WORST NIGHTMARE - PLEASE HELP

ShaShaBear · 17-06-2015 12:51PM

tinz18 wrote: »

I know my friend who is paranoid about getting pregnant so she has a supply of pregnancy tests on hand and if she feels anyways weird or gets weird pregnancy-like symptoms she takes one, even when she had the implant, now moreso since they use condoms and the pill. An unplanned pregnancy is her worst nightmare so she'd rather test straight away when she's late than stress herself out about whether she is or not.

Maybe the woman realized she missed a pill when she went to take it the next day and figured she'd still be protected or she missed one in the previous or following seven days. Maybe not. I don't find it odd that she wants to keep the baby if there is one, I'd be the same regardless of circumstances. Its her child too and with two children already she probably feels she'll be able to handle it. As for the having the baby to play with the other children comment- you often hear couples talking about trying for another baby so their first child has a little brother/sister to play with- I honestly don't see what is suspicious about that.

OP the main point is its happened and you need to face up to maybe the situation being real rather than avoid it and tell your wife so she can get checked for STIs. Whatever about the moral side of cheating on and lying to her, she'll be much angrier if you pass something onto her and she finds out further down the line. Plan A should not be sticking your head in the sand and hoping it goes away.

That's assuming her husband is okay with her raising a child that might not be his (if she is being honest, then he will know it isn't) in their house around his kids.
"Separation" or not, if I got pregnant to someone else, I certainly wouldn't be unconcerned and in fact happy that my kids have another sibling to "play" with. The baby will be up on 6 months old before anyone will be playing. This woman is clearly not paranoid about a pregnancy, as you said yourself, paranoia would suggest they are worried about something - or dread it. This woman clearly has neither issue, and nearly seems to relish it.

melissak · 17-06-2015 12:51PM

You are seriously asking people for advice on how to emotionally blackmail awoman into aborting a baby she wants to keep to save your marriage? You destroyed the trust in n your marriage when you went online to find someone other than your wife to have sex with. You will have to live with the fallout. Sorry to be blunt but there is no easy way out of this for you that i can see.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:54PM

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them all even the hard truths. Some of them have been quite helpful.

As a few of you have said this is suspicious, did she plan it? I dont know and does it really matter if shes actually pregnant.

I know I should admit everything now but I think its best I wait for further proof and get a dna test as who knows how many she has slept with?

Im no saint and cant justify my actions but I am trying to salvage this situation not for me but for my wife and child. This was a once off and it kills me to think of the hurt I will cause others by my stupidity.

I cant just ignore the situation either or hope she wont expose me or track me down, how long would that last?

I know there is no magic wand that will make this disappear but surely I could articulate the madness and irresponsibility of bringing an unwanted baby into the world that will cause so much hurt to so many people, especially as we barely know each other and have only met once.

George Jones · 17-06-2015 12:56PM

introuble2016 wrote: »

but surely I could articulate the madness and irresponsibility of bringing an unwanted baby into the world that will cause so much hurt to so many people, especially as we barely know each other and have only met once.

Is the baby unwanted though? It seems pretty wanted to me.

Will the baby really cause so much hurt to so many people?

K_P · 17-06-2015 12:57PM

introuble2016 wrote: »

I know there is no magic wand that will make this disappear but surely I could articulate the madness and irresponsibility of bringing an unwanted baby into the world that will cause so much hurt to so many people, especially as we barely know each other and have only met once.

Nope. No. No. Still no. All the no. It'll still be a no when you ask again.

MrWalsh · 17-06-2015 12:59PM

introuble2016 wrote: »

surely I could articulate the madness and irresponsibility of bringing an unwanted baby into the world that will cause so much hurt to so many people, especially as we barely know each other and have only met once.

She wants it.

The baby wont cause any hurt. Yourself and herself are the ones causing the hurt.

CaraMay · 17-06-2015 01:00PM

Op I've been knocking around personal issues for a long time and gave read about many the tricky situation and I've never wanted anyone to get their comeuppance as much as you.

As I see it:

- you are using sites to cheat on your wife, probably with multiple strangers while keeping her sweet at home. As dr phil would say 'this ain't your first rodeo'.
- you think you are just cheating on your wife but what you are actually doing is cheating on the mother of your child. You claim to adore your child yet you are willing to put it's mother (physical and mental health) at risk through your dangerous sexual liaisons.
- you got a stranger pregnant and you want her to kill the baby so you can continue making a fool of your wife and child
- you go for an sti check for yourself and refuse to allow your wife protect herself. IMHO this is the worst bit.

I doubt the woman is pregnant and I think you've encountered a nut job but you deserve it. For your wife's sake I hope she finds out about your double life. You will have reduced access to your child but IMHO that's a good thing. You don't want a son to learn from a man like you and you wouldn't want a daughter to grow up to think this is how women (wife's / mothers) are treated.

