WORST NIGHTMARE - PLEASE HELP

introuble2016

Hi Guys,

I need advice and don't have anyone I can talk to about this situation. Basically I'm married and I slept with another married lady, now shes pregnant. This is my worst nightmare. Its very early and she could just take a pill and have a miscarriage but she is thinking about keeping the baby.

We only met once and had sex once. She doesn't love her husband and would love a sibling for her other children so doesn't see this situation as too bad for her. I also have a young child, my marriage would end in divorce and I wouldn't get to raise my child, which is killing me.

Please dont tell me im ****ed or a dick, I know Im a dickhead and know how ****ed I am.

I really need advice on what I can say to her that will convince her how crazy and irresponsible it is to bring a child into the world in our situation.

I have told her that it will tear my family apart, I wont be able to raise my child. I told her what if I said after our night together you couldn't live or raise your girls, how would you feel? I told her its crazy as we barely know each other and are married and the hurt we would cause those around us through this.

Is there anything else I could say to convince her of how crazy this is and to see that it is nuts to bring a baby into the world in our situations?

strandroad

No you can't persuade her to have an abortion if she doesn't want to, forget this avenue.
You need to deal with the fallout.

Merkin

Given the nature of the OP, this is likely to be an emotive topic so can we ask folks to keep feedback civil and constructive? Thanks

slinky2000

Can you be sure it's yours?

Gonzp

Bringing a child into this situation is not ideal. But I think you are only thinking of yourself and how this will change your life completely if your wife finds out. To ask someone to have an abortion to keep yourself out of trouble is very selfish. Having an abortion is not a decision you should take lighly nor will any woman. Dont try and force it.

Tell your wife, be honest. You fu***d up, maybe ye can work it out. Either way, whatever happens, you have rights to see your current child...

frostyjacks

Emotinally blackmailing her isn't going to help. You have to man up and deal with it, it doesn't sound like anyone forced you into sleeping with her. You need to come clean with your wife asap, the longer you keep her in the dark about this the worse the reaction will be when she finds out. Best of luck.

introuble2016

There is still time to fix the situation, I cant be sure it mine but think it is, I woudn't know for sure until a dna test later down the road.

It would kill me to not be able to raise my child, I know I should have thought of that before.

I know its selfish to want her to have the abortion but its crazy to bring a baby into the world in this situation, any help with what I can say to her to show her how crazy it would be??

Oryx

You cant make her get rid of the baby. So if she decides to keep it, then you need to figure out what happens next. Who gets told what, and how that happens. If its all going to come out anyway, its best you come clean to your wife yourself. Youve fcuked up, you have to grit your teeth and face it. Not every relationship fails following infidelity. Theres a high chance yours will, but all you can do is face it with honesty. If you want to keep your marriage, then you need to do all you can to convince your wife she matters. This will be catastrophic for her.

To be honest, your panic right is selfish (you want the baby gone, you want your marraige intact not cos you love your wife, but to raise your existing child). Stop and turn that around for a minute. Start thinking of how everyone else is affected here and start doing right by them. Let your pregnant lover make her own decisions, and tell your wife the truth.

stickybookmark

Just replying to your specific question & nothing else. If it were me in that woman's position and I heard the father of the child say 'I won't support or have anything to do with this baby' and I thought they meant it, that would make me reconsider my options. That's not judging what you did, or her, or what you should do. That's simply answering your qn from a female perspective

introuble2016

shes only 2 weeks pregnant, why would I come clean so soon?

introuble2016

Thnaks for the reply stickybookmark, I have said I cant support her if she goes through with it as it would destroy my chance of happiness to raise my child. She said she wont expose me but that will only last so long.

LegacyUser

I know this advice won't be taken terribly well by a lot of people, but maybe just do nothing?

Let her raise the child in another family. Unless the baby will look ridiculously different from the siblings / husband it would probably get away under the radar.

There's nothing to really tie you to this woman either. You've met once and had sex once. Get rid of her out of your life.

This won't be win-win but it could come pretty close to that.

strandroad

introuble2016 wrote: »

shes only 2 weeks pregnant, why would I come clean so soon?

If you want to save your marriage, you probably don't want to add "9 months of lies" to "infidelity and pregnancy".

beyondbelief67

introuble2016 wrote: »

shes only 2 weeks pregnant, why would I come clean so soon?

So your wife has longer to come to terms with everything and decide what is best for her as there isn't just you and your pregnant lover involved in lives being turned upside down ?

frostyjacks

introuble2016 wrote: »

shes only 2 weeks pregnant, why would I come clean so soon?

Because when your wife finds out, she'll want to know how long she's been kept in the dark. Infidelity is one thing, compound with deceit and you want to be very far away when the cat's out of the bag.

athtrasna

introuble2016 wrote: »

shes only 2 weeks pregnant, why would I come clean so soon?

