Difficulty remaining faithful

LegacyUser

im not sure what im hoping from this thread post. any advice, or someone that is in same situation to share maybe.

ive been with my girlfriend for two and one half years. i love her very very much. i want to spend my life with her. that means so much to me. when i think of her not being in my life it causes me huge sadness. it would break her heart too.

im 33. i had two relationships previous with girls i love that i ended. the first after i cheated on her four times in one month i know that is bad, the second that i ended before i cheated on her but after several almost times because i couldnt be sure it wouldnt happen, i was almost sure it would happen. that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

now im feeling like i have to do the same thing again. and it will be much a lot harder. for the last two years i have been very happy. she is the most amazing person i have ever known. but from the beginning its been a recur struggle to be fateful. there have been a lot of close calls. i never go out to try to meet another woman, it just happens. it happens a lot. women just seem to like me and situations show up. i know that i just dont do anything so problem solved. but i know from experience its not always so simple. at the time, on the minute, sometimes proper thoughts just arent there. body and animal thoughts take over. and then one second just talking innocent with a very beutiful girl is talking innocent a little closer, and then the next time proper thoughts appear you are kissing and then more. and its done. maybe that makes no sense to some people. but thats how it is.

i have done a lot myself. i try to avoid situations that mean i am in a place where women might try something. i stopped drinking ever because it seems to be always the way that when someone did something they were drinking alcohol. i went to sex addiction therapy on advice of a friend. two different doctors. im not a sex addict. my sex life with my love is great. its a lot too. its not about sex. its about sex with other people. its about the moment, the electric when you cant say your own name or where you are and your body just moves of its own and does what it does.

its been two years with lots of almost moments. i think sooner then later it will be an not almost moment.

so what do i do? do i break up with her too? break her heart and mine? any advice please.

LegacyUser

Eh, just don't cheat on her??

I'm sorry I just can't understand how you can't just accept that you won't cheat on her. It's a choice YOU make. You obviously don't have any will power if you think it's going to be that easy to go off with someone else.

If you loved her as much as you say you do then you wouldn't be tempted by others. some people are cheaters and some aren't, maybe you're just one of those people who enjoys it. If that's the case, then your poor girlfriend might not have a life long partner in you.

Mr. Incognito

I think the pitch fork brigade may come for you but i emphatise with you.

Just take it day by day and work on your relationship and avoid putting yourself in dicey situations.

If you get listful just think about it from your gfs situation. Really picture yourself telling her you cheated. Put yourself in her shoes.

That mental exercise should help.

MagicMarker

You need to think of this from a different perspective. Rather than thinking 'it's going to happen soon', why not focus on 'it hasn't happened in over 2 years'? It hasn't happened because you haven't let it, there's no reason why that can't be the case for another 2 years!

pookie82

Honestly, if you're THAT happy with someone but can't possibly say for sure you could stop yourself cheating due to instinct or whatever, you need more therapy. Not necessarily sex addiction therapy, just therapy.

The mark of being a human being, what sets us apart (or should) from animals, is self awareness, self control, and the ability to override instinct with conscious effort. You seem to be missing that (or at least don't trust it to always work). Giving up alcohol was a good step, but if the urge is still so overwhelming you're not sure you can fight it, then I would talk to someone professionally about what's causing it.

If you do break up with your current gf over this, it might be an idea to just forgo serious relationships from now on if you can't trust yourself not to hurt the person you're with. Being cheated on is devastating.

It's good that you're aware of this at least, but you're almost a self fulfilling prophecy if you go out thinking "tonight could be the night it's not an 'almost' moment". Are you overthinking it, by any chance?

DoYouEvenLift

<mod snip>


Break up with her and stop wasting her time.

pookie82

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

<mod snip>

I don't think that's going to help the OP. He's looking for constructive advice and admits he has a problem, which is more than some people do.

ford2600

OP I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 30 as I never could stop looking over the hedge, so to speak.

Stop judging yourself and try to understand yourself.

You have an ancient brain, and very strong biochemistry which wants you to copy your genes. Your genes don't care what the cost is.
For evolution, that is a good thing and didn't cause monkeys much bother other than a lot of fighting!

You also have a newer part to your brain, which suffers greatly when your a slave to our animal instincts.

Start learning about yourself, decide who's in charge. I'd suggest a once a week visit to some type of straight talking counsellor to help. Give it a month or two. You may just have a high sex drive or there could be a deep fear of real intimacy; other a load of other reasons, go find out

Cheaper version is read Charles Bukowski!

