WORST NIGHTMARE - PLEASE HELP

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thanks Boney, dont think shes too worried about what her husband thinks. She was supposed to be on contraception, STI check tomorrow.

But not one for your wife? Who presumably you are currently sleeping with and more than likely without condom usage too. Pointless and a waste of money in that case, you could have already passed on anything and get it passed back unwittingly from your wife to you after you get treated.

People generally get STI checks when they know they might have been exposed to risk. Why would it even occur to a married woman with a faithful husband to get an STI screening?

So if it transpires that the other woman loses this baby, and your immediate problem goes away, it can still come back around to bite you on the ass. You are still thinking of you here - you need to think about why you played russian roulette with your wife's sexual health, a woman who you claim to love yet ride a randomer from a website unprotected, and risk bringing anything home to her.

Also, in case you are thinking of keeping the STI check from her too - if you are planning to add to your family with your wife, or currently trying, there are STI's that can cause serious harm to health fertility and can be harmful, even fatal to an unborn baby.

I was on a parenting forum a few months ago and there was a woman utterly heartbroken because her baby was stillborn. Then her husband confessed to her that he'd cheated with prostitutes. Can you imagine how she felt, having to tell medical staff to check for STI related causes of death in her infant? The only reason I'm telling you this is not to scaremonger, but hopefully to shake you up into realising that you CANT keep a lid on this - what you did has caused ripples, and you really need to stop thinking of only yourself here and start thinking of doing what is the right thing to do.

introuble2016 wrote: »

Surely there must be something I could say to her that would make her see how crazy, reckless and irresponsible it is to bring this child into the world given our situations?

Its only crazy, reckless and irresponsible for YOU. She's grand about it - she's got a much wanted sibling on the way for her child, and no relationship to destroy. She has nothing to lose, and everything to gain here. Unlike you.

The very fact that you've not said this was the first time you ever cheated speaks volumes, something was bound to happen if you do this on a fairly regular basis.

OP ignore the pregnancy for a second. You cheated on your wife and don't seem to see anything wrong with it other then the chance you might be caught. Even if there is no baby or it turns out not to be yours you should come clean to your wife about cheating on her as clearly there are issues with your marriage that needs to be addressed. You didn't have a drunk one night stand with a co-worker or something, you went online and found someone to cheat with, honestly how can you expect you marriage to last much longer with those actions?

You keep saying how wrong it is to bring a child into the world in this situation….your not a drug addict OP, you may or may not be a separated father with two kids with two different mothers but it's hardly the most unusual set up in the world. Your whole focus seems to be about being able to raise your child, you've not talked really about your wife as a person. O you've claimed you love her but only in context of her with the child. It does sound like this possible pregnancy has just pushed forward the inevitable end of your marriage.

And stop pushing the abortion angle on this woman. She can't get an abortion in Ireland legally. She can't just take a pill and have a miscarriage, its not a miscarriage, it's an abortion and those pills are illegal here. There is not instant fix to this situation. Even if she agreed to the abortion she'd have to travel to the UK at great expense and very hard to explain to husband and kids why she's off to the UK. And even if she got an abortion under emotional bullying from you, your wife can still find out about the affair.

introuble2016 wrote: »

It would kill me to not be able to raise my child, I know I should have thought of that before.

I can see where you're coming from - but (assuming you did get her pregnant) this other kid would be yours too. You don't seem to be all that concerned about not raising that one.
Harsh but true. What you're trying to do here is protect yourself from the consequences of your actions - that's it, there is nothing noble about it.
You may "get lucky" and she'll miscarry or she may agree and have an abortion, but it's all out of your hands and if that kid dies come into the world it's yours - you shouldn't deny it for the sake of an easy life or because you prefer your other child - that's disgusting behaviour.


Truth be told - there go a lot of us, but for the grace of god (I'm an atheist btw, it's just an expression!) I've taken plenty of chances over the years and i've just been lucky. But what I would never do is blank a child that I created due to cowardice or greed. You need to man up, end of story.

The one thing I can say as a woman who has had unwanted pregnancy scares and intentionally tried for a baby is that no woman caught by surprise is whipping out a digital test on the day her period is due. Especially not a married woman with kids. We're not idiots, we know stress, poor diet or even the bloody alignment of stars can make us late, early or even skip a period entirely. The symptoms of an early pregnancy are mostly identical to that of an impending period, so the only logical reason for her taking a test is that she was counting down the days from ovulation to period and knew when she could test positive.
That is assuming, of course, that she didn't simply swipe the image off Google.
Believing that she hasn't slept with her husband is utterly ridiculous and naive of you, especially since you are a pretty adept liar yourself.

If you are utterly sure she has no contact info for you, I would suggest you delete Kik, your online account and go back to being faithful to your wife. I highly doubt she is really pregnant, and if she is there is probably a minimal chance it is yours. But you still need to tell your wife you cheated and have her tested for STIs if you care about her at all.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I think you should tell your wife, particularly if there's going to be a child involved. You can't leave it to fortune whether this turns up on your doorstep 5 or 10 years in the future. If you keep it to yourself you won't go on the same guy you were before this happened. Secrets change people and eat away at the relationship without you even realising.

