Difficulty remaining faithful

keithclancy · 08-05-2015 12:32AM

No brainer wrote: »

Eh, just don't cheat on her??

I'm sorry I just can't understand how you can't just accept that you won't cheat on her. It's a choice YOU make. You obviously don't have any will power if you think it's going to be that easy to go off with someone else.

If you loved her as much as you say you do then you wouldn't be tempted by others. some people are cheaters and some aren't, maybe you're just one of those people who enjoys it. If that's the case, then your poor girlfriend might not have a life long partner in you.

Replace "cheat" with gamble, drink or any other vice you can think of.

Now look at your advice again and see if it makes sense.

silverfeather · 08-05-2015 01:30AM

Tenmagnet wrote: »

See if she would like the idea Of an open relationship?

The vast vast majority of women would not. I would not. The question itself would have me running for the hills.

Look that's something you seek out someone with a similar idea and view of relationships with for.

If the OP knows it's something the GF might be into then fine.

But open relationships have problems. I have seen others do that. It has issues. It can be messy. Emotions get involved etc STDS pregnancy, Drama.

It would not be for me.

CaraMay · 08-05-2015 07:45AM

You keep using the word 'yet' in the context of cheating, as such effectively talking yourself into it. Can you not change your word to never?

I agree with other poster saying you need to stop the 'chat' with temptations straight up. Are you unable to do that? You say you love her yet you are willing to let her go so you can shag around and gave one night stands? How is that love?

If not, you really sound like you need to access some therapy to deal with your impulse control.

beks101 · 08-05-2015 12:28PM

OP it's interesting to read your description of this issue. The lack of control, out of body experience, surreality of the moment, sense of dread and foreboding of what's to come. It's not a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when" you will cheat. Despite the emotional and intellectual awareness of how self destructive it is and what you have to lose.

You have an addiction. I'm going to get personal for comparative purposes. I had an eating disorder. At my sickest, all of the above would have perfectly described an episode of starvation or binge eating for me. The lack of control. The impulsiveness. The utterly soul destroyingly self destructiveness of hurting my body so badly when all I wanted was my health and my happiness. The shame and self betrayal and banging my head against a brick wall and the obsessive, pervasive thoughts that this was going to happen, any second, any minute, any hour, any day I am left on my own with food.

I couldn't be trusted around food. You can't be trusted around girls you are attracted to. An alcoholic can't be trusted around booze. A compulsive shopper can't be trusted around money.

It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you are a person with an addiction. You have a sex addiction and unfortunately for you it's probably the most taboo one you can have. Because people believe it's not real and means you are greedy, selfish, weak and ruled by your dick. When in reality there are a bunch of complex thought and behavioural processes going on, boundary issues, emotional issues, Pavlovian responses, self esteem and self identity issues.

So what's the solution? Obviously avoiding women altogether is not, just like avoiding food was not for me. It's about getting to the root of this problem and replacing the impulse to cheat with a more productive coping mechanism. Therapy, in other words. Whether it's psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioural therapy, whatever. You have to figure out what is motivating this impulse and give that some air time as it were. Remove the source of it, learn to respond to these motivations differently.

It's a lot of ****ing work. I'm still a work in progress tbh. But after years of digging deep, journalling, building up my self esteem, talking talking talking, developing healthier habits and not putting myself in situations that are dangerous for me - I'm no longer in danger of those out-of-control,trance-like episodes I once had. I don't need to do that anymore.
I know you seem to have already attempted to address this as an addiction already. To remain in this relationship I believe you need to revisit this. Research the hell out of good therapists who specialise in this - this is vital. It's a very complex and misunderstood issue, even among health professionals. Find someone who has a track record in helping people like you. And tell your partner. She needs to know what you're dealing with, not just so she has a heads up on the risks to the relationship, but for your own mental health. This can't be a secret.
Best of luck to you.

*Sorry for rambly incoherence, typing this on a phone.

TheBeardedLady · 08-05-2015 02:19PM

^^^Good post, Beks (as always) although I wouldn't be so quick to diagnose it as an addiction across the internet personally but you could well be right and it certainly has all the hallmarks of one.

I think therapy is definitely the way to go though. The fact is, you love your girlfriend and you want to be with her and I'm assuming because you love her to pieces and you're in a relationship with her and you're trying your damnest to resist temptation, you wouldn't feel emotionally satisfied playing the field for the rest of your life like people have suggested here. An alcoholic or a drug addict is not truly happy when his addiction is in full swing so I'm assuming you'd feel just as miserable, if an addiction is what you have. That might suit some but something draws you to this relationship with this girl and you're fighting to stay in it and you haven't cheated in 2 years, which means you're able - it's not a lost cause.