I don't really care about the infidelity bit, the collateral damage is huge.

You can't force this woman to abort but you can do right by your wife. She shouldn't have to live this life. She could be single and meet a lovely man who wouldn't dream of cheating on her. She deserves that and your child deserves to grow up in a house where the adults love and respect each other. You will never have that in your house.

Augme · 17-06-2015 01:10PM

CaraMay wrote: »

You will have reduced access to your child but IMHO that's a good thing. You don't want a son to learn from a man like you and you wouldn't want a daughter to grow up to think this is how women (wife's / mothers) are treated..

This is a great reason as to why you should keep it a secret OP. Your reputation and name will take a huge hit if people find out about this. You can't help it if people find out about this from someone else but you do have control about them finding out about it from you so don't say anything and keep it a secret.

LegacyUser · 17-06-2015 01:11PM

You've got 2 problems here OP.
Firstly, this woman and her pregnancy (real or imagined).
Secondly, your marriage and what you have done.

You will get found it. Have no doubt whatsoever about it, it will happen eventually. It may or may not involve a child, but what you've done will be found out. Your wife isn't stupid either you know, she may realise herself that something is not right about you and your behaviour. You are completely dismissing her in all of this, but she could work it out just as quickly as this woman could make it known.

If there is a child, it will certainly come out. The question is simply when.

You can articulate to her all you want about the madness of bringing an unwanted baby into the world, but you know what - t*&gh s&*t. It's not your decision to make. There is no abortion in this country. Why can't you seem to realise that? This decision is up to her, and sorry, but she's the one in control here.

You screwed up and now you have to live with the consequences - which are going to impact many other people and not just you. You need to find out first whether she is actually pregnant or not, and if she is, you have to wait and get a DNA test done. Meanwhile, you have to figure out how to tell your wife. From my perspective, you need to figure out how to tell her you cheated first, and then once the DNA test is done, how to tell her about the baby. Whether you tell her before or after the DNA test is done is your choice. Not telling your wife about any of it, regardless of the baby - well, that one is between you and your conscience.

To be honest, there's a hundred other things I could say here but I'm not going to bother. You need to stop panicking and trying to run away from the situation, and figure out how you're going to deal with what happens next, because it's not going to just go away.

George Jones · 17-06-2015 01:12PM

I'm bowing out of this. As I said previously, this needn't be your worst nightmare OP. I wish you all well.

CaraMay · 17-06-2015 01:15PM

Augme wrote: »

This is a great reason as to why you should keep it a secret OP. Your reputation and name will take a huge hit if people find out about this. You can't help it if people find out about this from someone else but you do have control about them finding out about it from you so don't say anything and keep it a secret.

Op this is bad advice. Your moral compass is very off. Do you want your child to be raised to think your behaviour is ok and how people behave?

Oh and another thing - she's clearly no mother Theresa so what's to stop her contacting your wife in the future to say you forced her to abort your baby. Anything is possible

Augme · 17-06-2015 01:26PM

CaraMay wrote: »

Op this is bad advice. Your moral compass is very off. Do you want your child to be raised to think your behaviour is ok and how people behave?

Who says the child will find out if he keeps it a secret so how will the child know that is acceptable behaviour?

My moral compass is perfectly fine. The OP can tell his wife and have his wife and child know he's a cheating or he can keep it a secret and have his wife and kid this he's a loving husband and great Father. There is only one choice to take here in my opinion. You might not be a choice you like though.

You said it yourself, if he admits this he'll be treated like dirt and his wife and kid will have no respect for him.

TheBeardedLady · 17-06-2015 01:33PM

I haven't read the whole thread but if I had unprotected sex with someone or the condom broke or whatever, I'd certainly be doing a pregnancy test if my period was even a few days late. She had reason to do a test in this case as obviously contraception wasn't used effectively or at all.

beyondbelief67 · 17-06-2015 01:33PM

Augme wrote: »

Who says the child will find out if he keeps it a secret so how will the child know that is acceptable behaviour? My moral compass is perfectly fine. The OP can tell his wife and have his wife and child know he's a cheating or he can keep it a secret and have his wife and kid this he's a loving husband and great Father. There is only one choice to take here in my opinion. You might not be a choice you like though.

You said it yourself, if he admits this he'll be treated like dirt and his wife and kid will have no respect for him.

Do you not think his wife deserves to get checked for any sti she might have ?
The only way he can advise her to get them is by being honest !
I can't believe you could just go and get yourself checked for them op without even considering Your wife's health, the mother of your child. That really says how inconsiderate your being.
Please think of her, just for once.

CaraMay · 17-06-2015 01:34PM

Augme All my post was directed at the op.

