces just fall into place as you go along. Theres no manual but you'll find that what you need comes to you and that everything is a lesson and an opportunity to grow. It'll work out, trust me. Just relax and let it happen.

Mr. Incognito · 03-07-2015 03:21PM

This isnt about guys.

This is about you. You are seeking validation from an external source- the number of guys hitting on you.

It's a terrible starting point.

Guys approach someone they are attracted to. The things that people find attractive in a bar are the same things that people find attractive outside a bar and number one on that list is

1. CONFIDENCE.

Not up your own hole, I am great, look at me but rather, I know myself, and I like myself. And the only person that can give you that validation is you. People always say that they meet people when they are not looking for them.

That's because they are off having a a great time with their friends or doing something interesting and new and fun and other people see that and think, wow, what an interesting and fun person.

If your validation is based on guys hitting on you you really need to stand back and think if guys hitting on you was the answer would you be happy? No. You have loads of guys hitting on you online and it doesnt make you any happier or less insecure.

Bottom line, work on you. Go see a Councellor if required. Read things that interest you, find hobbies. You are twenty. TWENTY!! You have 60 years of living to do. Make sure that when you find someone you have armed yourself to find the best someone you can find.

As an aside, when I was single I used to hit on the most attractive girl in the room and it always worked as guys were too intimidated to approach them. It's nerve wracking when you hit on a girl you fancy and she decides to be rude, which happens a lot more than it should sometimes. As a result all the half drunk lads can end up hitting on some unattractive ladies which adds more fuel because she is thinking, what? My lumpy one eyed, paraplegic mate with vomit on her can get hit on and I cant? WTF is wrong with me.

Maybe give online a go and try some dates to get your confidence up.

To that user who made the comments about that she should dress more provicatively, I got angry for a second but then I realised that you are just brainwashed by the media, and FHM and any shampoo ad to think that girls have to be half naked to lure you/ sell you shampoo. You sound like a sleezy creep. If that's the type of girl you go for ye deserve each other. Women who dress half naked attract sleezy guys.
Sleezy guys arent going to help your confidence.

There are accessories that you can put on to make yourself attractive. Books. The most attractive girls to me in life are those reading a book, on a train, on a plane. A lady that dresses elegantly is a lady and if you want to attract guys that are looking for ladies then become one.

But work on you first.

leahyl · 05-07-2015 01:23PM

Great post Mr. Incognito. I certainly need to take a lot of that advice! OP you are only 20 - 10 years younger than me :-(, and I've very rarely been approached by guys on a night out and am still single...you don't have to worry at all, take Mr. Incognitos advice and you'll be fine - work on that confidence in yourself! Best of luck!

Est28 · 06-07-2015 09:17PM

So I know everyone wants to go down the route of talking about looks and.... oh god, someone's ALREADY gone down the "councelling" route as the usual fix here for EVERYTHING.... lets look at another angle.

Anyone I've ever haerd saying this in the past had the same problem and it is easily fixable:
They weren't making themselves approachable.

Read that again before someone jumps on me and says I'm telling OP do something inappropriate.... I'M NOT!

The difference between being approachable or not is fairly easy:
- If someone is hanging around a "busy" part of a bar, they're easy to talk to, someone in the corner or a table with their friends is not.
- If a girl seems to be friendly or leaves herself open for a conversation, again, it makes it easy, many people are buried in their friends groups, facing away from people, facing the bar, not outwards, huddled in a group, REALLY looks engaged with the friends conversation.

It's simple enough, if you MAKE yourself approachable by just making it easy for someone to strike a small conversation with a small comment then it'll happen a lot. If you're making it difficult to get to you, then it won't.

Looks, in fairness, a guy might go over if he thinkgs a girl is cute, but it's not a disney movie, he won't barrel through crowds and over tables, but if it's easy to say a quick word to someone without having to drive through a group of friends, he will.

Also, lastly... another common one you hear is someone saying "nobody ever talks to me" when the reality is "nobody I want to talk to me, talks to me".

Then again, was already mentioned but nothing wrong with starting a conversation yourself. The whole, make a guy do EVERYTHING and saying "He'd do it if he liked her" is just wrong. He'll do it to a point until she just appears unappreciative and he'll move on. He might think you're cute but nobody is such a special snowflake that a guy would go to ANY lengths for you without knowing you, above and beyond ANYONE else there. If he strikes up a conversation and you like him, smile and talk back. If you won't, most guys will jus talk to someone else who WILL be pleasant to them in conversation.

TheManiac2000 · 07-07-2015 02:08PM

funnygirl wrote: »

I don't know where else to ask this. I'm 20 and i'm really starting to think i must be ugly. Guys never seem to approach me, anywhere. My friends seem to always get guys and they always
have boyfriends, whereas i'm always the single one. It knocks my confidence knowing i can't really get a guy. I don't know if this is just in my head but guys do seem to stare at me, friends that i've been with notice this too when we're out and about but most of the time i just think they're staring because i'm ugly or they're not really staring at all!

The weird thing is, i have joined a dating site just to see where i stand and i do seem to get loads of guys messaging me etc, but i assume this happens to all girls. Alot of these guys are after one night stands.