If you want to be with this girl, you need to get help beyond posting on an internet forum getting subjective advice from people coming at this from all kinds of experiences and perspectives. A proper professional can look at this more objectively and without judgement and hopefully give you tools to help you resist or to alter your thought patterns in some way.

It's obvious you want to be helped or else you wouldn't post here but the fact of the matter is, you'll lose this girl if you don't take serious measures to sort yourself and your "urges" out and you could end up very lonely as a result and hurt someone you love in the process. It's time to get help.

Saralee4 · 08-05-2015 05:00PM

NorDeathMetal wrote: »

saralee4 thank you for posting again. i know you did several times already. i dont want a justification. really i dont. i can see why people would think. im not trying to find a way to justify. its not an option for me. im trying to find a way to prevent. i take all responsibility. i know it is me responsible. i am not trying to put responsibility on anything away from what i do. i do what i do and it is my responsibilty. i know this. thank you.

Your welcome op. I was genuinely trying to help you find a prevention in route cause and acceptance and aknowledgement of dissociation rather than some kind of avoidance gimmick.

homerjay2005 · 11-05-2015 01:22PM

DeltaWhite wrote: »

That is an insult to anyone suffering from depression myself included.

Seriously how can you even compare the two!! It's hilarious!

Depression is not a choice. Cheating is.

im sorry, but this is rubbish - maybe the OP is depressed (or more to the point, has some form of slight internal issue, i dont think its addiction as outline above but it could well be )and his escape is se*ual gratification?

there is more at play here than just cheating and the OP has clearly said already he has given up multiple things to avoid it. instead of lashing people for their thoughts, why not give something constructive advise?

DeltaWhite · 11-05-2015 01:33PM

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im sorry, but this is rubbish - maybe the OP is depressed (or more to the point, has some form of slight internal issue, i dont think its addiction as outline above but it could well be )and his escape is se*ual gratification?

there is more at play here than just cheating and the OP has clearly said already he has given up multiple things to avoid it. instead of lashing people for their thoughts, why not give something constructive advise?

Show me where in OP's posts did he say he was depressed?

I didn't direct that post at the OP, it was at a poster who is now banned. I did not lash out and if you have a problem with what I said, report me.

gsi300024v · 11-05-2015 01:33PM

I'd explore why your doing the cheating more than the act itself.
Like with alcoholics, they don't drink because they like the taste of beer more than the rest of us.
You are using cheating for some reason,
But it could be any number of reasons,
It could be passive aggressive act against your gf gfs or women, you know it'll hurt them,
It could be your way out of a relationship, you cheat get caught it's over and you don't have do the hard thing of sitting down talking and breaking up with someone.
You might be afraid of relationships so when you are getting to serious you use cheating to take a step out of the relationship, this might be you are afraid of a long term relationship, scared of actually getting to a phase in a relationship where you have kids, possibly don't think you deserve one.
Possibly you feel you could never be in a long term healthy relationship so you prove your ideas are correct about yourself by cheating. So you are the ass you think you are.
Possibly you like the attention of someone new, it boosts your ego.
It could be all sorts of things.

LegacyUser · 13-05-2015 10:46PM

Hey OP

Firstly, let me say I completely know how you feel. I am going out with an amazing woman. Genuinely, I don't know anyone who is better.

However, I am constantly day-dreaming about other women, about days with other girls, not even sleeping with them, just knowing them etc. This really tore me up, genuinely. How could I love my partner, really love her, but also want other people?

I've read books about it, talked about it, thought about it and basically, it comes down to biology. We are one of the first generations of men to really be expected to be fully monogamous. 100 years ago it was common for men of all sorts to visit prostitutes. This altered dramatically with women's control over reproduction, and probably for the best. Now most men I know (myself included) have little enough interest in going to prostitutes. In nearly all cultures men have traditionally accrued women as a sign of status. We're basically barely evolved apes. I wish it weren't so. I wish I could be one of those people who could pick and choose what to feel.

I wish I could separate myself from my desires. Judging from the posts here, some people can. I can't. Love isn't finite, and neither is desire. The idea that you'll only love and want one other person isn't realistic.

Now, I've asked all my closest male friends, maybe 15 or so guys, and all of us deal with the same problem, how to reconcile loving our partners (which we do) with wanting other people. I'm afraid there isn't an answer to it except don't cheat. Shame it's that way but honestly, for most of the men I know it's how it is. What would cheating really achieve any of us? Nothing. Nothing compared to real affection between two people who work together to build something real.

