I put the wrong age on dating profile, when do I own up?

#1 · 07-04-2015 10:02PM #1

Hi all,

I have a quick question and would like your opinions on the issue.

I joined a dating website a while ago for a bit of fun, nothing serious, just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I knew my ex could possibly be on the site and I didn't want to be popping up in his searches so I put my age as 30, when I'm actually 33.

Now I can't change it. I was going to close down the site because I wasn't using it, but when I logged on to close it I got chatting to a really nice guy. It was completely unexpected and I never envisioned meeting someone through the site. We REALLY hit it off and after a few weeks of constant contact, we have agreed to meet up in the next week.

So my big worry now is how to tell him my real age? He's 32, and I know it's not a big difference to 33 but still I fell like I've been untruthful and when I tell him, he'll question what else I may have lied about. Nothing else on my profile is un-true and i've been completely truthful in all our conversations since.

Is the age thing a big deal? Do I tell him straight away or wait to see if we get on in person? I'm really worried that it'll be a deal breaker because I think that we have the potential to get on as well in person as we have online.

Tigger99 · 07-04-2015 10:42PM

Don't make it a bigger deal than it is.

Drop it into conversation when you meet. Just say there's a mistake on your website (perhaps keep the reason to yourself!) and I'm actually 33. Silly site won't let me change it.

And leave it at that.

LadyAthame · 08-04-2015 01:42AM

I tell people i'm 21 ...i'm 33 and I am going to be 21 when I am 80...

Just tell him 'I am 33 ....but really I am 21' ... It's a mindset it keeps you young!
I actually don't agree with just anyone knowing when I was born anyway.

Half the time I forget what age I am anyway...21 is easy to remember.

yes there · 08-04-2015 01:47AM

LadyAthame wrote: »

I tell people i'm 21 ...i'm 33 and I am going to be 21 when I am 80...

Just tell him 'I am 33 ....but really I am 21' ... It's a mindset it keeps you young!
I actually don't agree with just anyone knowing when I was born anyway.

Half the time I forget what age I am anyway...21 is easy to remember.

Its ironically very immature to lie about your age.

Id just tell him out straight. Its not a big deal right now. Just explain what you have said in your post.

InTheTrees · 08-04-2015 01:55AM

yes there wrote: »

Its ironically very immature to lie about your

You must be young.

Into The Blue · 08-04-2015 02:04AM

yes there wrote: »

Its ironically very immature to lie about your age..

No, it's ironic that the only people who care about their age are the one with not a lot of it.

LadyAthame · 08-04-2015 02:41AM

yes there wrote: »

Its ironically very immature to lie about your age.

Id just tell him out straight. Its not a big deal right now. Just explain what you have said in your post.

i am not the op..and it's totally harmless..

strobe · 08-04-2015 07:24AM

Tigger99 wrote: »

Don't make it a bigger deal than it is.

Drop it into conversation when you meet. Just say there's a mistake on your website (perhaps keep the reason to yourself!) and I'm actually 33. Silly site won't let me change it.

And leave it at that.

I'd half agree with Tigger.
Don't make a big deal over it. But I'd drop it into conversation before you meet. And definitely leave out the reason, because whether it is or not, the reason sounds completely made up, and lying about the reason you lied about your age, comes across doubly insecure and makes it seem like it is a big deal. Just say it's a typo that you noticed but then couldn't change, a more believable lie.

08-04-2015 09:26AM

LadyAthame wrote: »

i am not the op..and it's totally harmless..

I don't think it's entirely harmless. It would make me wonder what else the person is willing to lie about.

MagicMarker · 08-04-2015 01:44PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't think it's entirely harmless. It would make me wonder what else the person is willing to lie about.

Yeah, I mean, maybe she's a soviet spy?? :eek:

OP, this is a non issue, just bring it up casually in conversation... "Hey when do you turn 33? Oh by the way I am actually 33, stupid profile says 30 and I can't change it".

There's REALLY no need to worry about this, chances are the guy won't even remember how old you are anyway.

Pippy1976 · 08-04-2015 02:10PM

This is not a big deal.

