mother ignoring me ugh

LegacyUser · 31-03-2015 12:13AM #1

hi guys , my mother keeps ignoring me lately whenever I ask her to help out , for example if I had a appointment or wanted a night out she just doesn't answer me ignores what I say/text or call.

now don't get me wrong I ask her rarely , I help her out the whole time whenever I can , she stays at home all day doesn't work etc..

usually if she does answer me back its " I had enough of bringing up children" , meaning no she doesn't want to help out,

I asked her last week if she could mind for the night that I would pay her , and nothing since its odd as she texts me everyday asking if I would call down to visit her .

I just feel really neglected from her as I try my best to please her , she has no problem minding my brothers kids whenever he asks . I know it sounds like I have a victim complex but I just wish she could help me out sometimes instead of ignoring me such as when I had postnatal depression and a friend died she told me to suck it up and move on or she would ignore me if I tried to explain how I felt or if I started crying .

Its bringing up issues with me , I am starting to really not like my mother I love her but I realize she really doesn't like her own children , it hurts as my MIL is really caring ,affectionate (hugs and kisses type)and kind and is such a good grandma doesn't curse or make mean comments about everyone .

I feel bad too for also starting to dislike my mother .

Addle · 31-03-2015 08:34AM

Why do you keep asking her when she told you she doesn't want to do it?
You're only setting yourself up for disappointment.

Pawwed Rig · 31-03-2015 08:36AM

If she doesn't want to mind your children she shouldn't have to. Nor should she be made feel bad about it. They're your kids, not hers. The simple solution would be to find another babysitter.

seventeen sheep · 31-03-2015 08:42AM

Maybe for whatever reason your children are harder work than your brother's children, and that's why she'd rather not mind them?

Either way I wouldn't force the issue. She has a point that she's done her time raising kids.

Maybe try spending more time with her without the children around? Let her know that you value your time with her, and that you don't just see her as a handy cheap babysitter.

MrWalsh · 31-03-2015 08:54AM

Is it just childminding you are talking about?

I think you should make alternative arrangements and stop worrying about her minding your brothers kids - thats not your business.

You need to stop asking her, clearly she doesnt want to do it so dont ask her to do it.

If you feel you dislike her then maybe the best thing (for both of you) is if you distance yourself a bit. Let her be the one to make contact and/or visit for a while, distancing yourself a bit will give you more clarity on the situation also - it can be hard to see clearly from inside a situation where emotions are involved.

zeffabelli · 31-03-2015 09:04AM

So you had post natal and then your friend died and she told you to suck it up. Sounds tough as old boots.

Then she won't babysit your kids but babysits for your brother.

It's personal.

Ignore her. Don't ask her anymore.

Don't help her anymore either

Cut her out and if she starts complaining tell her to suck it up.

HelgaWard · 31-03-2015 09:36AM

Maybe she feels that the only time you contact her is when you want her to do something for you? Maybe she wants some simple how are you today phone calls, instead of will you babysit today phone calls. Relationships are all about give and take maybe she feels you are all take.
I agree with the other posts, organise an alternative babysitter, maybe yourself & your brother could mind each others kids when necessary. Your Mam has made it clear she does not want to babysit, you wouldn't know maybe her sight/hearing is diminishing and she is afraid to mind the kids in case something happens to them, but is too proud to say.

Neyite · 31-03-2015 09:43AM

There is fault on both sides here to be honest - your mother is right, she did her stint rearing children, any child-minding she does now is as a favour to someone else and at her discretion. Nobody is obliged to help you out with childcare or babysitting.

You don't say how often you feel she should babysit, or what age bracket the children are in, which would heavily influence matters I think. If you had tiny children she may not feel fit for the work involved with a baby or a toddler, but an older child can be minded a lot easier - which may be a factor she is happy to mind your brothers children. I know my mother is happier to mind by siblings children, purely because they are older and basically just need meals and telly, where mine are still at the hanging-out-of-you stage. Similarly, if you are asking her every week, it might be asking too much and she may feel happy to offer if it was more infrequent.

Personally I'm of the view that I chose to have children, and I rarely impose on people to mind them. My partner and I either go on our own nights out and leave the other parent to look after the child, or very rarely, we have had offers to babysit for milestone occasions as a couple which we have gratefully accepted.