By the way, and I mean no disrespect, but women can't really understand how it feels to be a man. I, like most men I suspect, am reasonably different pre-**** and post ****, just goes to show how immediate men's emotions are, I think. Maybe it's the same for women, I obviously couldn't know but it's a very strange thing to realise. Some well meaning people are giving advice without knowing what it's like.

For all those who say it's easy, maybe for you, it isn't easy for me. It has been a torment but life is all about the struggle, hey.

Good luck OP.

gsi300024v · 14-05-2015 08:10AM

It can be the same for women too around the time of the month when they are most fertile. But it seem like ladies look for the best partner who be healthy and stay around after were as we were more spread seed types.

gsi300024v · 14-05-2015 08:14AM

Iwishyouwell wrote: »

Hey OP

Firstly, let me say I completely know how you feel. I am going out with an amazing woman. Genuinely, I don't know anyone who is better.

However, I am constantly day-dreaming about other women, about days with other girls, not even sleeping with them, just knowing them etc. This really tore me up, genuinely. How could I love my partner, really love her, but also want other people?

I've read books about it, talked about it, thought about it and basically, it comes down to biology. We are one of the first generations of men to really be expected to be fully monogamous. 100 years ago it was common for men of all sorts to visit prostitutes. This altered dramatically with women's control over reproduction, and probably for the best. Now most men I know (myself included) have little enough interest in going to prostitutes. In nearly all cultures men have traditionally accrued women as a sign of status. We're basically barely evolved apes. I wish it weren't so. I wish I could be one of those people who could pick and choose what to feel.

I wish I could separate myself from my desires. Judging from the posts here, some people can. I can't. Love isn't finite, and neither is desire. The idea that you'll only love and want one other person isn't realistic.

Now, I've asked all my closest male friends, maybe 15 or so guys, and all of us deal with the same problem, how to reconcile loving our partners (which we do) with wanting other people. I'm afraid there isn't an answer to it except don't cheat. Shame it's that way but honestly, for most of the men I know it's how it is. What would cheating really achieve any of us? Nothing. Nothing compared to real affection between two people who work together to build something real.

By the way, and I mean no disrespect, but women can't really understand how it feels to be a man. I, like most men I suspect, am reasonably different pre-**** and post ****, just goes to show how immediate men's emotions are, I think. Maybe it's the same for women, I obviously couldn't know but it's a very strange thing to realise. Some well meaning people are giving advice without knowing what it's like.

For all those who say it's easy, maybe for you, it isn't easy for me. It has been a torment but life is all about the struggle, hey.

Good luck OP.

Poly is a life style were you can have sex with others, even a relationship with more than one person at a time, would you like that? It would mean your gf would be able to have sex with others too?
Do you look at porn? I think porn influences these tendencies to want many partners too.

nozipcode · 14-05-2015 10:37PM

NorDeathMetal wrote: »

i have done a lot myself. i try to avoid situations that mean i am in a place where women might try something. i stopped drinking ever because it seems to be always the way that when someone did something they were drinking alcohol. i went to sex addiction therapy on advice of a friend. two different doctors. im not a sex addict. my sex life with my love is great. its a lot too. its not about sex. its about sex with other people. its about the moment, the electric when you cant say your own name or where you are and your body just moves of its own and does what it does.

its been two years with lots of almost moments. i think sooner then later it will be an not almost moment.
.

From reading the above you appear to take almost no responsibility for getting into these 'almost moments'. You say when 'women might try something', not you, or when 'someone did something', again not you. But no woman just hops on a man, there are clear leads up to that point, and you are obviously giving those leads, or responding to them, in order to end up in an 'almost moment'. Take some responsibility here, because as I said above, no woman just hops on a man out of the blue. It just doesn't happen. You're obviously a very flirty guy if you end up in these situations so easily. Maybe you should look a little closer at the reasons why you are ending up having so many almost moment.

lemmno · 18-05-2015 06:34PM

OP, you're obviously struggling with this, you wouldn't have posted otherwise.
You're getting a lot of female attention. You're obviously young and attractive and you're attracting the same. Its tempting.
However. Lots of men/women are attractive and dont think this way or act on the situations they find themselves in.
I think if you love this woman and care for her you need to seek help from a counsellor. See how it goes. But if you find its not helping maybe you need to let her go. She'll be hurt but less so than a lifetime of an unfaithful marriage. Maybe even talk to your partner and see what happens there.
But if you can't be faithful you can't be in a relationship. You can't have it both ways.

lemmno · 18-05-2015 08:23PM

I agree with the above. I've witnessed women make a play for men in this way, it does happen. However, if a man did that to me I'd push him away and get the hell out of there.