Tell him why you did it, i.e. not wanting to show up in your ex's search etc. Honestly - I wouldn't get hung up on it.

skallywag · 08-04-2015 02:14PM

WrongAge wrote: »

I knew my ex could possibly be on the site and I didn't want to be popping up in his searches so I put my age as 30, when I'm actually 33.

I am curious as to how you were so sure that your ex would not include someone who is 30 in a possible search?

Matteroffact · 09-04-2015 10:57AM

Why can't you change it ? Can you not edit your profile ? On most of these sites the only thing you cannot change is your username.

Emme · 09-04-2015 11:21AM

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't think it's entirely harmless. It would make me wonder what else the person is willing to lie about.

In my experience, most people on dating sites lie about their age especially when they get into their late 30s onwards. One would think that women are the worst offenders but men also lie about their ages. Women tend to knock up to 5 years off but I have seen men knocking up to 15 years off. There are some men in their late 30s and 40s who have lived incredibly hard lives if their photo is anything to go by. That's if they put up a recent photo!

To be honest, if somebody knocked up to 5 years off on a dating site it wouldn't bother me. I'd be more worried about people who lie about marital status. Most things can be checked out nowadays if you're reasonably computer literate and willing to dig a bit.

Potatoeman · 09-04-2015 12:16PM

Its not that big of deal but online dating means you need to trust what people tell you and if they lie about that what else will they lie about? The age thing depends if you want kids or not too.

skallywag · 09-04-2015 12:25PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

The age thing depends if you want kids or not too.

This is certainly a valid point. A woman pretending to be 30 when 33 is one thing, but pretending to be say 34 when one is really 39 is a different ball game completely.

tara73 · 09-04-2015 02:13PM

I would also recommend to tell him straight away, even if the topic of age doesn't come up. If you don't and it comes out on later dates by accident, he'll ask himself what else is she lying about or hiding.

you could give a reason or not, depends on how easy going he is, he might be happier with an explanation or maybe he doesn't bother at all, you'll get a feeling for it when you meet and tell him.

you could say, for example, the truth, that you didn't take it all too serious with the dating site because you didn't expect to meet somebody as nice as him. would guess it'll smoothe things.:D

Emme · 09-04-2015 02:28PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Its not that big of deal but online dating means you need to trust what people tell you and if they lie about that what else will they lie about? The age thing depends if you want kids or not too.

You mean the age thing with women depends if you want kids or not too.

If people want children they should state that on their profile. I have heard of men saying they are open to having kids purely to attract younger women but men wanting younger women is a fact of dating life online and in the real world.

Some men lie about height (I don't mind a discrepancy of 2 inches between profile height and reality but 6 inches is pushing it) and knock a good few years off their age so that they can meet a younger woman. 50 year olds passing themselves as 39 isn't uncommon. The older men get the more they are likely to lie about their age. Some women lie about their age because nobody would respond to their profiles or reply to their emails if they didn't. Most reasonable people who are accustomed to online dating will allow for a small "embellishment" in profiles. As long as you don't lie about your marital status subtracting up to 5 years off your age or adding up to 2 inches to your height is no big deal.

OP, if you like this guy be honest. Tara73 gives good advice.

power pants · 09-04-2015 03:21PM

Genuinely dont see the issue here or how some people are thinking its big deal

after 5 mins of sitting down with them, btw my age is actually 33 and not 30. Unable to change it on the app ( Im assuming it is tinder?)

Dial Hard · 09-04-2015 04:42PM

power pants wrote: »

Genuinely dont see the issue here or how some people are thinking its big deal

Because a lot of people here have been doing the online dating thing a long time and know that one lie on a profile can often be indicative of a host of other untruths and whatnot. This clearly isn't the case with the OP but it can and does happen a lot and that's why people are saying it can be seen as a red flag.

power pants wrote: »

after 5 mins of sitting down with them, btw my age is actually 33 and not 30. Unable to change it on the app ( Im assuming it is tinder?)

Tinder pulls your age directly from your Facebook profile, so I doubt it. I'm guessing POF, as that definitely doesn't allow you change your age once the profile is created.

power pants · 09-04-2015 04:44PM

fair enough, seen many women with ages 106+ on tinder.

Potatoeman · 09-04-2015 05:14PM

Emme wrote: »

You mean the age thing with women depends if you want kids or not too.