Having said that, if she expects you to be at her beck and call while never helping you out, then its up to you to call a halt to the one-way favours. But, you could be cutting off your nose to spite your face there in terms of other ways she helps you out, if she does.

To be honest, I think she is making it very clear she doesn't want to mind your children. If it were me, I think I'd be too stubborn and too proud to keep asking. In fact, I'd probably never ask again even if my life depended on it. But I'd also be slow to answer my phone or reply to texts too if I was feeling taken for granted, and felt like I was always helping and getting nothing in return.

bp · 31-03-2015 09:51AM

Stop helping her so much, but keep up the contact. If she asks for help be less inclined to give it - does your brother help out?

Baby sitting can be tough depending on ages etc. You don't have to like your family - can your MIL help?

My parents take the grandkids over night (they ask for them without being asked they enjoy it) but my MIL doesn't want them over night (too nervous) but great at being a grandparent and always help in other ways.

Lux23 · 31-03-2015 05:02PM

It sounds like your mum has retired from child raring and why shouldn't she? Maybe it is time to start thinking about getting a regular babysitter and leaving Mammy alone.

Teyla Emmagan · 31-03-2015 11:01PM

I have to say, regardless of babysitting issues, your mother doesn't seem to speak to you very kindly. She ignores half your messages and gives a pretty rude reply the rest of the time? Never mind the "suck it up" comment which is just dreadful. I am not surprised you find yourself disliking someone who feels it's okay to communicate with her daughter like this.

m'lady · 01-04-2015 09:06AM

If your Mam treats you so badly which I think by the sounds of it that she does- why would you even want to leave your children with her? It's obvious she doesn't want to be childminding and you need to respect that also in fairness. You will have to get a babysitter or maybe if you have a friend with children you could help each other out?

Tearin It Up · 01-04-2015 10:45AM

Why are people saying she doesn't want to babysit? She has no problem babysitting her son's kids. They're all her grandkids, that's completely unfair, already picking her favourite grandchildren.

I don't know why you give her the opportunity to put you down OP.

MrWalsh · 01-04-2015 10:49AM

Tearin It Up wrote: »

Why are people saying she doesn't want to babysit? She has no problem babysitting her son's kids. They're all her grandkids, that's completely unfair, already picking her favourite grandchildren.

You have no idea of the arrangement between the woman and her son regarding babysitting. Perhaps he pays her. Perhaps he does something else in exchange. Perhaps his kids are easier to mind? Its irrelevant. She can babysit whoevers kids she likes and it still doesnt make her obliged to babysit the OPs kids.

zeffabelli · 01-04-2015 11:01AM

MrWalsh wrote: »

You have no idea of the arrangement between the woman and her son regarding babysitting. Perhaps he pays her. Perhaps he does something else in exchange. Perhaps his kids are easier to mind? Its irrelevant. She can babysit whoevers kids she likes and it still doesnt make her obliged to babysit the OPs kids.

Obligation is what is irrelevent here. OP offerred to pay her own mother!! How sad is that?

The grandmother is actively rejecting her daughter and her grandchildren by that daughter.

The granny is cruel for her attitude towards pnd. That she had that attitude during such an intensively bad time, would demonstrate over all indifference to her grandchildren's well being and in my opinion a valid reason to tell her to take a hike and don't return.

uch · 01-04-2015 03:44PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

If you feel you dislike her then maybe the best thing (for both of you) is if you distance yourself a bit. Let her be the one to make contact and/or visit for a while, distancing yourself a bit will give you more clarity on the situation also - it can be hard to see clearly from inside a situation where emotions are involved.

This is the Best advice, I'd go with this

LegacyUser · 02-04-2015 04:58PM

hi op here , given it a few days until my mother text for us to visit , so we did she started shouting at me for last friday , over asking her to babysit. I don't get it ok I understand I shouldn't ask and I won't ever ask again or visit much since today. she started getting really angry with me cursing and shouting saying I was making the family suicidal over me asking and thats its wrong for a mother to go out every month.

my child then went over to her and started playing by the chair where she sits she grabbed my baby by the arm and pushed her away roughly . I want to start having less contact from now on with her.

my brother does not pay her to babysit btw , and yes his kids are older so I get they could be easier to mind , its not the fact of her babysitting I just want her to bond too with my baby .