Is she actually pregnant? It's unlikely that she'd know so soon and so specifically. Yes there are tests that claim to tell you how pregnant you are but I can't see many women buying those when they're several times the cost of regular home tests.

There's also the chance that if she was two weeks pregnant, the pregnancy may not continue, so many things can go wrong in the first twelve weeks. I'm not sure I'd be saying anything to anyone until after that point.

introuble2016

Thanks Unpopularjamming, I could do nothing but she hasn't had sex with her husband lately so he will know its not his.

She said she wont expose me but how long would that last?

As shes only 2 weeks gone there's still a chance of miscarriage so don't think I should say anything yet.

Dunford

UnpopularJamming wrote: »

I know this advice won't be taken terribly well by a lot of people, but maybe just do nothing?

Let her raise the child in another family. Unless the baby will look ridiculously different from the siblings / husband it would probably get away under the radar.

There's nothing to really tie you to this woman either. You've met once and had sex once. Get rid of her out of your life.

This won't be win-win but it could come pretty close to that.

This happens all the time...plenty of kids happily brought up like this unawares. Hopefully she will keep the secret.

Neyite

OP, if she is married, then presumably she either wants to pass this baby off as her husbands, (in which case they have to have been having sex for that to be believable) or, she want to leave her husband and maybe thinks that you'll do likewise with your spouse and you'll live happily ever after.

So if its the first scenario, you may or may not be the father. If its the second, you need to be bluntly, crystal clear that while you would fulfil your financial obligations, you want no part of this child's life or hers. You cant force her to abort I'm afraid, it is her choice. If she chooses to keep it, then you will have to tell your wife. It sucks, but you'd be better off coming clean before she hears it elsewhere.

You've paid a high price for a shag but really, you cant blame anyone but yourself here.

introuble2016

Thanks Athtrasna, she sent me a pic of the pregnancy test, we had sex about two weeks ago and then at the weekend she said her period was late and then took the test. I would wait at least till 4 months before I thought about saying this to anyone as anything could happen.

George Jones

The right thing to do is accept for responsibility for your actions. You need to own this.

You CAN deal with this and you CAN deal with any consequences that arise from this. Tell your wife the truth. If this other lady wants to keep the baby - so be it. If your wife wants to divorce you - so be it. This needn't be your worst nightmare. You're hiding. Stop hiding and own this.

The truth will set you free.

lukesmom

2 weeks pregnant???? Are you sure she's pregnant at all because finding out at two weeks is very unusual. You'd normally realise after maybe the four weeks after. I'd be very very sure she's pregnant before I make any move at all. And anyway what if her husband is the father????? You say she doesn't love him, that doesn't mean she's not been intimite with him.

introuble2016

Thanks GeorgeJones.

Thanks Lukesmom, yeah the picture of the test said 1-2 weeks, its all i have to go on.

introuble2016

Thanks Neyite, she told me now she is seperated from her husband but they still live together and doesnt see this as too bad a situation for her, as another baby to play with her other children.

She knows I would never leave my wife for her, as I said this was a once off thing we barely know each other.

Raminahobbin

Op, I PROMISE you, absolutely PROMISE you, that if the child is born, your wife will find out at some stage. Definitely. Absolutely. Maybe not when the child is young, but she will find out somehow.

What will make this situation a million times worse is lying to her. When she finds out, this will be the thing that is forefront in her mind, and the thing that will make the betrayal so much worse.

You've kinda lost the right to make the decision about keeping quiet and staying with your wife by doing what you did- you need to accept that and you need to understand that it's her decision now. Come clean to her, let her make up her own mind about what to do, don't compound the problem.

Neyite

athtrasna wrote: »

Is she actually pregnant? It's unlikely that she'd know so soon and so specifically. Yes there are tests that claim to tell you how pregnant you are but I can't see many women buying those when they're several times the cost of regular home tests.

There's also the chance that if she was two weeks pregnant, the pregnancy may not continue, so many things can go wrong in the first twelve weeks. I'm not sure I'd be saying anything to anyone until after that point.

The digital tests aren't that much more expensive, but actually the best one on the market isn't a digital one but First Response which is about €15 for two.

Two weeks since conception is pretty much standard if you are actively trying to get pregnant. I tested positive on day 28 exactly (14 days post ovulation) and I know some women who have tested positive at 9 days past ovulation. That said, its strange that a woman who wasnt trying to get pregnant tested exactly on the day her period was due. Most unplanned ones, the woman might take a few days or a week or so to realise that her period is overdue.

And to know this early on what she wants to do? again, a married woman who knows her husband will twig its not his, she seems very focused and not panicking one bit.

