Date has left me feeling terrible

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 03:26AM #1

Hi guys, don't know where to start on this one.

I met a guyonline and he asked me for a first date, had been texting for about a month before having a proper date. Have to say I liked him from the get go, very interesting, down to earth and a nice person. Now I was aware that they would be going abroad two weeks after our date for work for a few months. I only found this out a week before our date so was a little surprised but thats life I guess. However the guy seemed to want to meet up anyway and travel to see me (I live in Northern Ireland, he lives in the South)

I was a little concerned as I wasnt sure why he would travel all that way for one date before going, but I felt Id just give the date and go and see how it goes anyway, but he seemed to want a relationship anyway and stated he would be back and forth and anyway I didnt want to press anything before I had even met the guy, that would be crazy.

The date went really well anyway, flowed very well, he suggested a drive the next day before heading away. It got intimate but I honestly felt he was a decent guy, still think he is. He didnt come across as sleazy or strange and we had a lovely date, dinner and drinks and chatted for hours.

next day came and we went for the drive as planned. he didnt leave straight away in the morning so saw that as a good sign. however the going away part was awkward, I got a "keep in touch" sort of goodbye and "had a great time, we have to do this again" "il let you know when Im back in Ireland" I guess I was hoping that we could keep texting, maybe skype and meet up when he's home. I genuinely felt he enjoyed the date.

anyway he went away, I messaged to say that I enjoyed it, he said it was great and must meet up again. but when he went away today there was no message and his text to say he had arrived or anything, however he has liked my profile pictures on fb and so on.

the main part I noticed is that he has updated his dating profile site to his new work city and I guess I feel very hurt, I know its silly as it was a first date. But I guess him coming all the way to see me when he was going in a few days later made me think maybe he wants to see if things were compatible and who knows. I was in no doubt that he liked me and I guess I was taken aback, however I think the worst part for me is that I slept with him and I feel really cheap as its not something I usually do. Just feel very down and I know its riddiculous. Maybe its a clash of personalities as I would never go to that effort to see someone if I was leaving the country for short time work if I wanted a relationship, and perhaps as painful as I dont want to admit it, he wanted a bit of fun before he went. It really hurts though. thanks for reading. Think Im just looking for advice on how to stop feeling so awful as hand on heart, Ive never been so insecure about a date before, but this one has really hit me as it was a risk for me as well to try online dating.

kylith · 20-04-2015 09:59AM

Sorry OP but travelling a long way to meet someone when you're going to be leaving the country for an unspecified length of time pretty much immediately after screams 'casual hook up' to me. He was leaving the country and didn't know if he'd be able to find someone where he was going, and he saw you as a sure thing.

He probably is a decent enough guy, and he may well contact you when he's back in the country. Unfortunately most internet dating sites are used by a lot of people as hook up sites.

I'd recommend chalking this one up to experience. If he gets in contact when he comes back you can decide what to do then, but the distance between ye would make me think he's not going to see it as something serious. I can only recommend taking it more slowly in future.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 10:10AM

any advice would be great guys, probably just need to have some advice knocked into me but appreciate any thoughts.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 10:14AM

kylith wrote: »

Sorry OP but travelling a long way to meet someone when you're going to be leaving the country for an unspecified length of time pretty much immediately after screams 'casual hook up' to me. He was leaving the country and didn't know if he'd be able to find someone where he was going, and he saw you as a sure thing.

He probably is a decent enough guy, and he may well contact you when he's back in the country. Unfortunately most internet dating sites are used by a lot of people as hook up sites.

I'd recommend chalking this one up to experience. If he gets in contact when he comes back you can decide what to do then, but the distance between ye would make me think he's not going to see it as something serious. I can only recommend taking it more slowly in future.

thanks kylith, yeah I completely see your point. I think its because we had the same intentions which said, wants a relationship that I assumed it. I totally agree and I was a bit surprised that he would travel down to be honest, it sucks but there you go. I guess I thought the fact that the next day they wanted to go for a drive too meant perhaps as they could have just up and left. But I agree, thanks for the advice.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 10:19AM

I will add, that it was a dinner in the evening followed by one or two drinks and a drive the next day to a local beach, it really wasn't sleazy. Also their profile said seeking relationship so I really didnt handpick a guy who was looking for just sex intentionally. Aslo we had been talking previously for a few weeks but as I said, not going to make excuses, I guess Im just very disappointed.

