Your most embarrassing sex story

sligojoek · 17-01-2015 10:15PM

I've just read this from an American site

Well, my now husband and were having pizza one afternoon. After we were done eating, one thing lead to another and I starting giving him a good ol BJ. I was horny, so was he, so I got on top and started riding away, enjoying ourselves. Then I felt a slight burning sensation. I was like, oh whatever, it'll go away. But it didn't, it got worse and worse. I said "Uh, I'm starting to burn" and apparently he was burning too. I climbed off of him, and oh dear lord,the gates of hell opened up on my vagina. The burning intensified to the point where I almost started crying. We run into the restroom, and he tells me to hold on. He ran and got milk. There we were, ass naked in the tub. He's standing and me laying on my back and he's pouring milk on his dick and all over my vagina. The sweet sweet relief !!

That'll teach me to not eat pizza with chilli peppers in it THEN give a blow job.

sligojoek · 17-01-2015 10:15PM

I've just read this from an American site

Well, my now husband and were having pizza one afternoon. After we were done eating, one thing lead to another and I starting giving him a good ol BJ. I was horny, so was he, so I got on top and started riding away, enjoying ourselves. Then I felt a slight burning sensation. I was like, oh whatever, it'll go away. But it didn't, it got worse and worse. I said "Uh, I'm starting to burn" and apparently he was burning too. I climbed off of him, and oh dear lord,the gates of hell opened up on my vagina. The burning intensified to the point where I almost started crying. We run into the restroom, and he tells me to hold on. He ran and got milk. There we were, ass naked in the tub. He's standing and me laying on my back and he's pouring milk on his dick and all over my vagina. The sweet sweet relief !!

That'll teach me to not eat pizza with chilli peppers in it THEN give a blow job.

sammyjo90 · 17-01-2015 10:45PM

Suuure you "read it"

SEPT 23 1989 · 17-01-2015 10:52PM

that tale reminds me of the time I once got chewing gum embedded in a young ones pubic hair(remember that)

sligojoek · 17-01-2015 10:58PM

sammyjo90 wrote: »

Suuure you "read it"

http://jezebel.com/the-most-embarrassing-person-youve-ever-had-sex-with-1680003977

There's a few more there in the comments

sammyjo90 · 17-01-2015 11:07PM

sligojoek wrote: »

http://jezebel.com/the-most-embarrassing-person-youve-ever-had-sex-with-1680003977

There's a few more there in the comments

How do we know that's not you? :P

sligojoek · 18-01-2015 02:35PM

sammyjo90 wrote: »

How do we know that's not you? :P

I don't have a vagina

J Mysterio · 18-01-2015 02:59PM

sligojoek wrote: »

I don't have a vagina

You'd.be much prettier if you diiid. Hur hur

The_Minister · 19-01-2015 12:56AM

ziedth wrote: »

almost 12 years later I still cringe thinking about this one it's slightly graphic:

I started college shall we say on the inexperienced side. Had the one girlfriend on/off since I was 15 and with no internet in the Waterford countryside I was limited to quickies in her car so I didn't know anything outside the basics.

Anyway, young and single I somehow punched well above my weight and pulled a older fairly deadly (but obviously much more experienced) girl on our first class night out stuff done to me on the taxi back to hers that made me weak I thought I was onto a night of my life.

Fast forward a bit and we in her room and she says the words that haunt me to this day "eat my arsehole" panic sets in as I have No idea what the hell she is talking about outside of it involving her bum. I stand there for a good 30 seconds like Sherlock trying to think of all the various things she could mean. In the end she said get a move on and to this day I don't know why but I blame the drink and panic I go over and bite her arse like a horse eating an apple.

She screams and is like what the **** are you doing and is crying from the shock/pain and kicks me out straight away.

Never got near her again to her credit I don't think she told anyone else in the class and she was laughing about it a few days later and said there was a massive bruise/bite mark, we actually became pretty good friends while she was in college till she left.

My eyes moistened, I laughed so much.

Bogwoppit · 14-05-2015 04:15PM

Love this thread!

sligojoek · 14-05-2015 11:07PM

Bogwoppit wrote: »

Love this thread!

And that's your most embarrassing sex story.

wakka12 · 15-05-2015 12:23AM

ringadingding wrote: »

I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
Trouser less.