I haven't been honest about the full relationship of my mother and I but I think I deserve to be treated better

Flippyfloppy · 04-04-2015 08:14AM

Don't let that woman near your child again. How did you react when she PUSHED your baby??

milli milli · 04-04-2015 08:23AM

ohwhattodo wrote: »

thats its wrong for a mother to go out every month

Hi OP I sympathise with you. You do seem to be treated very badly by your mother.
What was your relationship with your mother like before you had children?

I have an idea and I'm going to throw it out there - perhaps I'm wide off the mark but I'll say it anyway.

From your post it sounds like you're a single mum. Perhaps your brother is married with kids?
Maybe your mother is really old fashioned and has an old attitude of single mums and how they brought shame to the family. If your mother thinks this way then her behaviour to you and your children would reflect this.

It's just when you mentioned the above quote, it got me thinking that way.

Apart from the babysitting does she spend time with your children (apologies if it's just one child you have, I'm on mobile and can't check back to see your OP).
Grandparents aren't obliged to babysit although some families are ok with this, but they should have some bond with their grandchildren.

zeffabelli · 04-04-2015 09:21AM

Stop giving her the opportunity to hurt and reject you.

Stop giving her the opportunity to hurt and reject your baby.

We are hard wired neurologically to want and seek our mother's love and approval. You MUST break this wiring through concious self discipline.

No, grandparents are not 'obliged' to do babysitting, but if they don't- particularly where there is only one parent, to me its a clear reflection of indifference to the well being of the child's caretaker and therefore the child also, either because the caretaker needs a break or because they want to get out of the poverty trap.

She has made her indifference clear, it is now up to you to garner the self discipline to cut her out.

Stavro Mueller · 04-04-2015 09:25AM

@milli milki. The OP refers to her mother in law and how lovely she is towards the end of her original post

That isn't to say though that the OP's just calling her that rather than her partner's mother. Or that her child/children weren't born before she was married.

I haven't been honest about the full relationship of my mother and I but I think I deserve to be treated better

OP, I was going to ask earlier in the week if you'd had a troublesome relationship with your mother. I'm taking from this that it hasn't been good for quite a while. I'm afraid you are going to have to accept that you are never going to have the mother you want. It goes without saying that you deserve to be treated better but we don't all get the mothers we should. One of my closest friends has barely spoken to her mother in years and her siblings also have troubled relationships with her. I think you should massively reduce contact with her and also banish any thoughts of her bonding with her grandchild. Children aren't stupid and if your mother has such contempt for her grandchild, the child's going to pick up on it.

I was shocked at what your mother said and how she behaved. Saying the family's suicidal over you asking is completely over the top. Either the outburst was the pressure cooker finally exploding or your mother's not mentally well. Have you talked to your brother about this?

whatismyname · 04-04-2015 09:37AM

ohwhattodo wrote: »

I haven't been honest about the full relationship of my mother and I but I think I deserve to be treated better

Yes, you do... very much so. And to my mind, if you can't immediately get her to start treating you better, you can instead immediately start treating yourself better by restricting your contact with this woman, and her contact with her kids.

Anyone who treated my kinds like she is treating yours wouldn't deserve a place in their lives... and I appreciate it's possibly very hard to do since she's your mother, but they will pick up on how she's treating them, and it's not nice...

Big Bag of Chips · 04-04-2015 09:58AM

Reading between the lines you have always had a troubled relationship with your mother. And this affects you even to this day, as an adult. You can now see she is starting to mistreat your child. Do you want your child to grow up with the same influence as you had. In 20-30 years time do you want your baby to be going through the same feelings you are now?

It is your duty to protect your child and break the cycle. It is very difficult to stand up to a parent. Especially if they have always dominated you. But if you can't do it for yourself then you do it for your baby. Do not expose your child to someone who has the power to make them feel worthless.

You don't have to have any big falling out. You don't have to make any big statement. You just distance yourself. Don't visit her. Don't contact her. If she rings, talk for a few minutes, be pleasant but if she starts with nastiness just tell her you have to go and you'll speak to her soon. Then hang up.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. You allow her to bully you. So if you limit the time you have contact with her you don't allow her that chance.

It would be wonderful if all families got along, and if grandparents idolised their grandkids etc. But nor everybody has that. You're misguided in thinking your child has a right to a lovely relationship with your mother. That lovely relationship doesn't exist. So by continuing to expose your child to it you are actually doing harm to your child.