Tokyo

DoYouEvenLift - as has already been mentioned, the OP has come here to discuss the issue and seek advice - not an easy task. There were plenty of ways you could have gotten your point across without being as judgemental, or ignoring the rules of this forum. Take a week off to reconsider your posting style.

Vannavolga

No brainer wrote: »

Eh, just don't cheat on her??

I'm sorry I just can't understand how you can't just accept that you won't cheat on her. It's a choice YOU make. You obviously don't have any will power if you think it's going to be that easy to go off with someone else.

If you loved her as much as you say you do then you wouldn't be tempted by others. some people are cheaters and some aren't, maybe you're just one of those people who enjoys it. If that's the case, then your poor girlfriend might not have a life long partner in you.

Just don't cheat you say, that's like telling someone to just don't be depressed.

OP I too was in your situation so I broke up and decided to be single indefinitely. I found that monogamy killed my soul, I was wilting, like Lester in American beauty before his awakening. Don't let anyone tell you that there is something wrong with you, there isn't. you're designed to want to spread your seed far and wide and your body clearly wants you to do that. Fighting that instinct will kill your soul. Either agree to an open relationship or break up.

DeltaWhite

Vannavolga wrote: »

Just don't cheat you say, that's like telling someone to just don't be depressed.

That is an insult to anyone suffering from depression myself included.

Seriously how can you even compare the two!! It's hilarious!

Depression is not a choice. Cheating is.

Sunny Dayz

OP - you haven't cheated on her in the two years you have been together - but there have been "almost moments". Maybe you can look to these moments as to why you DIDN'T cheat and maybe focus more on that? Focus on the fact that you haven't cheated rather on the presumption that you may cheat.

michellie

Ugh I went out with someone who cheated on me years ago, he has since cheated on every single girl he has gone out with. Even cheated on one after he had a baby with her(he got together with baby mama from cheating with her on his previous girlfriend)

I just can't comprehend how someone can continuously do it. I just don't get it. Never will.

DeltaWhite

Vannavolga wrote: »

The desire to cheat is not a choice, its that desire that is causing his anguish.

I am not even going to dignify you with further answers because I think you're just having a laugh. You cannot seriously compare cheating to depression. That is a joke. Cheating IS a choice. Yes the desire is there, but that doesn't mean you are forced to do it.

If you saw a nice coat in a shop, and you had a desire to steal it, would you steal it? I bet your answer is no. Because you have a choice. Nobody holds a gun to your head.

Huntergonzo

Well I'm not going to be popular for posting this but I think you're just fighting your instincts, if women like you and you like sleeping around with them then I see no harm in that at all, once you're using protection of course, in fact a lot of men would love to be in your shoes truth be told.

For example I know a man who's 51 this year, he was married for 8 years to a woman he was absolutely mad about and he said it just wasn't for him. He now lives in his own bacholer pad and pulls genuinely beautiful women back on a regular basis (most in their mid 30s) and he's never been happier, why? Because he's doing what he wants to do, he's not fighting anything internally.

Now I'm certainly not telling you to break up with your girlfriend but just truly ask yourself = what do I want? because you know you can't have it both ways, it's her or other women and you owe her an answer as soon as possible.

Saipanne

NorDeathMetal wrote: »

im not sure what im hoping from this thread post. any advice, or someone that is in same situation to share maybe.

ive been with my girlfriend for two and one half years. i love her very very much. i want to spend my life with her. that means so much to me. when i think of her not being in my life it causes me huge sadness. it would break her heart too.

im 33. i had two relationships previous with girls i love that i ended. the first after i cheated on her four times in one month i know that is bad, the second that i ended before i cheated on her but after several almost times because i couldnt be sure it wouldnt happen, i was almost sure it would happen. that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

now im feeling like i have to do the same thing again. and it will be much a lot harder. for the last two years i have been very happy. she is the most amazing person i have ever known. but from the beginning its been a recur struggle to be fateful. there have been a lot of close calls. i never go out to try to meet another woman, it just happens. it happens a lot. women just seem to like me and situations show up. i know that i just dont do anything so problem solved. but i know from experience its not always so simple. at the time, on the minute, sometimes proper thoughts just arent there. body and animal thoughts take over. and then one second just talking innocent with a very beutiful girl is talking innocent a little closer, and then the next time proper thoughts appear you are kissing and then more. and its done. maybe that makes no sense to some people. but thats how it is.

i have done a lot myself. i try to avoid situations that mean i am in a place where women might try something. i stopped drinking ever because it seems to be always the way that when someone did something they were drinking alcohol. i went to sex addiction therapy on advice of a friend. two different doctors. im not a sex addict. my sex life with my love is great. its a lot too. its not about sex. its about sex with other people. its about the moment, the electric when you cant say your own name or where you are and your body just moves of its own and does what it does.

its been two years with lots of almost moments. i think sooner then later it will be an not almost moment.

so what do i do? do i break up with her too? break her heart and mine? any advice please.