MrWalsh · 20-04-2015 10:47AM

The problem is that you and he have different views on these matters.

You wouldnt have slept with him if youd realised he had seen it as a casual bit of fun. But he wasnt clear with you that he viewed it as a casual bit of fun, probably because he knew if he said it out straight you wouldnt have met him at all. So in that sense he probably did deceive you - but Im sure he would argue that it was obvious that it was only going to be a casual hook up seeing as he was off away shortly afterwards.

Just chalk it up to experience.

kylith · 20-04-2015 11:04AM

cantreadthem25 wrote: »

I will add, that it was a dinner in the evening followed by one or two drinks and a drive the next day to a local beach, it really wasn't sleazy. Also their profile said seeking relationship so I really didnt handpick a guy who was looking for just sex intentionally. Aslo we had been talking previously for a few weeks but as I said, not going to make excuses, I guess Im just very disappointed.

He may well be seeking a relationship, but isn't adverse to having a bit of no strings attached fun in the mean time.

If you're looking for a relationship I think you should stick to men closer to where you live; long distance relationships are bad enough when you're an established couple, but starting a relationship as long distance is nigh on impossible.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 11:12AM

MrWalsh wrote: »

The problem is that you and he have different views on these matters.

You wouldnt have slept with him if youd realised he had seen it as a casual bit of fun. But he wasnt clear with you that he viewed it as a casual bit of fun, probably because he knew if he said it out straight you wouldnt have met him at all. So in that sense he probably did deceive you - but Im sure he would argue that it was obvious that it was only going to be a casual hook up seeing as he was off away shortly afterwards.

Just chalk it up to experience.

Heya, thanks and I agree, I think I was just very naive in this sense, probably wear my heart on my sleeve. Dont get me wrong, I dont blame the guy, I didnt have to sleep with him, so it's my fault for assuming he would want more. I guess I just presumed since I stated my own intentions relationship wise online, and that his also said relationship he would have grasped thats what I was going for. thanks again.

ShowMeTheCash · 20-04-2015 11:13AM

OP - Try not beat yourself up and perhaps chalk this down to experience!

It is hard to know his motives maybe he thought this is why you guys where meeting up.. Some people have different views on the whole casual sex thing.

I think if you are looking for a relationship as in a boyfriend it might be better to see if you can maintain a long distance friendship first, long distance can work but a lot of the times will not.

Chin up deep breath, it's ok, your ok it will be fine!

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 11:20AM

<Snip> No need to repost previous post

thanks again everyone for the great, thought I would be berated on this, no I completely agree, tbh, I hadn't planned on even going long distance, just happened he messaged me and tbh he had very similar interests to me, career wise and past times. So we got along very well post date and during it, but as I said, I completely see his point of view too, I'm just disappointed I guess and wish it hadn't turned out that way. I don't put efforts into things I'm not interested in nor sleep around so I am probably more angry at myself and wondering what I did wrong.

kylith · 20-04-2015 11:55AM

You didn't do anything wrong, if he was only after a casual thing he should have made that clear.

MrWalsh · 20-04-2015 12:01PM

kylith wrote: »

You didn't do anything wrong, if he was only after a casual thing he should have made that clear.

+1

In my own dating days I considered it a bullet dodged if someone I slept with behaved this way. This is someone who isnt being honest about his intentions - and you dont want to waste your time with someone like that imo.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 12:14PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

+1

In my own dating days I considered it a bullet dodged if someone I slept with behaved this way. This is someone who isnt being honest about his intentions - and you dont want to waste your time with someone like that imo.

thanks, this really does help. I just feel very cheap after it, I'm trying to justify my own sanity for sleeping with this guy and not going on the fact that him leaving in a week was odd for someone who wanted a date and meet up. But he used the word date throughout the whole evening and just seemed very genuine, feeling very silly now but I'll have to chalk it up I guess.
the change of location on the site shocked me, as stupid as that sounds, I really didnt expect it to be like that or that he wouldnt think I would have seen it.

