WORST NIGHTMARE - PLEASE HELP

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:16AM

Thanks Boney, dont think shes too worried about what her husband thinks. She was supposed to be on contraception, STI check tomorrow.

17-06-2015 12:21AM

You should worry about what the husband finds out though. I'm sorry to put these thoughts in your head, but I'm just going to give you the Worst Case Scenario -

How did you two communicate? If it were over phone, then chances are that your number is somewhere. If I were him and found out that someone else is having my wife's baby, I'd go through her stuff (with justified reasons) to try and find out who it is. If I saw a number of someone I didn't recognize, I'd call them.

Now, like I said, this is the worst case scenario, but I do think it's worth thinking of.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:23AM

Thanks Boney, we met on an online site, communicate through Kik, she doesnt have my number

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:25AM

I know I cant convince her to have an abortion but does anyone know what I can say to her so that she sees how wrong it would be to bring this child into the world, considering our situations, the hurt etc it would cause

17-06-2015 12:33AM

Why did you cheat on your wife? You mention her marriage is over, but you didn't mention anything of yours. The fact you went out and arranged everything online makes me think it was a relatively long process and not some drunken fling. You also mention that you won't be able to see your child - are you staying in your marriage because of them?

Honestly, I don't know if there's anything you can tell her, bar what you've told her already. If she wants to keep it, she'll keep it. It's her decision ultimately. You can explain it to her, but nobody here can give you the words.

Raminahobbin · 17-06-2015 12:34AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

I know I cant convince her to have an abortion but does anyone know what I can say to her so that she sees how wrong it would be to bring this child into the world, considering our situations, the hurt etc it would cause

Afraid not, there's no magic fix here.

You are just deperately trying to undo what you did and make it go away- it won't. If she doesn't want an abortion, you can't push it. And you can't make her the bad person for not wanting an abortion, she has a right to decide what to do with her body.

The damage is done, there's no magic fix OP.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:41AM

Thanks Ramina, I know there is no magic fix but surely I could show her that this is the worst way to bring a child into the world?

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:43AM

Thanks Boney, I was stupid and realize it. I love my wife and kid and am trying to salvage this situation.

17-06-2015 12:48AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thanks Boney, I was stupid and realize it. I love my wife and kid and am trying to salvage this situation.

Here's the thing though - I don't think you do love them. I'm sorry to say that, but if you actually did, would you have knowingly gone out to find someone to sleep with? That's the crux of this; you used a website, which means time and effort went into creating a profile, messaging people, finding someone, messaging them, organizing a meet-up, all before you did the deed. And now you're only freaking out because the woman is now supposedly pregnant. With your baby.

What you need to do, instead of trying to convince her not to have the baby, because, to be completely honest, there's nothing you can really do about that, is take a long hard look at your own relationship and why you did it. Because that's a lot of work to cheat on someone you supposedly love ...

Go see a counsellor. Get yourself sorted instead of being fixated on this woman.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 12:55AM

I appreciate what your saying Boney but lots of men cheat and still love their wives and want to raise their children.

Surely there must be something I could say to her that would make her see how crazy, reckless and irresponsible it is to bring this child into the world given our situations?

17-06-2015 12:58AM

You can phrase the question however you want here - there is nothing you can say to them. I'm sorry.

You're also still not taking any responsibility. You're only feeling guilty there's a child involved now. You're not taking any responsibility or regret for the deed itself. It makes me wonder whether you'd continuously cheat on your wife if the pregnancy didn't occur.

Edit:
You even mention about other guys cheating, as if to justify what you did.

Eeden · 17-06-2015 01:03AM

You say that you won't leave your wife and child - but can't you see that your wife very probably won't want to stay with you when she finds out what you've done?

And even if she never does find out, don't you realise that your whole relationship with her is a lie, and is therefore beyond disrespectful to her (your wife) and your child with her?

dee_mc · 17-06-2015 01:07AM

You're not going to talk your way out of this one.
We don't know this woman, and nor do you, so how would we know what words you should use to cajole her into aborting your baby, which she wants to keep? At the end of the day if she wants to keep it, there's likely nothing you can say or do that will change her position anyway.
You're talking about how irresponsible it would be to keep the baby - maybe you should be taking responsibility for your own role in proceedings so far, facing facts and planning to tell your wife what's going on as soon as you have positive confirmation of the pregnancy? I know if I were in your wife's position I would prefer to know sooner rather than later.
I find the whole pregnancy scenario a bit suss so in my opinion your first priority should be to determine whether or not she is in fact pregnant, then go from there.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 01:07AM

Of course I see that Eeden, I want to stay with her and my child thats why im looking for advice here on how to save this situation.

