Passing Away Peacefully.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 27-05-2015 8:53am

I watched both my parents die. With my mom she was in ICU and when it was happening we were all told to get out as they were going to try resuscitate her.
I can't remember what exactly that was like but it was a big panic and I didn't fully understand what was happening because I KNEW my mom wouldn't die on us, so I guess I thought they'd resus her and she would be okay.

After about 15 mins the nurse came into the family room and took us back into ICU through another door - that brought us into the nurses station and she was just saying how sorry she was but I wasn't even listening. All I really remember there was there was a box with ID tags for the morgue on the shelf behind the nurse, and until then I always thought toe tags were a myth.

When we got to see my dad passed away with cancer, it was horrific. People say oh they had a lovely peaceful death and I honestly have quite a hard time believing that. With my dad he fought until the very end. He fought for 5 days, was absolutely delirious, and was so distressed. His niece is a nurse and she kept saying how weak his pulse was and how he was ready to go but he held on, and fought for the very last breath that he took.

It was horrible. The nurse stayed with me because I was alone and she was saying prayers as he died. Then the mattress was one of those air ones and after she told me he was dead I wouldn't believe it because the mattress was still on, my dad still looked like he was breathing.

When I die, I want it to be really quick. I don't want to be sick and I want it to be instant. A smack of an artic truck crossing the road or something. Not withering away and being frightened in a hospital bed

mariaalice · 27-05-2015 9:21am

For a lot of people it must be peaceful my husband knows of two people who woke up to find their spouse dead in the bed beside them so they died so peacefully that they didn't even disturb their sleeping partner. I have an uncle who just sat down by the fire and died in the space of a few minutes and my cousin who came back in from the kitchen though he had falling asleep.

Emsloe · 27-05-2015 11:23am

My Dad died in my arms in hospital earlier this year and it was I suppose as peaceful as it could be. He had been sick on and off, and after a spell in ICU seemed to be recovering. We had been told he'd never be the same again but no-one could say how sick/frail he might be, and in private I'd say to friends there's a lot to be said for going quickly instead.

As it happened he died unpexectedly, he was full of beans the day before and then the next it was time for 'the talk' with his medical team. They said days, it was actually minutes. He just slipped away gradually, his breaths became more and more spaced apart (to the point where my Mum would think he had gone and then all of a sudden he'd draw another breath). I was at the top of the bed so was the first to notice when his chest stopped moving and he'd gone. I think he could hear us until near the end and we were regaling him with tales of all the outrageous stuff we had got up to as kids because he still told people those stories to embarrass us a little bit.

In the end it was peaceful enough.

blackcard · 27-05-2015 7:38pm

I was never any good at saying 'i love you' to my mom, I would write it on a Mothers Day card. I got such a shock on seeing her in hospital after she got a stroke that I blurted out 'i love you, I love you'. Mom was stable for a number of weeks after.The last night as I was leaving, I turned back and said I loved her. That was the last time I saw her conscious. We got a call from the hospital around midnight saying we might want to come in. My brother and I were with my mom for the last couple of hours as her breathing slowed.
I thanked my mom for everything, said sorry for everything and said I loved her. Towards the end, my brother said goodbye mom and she slipped away. There is no good way to go but I was grateful I got a chance to talk and it is a bond I will share with my brother forever

whats newxt · 27-05-2015 7:43pm

Gael23 · 27-05-2015 10:52pm

I can tell you theres nothing that comes close to the shock of a sudden death for those left behind. Best way for the person absolutely. Some years ago a relative of mine had spent the day going about his business and was intending to entertain family that night. Later in the evening he said to his daughter he didn't feel well and he died with the next breath, Age 54.
Equally I know of people that have lain in nursing home beds waiting to die for a long period of time so when it comes it isn't such a shock but you know the person has suffered illness.

lulu1 · 27-05-2015 11:17pm

I have to say I am quite a strong person having been through a lot over the years but I dont think I could watch a loved one die. I really dont

Fleawuss · 27-05-2015 11:32pm

I've seen both parents die. My fathers was difficult but at least we had agreed there would be no resuscitation so when it was over it was over. My mother slipped away, aided by morphine. I hope when my time comes it's sudden or I have the choice about it. Bas gan sagart le do thoil.

Filmer Paradise · 27-05-2015 11:43pm

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Sorry for your loss.

Been there myself a couple of years back.