Lots of people can cheat without it changing their behaviour or eating away at the relationship. If he waits to tell her at least he will get an extra 5-10 years of bringing up his current child in his home rather than probably only seeing it at weekends.

I know this sound horrible and cynical, but:

OP beware of a possible scam - if she starts asking for X amount of money to travel for an abortion.

Sounds crazy? It happened to a friend of mine in Japan - woman would meet married guys, sleep with them, invent a pregnancy, look for money for abortions (small enough that they were happy to pay just to be rid of the whole situation).



If the situation is true, then as others have said, it's her decision as to what she will do - and you'll have to live with it.

If she hasn't slept with her husband for months, he will obviously know - so how does she plan to deal with this. Was this designed to end her marriage? Not a very good way from a separation/divorce point of view I would have thought but I don't know much about that.

mhge wrote: »

This is not necessarily true. For some women the feeling is quite distinct, and she went through it twice before so would know her signs. Two women in my family are like that, one of them had an unplanned pregnancy and the other was trying to conceive for a long time, and when it happened they both got this feeling pretty much immediately. And then other women can take it all the way to giving birth without realising.
I wouldn't base any decisions on this aspect alone.

Given that, scientifically, signs do not present themselves until after the egg has implanted and HCG levels have risen to a level high enough to cause symptoms, it is highly unlikely that this woman just happened to "feel" pregnant before she had even missed a period. A rational woman would wait until she was late, at least. And I am not basing it on that alone, she also felt the need to inform her sexual partner via KIK that she was expecting, by sending an image. News like that would be what a normal woman would serve up in person. And certainly not with an easily obtained picture to "confirm" it. She could have sent the same image to any amount of men on the same medium. She is also happy to raise this baby in a house with her husband, who she is apparently split from but still living with and she definitely has not had sex with because she said so? :rolleyes:

On a side note, I've been pregnant twice. All my pregnancy signs for the second one were still written off as an impending period until I tested positive, and I was actively trying to conceive. It's the same situation as getting feelings about the gender. There is a 50% chance you are right. Either a woman is pregnant, or she is not.

introuble2016 wrote: »

I think its crazy to bring a child into the world in this situation .

introuble2016 wrote: »

Im not trying to cajole her, just trying to show her how crazy it would be to have a baby with someone you dont know and only had sex with once and are both married.

introuble2016 wrote: »

Surely there must be something I could say to her that would make her see how crazy, reckless and irresponsible it is to bring this child into the world given our situations?

You can keep phrasing this question as many ways as you like and there still will be no magic combination of words that will convince this woman to have an abortion if she doesn't want to. Resign yourself to that now. She may change her mind of her own accord, but if she wants this child, she will have it.

And yes, with her marriage already estranged and her bringing up your child single-handedly, she will very likely and and be absolutely entitled to come looking for support from you.

What you need to be looking for right now are the words to tell your wife. Honesty, real absolute soul-searching honesty might save your marriage. I get the feeling there hasn't been much honesty in your marriage for quite a long time though...

mhge wrote: »

She didn't need to be sure, she just needed to feel something to be off enough to check. And you can buy, do and post a test all within an hour if you want.

Seeing how she has no interest in OP's paying for abortion, why would she trick him by faking this pregnancy or lying that he is the father? If the baby materialises and she wants maintenance later he could always do a test to disprove paternity.

It seems that she's pretty much a single woman married in name only and is willing to accept this pregnancy as her ooops baby. Perhaps she's from a background where paternity is a vague concept and you just raise those babies as they come, it's not unheard of. It's the OP who might be "ruined" by it and is deeply affected.

For all you know she could be a single loony with no kids that gets a kick out of scaring men into thinking she's pregnant. Maybe she is expecting a baby with her husband who could be totally oblivious and very excited about becoming a dad again.

In any case, a photo of a test over a messaging service is not even close to enough proof.

I would be in absolutely no way inclined to believe a single word she says over a messaging service with regards to her kids, husband, home life or medical state. If she isn't willing to prove it in person, then what's the point? If she plans on raising the baby at home and not exposing the OP, why bother telling him at all?

mhge wrote: »

Maybe she is, of course, and he'll have ample opportunity to DNA test the heck out of this scenario.
But if she's genuine it would not be impossible for her to figure it out that early is what I'm saying.

Not questioning that it would be impossible. As I said, a woman caught by surprise wouldn't just buy a test before she was late. A woman planning to get pregnant would. I confirmed my first pregnancy with a digital when I was 2 days late. And I was actively trying. And when I say active, I mean active. I pinpointed ovulation and we had sex twice a day every day for 10 days surrounding ovulation. And I still waited until I was late before wasting money on a pregnancy test.

mhge wrote: »

But not everyone is like you. She wouldn't need to buy anything in advance. Her day approaches, she feels weird-familiar, she pops over to her pharmacy to check, that's all.

I'm not suggesting they are. But compared to everything else she is also playing at and saying, it's way too suspicious.