Augme · 17-06-2015 01:08AM

If you think the wife will end it if you do tell her then don't tell. There is nothing to be gained from telling her and you risk losing everything if you do tell her. As for the other one, you can't force her to have an abortion. It's possible you could just let her raise the kid as her and her husbands and cut contact with her and then leave it at that. Obviously you have to decide if your happy to leave someone else raise your kid.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 01:10AM

Thanks Dee, it is suspect but I dont think she is lying altough she could be but the pic of the pregnancy test looked real.

I take full responsibility for the mess im in, its killing me to realise the hurt I will cause those around me through my stupidity.

Im not trying to cajole her, just trying to show her how crazy it would be to have a baby with someone you dont know and only had sex with once and are both married.

dee_mc · 17-06-2015 01:21AM

introuble2016 wrote:

I take full responsibility for the mess im in, its killing me to realise the hurt I will cause those around me through my stupidity.

introuble2016 wrote:

Im not trying to cajole her, just trying to show her how crazy it would be to have a baby with someone you dont know and only had sex with once and are both married.

But sure from her own point of view, she might think it's crazy to be pregnant with a wanted baby and to get rid of that baby!
And from her point of view, ye are not both married, seeing as she claims to be separated from her husband - so what has she to lose?
She's not going to come round to the idea of abortion, you're flogging a dead horse there.
Re the pregnancy test, it's ridiculously easy to find pictures of positive tests online. There's even the facility to buy positive tests online. I wouldn't take that one picture that she sent as confirmation of pregnancy, I would want actual proof, for example a scan photo, doctor's letter etc.

Eeden · 17-06-2015 01:22AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

Of course I see that Eeden, I want to stay with her and my child thats why im looking for advice here on how to save this situation.

Well, if you don't want to go on deceiving your wife, then you need to tell her what's happened, tell her that you want to stay with her, tell her that you will do anything she wants to save your marriage, and then basically leave the decision up to her, as to whether she wants to stay with you or not.

Otherwise, you are living a continuous lie.

Unfortunately for you, the decision about your relationship with your wife will (and must) rest with her. She might decide to stay with you, but then again after thinking about it for a while, she might decide that she can't anymore.

I'm not trying to be mean or judgmental, and obviously you have (I think) reassessed your priorities, but it's a bit out of your hands now.

Best of luck, I hope everything works out.

_Whimsical_ · 17-06-2015 01:26AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thnaks for the reply stickybookmark, I have said I cant support her if she goes through with it as it would destroy my chance of happiness to raise my child. She said she wont expose me but that will only last so long.

Do you realise while you're desperate to raise your child you're completely letting go of another child here? Have you thought about how you feel about your child, a sibling of your present child, being raised in another home where they might not care for it the way you would? What if her husband finds out and grudgingly raises your child with little love and they grow up always feeling second best and not knowing why?
I think I'd raise all those issues with her and see if she'd be comfortable with the possibility that you might claim an interest in the child in the future...which you might!

There's a lot to think of here, not just your own immediate security and maintenance of your own status quo.

I think you should tell your wife, particularly if there's going to be a child involved. You can't leave it to fortune whether this turns up on your doorstep 5 or 10 years in the future. If you keep it to yourself you won't go on the same guy you were before this happened. Secrets change people and eat away at the relationship without you even realising.

MagicMarker · 17-06-2015 01:32AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

As shes only 2 weeks gone there's still a chance of miscarriage so don't think I should say anything yet.

Lovely.

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 01:35AM

Thanks Whimsical, thats a good point about the husband begrudgingly brinning up the child. I dont want my children to be raised by anyone else but what choice do I have now if she decides to go ahead with it.

I have told her I cant support her decision if she goes ahead with having the baby as it would tear my family apart and I think its crazy to bring a child into the world in our situation.

If she does have the child I think I would have to wait till I could get a dna test to prove parenthood and then I would have to tell my wife.

R.D. aka MR.D · 17-06-2015 01:44AM

You keep saying 'it's crazy to bring a child into the world in this situation.'

Why? Because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions?

Children are born without fathers every day so that can be the only reason you have for it being 'crazy'.

You've proven your ability to be deceitful so why not take the option of cutting all contact and ignoring her. What difference will it make?