LLMMML · 20-04-2015 12:15PM

I think you have too high expectations for behaviour after one date. You seem upset that he didn't text you when going abroad even though he replied to your text in a positive way and is liking your stuff on facebook. You are not in a relationship yet. You are not his girlfriend. I think there are two things you could learn if you read this forum regularly: 1. Many people date more than one person before committing to one and it does not reflect badly on them or mean they are not interested in one person or not open to a relationship. 2. Guys who are intense, text all the time, and want a relationship straight away can often be the worst.

I think you should give this thing a chance and let it grow naturally rather than expect serious relationship behaviour straight away. (That is assuming you want to overlook the distance thing). You weren't used for sex and have no reason to feel cheap.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 12:24PM

LLMMML wrote: »

I think you have too high expectations for behaviour after one date. You seem upset that he didn't text you when going abroad even though he replied to your text in a positive way and is liking your stuff on facebook. You are not in a relationship yet. You are not his girlfriend. I think there are two things you could learn if you read this forum regularly: 1. Many people date more than one person before committing to one and it does not reflect badly on them or mean they are not interested in one person or not open to a relationship. 2. Guys who are intense, text all the time, and want a relationship straight away can often be the worst.

I think you should give this thing a chance and let it grow naturally rather than expect serious relationship behaviour straight away. (That is assuming you want to overlook the distance thing). You weren't used for sex and have no reason to feel cheap.

Hi, I never said I was used for sex infact I said the opposite I said I really regret being part of it because if I had known it was one night stand thing Id never have approved. I also never said I thought I was his girlfriend. I know people date more than one person regularly, but I guess there is something distasteful in my own views about a guy sleeping with a girl on a date on a website that he stated as want a relationship and then three days later when he arrives changes his dating profile location.

As I said Im not saying he is a bad guy, but I'm just saying, he knew where I stood for sure, my profile states relationship, as did his and he genuinely expressed interest in me throughout and after the date. I know I'm just going to chalk this up but I certainly am not some type of obsessed girl who thinks a first date is a ticket to expect a boyfriend. I just expect someone to be honest about their intentions that is all. I appreciate your reply though.

strobe · 20-04-2015 12:26PM

You've been on one date.

Entirely possible it wasn't 'just' a hook up for him. Could well be the case he's open to something more, thought to himself "this girls fvcking amazing, better get in there with a date before I head away for work to give me some hope she won't be snapped up before I get back".

But you've been on one date. For all he knows, it's going to wind up not going anywhere, or you will be with someone else when he gets back. So he's hardly going to go celibate or take himself off the market completely while he's away.

But in the same way you can't just sit around waiting for him either. You've been on one date. Didn't get engaged.

Take it for what it was. A really nice date with a nice guy that may go somewhere or may go nowhere. Carry on with your life. And when he gets back if he wants to meet up and you aren't seeing anyone else you can meet up, have a second date, and just see how things go.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 12:31PM

strobe wrote: »

Entirely possible it wasn't 'just' a hook up for him. Could well be the case he's open to something more, thought to himself "this girls fvcking amazing, better get in there with a date before I head away for work to give me some hope she won't be snapped up before I get back".

But you've been on one date. For all he knows you will be with someone else when he gets back. So he's hardly going to go celibate or take himself off the market completely while he's away.

thanks strobe, no I completely agree, my issue isnt that he has to commit, haha, I wouldn't expect it, what I found off-putting was the sudden change in location three days after sleeping with him, it was a little off putting, but I completely agree, I dont expect that of him, not at all. Just didnt like the way he went and changed it, bit of a "yock moment"

Rubberchikken · 20-04-2015 12:38PM

he sounds like he was a decent enough guy. you had a good first date.
if you can, just leave it at that. don't invest anymore time in it. move on for your own sake and as the other poster says, take things a little slower next time and don't place too much importance on first, second event third dats, just have some fun.

good luck

LegacyUser · 20-04-2015 01:07PM

thanks, yeah look as I said, I'm not out to bag a boyfriend nor was I stating this guy was the one, one date after all. My approach would just be a little different and particularly with after you get with someone, different if it was a one night stand, as others said, intentions were probably different from both parties and I accept that

strobe · 20-04-2015 02:01PM

cantreadthem25 wrote: »

thanks strobe, no I completely agree, my issue isnt that he has to commit, haha, I wouldn't expect it, what I found off-putting was the sudden change in location three days after sleeping with him, it was a little off putting, but I completely agree, I dont expect that of him, not at all. Just didnt like the way he went and changed it, bit of a "yock moment"

Ah yeah, I get what you mean. I suppose that would have been a bit weird, particularly if you're new to the whole Internet dating thing as you say.