Just thought to expand add my own experiance to this.

My Mam had a massive Stroke a couple of years ago.

We were told early on that this was the end of the line for her.

She was 16 days in the Hospital before she died.

Obviously, myself & my siblings couldn't spend all that time there, what with work, our own kids & such. So we took it in turns.

As it turned out, she died at the time I was there.............

I'm sure the Morphene eased her out.

Still, to see the life pass out of an iconic figure in your life like this is what I would call a Spiritual experiance.

I'm not Religious myself, but I felt like Mam's spirit went 'somewhere else' at the time.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 27-05-2015 11:56pm

I don't know, I think it's the worst feeling in the world knowing someone you loved is gone and holding their hand for the last time, while they're still warm, and feeling the warmth drain away and their blood run cold. Their life just gone like that. Every single special moment ever had just ended.

silverfeather · 27-05-2015 11:58pm

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know, I think it's the worst feeling in the world knowing someone you loved is gone and holding their hand for the last time, while they're still warm, and feeling the warmth drain away and their blood run cold. Their life just gone like that. Every single special moment ever had just ended.

That really hit me when I read that.

Filmer Paradise · 28-05-2015 12:05am

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know, I think it's the worst feeling in the world knowing someone you loved is gone and holding their hand for the last time, while they're still warm, and feeling the warmth drain away and their blood run cold. Their life just gone like that. Every single special moment ever had just ended.

Brings it all back, but in a good way.

silverfeather · 28-05-2015 12:13am

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I watched both my parents die. With my mom she was in ICU and when it was happening we were all told to get out as they were going to try resuscitate her.
I can't remember what exactly that was like but it was a big panic and I didn't fully understand what was happening because I KNEW my mom wouldn't die on us, so I guess I thought they'd resus her and she would be okay.

After about 15 mins the nurse came into the family room and took us back into ICU through another door - that brought us into the nurses station and she was just saying how sorry she was but I wasn't even listening. All I really remember there was there was a box with ID tags for the morgue on the shelf behind the nurse, and until then I always thought toe tags were a myth.

When we got to see my dad passed away with cancer, it was horrific. People say oh they had a lovely peaceful death and I honestly have quite a hard time believing that. With my dad he fought until the very end. He fought for 5 days, was absolutely delirious, and was so distressed. His niece is a nurse and she kept saying how weak his pulse was and how he was ready to go but he held on, and fought for the very last breath that he took.

It was horrible. The nurse stayed with me because I was alone and she was saying prayers as he died. Then the mattress was one of those air ones and after she told me he was dead I wouldn't believe it because the mattress was still on, my dad still looked like he was breathing.

When I die, I want it to be really quick. I don't want to be sick and I want it to be instant. A smack of an artic truck crossing the road or something. Not withering away and being frightened in a hospital bed

All I want to do right now is hug you. Lexie you have put into faithful account two painful memories without shirking I have the utmost respect.

I don't want to be sick either.
All I want to do is hug you.xx
I am so lucky

PringleDemon · 28-05-2015 12:21am

A good friend of mine died right in front of my eyes . No drama , big noises or last requests .

Sitting in the local bar on a Sunday afternoon watching football he turns to me and said " You know what ? I feel like ****. " His head slumped to the side and that was that. Heart attack . 35 years old and assumed to be in good health. Looked like a peaceful death to me.

28-05-2015 12:30am

If a person lives to be 80, they will have been alive for about 700,000 hours. If their lifetime was expressed in units of length and it took them 1 hour to die, they will spend the last 1 cm of their 7 km timeline dying. Those who take 4 days to die, spend about the last 1 metre of their 7 km timeline dying. In the grand scheme, it is only a small fraction of a persons life. Apologies if talking like this seems insensitive but thoughts like these are among the many I have come up with in the last few years to quell my terror of and obsession with dying (never really had a great fear of being dead itself).

PTH2009 · 28-05-2015 12:52am

Had a fair few deaths over the last 2 years

My mam was very sick and was in ICU for about 2 weeks knocked out hooked up to a load of machines. For days me and the family were out in the hospital. We got a phone call one night saying she was bad so me my dad, sisters, brother in law, grandparents, aunt, cousins were all out in the hospital waiting in a side room when we got a call from a nurse saying she was about to go so we all went into the ICU Ward and all I can remember was the loud noise coming from a machine and she died peacefully a short time later . I'll always remember that night

Last Jan my nanny was in hospital dying of cancer and I was in work when she passed away but heard she looked at my grandfather and passed away

My uncle died of cancer last Jan too I again was on work when it happend

My other nanny was 94 when she passed last March at home in her sleep she was in hospital for a few weeks but was allowed home. I'd say she didn't want to go in the hospital.