All your child needs is love, praise and encouragement. They don't care who it comes from. If your child has no relationship with your mother that's fine. It's better than a strained relationship.

Neyite · 04-04-2015 10:14AM

She mistreats you. And starting to mistreat your daughter. Is a night out once a month worth that much to you that you'd expose your child to that toxicity?

Read up on Toxic mothers and see if you can see any parallels. Very often there is a golden child and a doormat child. The golden child can do no wrong, even if they cannot stand the mother, and the doormat child will never please her, no matter how hard they try. I don't know if that resonates with you or not, I could be way off the mark, but either way, your issue is a bit more complex than her not babysitting for you.

zeffabelli · 04-04-2015 10:20AM

Neyite wrote: »

She mistreats you. And starting to mistreat your daughter. Is a night out once a month worth that much to you that you'd expose your child to that toxicity?

Read up on Toxic mothers and see if you can see any parallels. Very often there is a golden child and a doormat child. The golden child can do no wrong, even if they cannot stand the mother, and the doormat child will never please her, no matter how hard they try. I don't know if that resonates with you or not, I could be way off the mark, but either way, your issue is a bit more complex than her not babysitting for you.

If Neyite is right, and this is ringing bells for you, one day, if it hasn't happenned already, you are going to see your mother do something atrocious to your child, and the lightbulb will flash in your head, that your child will be meeting the same destiny that you did with her.

The golden child has it harder in a way, the golden child will never have a catylist to break free, caught and roped up in gilded chains, the toxcity glitters and dazzles. The scapegoat has clarity - this is the hidden blessing.

You just have to open your eyes.

Stavro Mueller · 04-04-2015 10:21AM

Just to add, if you mother grabbed her own granddaughter by the arm and pushed her away roughly just because she went to play by her chair, god knows what she'd do to her if she was left alone. Most grandparents I know unashamedly dote on their grandchildren and love spending time with them. It looks to me like your mother's dislike of you has carried on into the next generation

zeffabelli · 04-04-2015 10:38AM

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Just to add, if you mother grabbed her own granddaughter by the arm and pushed her away roughly just because she went to play by her chair, god knows what she'd do to her if she was left alone. Most grandparents I know unashamedly dote on their grandchildren and love spending time with them. It looks to me like your mother's dislike of you has carried on into the next generation

I agree with you but I also potentially read the scene differentlly.

She may not do anything left alone.

The display was a theatrical move to get her point across.

OP you were not hearing your mother. She does not want your child. She is not interested. She doesn't give a bollox. You are letting the shadows of the ideal prevent you from seeing what is REALLY on offer, which is nothing.

Stavro Mueller · 04-04-2015 11:01AM

That thought crossed my mind too and you could be right. Having said that, if she was prepared to manhandle her own grandchild it goes to show what little regard she has for her. At least the child has a loving granny on the other side of the family.

FizzleSticks · 06-04-2015 07:01PM

This post has been deleted.

whatdoicare · 07-04-2015 12:20AM

Holy Moley - forget about anything going on between you and her from here on out - she laid her hands on your child, your precious baby!

I don't know how you could even half consider leaving your child with her ever again! She's sick in her head.

Make sure your brother knows that she did that in case she thinks it's grand to do that to his kids too, then keep as far away as you possibly can from her.

She didn't just cross a line there, she jumped over it, doused it in petrol and burned it to the ground. There's no second chances there, end of relationship. Your responsibility is to your child now- not your feelings or that awful woman's feelings, they come last here.

TBH I don't know how you didn't put her through a wall for doing that, how dare she treat a defenseless baby like that, what an absolute Bitch. :mad:

pwurple · 07-04-2015 04:29PM

zeffabelli wrote: »

Obligation is what is irrelevent here. OP offerred to pay her own mother!! How sad is that?

Excuse you, I pay my mother for her time minding my children, why wouldn't I? It's hard work! I wouldn't dream of expecting her to give up her time for free. She's my mum, not my slave.

From what I see here, this looks more like someone who has walked all over her mother, expecting her to childmind for free, and then babysit as well on top of it, for a baby and another small child.

It's too much for her. As nearly everyone else has said, make alternative arrangements. Sounds like the child's other grandparents might be up for it.

All this talk of Toxic Parents is a bit much, the poor woman is probably run ragged...

mother ignoring me ugh

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