You certainly can't force her to have an abortion if she doesn't want to and obviously neither of you really cared about the consequences if you managed to get pregnant after only one time. Maybe she even wanted that outcome.

dee_mc · 17-06-2015 01:53AM

I think you would be totally mental to wait for a DNA test before telling your wife. You need to tell her as soon as you know this woman is pregnant. Stop hoping for a miscarriage, stop lobbying for an abortion, man up and face facts.
Look at your situation from an outsider's point of view -
'So I cheated on you and I wouldn't have said anything but as it turns out, unprotected sex leads to pregnancy as well as potential STI's for us to share. Anyway, I couldn't convince her to abort and she didnt miscarry so I had her take a DNA test and unfortunately as it turns out I am the father... let's not allow this to destroy our relationship'.
Start thinking of how you can make this whole mess less painful and traumatic for your wife and kids (yes, plural).

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 01:56AM

Thanks Dee, I will ask for further proof

Thanks RD, I think its crazy to bring a child into the world in this situation because we barely know each other, have only met once and had sex once also we are both married with kids, both kids could be brought up alone because of this, if it was me I would have an abortion in a heartbeat, not to save me from getting caught but to save the others from hurting because of our stupidity.

I dont want to cutoff contact because I need to know how what happans to the child.

_Whimsical_ · 17-06-2015 02:08AM

There are some prenatal paternity tests available that are non invasive. I think they're very expensive but in your case it might be worth it. If you Google it you'll find it. It's a blood test from both mother and father as far as I know and it can be preformed from around 10 weeks into the pregnancy I think. That might give you a clearer idea how to procede.

This is one link https://www.easydna.ie/prenatal-paternity-test/

introuble2016 · 17-06-2015 02:17AM

Thanks Whimsical, whos knows how many others she slept with, if things go further I will get this done.

iusedtoknow · 17-06-2015 02:31AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

I take full responsibility for the mess im in

But you're not in reality - all that can be seen in the thread so far is you trying to figure out a way (hoping against hope that she'll abort or miscarry) and how you can carry on like nothing happened.

Like it or not, you've managed to call into question the security of not one but two children.

You need to take responsibility by first telling your wife not only that you got a woman pregnant, but that you actively sought out to cheat on her.

secondly...you need to figure out a way to support your new child, your present one and what alimony your wife will get.

I would say "congrats" but as someone who is unable to have kids...it would be through gritted teeth

_Whimsical_ · 17-06-2015 02:32AM

introuble2016 wrote: »

Thanks Whimsical, whos knows how many others she slept with, if things go further I will get this done.

Yeah, I think you should do it and perhaps don't tell anyone until you've had it. The way I see it there is a hierarchy of needs here, first this baby if he/she is coming into existence. They deserve a dad, not a farce that might blow up when they're 5 or 10 if it's found out the man raising then isn't their dad, they don't deserve to risk that sort of rejection or pain. Next on the importance scale is the kids that already are, they don't deserve their lives upended unless this baby is yours, then it's necessary you come clean and do the right thing by the baby you've created and acknowledge him or her . After that are spouses who deserve the truth. If there's no baby your wife might accept you made one stupid mistake, it might be something ye could work through, although it would be difficult . It seems wrong that so many people might suffer for a 10 min mistake if that's what it was. It's a very sad situation, I really hope it works out for everyone but especially the children who deserve better.

Taltos · 17-06-2015 06:18AM

Mod Note:

Just a reminder of this earlier guidance.

Merkin wrote: »

Given the nature of the OP, this is likely to be an emotive topic so can we ask folks to keep feedback civil and constructive? Thanks

We've already had to remove some posts that are not up to the standard of this forum and issue one ban. Please folks, if you're just posting to score points or to berate or belittle the OP in any way (including irony) please don't hit the submit button.

Thanks.

Oryx · 17-06-2015 06:30AM

So, if this woman's pregnancy can blow you life apart, it must mean she knows who you are and can find a way to contact your wife. Otherwise you wouldn't be stressing, youd just dissappear where shes concerned. Even if you manage to get her to abort, youre still in trouble, because then you might just have a traumatised and bitter woman to deal with, who might just tell your wife the whole story anyway.

If you two met through a hookup site, you may well be being taken for a mug here, it could be her previous conquest's baby. We dont know if you are a serial cheat, no more than you know whether she is too. That's the danger of casually shagging someone you dont know. And to trust her with contraception? That was ridiculously stupid in this situation.

You may well love your wife, but she has no idea who she is married to. If you escape this situation but dont change, she is going to find out at some point.

WORST NIGHTMARE - PLEASE HELP

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