It's a terrible thing to witness anyone dying

Duiske · 28-05-2015 3:24am

My Dad had been ill for months, constant pain and very agitated. On the day he passed away he seemed very peaceful. Woke up for a few minutes that evening, had a look around and seemed to recognise us. Almost as soon as he went back to sleep his breathing seemed to change and just got shallower and shallower, until he passed away a couple of hours later. We all knew it was coming, but like most Fathers he meant the world to us all and I was worried about how everyone would react when the time came. Looking around at everyone, even though there was obviously upset, I could almost see the sense of relief that the end was so peaceful and painfree for him. Still miss the man terribly, but if I could have chosen a passing for him it would have been exactly as it happened. Four months ago tomorrow.

Emsloe · 28-05-2015 7:53am

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know, I think it's the worst feeling in the world knowing someone you loved is gone and holding their hand for the last time, while they're still warm, and feeling the warmth drain away and their blood run cold...

I was oddly calm about the ending itself but I couldn't watch them cover him up with a sheet, no flipping way. I also couldn't touch his body when he was cold as I didn't ever want to know what that felt like.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 28-05-2015 9:42am

Emsloe wrote: »

I was oddly calm about the ending itself but I couldn't watch them cover him up with a sheet, no flipping way. I also couldn't touch his body when he was cold as I didn't ever want to know what that felt like.

Aye the coldness was something I was not prepared for although I knew it happened. I had spent months sitting with him, rubbing his head, touching his face, kissing his forehead when he was ill in hospital and the contrast then the final time was not expected

Before they closed the coffin I gave him a kiss goodbye and it was awful. The feeling, the cold. Tears fell on him and just rolled off him and even though I was pretty distraught I noticed that straight away. It was so strange.

Although when we had to choose his clothes for undertaker I gave them a pair of those fluffy bed socks I used to wear to keep his feet warm - ha. I know it didn't do anything, and was pointless but even now I still get a little comfort from knowing that his feet at least are cozy.

Rubberlegs · 28-05-2015 1:56pm

The coldness was also something I was totally unprepared for. I had seen dead bodies before, but had never touched one. That and how quickly the bit of colour left in Dad drained away, and he turned yellow. I think that may have something to do with cancer? There seemed to be an aura of cold around my Dad, you could feel it coming off of him if you held your hand over him. The nicest thing was he looked like himself, just asleep, again. All the pain on his face and dark circles under his eyes had gone. Out of the blue the other day I remembered being asked did I want his false teeth left in, as he lay dying. I said to leave them in he'd be morto at anyone seeing him without his teeth in. I took a fit of laughing then thinking of Dad as a skeleton with a pair of false teeth in his jaws! If you didn't laugh you'd cry some days ...

_Brian · 28-05-2015 2:06pm

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

So many people mentioning morphine. I have a horrible fear since my fathers death that the high doses of morphine might have just rendered him unable to communicate, rather than completely knocked him out. It might be an irrational fear, I dunno, but I had been talking to him for a while with no response, then I asked him a personal favor and he responded at that very second with a large groan/roar - even though before - and after - he was noisily snoring away...hence my doubts as to what the morphine actually does...

When he did go though, it looked like he went peacefully enough - everyone gathered round - just a few last gaspy breaths, like previous posters have mentioned.

I've been on morphine, I could easily imagine that a high dose does more than remove your ability to communicate, at low levels reasoning, pain, understanding, awareness is all diminished quickly.
I'd say its very effective to be used in end of life situations.

Conor Bourke · 28-05-2015 2:16pm

_Brian wrote: »

I've been on morphine, I could easily imagine that a high dose does more than remove your ability to communicate, at low levels reasoning, pain, understanding, awareness is all diminished quickly.
I'd say its very effective to be used in end of life situations.

I think it's vitally important to point out here that every person reacts differently to morphine (and/or alternative opioids)

I know people who were knocked flat out on a total 10mg dose of morphine spread over 24 hours in 2.5mg/6 hourly breaks, while on the other hand last week a man answered his door to me and sat eating a yoghurt and talking to me while being on an equivalent dose of 900mg of morphine in 24 hours.