He is risking his wife's health because she can't get sti testing done. He isn't a good father and husband

Augme · 17-06-2015 01:39PM

beyondbelief67 wrote: »

Do you not think his wife deserves to get checked for any sti she might have ?
The only way he can advise her to get them is by being honest !
I can't believe you could just go and get yourself checked for them op without even considering Your wife's health, the mother of your child. That really says how inconsiderate your being.
Please think of her, just for once.

It's not about deserving. It's about giving the best advice to the OP and not anyone else.

LegacyUser · 17-06-2015 01:40PM

melissak wrote: »

You are seriously asking people for advice on how to emotionally balacmail awoman into aborting a baby she wants to keep to save your marriage? You destroyed the trust in n your marriage when you went online to find someone other than your wife to have sex with. You will have to live with the fallout. Sorry to be blunt but there is no easy way out of this for you that i can see.

Pretty much this OP. People are getting caught up with the is there really a baby and if there is is it really yours…..just distractions to the issue.

You cheated on your wife and not just cheated but a very much a calculated choice to cheat for just sex. You didn't get drunk or fall in love with someone else, you went online and found someone who just wanted to have sex. You claim it was a one time thing but I find that very hard to believe. Drunk stupid acts someone can claim are one offs but going looking for something…sorry bud not buying it. You've got a fright because of the claimed pregnancy and your trying to distract from the issue by saying it's unfair to bring this unwanted child into the world etc etc The child is not causing hurt to people, you've already done that when you made the choice to cheat on your wife.

You went looking for sex elsewhere so your marriage is clearly not in a good place and no matter the out come of this event that's not going to change without some major effort and I doubt your going to change OP, this scare might put you off for a while but what drove you to look for sex online before is still there, you've not addressed that, not made any effort to fix it, you just want everything swept under the rug and that can't be a good environment to raise your child in. If you really do care so much about them as you claim then you need to address your relationship with your wife and accept it might be over.

rcarroll · 17-06-2015 01:42PM

wow Op...just....WOW...you're looking for ways to convince someone to have an abortion...that's just...so unbelievably low!!! How could you keep plugging this angle after she's told you she wants to keep the child, I really don't have any words for you except, that's a scummy thing to do! You're willing to emotionally blackmail someone to take a massive decision about their fertility, their body, their choice to bring life...all so you're wife doesn't find out you cheated?! Take a minute and slow the F_ck down to think about that for a second, this isn't a decision that ANYBODY takes lightly, and there is NO WAY you should be trying to force her into it, it will affect her the rest of her life, especially as it's wanted.

I know you want this problem to go away, but it won't. You now have a new baby, whether it was planned or not. Yes, you're previously planned life with your current child will be affected and will change. Probably you will end up living the 'half a dad' life running between visitacions and not spending enough time with them as you'd like....but tough cookie, should have thought of that before PLANNING to cheat and ACTIVELY breaking up your marriage.

Talk to your wife, who knows, ye might get through this and come out better for it. Your family life won't be the same, but you'll now have two children to look after and love if you want to and things can be worked out.

beyondbelief67 · 17-06-2015 01:43PM

Augme wrote: »

It's not about deserving. It's about giving the best advice to the OP and not anyone else.

And if that involves his wife becoming seriously ill that doesn't matter ?? You think only that the op needing respect is more important than someone's health ?
That really is beyond any moral compass
Op seriously hope you don't take this advice.

Augme · 17-06-2015 01:47PM

beyondbelief67 wrote: »

And if that involves his wife becoming seriously ill that doesn't matter ?? You think only that the op needing respect is more important than someone's health ?
That really is beyond any moral compass
Op seriously hope you don't take this advice.

Who said it doesn't matter? There are other ways she can make sure his wives health is okay without needing to tell her.

Firstly the OP can checked himself and then he can ask the women he slept with to get checked. If both come back clean then job done, the wives health isn't at risk.

beyondbelief67 · 17-06-2015 01:59PM

Augme wrote: »

Who said it doesn't matter? There are other ways she can make sure his wives health is okay without needing to tell her.

Firstly the OP can checked himself and then he can ask the women he slept with to get checked. If both come back clean then job done, the wives health isn't at risk.

Really really hope your simply on a Wind up here, I can't believe anyone would be so cavalier with someone else's life, health, feelings and emotions.
That's without the deceit involved !

tinz18 · 17-06-2015 02:10PM

Augme wrote: »

Who said it doesn't matter? There are other ways she can make sure his wives health is okay without needing to tell her.

Firstly the OP can checked himself and then he can ask the women he slept with to get checked. If both come back clean then job done, the wives health isn't at risk.

There has been cases of certain STIs being passed on with the carrier testing negative while their partner is tested as positive. That's why both partners need to be tested.