It's really knocking my self esteem and i just feel really unattractive. Why would a girl never get approached?

Hi there, Im in the exact same dilemma

Im 20 too and I would say Im a pretty good looking guy who gets plenty of admiring glances from ladies but it just never leads anywhere for me and Ive never ever had a girlfriend. Im also probably the best looking of my group of friends but yet like you Im always the one who is single and struggles to get girls

At the moment theres this girl in work who was definately attracted to me and I to her but now I feel thats run its course too for some reason. Its horrible and its frustrating OP and I know exactly how you feel

Lazerwolf · 07-07-2015 04:20PM

Maybe you need to approach the guys instead of waiting for them to approach you.

brianregan09 · 07-07-2015 04:42PM

I'd ask you out just based on you're posts but thats just me

beks101 · 07-07-2015 06:28PM

Yeah Irish lads aren't great at the whole "Hi, I'm Dave, I saw you from across the room and had to introduce myself".

I felt a lot like you OP when I lived in Ireland. Didn't help that I didn't have many male friends so the usual Irish scenario of meeting-a-friend-of-a-friend-at-a-house-party situation didn't crop up too often. That and if I did go to that house party, I'd be the chick staring at my shoes in the corner, constantly adjusting my top and wondering why no-one was noticing me, not exactly an enticing option for a chat or a giggle, let alone an approach. That kind of insecurity is pervasive, it actively takes you off people's radar. People want to feel comfortable, relaxed around you; that just makes them feel on edge.

I moved abroad in my mid twenties, BAM men staring at me and approaching me all over the shop, not because I'm a big ride (which of course I am

) but because 1. in a general sense, Irish men are not nearly as forward as they tend to be elsewhere and we tend to be a lot more "equal opportunities" about any sort of approach and 2. I was abroad and living the life of riley, out meeting new people and seeing new places and generally far less self conscious because I was too busy enjoying myself to care about who thought or didn't think I was cute.

Try to change your mindset, because the fact is that there's not going to be any kind of massive culture change where all of a sudden the men will start stampeding towards you. We don't work like that. I've seen in with Irish men. My male mates will chat to me about it. They'll observe from afar and decide 'nah, no chance mate' at any chance they get. She's got a boyfriend, she'll tell me to fcuk off, I'll be interrupting her night.

You have no god given right to be approached by men by virtue of the fact that you have a vagina, and that sort of mentality is a surefire way of keeping the men away too. They'll sense a stand-off, a self-consciousness, a sense of self entitlement and use it as a reason to stay away.

Think about it. Imagine you're at a party and someone is standing in the corner expecting people to come over and make their best offer, because they're too awesome to make any effort themselves - are you going to go and try to have the craic with them? Like feck you are. You're going to think "hard work" and move on.

Be that person that goes out to meet new people and have a good night with no greater motives. Be the person that smiles all the time, introduces themselves to everyone they see, asks people about themselves, pokes fun at anyone and everyone. Talk to every lad you see, regardless of whether you fancy them or not. Befriend them, engage them, ask them about themselves. Be a people person. And if you like someone, smile and tease and laugh a bit more. Give people reason to approach you and they will.

LegacyUser · 07-07-2015 08:30PM

My point is neither here nor there really, just that there is no correlation between how often guys approach you and how pretty you are, or how confident you are etc. It could be anything.
I'm 25 years old, I'm pretty, confident, intelligent, funny (also incredibly flawed, obviously, but that's not the point of the post). I neveeeer get approached by guys. Occasionally it happens, it's usually either the sleazy ones or somebody I've already spoken too...but even then I can't remember the last time it happened. It does suck sometimes, it must be great to be able to beckon a guy with your eyelashes like other girls do but I guess it's not for everyone. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm not as pretty as I think, maybe I give off weird vibes, maybe I smell or only shy boys are attracted to me? I don't know it doesn't really make a difference. I worked on my confidence a lot during my early 20s. I used to be so much like you, didn't have a clue how to approach a boy or what I'd say to him. Moving a lot and having male friends helped; but really it's just a case of "fake it 'till you make it." and not pinning your self-worth to how others might perceive you; you could be the most beautiful girl in the world and still someone's just not going to be into you.

For what's it's worth, I do sometime ask boys why they didn't approach me, it's usually something along the lines of "You looked cool and intimidating" but as a secondary teacher I know for a fact that I look like a complete pushover so I don't believe that for a second.

blatantrereg · 08-07-2015 08:47AM

Probably means you come across as closed, not open. Good looks make a closed-looking person less approachable, not more, because it makes them more intimidating/more likely to be unimpressed.

aidanki · 08-07-2015 09:30AM

so how do you give off good vibes, and what can you do to improve yourself sounds like the right question to ask at this stage

Its a mix of tone of voice, and body language.........but can someone offer pointers on how to give off good vibes please

blatantrereg · 08-07-2015 12:36PM

Alternatively don't worry about not getting approached in pubs and clubs and investigate other ways of meeting people. Finding a social activity based on some personal interest would allow you to meet people with similar interests. Pubs and clubs don't suit everyone especially when it comes to meeting new people. They're ideal for very open very outgoing people. Changing your approach to suit yourself makes more sense than changing yourself to suit your approach.

I never get approached by guys??

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