It's a game for some women, even more so when they see a ring or know there's a girlfriend. I often wonder why women do this to each other.

I'm also aware it can happen the other way around by the way, but imm just stating that with what I've seen/experienced in about 20 years women make it very very easy for men to cheat.

To get back to the point though, it's also very easy to say 'thanks but no thanks'. It's those men who can't say no who need to stay clear of having girlfriends.

beks101 · 18-05-2015 08:48PM

Given all you've said OP, you have two choices:

1. Address this as a problem and try to fix it. i.e therapy and avoiding these social situations that are dangerous for you

2. Embrace it. i.e open relationship or single and fcuking around. If not with your current partner (which sounds unlikely) then break up and find someone who is OK with this.

If it's not an addiction, then ask yourself this: what exactly are you getting out of these moments, these hook ups with other women that you so crave? Besides the obvious getting your rocks off. Why is the attention and the adoration and 'conquering' of all these different attractive women so important for you? Why is the attention and adoration and conquering of one attractive woman who you love more than them all put together not enough?

Ultimately we're all animals. I'm in a happy long-term relationship and my head still turns. I still get stared at, I still get chatted up. Temptation is everywhere. But it's just not worth the sacrifice. I'm not willing to give up the best relationship I've ever had and on a selfish note, I'm not willing to deal with the head fcuk, the guilt, shame, anguish over what I've done, constantly covering my tracks. Not worth it.

Yes you're an animal, you're a red-blooded testosterone fuelled man with a libido and an urge to 'spread his seed' or whatever biological term fits the bill, but you're also a human adult with far advanced emotional, psychological and cognitive abilities than a caveman who needs to hump any and everything for survival. You've got a brain which can deduce what the consequences of following these biological instincts are and you've got the choice as to whether or not you remain faithful. That is a conscious choice.

I don't think anyone can make this any easier for you, it's simply a decision that you have to make and stand by.

Right now I've just finished a manic 14 hour day and more than anything I would love to flake out on the couch with a pizza and a tub of icecream, but I won't, coz I know the consequences. I'll end up staring down a rabbit hole of misery and depression and the relative degree of mental balance I have at this moment will take a long hike into next week. So I won't. Urge versus consideration of the consequences = conscious decision to keep my life a certain way. You might have to do the same for the rest of your life if you choose to stay with this girl - and that's just life. Not bloody easy, but them's the breaks we get. Ultimately it's worth it.

gsi300024v · 20-05-2015 10:32AM

In life people have the tendency to blame negatives behaviours about self on situational factors and positive behaviours on internal personality factors.
I would have a firm belief you could stop this behaviour, but only if you actually wanted to. I would say you get something like an ego boost from this behaviour, or something along these lines, or you use this cheating in a way.
I'd a mate who cheated on every gf he's had. They all found out and left him, which he seemed ok ish with, they didn't really leave him, they left him cause he cheated. One gf left him not because of cheating but because she just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, that's the one gf he still misses, i think he's ok if they leave cause he cheated not if it's they just don't want him. He is always sleeping around, at a recent day time meet up with friends, wives, and kids he talked about all the ladies he has after him tinder, he is the only one of about 8 friends not in a relationship. He talked about women like they were top jump cards. Really confident with women, but I can't help but believe there is a certain amount of insecurity in there. He's doing the cheating thing since his mid teens and now nearly 40. Seemed like he'd get it out of his system but no, plus most his friends are married and have kids, so that is our life and interest now, but he's still thinks we want to know about his conquests.
I think blaming the cheating on, "oh it's just how we are built" it is a cop out, pure and simple.
What do you want in life, are you happy to have relationships for a few years and cheat and them end? But enjoy the chase etc.
I suppose one thing we never ask addict also you might like to think about is, does life without the cheating appeal to you more than life with the cheating. If the answer is no, then keep cheating or work on why life is no good enough without cheating.

Emme · 20-05-2015 11:26AM

OP you may be polyamorous and you might be happy in a relationship without traditional boundaries. Some people are open to that.

gsi300024v · 20-05-2015 11:30AM

Emme wrote: »

OP you may be polyamorous and you might be happy in a relationship without traditional boundaries. Some people are open to that.

While this sounds like an option of OP, would he be happy with his GF sleeping with others too. It's well worth reading up on for sure.

Difficulty remaining faithful

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