Bragging groom-how to deal?

A-Bit-Dodge · 19-04-2015 11:28AM #1

a strange situation so I'm just going to lay it out there.

An old friend from college (who now lives 5 minutes away) is marrying the 2nd cousin of my fiancé. Last weekend, on his stag weekend, the groom got a little drunk and started bragging about the amazing deals they have gotten for their Thursday wedding and how they were expecting to make a 3k profit from inviting people "they really couldn't be bothered with" as well as the other guests. My fiancé said his tone was so arrogant he'd consider not going at all especially as we have had to postpone our own wedding due to financial restraints, have to take 2 days off work to travel to Meath for the wedding, cost of gift, etc . So now I'm thinking I shall go on my own but how do I explain to the bride why H2b is not coming all of a sudden, with only 10 weeks to go? I know her much longer than he does and we are very close but I don't think I can give the satisfaction of giving them the "normal" amount knowing they're planning to pocket a hefty amount of it and just out of the grooms sheer sense of greed. Any advice welcome... It's really not my place to tell her he's after upsetting a good few of his male family members and companions with his actions but she'll know something is up if my fella is all of a sudden gonna not show!

a postere · 19-04-2015 11:33AM

Sometimes your friends will choose to marry people who you think are dicks. That's life.
What type of wedding you can or can't afford or want, should have no bearing on your friends day.
Is she your friend or not ? I would suspect not really, the way your talking / posting about her.
If she is, go, if not, do yourself and her a favour and don't.
It's an invite, not compulsory attendance.
Anyone who doesn't want to go to a wedding, should do everyone a favor, and not go to it.
I'm really sick of going to weddings where some guests sit and moan about the bride and groom and/or the wedding/reception etc.

A-Bit-Dodge · 19-04-2015 11:36AM

a postere wrote: »

Is she your friend or not ? I would suspect not the way your talking about her.
If she is, go, if not, do yourself and her a favour and don't.

I am going. She is my friend. What part said she wasn't? I'm asking how do I approach the subject of my fiancé not coming but thanks for your helpful reply!

a postere · 19-04-2015 11:38AM

A-Bit-Dodge wrote: »

I am going. She is my friend. What part said she wasn't? I'm asking how do I approach the subject of my fiancé not coming but thanks for your helpful reply!

Surely he can find something else he has on that day if he doesn't want to go, and that can be his reason.

newmug · 19-04-2015 11:41AM

The way I'd look at it, the groom got p1ssed, and said some things I'm sure he regrets. Go to the wedding as planned, but just dont go spending a silly amount on a present, outfits etc. The day is about the couple, let them enjoy it, even if the groom is a bit obnoxious.

stickybookmark · 19-04-2015 11:44AM

It's a bit hard for your H2B to get out of going to the wedding if he was at the stag! Obviously they will be expecting him. You'll have to come up with something that could only have cropped up last minute - but not last-last minute as you'll have to let them know he's not coming obviously. Unless of course you want to wait til the week before to tell them he's not coming, that way they'll get caught for paying for his dinner and if you only give them 100 in a card as you went on your own, they'll be down on their 'profits'
Depends on whether you want to let them know in advance so they can cancel his dinner or not?
For a last-last minute excuse - sickness.
For a few weeks notice excuse - he's been dragged away for work

Geniass · 19-04-2015 11:47AM

a postere wrote: »

Surely he can find something else he has on that day if he doesn't want to go, and that can be his reason.

From your post the one that comes out a bit suspect is your fiancé. He's blowing a drunken conversation out of all proportion. Seems like he's just trying to get out of the trip and possibly playing on your own disappointment with your own wedding.

It sounds ridiculous he'd not go to your friend's wedding. He should be going because YOU are going. It really is that simple.

dixiefly · 19-04-2015 12:05PM

You cannot force him to go but I think a better option would be to go but don't give cash as a present. Buy a nice gift that you can afford.

If your h2b still insists on not going then you will have to get creative with the excuse. I missed the wedding of one of my best friends because of a work trip so he will have to think of something. If all comes to all he can be suddenly sick the night before.

A-Bit-Dodge · 19-04-2015 12:06PM

Geniass wrote: »

Seems like he's just trying to get out of the trip and possibly playing on your own disappointment with your own wedding.

Didn't even think of this! Usually my fiancé is quite calm and collected so it's not a case of him just throwin a hissy fit or blowing something up.

But he has been quite friendly with the groom and that circle of friends for a good few years, he was even involved with stag organising which is why I know he is genuinely peed off and not just trying to be a pain. He is a grown man, I can't force him... Be nice to get some male perspective on this maybe?

Thanks for the advice so far.

Geniass · 19-04-2015 12:10PM

It's 10 weeks to the wedding. Plenty of time to take Penny and Disney's advice ... Let It Go

galljga1 · 19-04-2015 12:11PM

Get them a toaster or a nice flowery lamp. It should cut into the 3k profit.

seamusk84 · 19-04-2015 12:15PM

If she is your friend then be honest and tell the truth. Might be a wake up call to her fiancée when she then says it to him.

If you can't tell her the truth then ye are not as close as you think.

galljga1 · 19-04-2015 12:19PM

seamusk84 wrote: »

If she is your friend then be honest and tell the truth. Might be a wake up call to her fiancée when she then says it to him.