I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day

I feel sick actually

spud82 · 15-05-2015 12:49AM

I was giving a Billy Joel to this guy I was seeing and all was going well. I was humming a song will giving the Billy Joel ( sex tip for Cosmo) and all was well. All of a sudden I hear him shout something, me thinking it was something wrong stopped and said what. while doing so he came, and a giant piece of come hit him in the eye. :O

Even worse one was when I was feeling amorous after a night out and was giving a boob billy joel to this guy i was seeing and his housemate who I'd never met walked in on us ( we were in the living room) applauded me, and than walked out. I avoided going back there! A few weeks later I was going for an interview and he was interviewing me.

shamrock55 · 15-05-2015 01:00AM

spud82 wrote: »

I was giving a Billy Joel to this guy I was seeing and all was going well. I was humming a song will giving the Billy Joel ( sex tip for Cosmo) and all was well. All of a sudden I hear him shout something, me thinking it was something wrong stopped and said what. while doing so he came, and a giant piece of come hit him in the eye. :O

Even worse one was when I was feeling amorous after a night out and was giving a boob billy joel to this guy i was seeing and his housemate who I'd never met walked in on us ( we were in the living room) applauded me, and than walked out. I avoided going back there! A few weeks later I was going for an interview and he was interviewing me.

Did you get the job:D

spud82 · 15-05-2015 01:01AM

shamrock55 wrote: »

Did you get the job:D

Yup

:D

osarusan · 15-05-2015 01:01AM

She's got a waaaaaay about her, I don't know what it is.....

spud82 · 15-05-2015 01:03AM

osarusan wrote: »

She's got a waaaaaay about her, I don't know what it is.....

I was getting tired of my high class toys, the presents from uptown boys, all I wanted was a back street guy...

Frynge · 15-05-2015 01:23AM

All my embarrassing sex stories were long since forgotten about until tonight when my wife of 15 years fell asleep.

Shanotheslayer · 15-05-2015 01:26AM

Frynge wrote: »

All my embarrassing sex stories were long since forgotten about until tonight when my wife of 15 years fell asleep.

I fell asleep while having sex with GF before. I was fecking smashed in my defense :pac:

Frynge · 15-05-2015 01:32AM

Even though she fell asleep, I feel violated.

McChubbin · 15-05-2015 01:39AM

I got a condom lost inside of me once. Didn't even notice until the next day when it fell out whilst I was on the toilet. Thank Jeebus I was on the Pill at the time. It's funny now but at the time it was horrifying.

kylith · 15-05-2015 08:43AM

McChubbin wrote: »

I got a condom lost inside of me once. Didn't even notice until the next day when it fell out whilst I was on the toilet. Thank Jeebus I was on the Pill at the time. It's funny now but at the time it was horrifying.

Happened me too. I just looked down and said "Where's the condom?" Cue a frantic search of the bed before I had to lie back and try to relax enough for it to be retrieved. First and last time with that bloke.

Mister Vain · 15-05-2015 10:12AM

kylith wrote: »

Happened me too. I just looked down and said "Where's the condom?" Cue a frantic search of the bed before I had to lie back and try to relax enough for it to be retrieved. First and last time with that bloke.

Probably a stupid question but how was it his fault? Or was he just useless in the sack?

clever user name · 15-05-2015 10:27AM

Was about 19 and going out with a girl who was 18 After a couple months we decided to get down and dirty. She was a virgin so it was a big deal for her. Tried to make it special and all that. When we got got down to business it turned out she had a hymen made of corrugated steel. Could not for the life of me get it in. I was fairly embarrassed, she was even more so. Turned out it had happened her before. We broke up couple weeks later so I never did make it to The motherland. Props to whoever did!!

kylith · 15-05-2015 10:30AM

Mister Vain wrote: »

Probably a stupid question but how was it his fault? Or was he just useless in the sack?

Partly mortification, partly that his technique was poor (to put it tactfully), partly the fact that he would have noticed that the condom was missing way before I would have and should have stopped immediately.

PissFlapsDory · 15-05-2015 10:38AM

Hope Amy Huberman reads this thread, just might give her a few ideas for her next Instagram selfie.

Kevwoody · 15-05-2015 07:32PM

spud82 wrote: »

I was giving a Billy Joel to this guy I was seeing and all was going well. I was humming a song will giving the Billy Joel ( sex tip for Cosmo) and all was well. All of a sudden I hear him shout something, me thinking it was something wrong stopped and said what. while doing so he came, and a giant piece of come hit him in the eye. :O

Even worse one was when I was feeling amorous after a night out and was giving a boob billy joel to this guy i was seeing and his housemate who I'd never met walked in on us ( we were in the living room) applauded me, and than walked out. I avoided going back there! A few weeks later I was going for an interview and he was interviewing me.

Seeing as your giving out intimate details about your sex life on the internet, I don't think you need to refer to it as a billy Joel .

MRnotlob606 · 15-05-2015 07:37PM

I'm reading all these in English west country accent. It makes the acts seem more licentious.

dinorebel · 15-05-2015 07:50PM

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

I'm reading all these in English west country accent. It makes the acts seem more licentious.

Tried that but it doesn't really work if theirs no sheep involved.

15-05-2015 08:51PM

I want to believe I'm not the only one who took a moment to figure out what a Billy Joel is.

Your most embarrassing sex story

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