I take it the cheating occurs while on the sauce? If so, maybe try cutting down/out.

manonboard

Hi op.

My sympathies on your predictament. I really feel for you gettingnpulled in both directions.
Manogamy isnt suitable for most people. Constant cheat and controlling behaviour leading to boredom and deciet. Like your own situation.

I think you may be interested in different forms of relationships. A relationship where you can freely sleep/be with whoever you want.
Theres several forms. I myself am polyamorous and prefer to just do as i please and still be in committed relationships. It can be tricky as it requires alot of truthful inner soul searching to eliminate jealousy, dropping controlling behaviour like thinking you should have any right to tell another person what they can or cant do with thier body etc and in return you get all the same.

Perhaps its a style of relationship that may suit you and allow you to be use your sexuality whenever you want with whoever. Your girlfriend may be open to the idea and have similar impulses such as yourself. Even if she doesnt want to... maybe it comes to a choice between your happiness in an honest way and living a life of dishonesty and restrictions.

I recentily started to fancy a woman who works in a near by shop... so im trying to get the stones to go over today and ask her out n then ill spend the evening with my girlfriend n we'll gossip about it

All the best

Saralee4

You have to make a decision op.

If your girlfriend thinks that she is in a faithful relationship then it is not fair to deceive her and go with other women. You either need to be honest about it with her and decide together what to do from there or you need to find a way to ensure that you will not do it behind her back.

I see you getting a lot of sympathy for your self inflicted predicament. While I do understand that you have urges and want to "spread your seed" , what happens if you do actually spread your seed? You know what your biologically been told to do?

A woman might biologically want to have a child. It might be her animal instinct but would people agree that she should trick the guy into that situation because her body told her to do it and it was nature? No I think not. She is expected and rightfully so, to involve the man in this decision as you are to consider you gf.

You are choosing to consider your own feelings over your girlfriends. You say you love her but if you are willing to hurt her to satisfy yourself then you do not love her.

You have to ask yourself what you are really getting from these encounters? (It sounds like an ego issue) yes its exciting to get with new girls. There are a lot of exciting things that we all would love to do but we don't because there are consequences that need to be considered.

redshoes15

Stay faithful or stay single, as a child whose father cheated throughout his marriage to my mother I have no more advice to give.

Saralee4

NorDeathMetal wrote: »

now im feeling like i have to do the same thing again. and it will be much a lot harder. for the last two years i have been very happy. she is the most amazing person i have ever known. but from the beginning its been a recur struggle to be fateful. there have been a lot of close calls. i never go out to try to meet another woman, it just happens. it happens a lot. women just seem to like me and situations show up. i know that i just dont do anything so problem solved. but i know from experience its not always so simple. at the time, on the minute, sometimes proper thoughts just arent there. body and animal thoughts take over. and then one second just talking innocent with a very beutiful girl is talking innocent a little closer, and then the next time proper thoughts appear you are kissing and then more. and its done. maybe that makes no sense to some people. but thats how it is.

i have done a lot myself. i try to avoid situations that mean i am in a place where women might try something. i stopped drinking ever because it seems to be always the way that when someone did something they were drinking alcohol. i went to sex addiction therapy on advice of a friend. two different doctors. im not a sex addict. my sex life with my love is great. its a lot too. its not about sex. its about sex with other people. its about the moment, the electric when you cant say your own name or where you are and your body just moves of its own and does what it does.

its been two years with lots of almost moments. i think sooner then later it will be an not almost moment.
.

Another thing Op i am getting from your post and some of the replies to your post, is that you are this victim of your own urges and all these women can see this and they are there ready to pounce and persistently pursue you until finally you give in but through no real fault of your own. That's the picture that is painted here. As though you are some kind of tragic hero victim of your own beauty and sex appeal. I find that a bit far fetched.

Women are not coming onto you left, right and centre for no reason. You are giving them reason to whether that is responding to a seductive look, making a dirty joke or innuendo, a touch whatever it is, you are reciprocating and getting into a game of seduction with these women. Most people (men and women) will not continuously pursue someone if the other person shows absolutely no interest in that way and from what I see, even when women pursue a man, it tends not to be in an overly aggressive way, it is usually a lot more subtle with women not in the way as you describe keeping away from women in case they 'try something'. People get bored and give up......unless the person shows that the feelings are mutual.