If people want children they should state that on their profile. I have heard of men saying they are open to having kids purely to attract younger women but men wanting younger women is a fact of dating life online and in the real world.

Some men lie about height (I don't mind a discrepancy of 2 inches between profile height and reality but 6 inches is pushing it) and knock a good few years off their age so that they can meet a younger woman. 50 year olds passing themselves as 39 isn't uncommon. The older men get the more they are likely to lie about their age. Some women lie about their age because nobody would respond to their profiles or reply to their emails if they didn't. Most reasonable people who are accustomed to online dating will allow for a small "embellishment" in profiles. As long as you don't lie about your marital status subtracting up to 5 years off your age or adding up to 2 inches to your height is no big deal.

OP, if you like this guy be honest. Tara73 gives good advice.

People lie about all sorts of things and I guess they don't care for short term relationships as they can hide it but if you are looking for a longer term relationship then you will have to tell the truth at some point, so why bother lying.

Micky 32 · 09-04-2015 07:02PM

...or you could mention it in your profile description about the discrepency so when someone reads it they will know, or delete the profile and make another one.

Est28 · 09-04-2015 07:55PM

I'm kinda concerned so many people here are saying this is not big deal.

Honestly, it's a big deal... online dating is just plain weird, the second you see a red flag, you need to run. I really don't buy the "Oh I was just looking...." excuse. You out a lower age to get younger guys, end of. Now you actually got one and you need to fess up.
If he's the sort of guy with very few options, maybe he'll let it go. Anyone with their head screwed on would end things.... I think if someone lies about their age especially there's some big insecurities going on there and it's a serious way of deception.

I used to online date but had to give it up. The amount of people lying about age, deceptive pictures, etc, etc, etc is unreal. After so long you learn to spot things and realize what all the "angles" and "filters" are for on someone's pictures but it's draining to actually think you're online dating long enough to even learn that stuff.

I'd own up and accept the consequences with this guy. Hope he's not getting any other dates and he might let it slide if he's lonely/naive enough.

Katgurl · 10-04-2015 01:50PM

Oh OP I've been in exactly the same boat, it's a mare.

I always just referenced age in the first date and if they say "I thought you were..." I shake my head and say my real age.

up for anything · 10-04-2015 04:00PM

I did that on POF when I joined originally. I whacked ten years off my age because I didn't want anyone I knew copping on who I was as I was just in it for a looksee. This year when I started using the site in earnest I had to delete my old profile and make a new one showing my correct age because I got fed up of having to explain in the first text so I didn't seem like I was trying to hide it.

Pippy1976 · 10-04-2015 04:22PM

Est28 wrote: »

Ionline dating is just plain weird

slight exaggeration. she's not met up with this guy yet. it's easy to say 'hey, that's not my real age, this app. won't let me change it. i'm 33.'

this is really not a big deal. being up-front as soon as you realise you've made a mistake is admirable. move on & don't dwell on it.

Est28 · 10-04-2015 05:58PM

Pippy1976 wrote: »

slight exaggeration. she's not met up with this guy yet. it's easy to say 'hey, that's not my real age, this app. won't let me change it. i'm 33.'

this is really not a big deal. being up-front as soon as you realise you've made a mistake is admirable. move on & don't dwell on it.

The point is... I don't really buy the OPs excuse.

I've heard this sort of thing loads of times...
"Oh I just put the wrong age because..." - No you didn't. You knew you wouldn't get the guy(s) you wanted if you told the truth so you decieved them.
"Oh I LOOK young for my age..." With all due respect, with some people you could give or take a few years but again, if you're trying to prove something with this statement it's the wrong way to go about it.
"I'll just say I'm 6'". Nope, you're 5'9". Maybe the other person just has a preference for tall people, and shouldn't be made feel bad for that. Maybe she STILL would have liked you if you were honest but the fact the FIRST thing they'll notice on meeting you is a lie... it's just a bad look.

End of the day. OP should fess up. If the guy is lacking options he'll likely overlook it. But it's difficult to buy the OPs excuse on it. This stuff goes on wholesale online dating and have heard every excuse. If you lie in your profile, it's a red flag and there's probably a good reason for it. You're being deceptive right off the bat.