If you can't tell her the truth then ye are not as close as you think.

I would not necessarily agree Seamus. I think a large number of us have good friends who would no longer be friends if we told "the truth" about their partners, or some of their life choices. It is not an easy thing to do and can screw things up badly. Sometimes, we are better off sucking it up.

a postere · 19-04-2015 12:19PM

Lads are not supposed to be too into wedding arrangements. It could have just been a drunken joke to make certain mates laugh. Could actually be about something else that happened on the stag, unless you were there, there is no way of telling.

19-04-2015 12:20PM

I'd take one day off instead if you can get away with it, and don't spend half as much as you would have

Tigger · 19-04-2015 12:23PM

galljga1 wrote: »

Get them a toaster or a nice flowery lamp. It should cut into the 3k profit.

Flowery toaster

a postere · 19-04-2015 12:24PM

That's actually quite a cool toaster . . . you've either got very good taste, or none. I can't tell.

galljga1 · 19-04-2015 12:33PM

Tigger wrote: »

Flowery toaster

If only it had a light. Sister in law got a rotating musical lamp: classic.

Calhoun · 19-04-2015 12:37PM

Honestly I wouldn't mention this at all to your friend as 10 weeks before the wedding it more than likely won't be taken well.

You husband to be sounds to be a little jealous because of your own situation , sure the groom is an ass but their is two of them in it and I'm sure his wife wouldnt necessarily agree with the grooms view.

stickybookmark · 19-04-2015 12:38PM

It must be sickening to hear a groom bragging about how much money he's saving by having the wedding on a Thursday to the actual guests that are having to take 2 days off work for his wedding

What an eejit!!

Tarzana2 · 19-04-2015 01:15PM

Calhoun wrote: »

You husband to be sounds to be a little jealous because of your own situation

Ah here, if it happened as said in the OP, the groom is pretty classless. It wouldn't be jealousy, but the OP and fiancé's situation probably is contributing to him not wanting to go, it's kind of an inadvertent nose rub. But even if the OP and her fiancé didn't have to postpone their wedding, the groom sounds like a grasping smugface.

OP, I think he should attend but try to minimise your costs for the day, and I understand why the day will be a bit tainted for ye now. It's a shame. But just think of the social aspect of the day, gabbing with friends and whatnot.

Tigger · 19-04-2015 01:18PM

a postere wrote: »

That's actually quite a cool toaster . . . you've either got very good taste, or none. I can't tell.

Thanks

Calhoun · 19-04-2015 01:25PM

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Ah here, if it happened as said in the OP, the groom is pretty classless. It wouldn't be jealousy, but the OP and fiancé's situation probably is contributing to him not wanting to go, it's kind of an inadvertent nose rub. But even if the OP and her fiancé didn't have to postpone their wedding, the groom sounds like a grasping smugface.

ah here nothing, sure it was classless but if the grooms actions were the only thing going on then why even mention it. It comes across like the OP's partner is letting their own frustrations get in the way of going.

The groom maybe allot of things but is it fair that his wife to be should suffer because of him being an ass. We all know people who are with or getting married to people we don't quite like but generally we go out of respect for the other person.

Tarzana2 · 19-04-2015 01:32PM

Calhoun wrote: »

ah here nothing, sure it was classless but if the grooms actions were the only thing going on then why even mention it. It comes across like the OP's partner is letting their own frustrations get in the way of going.

Probably. I wouldn't call it jealousy though.

Calhoun · 19-04-2015 02:22PM

I do think you and other posters have it right about the trying to minimize the cost.

I had a similar incident happen around the time i was getting married and as it happens a number of our social/family circle was getting married around the same time (within a 1-1.5 year period).

Out of 4 weddings there was one couple who were very blatant that they were doing it and looking for money, in this case it was more the bride that the groom who would have been this way inclined. I really didn't want to go but went anyway because of two core reasons, 1. It was good fun on the day because allot of our social group would have been there and we had good craic, and 2. it would have been awkward in all the other upcoming weddings ect had i not.

So what we did was just ensure we minimized the cost as much as possible and had a good day, rather than create bad blood that would carry to our own day.

clint_silver · 19-04-2015 11:43PM

guy with drink said something contentious.

nothing to see here.

Tigger · 20-04-2015 02:53AM

In vino veritas : Thursday wedding , I ask you

A happy I like the Russian version better
In Russian, «Что у трезвого на уме, то у пьяного на языке» ("What a sober man has in his mind, the drunk one has on his tongue").

CaraMay · 20-04-2015 08:46AM

Calling a spade a spade - about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

You are going about it the wrong way. The way to cut into the 3k profit is both of you to go, eat, drink and be merry and then give then a kettle lol

Don't see what your own wedding has to do with this?

pooch90 · 20-04-2015 09:41AM

CaraMay wrote: »

about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

What exactly are you basing this on??

The Dark Side · 20-04-2015 09:51AM

Too many people looking for excuses to get offended these days.

Go to the wedding as planned FFS!

skallywag · 20-04-2015 09:55AM

He got p!ssed and was mouthing off at this stag, but it really sounds like a non-issue to me. OP, have you or your other half never said something when under the influence which you didn't really mean on sober reflection?

Perhaps you have not of course, in which case I tip my hat to you.

Bragging groom-how to deal?

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