Guess it's like if you go on a date with a guy, you know it's not a commitment or anything, and that if he meets another girl the following night he likes he's probably going to ask her out too, but would still be a bit weird to walk into a bar and see them actually out on a date together.

But it's nothing personal, and doesn't say anything in relation to how much a guy likes you or not or how they view you.

dellas1979 · 20-04-2015 05:38PM

cantreadthem25 wrote: »

what I found off-putting was the sudden change in location three days after sleeping with him

I was really trying to follow the thread, but I dont understand the above. You knew his departure was imminent?

I think what happened was, you really liked this guy, built it up in your head, it was somehow magically going to happen with this guy you didnt particularly know, and now are disappointed with the results.

There is nothing wrong with what you or he did (or felt). But maybe you should try and be a little more protective of yourself, until you fully know someone's intentions.

Saralee4 · 20-04-2015 06:45PM

I don't know anything about internet dating but from what I gather, the talking over the internet is not the same. So if you were talking for one month, its not the same as going on a few dates for a month.

I think OP what happened here is that you got a bit emotionally involved in the month of talking online and then on with the date you felt that you knew him well enough to sleep with him but now you are having doubts about your decision even though it felt right at the time.

In a normal situation if you were dating for a month, you might have been out four times already so this can give the person 'justification' in their head to sleep with the other person. I think you are feeling guilty about sleeping with him but there is nothing to feel guilty about.

It can be hard for women especially I think because we can be taught or conditioned to believe that we can sleep with someone after x amount of dates and then we are not 'easy' or 'prudes'. You probably have a system that you normally feel fine in your own head with and it works for you and your values and comfort levels about sleeping with people. You probably felt it was ok for you because you have been online for a month and one date now. I think you are just feeling out of your comfort zone because you realise that the online stuff is not as real compared to actually meeting up.

The main thing is, don't panic, don't be hard on yourself and don't blame him either. You had a nice weekend and if something does come out of it which is still very possible then great. If not, then take it as a lesson that you personally are not comfortable with yourself if you sleep with the guy on the first date even if you have connected online for a time. That just doesn't work well for you.

Matteroffact · 20-04-2015 08:44PM

I don't think that anything wrong happened at all. You were both interested in meeting up, you both enjoyed the date to the extent that you slept with one another but this guy, while he might want a relationship at some stage, doesn't want one with you right now. You are disappointed that he wasn't so taken in by you that he wanted to take his name off the dating site and be faithful to you, write to you and be with you when he came home, and I can fully understand this. It is like a kick in the teeth for you, but I would not worry about having slept with him because it felt right for both of you at the time. All your feelings are understandable but you cannot blame the guy for this. You were taken by him from the get go but maybe he wasn't taken by you enough to want to see you again and this is the part that hurts. It would hurt anyone in the same situation, but you will get over it and soon you will have forgotten about him. He is now looking for someone else, but so what, so are you. I am not trying to make light of your hurt OP as anyone would be disappointed but I just think it is a case of he wasn't as attracted to you as you were to him and his actions have proved this, so now you can forget about him. I hope I don't sound harsh but I just want to point out the reality of the situation so that you can forget about him.

IlmoNT4 · 20-04-2015 09:29PM

I think the problem OP is that you spent a lot of time talking to him before hand and forming an attachment to him, before you had even met.

Chalk it down to experience... maybe he is a nice guy or maybe he's just drove up to see if he could have a nice date that might lead to casual sex. I think you got quite invested in something beforehand.

My advice when it comes to online dating, see it as nothing more than an introduction and meet the person quickly, rather than chat online for a few weeks...You tend to build the person out to be something they may not be and when you meet them, you kinda want to make them fit into the imaginary person you created.

As for him updating his profile, well I think you know what type of person you are dealing with, he's not that into you. If he genuinely liked you and knew he would be back in Ireland I dont think he would be looking for dates in NYC, he would remain in contact with you...I'd move on

Date has left me feeling terrible

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