Buford T. Justice XIX · 28-05-2015 2:26pm

73Cat wrote: »

The coldness was also something I was totally unprepared for. I had seen dead bodies before, but had never touched one. That and how quickly the bit of colour left in Dad drained away, and he turned yellow. I think that may have something to do with cancer? There seemed to be an aura of cold around my Dad, you could feel it coming off of him if you held your hand over him. The nicest thing was he looked like himself, just asleep, again. All the pain on his face and dark circles under his eyes had gone. Out of the blue the other day I remembered being asked did I want his false teeth left in, as he lay dying. I said to leave them in he'd be morto at anyone seeing him without his teeth in. I took a fit of laughing then thinking of Dad as a skeleton with a pair of false teeth in his jaws! If you didn't laugh you'd cry some days ...

You just reminded me of a funny story about our family tomb.

My father passed away 2 weeks ago, peacefully thankfully as it was looking like a very stressful ending, and my uncle was telling a story about our grandfather. He had lost an eye when young after a spark from a forge blinded him and he used wear a glass eye, which came in boxes of 12. Anyway, just before he died he had a new box delivered and only had the first eye in when he passed away. There was much discussion in the family as to either bury him with the eye in or wash it and return it for a refund. Eventually, my grandmother decided to leave the eye in and bury him with the box of eyes in the tomb. We all cracked up when my uncle asked what the reaction of the men clearing out the tomb would be when moving the next coffin and all of a sudden 12 eyes come rolling around the floor of the tomb:D

_Brian wrote: »

I've been on morphine, I could easily imagine that a high dose does more than remove your ability to communicate, at low levels reasoning, pain, understanding, awareness is all diminished quickly.
I'd say its very effective to be used in end of life situations.

My father was put on morphine the night before he died to ease his distress, it was very a welcome intervention by us as he was really suffering before hand.

Cunning Stunt · 28-05-2015 2:51pm

Duiske wrote: »

even though there was obviously upset, I could almost see the sense of relief that the end was so peaceful and painfree for him.

I think this is a natural reaction - it was certainly how we all felt when my father left us. It was very surreal - half of us ending up back out in the kitchen, kettle going on, people talking ''that's it now, he's gone''... and you could feel that everyone seemed to have a weight lifted - not because he was gone from us, but because he was no longer in pain.

Tarzana2 · 28-05-2015 3:48pm

Read this fascinating piece on the right to die recently. It chimes with my own views a lot, I have to say.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/magazine/the-last-day-of-her-life.html

magicmushroom · 28-05-2015 4:51pm

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Read this fascinating piece on the right to die recently. It chimes with my own views a lot, I have to say.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/magazine/the-last-day-of-her-life.html

It's a long read but I've just finished.
Very brave woman, and the exact decision I would make myself after seeing both my Nanny's suffer with Alzheimer's in the last years of their lives and going through slow, unpleasant deaths.

Tarzana2 · 28-05-2015 7:25pm

magicmushroom wrote: »

It's a long read but I've just finished.
Very brave woman, and the exact decision I would make myself after seeing both my Nanny's suffer with Alzheimer's in the last years of their lives and going through slow, unpleasant deaths.

Well, she seemed to be a singular soul. Not sure I agree with all her ideas re: bringing up kids, but cannot fault how she chose to end things.

cnoc · 28-05-2015 7:34pm

My mother died a number of years ago from cancer. I was one of the family around her bed at the time of passing. She had suffered for months and her body had faded a lot. She was on morphine. Literally seconds before she passed, she glanced at me with a kind of smile (we were very close) next thing she was gone. Immediately she passed all her colour returned to her face and she no longer looked drawn - has anyone experienced this kind of thing?

IamtheWalrus · 28-05-2015 10:44pm

Larbre34 wrote: »

My granda nearly died in his sleep but missed, he got out of bed, was half way through a shave when the heart gave out, fell into the bath into slapstick comedy pose.

Brilliant

Tony EH · 29-05-2015 1:47am

The Diabolical Monocle wrote: »

Definitely want a quick exit.

this guy is doing it right.

see also budd dwyer for instructions on how you too can do it right

Strangely enough, I found R. Budd Dwyer's death less shocking than that Indian guy.

Passing Away Peacefully.

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