Emme · 10-04-2015 06:10PM

Est28 wrote: »

The point is... I don't really buy the OPs excuse.

I've heard this sort of thing loads of times...
"Oh I just put the wrong age because..." - No you didn't. You knew you wouldn't get the guy(s) you wanted if you told the truth so you decieved them.
"Oh I LOOK young for my age..." With all due respect, with some people you could give or take a few years but again, if you're trying to prove something with this statement it's the wrong way to go about it.
"I'll just say I'm 6'". Nope, you're 5'9". Maybe the other person just has a preference for tall people, and shouldn't be made feel bad for that. Maybe she STILL would have liked you if you were honest but the fact the FIRST thing they'll notice on meeting you is a lie... it's just a bad look.

End of the day. OP should fess up. If the guy is lacking options he'll likely overlook it. But it's difficult to buy the OPs excuse on it. This stuff goes on wholesale online dating and have heard every excuse. If you lie in your profile, it's a red flag and there's probably a good reason for it. You're being deceptive right off the bat.

With respect you come across as misogynistic. Some people feel very strongly about small discrepancies

on dating sites while others are more accommodating as long as nobody lies about their marital status or having children. Perhaps you are relatively young - I was a lot more "black and white" in my thinking when I was in my 20s but I have mellowed out a bit now and I make more allowances for people.

Men under 5'5" and women over 45 find it hardest to get responses online. Therefore these are the people who are most tempted to lie about height and age respectively. So you get a man of 5'5" saying he's 5'6" or 5'7" and a woman of 47 saying she's 44. Women have the option of wearing heels, men generally don't so can you blame the short guy for adding one or two inches (onto his height

). Men tend to exclude women over 40 in their searches or at the very best, women over 45. That applies to men in their 60s as well as men in their 40s. Can you blame women in their late 40s for adjusting their age online to give themselves a ghost of a chance of appearing in mens' searches? They're not looking to date 35 year olds, they just don't want to be ignored by older men who exclude women over 40 (or at best 45) in their searches.

You also get middle-aged men knocking 10 or more years off their age so they can date women 20 years their junior. They get rumbled pretty quick!

I agree that a woman of 40 passing herself off as 35 is not good from the point of view that the man contacting her might want children. Lying about marital status or hiding the fact that you have children is unforgiveable.

I don't think the OP has committed a major sin but it's best she confesses to the guy that she is 33 and not 30. It's up to him after that. If he has a problem with it maybe he's not the guy for her, she might get on better with somebody more easy going.

beks101 · 10-04-2015 06:16PM

Why not casually throw it into one of your chats before you actually meet up?

Just light-heartedly say something like "yeah I did that for my 30th a few years ago..." or "I find as I approach my mid 30s.." or some lighthearted banter and let him join the dots. Tell him you've enjoyed "being 30 again" but it was actually an app error that you haven't been able to change.

Likelihood is he won't care a bit, but if he's been doing this online dating thing for a little while he'll already have encountered a lot of lies about weight, hobbies, career, etc so it might be a red flag.

The whole premise of determining interest based on a few select physical / mental traits and criteria is a bit daft in my opinion and it's easy to get sucked into with the online dating thing. Easy to convince yourself that you only like tall men or only date younger women etc when you're staring at a bland profile and a few one-dimensional photos and those are the criteria being presented to you.

Chemistry is either there or it isn't IMO. If you meet someone and they've got six heads and are two feet tall despite you liking one-headed six-footers, it doesn't matter a jot if you fancy the pants off them. I find the things like age or height or hair colour etc seem to matter a lot more when you're just not into them.

Tell the lad lightheartedly before you meet and see what happens. If there's a bit of a reaction, it's saved you from an awkward interaction where you're sitting there feeling self conscious and regretting the whole thing. If there's not, meet up and see how it goes.

10-04-2015 06:28PM

I agree with the light hearted approach, except that if you do it dropping it into conversation as above, it'll look like you just slipped up to someone who is already suspicious

I think being light hearted but saying 'oh that silly site won't let me correct that typo' and dropping it there would be better

I put the wrong age on dating profile, when do I own up?

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