So I'm wondering if she planned this? If that's the case, you NEED to tell your wife at some point, preferably as soon as you know this pregnancy is a real and viable one. If you had sex and realised that the condom split, or got carried away without one, you would have discussed her taking the morning after pill or being on the pill?

highly1111

This all sounds very dodgy. You barely know her but you know she hasn't been intimate with her husband. You only have her word for it.

What has she said?? What makes you so certain that a) its yours and b) she would tell your wife??

Did she tell you she was on the pill?? And I assume no condom used? Not even for STI protection?? I don't suppose I need to go on but I hope you've got yourself checked before you had sex with your wife again.

To be honest, I'd be getting an in vitro DNA test before I do anything further. I'm not going to blast you for infidelity because its pretty obvious you're remorseful but I hope that you've learnt a serious lesson here.

introuble2016

Thanks Raminahobbin, yeah she says she wont expose me but that can only last so long. I know it would come out eventually but why come clean now? I would need to get a dna test I think before I said anything.

Thanks Neyite, I dont know how late she was exactly but she sent me a pic of the test and it looks legit. She isnt panicking as much as me but maybe thats because she doesnt love her husband and said her marriage is over. She may have planned this but that doesent really make a difference at this stage.

OP - I would suggest you get an STI check as well. Honestly - I personally can't give you any other advice than that, but the fact that she's supposedly pregnant makes me think condoms weren't involved - you didn't mention one breaking, so it makes me think none.

introuble2016

Thanks Highly, it does sound dodgy, she told me she hasnt slept with her husband for months and I think I believe her.

introuble2016

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thanks Highly, it does sound dodgy, she told me she hasnt slept with her husband for months and I think I believe her.

If she hasn't slept with him for months and hasn't had sex with him since she's discovered she's pregnant, then it won't be all that hard for her husband to work out that it isn't his ...

introuble2016

Thanks Boney, dont think shes too worried about what her husband thinks. She was supposed to be on contraception, STI check tomorrow.

You should worry about what the husband finds out though. I'm sorry to put these thoughts in your head, but I'm just going to give you the Worst Case Scenario -

How did you two communicate? If it were over phone, then chances are that your number is somewhere. If I were him and found out that someone else is having my wife's baby, I'd go through her stuff (with justified reasons) to try and find out who it is. If I saw a number of someone I didn't recognize, I'd call them.

Now, like I said, this is the worst case scenario, but I do think it's worth thinking of.

introuble2016

Thanks Boney, we met on an online site, communicate through Kik, she doesnt have my number

introuble2016

I know I cant convince her to have an abortion but does anyone know what I can say to her so that she sees how wrong it would be to bring this child into the world, considering our situations, the hurt etc it would cause

Why did you cheat on your wife? You mention her marriage is over, but you didn't mention anything of yours. The fact you went out and arranged everything online makes me think it was a relatively long process and not some drunken fling. You also mention that you won't be able to see your child - are you staying in your marriage because of them?

Honestly, I don't know if there's anything you can tell her, bar what you've told her already. If she wants to keep it, she'll keep it. It's her decision ultimately. You can explain it to her, but nobody here can give you the words.

Raminahobbin

introuble2016 wrote: »

I know I cant convince her to have an abortion but does anyone know what I can say to her so that she sees how wrong it would be to bring this child into the world, considering our situations, the hurt etc it would cause

Afraid not, there's no magic fix here.

You are just deperately trying to undo what you did and make it go away- it won't. If she doesn't want an abortion, you can't push it. And you can't make her the bad person for not wanting an abortion, she has a right to decide what to do with her body.

The damage is done, there's no magic fix OP.

introuble2016

Thanks Ramina, I know there is no magic fix but surely I could show her that this is the worst way to bring a child into the world?

introuble2016

Thanks Boney, I was stupid and realize it. I love my wife and kid and am trying to salvage this situation.

introuble2016

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thanks Boney, I was stupid and realize it. I love my wife and kid and am trying to salvage this situation.

Here's the thing though - I don't think you do love them. I'm sorry to say that, but if you actually did, would you have knowingly gone out to find someone to sleep with? That's the crux of this; you used a website, which means time and effort went into creating a profile, messaging people, finding someone, messaging them, organizing a meet-up, all before you did the deed. And now you're only freaking out because the woman is now supposedly pregnant. With your baby.

What you need to do, instead of trying to convince her not to have the baby, because, to be completely honest, there's nothing you can really do about that, is take a long hard look at your own relationship and why you did it. Because that's a lot of work to cheat on someone you supposedly love ...

Go see a counsellor. Get yourself sorted instead of being fixated on this woman.

introuble2016

I appreciate what your saying Boney but lots of men cheat and still love their wives and want to raise their children.

Surely there must be something I could say to her that would make her see how crazy, reckless and irresponsible it is to bring this child into the world given our situations?