Testing of STIs is good but its not 100% fail proof, OP shouldn't stake his wifes health solely based on his results. Its explained well in the answer in this link: http://std.about.com/od/gettingtested/f/falsepositive.htm

DeltaWhite · 17-06-2015 02:14PM

Wow Augme your OH (if you have one) is a lucky guy/lady

OP you're obviously panicking which is understandable considering the sh!t storm you brought onto yourself, your wife, and your child. But seriously, think straight here for a minute, you cannot force this woman to abort the baby. Not gonna happen. she may say she won't out you now but I imagine her decision would change in time. That again will unleash more of a sh!t storm for you.

You really are just going to have to deal with this, taking a cowards way out usually always has consequences. You can't run away from your problems forever. I don't think that's ever worked for anyone. And avoiding her is not going to help, how could you deal with having a child out there that you have dismissed from your life? Madness!

Dark Phoenix · 17-06-2015 02:23PM

ah the old 'we are seperated and not sleeping together and only living together for the sake of the kids' story. God you hear that so often. Theres no way to know if she really is seperated from the husband at all. Seems a bit unlikely that she would expect said husband to be happy to allow her live with him while having someone else's child but then the whole thing sounds dodgy to me full stop.

First thing is - is she pregnant. Second is who is the father. I'd find out both those things before you go to telling anyone anything before it all gets even more messy. The photo you were sent could be taken by anyone online. Secondly for all you know she is pregnant by her husband or another guy and is making youthe fall guy. Only way to know if she is pregnant is getting her to take test when you are there. Only way to know if its yours is to get a pre natal test done. I wouldnt be making any plans until I knew those two things.

As for the cheating in general, seriously you would expect a serial cheater to have more cop on and to at least to use a condom instead of just assuming the woman would take care of that. Sure it leaves you open to pregnancy and STDs. Definately get an STD test and if its not clear you have another dilemna about whether or not you tell your wife.

All this mess aside, why are you with your wife? Break up and agree access and you can still see your child. Pretending to be in a relationship with her and cheating on her so you can live with your child full time is sickeningly selfish. You have claimed this is your worst nightmare - i'd imagine finding out her cheating husband has knocked up a married woman and potentially given her an STD might be your wifes.

giggle84 · 17-06-2015 03:03PM

introuble2016 wrote: »

Its very early and she could just take a pill and have a miscarriage

= 14 years in jail, for you as well if you procure said pill.

I think you have enough problems OP.

MrWalsh · 17-06-2015 03:08PM

giggle84 wrote: »

= 14 years in jail, for you as well if you procure said pill.

I think you have enough problems OP.

Not if she went to the UK and procured the pill there. The crime only exists to do it on Irish soil.

giggle84 · 17-06-2015 03:12PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

Not if she went to the UK and procured the pill there. The crime only exists to do it on Irish soil.

I know he just seemed a bit flippant about it in his OP as if she'd pop a pill, no big deal.. didn't sound like he was thinking of her having to travel.

Minor point amid the car crash this guy has created I suppose.

Emme · 17-06-2015 03:17PM

ShaShaBear wrote: »

For all you know she could be a single loony with no kids that gets a kick out of scaring men into thinking she's pregnant.

Single loony with no kids? That's nice and I'm sure it will make any single women with no kids who read this thread feel reeeeaaaalllly good about themselves.

(1) If the OP wants to man up and do the decent thing he should arrange to meet this woman face to face and demand a copy of the positive pregnancy test. Even if she says she's not sleeping with her husband he should insist on a DNA test. Tell his wife what's going on and arrange STD tests for both of them.

(2) If he wants to continue with the subterfuge he can break off all contact with this woman and try to make a go of things with his wife. Again he should arrange STD tests for both of them. Naturally his wife will ask questions so he might be as well to go with no (1).

Flippyfloppy · 17-06-2015 03:22PM

Emme wrote: »

Single loony with no kids? That's nice and I'm sure it will make any single women with no kids who read this thread feel reeeeaaaalllly good about themselves.

.

It shouldnt need to be explained to most posters that the 'loony' part of that persons post was referring to the possibility the woman OP met led him to believe she was on contraception/may not be pregnant by him/at all !!!

melissak · 17-06-2015 03:26PM

UnpopularJamming wrote: »

I know this advice won't be taken terribly well by a lot of people, but maybe just do nothing?

Let her raise the child in another family. Unless the baby will look ridiculously different from the siblings / husband it would probably get away under the radar.

There's nothing to really tie you to this woman either. You've met once and had sex once. Get rid of her out of your life.

This won't be win-win but it could come pretty close to that.

Not win win for the guy who will unknowing raise another mans child, or the child, or for you op when it all comes out...

WORST NIGHTMARE - PLEASE HELP

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