Whatever you are doing, from your op it seems to work with women however this is down to you. This is not about giving in to natural urges or being a slave to your own body or too many women coming on to you. Its about greed, lust, immaturity, deceit vs loyalty, love, respect, honesty for your girlfriend. You can dress it up any way you want but that's what it boils down to.

bjork

It's sounds like you like the security of the relationship, but not the actual person you are in in with

Addle

If you can't control your biological urge to reproduce, why not have a baby?

gsi300024v

Would you like an open relationship with someone were you both were ok with the other having occasional one night stands or casual partners?
So you and she could see others or sleep with others with it all aggreed before hand and not in a behind peoples back cheating kinda way?

CaraMay

No one is making him feel guilty for his 'natural desires'! They are telling him to be honest with his girlfriend and either tell her or finish it rather than cheat on her. If he is single, he can do what he wants with his natural desires.

Saralee4

W********** wrote: »

banned re-reg

he is in his relationship by choice. he has already confessed and established that he is a serial cheater before getting into a relationship with his current girlfriend. He needs to consider her emotions as he has made a commitment to her. He has every right to finish the relationship and then do what he wants.

From what I have read, I think all posters agree that if he feels he cant control himself then he needs to either stay single or find a woman who is interested in an open relationship.

I think your view and the 'natural desire' argument here is actually insulting to men. Men are evolved. They know right from wrong. Any negative feedback op has received is based on there being no justification to cheat on his girlfriend.

LegacyUser

i want to thank every one for response. there is a lot and i am reading them all many times. i am grateful for the time taken to try and help. my friends love my girl almost as much as i do. if you knew her you would understand why. so they are her friends now apart from being her boyfriends friend. so many people i would talk to about things i can not feel i can talk to.

i will try to answer the answers of people, some say the same, so ones of the others. and thank you every one again.

nobrainer #2 yes i know this is the solution. i just dont cheat. its the apex solution. this is what i am trying and what i want. i know too that solution to winning the football world cup is to just dont lose any games you play. other people said this to me. just dont cheat. maybe for other people they are brazil. then its a nobrainer. i feel like belgium. i feel i try as hard. i train as hard. i try as hard as i can to use the solution. but i still dont win the world cup. maybe you are brazil. maybe its all too easy than me for what the reasons are. i dont know the reasons. im trying. i want to win.

mr.ingognito #3 yes i think this is good. i do this. dont put myself in situations. i will take your advice, day by day. i think this is the way. sometimes its hard, difficult to not look at many days in advance and feel overwhelmed, like drowning, i must work on this. thanks you.

magicmarker #4 i think this helps. maybe this seems clear from the outside. but i never thought to think like this. to think of successes instead of failure. i think this can help.

pookie82 #5 i will do therapy. to forgo serious relationships. this is what i did last time. this was my resolution. after i end my last relationship i decided relationships aren't meant for me. it doesn't work. i did this for 4 years. i meant to do it forever. then i met her. we became friends. then we became intimate. i fell in love with her. i told her being intimate has to stop but we can be friends still because for me relationships dont work. she might get hurt. she said she loves me and that is the risk in relationships , and it is her choice if she wants to take the risk. i thought maybe this time things would be different. maybe i changed. this time it will work.

ford2600 #8 i will do therapy. and i will read charles bukowski.

huntergonzo #15 when i truly ask myself what i want, i want her. its what i want. but more i want her to never be hurt or unhappy. this is the dilemma. i might make her unhappy. i might hurt her.

saipanne #16 no i dont drink the sauce often. rarely. and most of the time its not on the sauce. but i already am not on the sauce for any time a friend or someone cheats, a lot of the time i hear their was alcohol. it lowers inhibitions. it makes people impulsive. its a risk. i am trying to be proactive instead of reactive. so i dont be on the sauce any more.

manonboard #17 thank you for your post. this is something i considered in the past. but it doesn't solve the problem. the problem is i want to be with her. not that i want to be in a relationship. i was very happy not being in a relationship. it is fine with me. before i met her it was fine with me if it was forever. i know it makes me hypocrite. but i dont know if i could be in this kind of relationship with her if she wanted it. to think of her with someone else doing the things we do. not the sex the most. the lying in bed after making each other laugh. the things like that. it kills me. and she would not be for this arrangement either. i could find this arrangement with another if i wanted it think. but with another is not what i want.