You can phrase the question however you want here - there is nothing you can say to them. I'm sorry.

You're also still not taking any responsibility. You're only feeling guilty there's a child involved now. You're not taking any responsibility or regret for the deed itself. It makes me wonder whether you'd continuously cheat on your wife if the pregnancy didn't occur.

Edit:
You even mention about other guys cheating, as if to justify what you did.

Eeden

You say that you won't leave your wife and child - but can't you see that your wife very probably won't want to stay with you when she finds out what you've done?

And even if she never does find out, don't you realise that your whole relationship with her is a lie, and is therefore beyond disrespectful to her (your wife) and your child with her?

dee_mc

You're not going to talk your way out of this one.
We don't know this woman, and nor do you, so how would we know what words you should use to cajole her into aborting your baby, which she wants to keep? At the end of the day if she wants to keep it, there's likely nothing you can say or do that will change her position anyway.
You're talking about how irresponsible it would be to keep the baby - maybe you should be taking responsibility for your own role in proceedings so far, facing facts and planning to tell your wife what's going on as soon as you have positive confirmation of the pregnancy? I know if I were in your wife's position I would prefer to know sooner rather than later.
I find the whole pregnancy scenario a bit suss so in my opinion your first priority should be to determine whether or not she is in fact pregnant, then go from there.

introuble2016

Of course I see that Eeden, I want to stay with her and my child thats why im looking for advice here on how to save this situation.

Augme

If you think the wife will end it if you do tell her then don't tell. There is nothing to be gained from telling her and you risk losing everything if you do tell her. As for the other one, you can't force her to have an abortion. It's possible you could just let her raise the kid as her and her husbands and cut contact with her and then leave it at that. Obviously you have to decide if your happy to leave someone else raise your kid.

introuble2016

Thanks Dee, it is suspect but I dont think she is lying altough she could be but the pic of the pregnancy test looked real.

I take full responsibility for the mess im in, its killing me to realise the hurt I will cause those around me through my stupidity.

Im not trying to cajole her, just trying to show her how crazy it would be to have a baby with someone you dont know and only had sex with once and are both married.

dee_mc

introuble2016 wrote:

I take full responsibility for the mess im in, its killing me to realise the hurt I will cause those around me through my stupidity.

introuble2016 wrote:

Im not trying to cajole her, just trying to show her how crazy it would be to have a baby with someone you dont know and only had sex with once and are both married.

But sure from her own point of view, she might think it's crazy to be pregnant with a wanted baby and to get rid of that baby!
And from her point of view, ye are not both married, seeing as she claims to be separated from her husband - so what has she to lose?
She's not going to come round to the idea of abortion, you're flogging a dead horse there.
Re the pregnancy test, it's ridiculously easy to find pictures of positive tests online. There's even the facility to buy positive tests online. I wouldn't take that one picture that she sent as confirmation of pregnancy, I would want actual proof, for example a scan photo, doctor's letter etc.

Eeden

introuble2016 wrote: »

Of course I see that Eeden, I want to stay with her and my child thats why im looking for advice here on how to save this situation.

Well, if you don't want to go on deceiving your wife, then you need to tell her what's happened, tell her that you want to stay with her, tell her that you will do anything she wants to save your marriage, and then basically leave the decision up to her, as to whether she wants to stay with you or not.

Otherwise, you are living a continuous lie.

Unfortunately for you, the decision about your relationship with your wife will (and must) rest with her. She might decide to stay with you, but then again after thinking about it for a while, she might decide that she can't anymore.

I'm not trying to be mean or judgmental, and obviously you have (I think) reassessed your priorities, but it's a bit out of your hands now.

Best of luck, I hope everything works out.

_Whimsical_

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thnaks for the reply stickybookmark, I have said I cant support her if she goes through with it as it would destroy my chance of happiness to raise my child. She said she wont expose me but that will only last so long.

Do you realise while you're desperate to raise your child you're completely letting go of another child here? Have you thought about how you feel about your child, a sibling of your present child, being raised in another home where they might not care for it the way you would? What if her husband finds out and grudgingly raises your child with little love and they grow up always feeling second best and not knowing why?
I think I'd raise all those issues with her and see if she'd be comfortable with the possibility that you might claim an interest in the child in the future...which you might!

There's a lot to think of here, not just your own immediate security and maintenance of your own status quo.

I think you should tell your wife, particularly if there's going to be a child involved. You can't leave it to fortune whether this turns up on your doorstep 5 or 10 years in the future. If you keep it to yourself you won't go on the same guy you were before this happened. Secrets change people and eat away at the relationship without you even realising.

MagicMarker

introuble2016 wrote: »

As shes only 2 weeks gone there's still a chance of miscarriage so don't think I should say anything yet.

Lovely.