saralee4 #18 i know i must make a decision. i will not deceive her. if i cross the line it is over and i will end our relationship. i am not willing to hurt her to satisfy myself. this is what has me in the problem. do i end first and hurt her so that i dont hurt her more if i dont end the relationship and something happens. i dont know. maybe nothing will happen. belgium have to win the world cup some time. this is what i want. i just fear i dont know how.

saralee4 #20 i am not a victim. my innocent girlfriend is the victim. i know this. maybe you are truthful in what you say. ive thought about this a lot. maybe i am doing something. saying something. but if it is true i do not know what it is. if i did i would stop. i dont want things like this. i wish there was a button to press and i could just forget and focus only on her and be confident in us being together and not hurting her. this is what i want.

bjork #17 in my life i have known a lot of people. i like her the most. i met many girls beautiful and liked them a lot and many men would have wanted a relationship with them. i did not. but she is the person in the world in all my years i liked most of any. if we didnt have a relationship she still would be. i do not ant the security of relationship. i am happy not in a relationship. i want her.

addle #22 i do not want a baby. this is a decision i made long ago. my girlfriend made the same decision long ago. we agree on this.

saralee4 #25 i know right from wrong. i know to be with another is wrong. i do know this. but in the moment, it is like my thoughts dont make words. there is no thinking only doing. this is sex for me. not just with other women. with my love. when we get close and start to touch, i could not tell you who the president is, i could not tell you my name, there are no thoughts in words, just my body moving, if interupted, it is like not just having thoughts again, but walking into a room and interupting two people being intimate, but i am one of them, like waking from a dream, this is my problem. it is always like this. with women in that moment. no thoughts, good thought or bad thoughts, just doing, like a reflex.

silverfeather

I don't think you love her or want her.

Personally I don't think good people cheat.

That's my perspective.

You sound really immature. I am not trying to be the pitchfork brigade. It's good you are talking about it. But you do sound immature or something. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who feared he would cheat.

That's just my perspective though.

Saralee4

I think you are somehow using this lack of control and 'reflex' action as a justification. You have enough control that if you were talking to a girl in pub and she said 'lets do it here, right now in front of everyone in the pub' that you would be able to say 'no we cant do that' right?

Your mind is not separate from your body. its not like you are dying of thirst with a bottle of water.

The first part of this is accepting that you are in control here. Until you can do that, I think that you are probably going to be unfaithful to your girlfriend and loose her.

I understand that it is hard for you OP but it is a choice that people make when they enter a relationship. Your not the first person to be tempted whilst in a relationship but it is up to you to decide whether you have the self control or your love and respect for your girlfriend is strong enough. You have take responsibility for yourself here.

LegacyUser

silverfeather I understand you for thinking i dont love or want her. all i can say is its not true. i dont mean to dismiss. but i am 34, not 14, i know when i am in love, and i know what i want. i lead a full life, with lots of experience, the truth is i love her and want her. it would be easy if i didnt. its hard because i do. thats the truth of the situation.

maybe you are right. maybe good people dont cheat. maybe thats me. im not good. maybe thats the reason. i dont know. i could have a lot. no one would know. but i dont yet. maybe im not good but only for a time so? i hope not. i try to be a good person.

how am i immature? maybe thats it. maybe that is the problem. can you explain. maybe it would help if i knew why.

saralee4 thank you for posting again. i know you did several times already. i dont want a justification. really i dont. i can see why people would think. im not trying to find a way to justify. its not an option for me. im trying to find a way to prevent. i take all responsibility. i know it is me responsible. i am not trying to put responsibility on anything away from what i do. i do what i do and it is my responsibilty. i know this. thank you.

LegacyUser

OP, your posts remind me of an interview I once read. It was with an ageing Lothario who was explaining what a relief it was to have become impotent in his latter years- "It was like spending half my life chained to a lunatic" (his penis!). There's a bit of truth there somewhere.

blatantrereg

Boundary issue. Assert normal boundaries. Lots of people manage to be attractive to the opposite sex and have no problem staying faithful to a partner. Don't engage with people in the sort of way that leads to kissing. If women try to engage you in flirtation then close them down.

You don't come across like you take responsibility for this. Possibly some need for approval underpins it. You need to show you can attract people instead of shutting down inappropriate interaction. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Act like you're in a relationship or stop being in a relationship.

Faithfulness does not require you to suddenly stop finding attractive people attractive. It does mean you don't think about making sexual/flirtatious contact with them though; and close off any attempts they make to engage with you in that manner. Even small things aren't really cool - they're just silly teasing if they aren't leading to anything greater. Be straightforward with people and treat them with courtesy.