Moving on after partners death

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy · 01-04-2015 03:43PM #1

It's just past the 2nd anniversary of my mams death. Her & my dad were married for almost 30 years. Her death was very sudden, and we were all deeply shocked.

Over the weekend I've had a couple of people pass comments to me which I didn't like. I was wondering what others thought. They asked me had my dad met anyone else yet.

The truth is I don't even know. It's not something we've ever discussed and I can only presume he'd tell us if he had.

The question stunned me though. Is it even anybody else's business if he had? One fella obviously couldn't tell by my face that he should stfu, because he'd the audacity to continue on and tell me that he's entitled to another woman! :eek:

Mods please don't move this to personal issues or the like, I'd rather have it here, ta.

eviltwin · 01-04-2015 03:46PM

I would take it that they are being kind rather than nosy. It could be that they are worried that he is lonely, older men tend not to do so well when their wife passes. I'm sure they didn't mean any offence. But I'd have no problem telling them that you don't want to discuss that or that you are uncomfortable about it. 2 years seems like a long time to people on the outside but when its your loved one 2 years is nothing. I'm sorry for your loss x

01-04-2015 03:46PM

Why are you so disturbed by it though? its is nobody business but you fathers so it was a bit rude for people to mention it to you.

One eyed Jack · 01-04-2015 03:49PM

The Cunning Linguist wrote: »

It's just past the 2nd anniversary of my mams death. Her & my dad were married for almost 30 years. Her death was very sudden, and we were all deeply shocked.

Over the weekend I've had a couple of people pass comments to me which I didn't like. I was wondering what others thought. They asked me had my dad met anyone else yet.

The truth is I don't even know. It's not something we've ever discussed and I can only presume he'd tell us if he had.

The question stunned me though. Is it even anybody else's business if he had? One fella obviously couldn't tell by my face that he should stfu, because he'd the audacity to continue on and tell me that he's entitled to another woman! :eek:

Mods please don't move this to personal issues or the like, I'd rather have it here, ta.

Well, apart from that particular idiot, it's simply one of those questions that people make natural assumptions about. I wouldn't dwell too much on it tbh. Most people don't mean anything by it. They're not actually that interested to know.

Menas · 01-04-2015 03:50PM

The answer to your question is no, it is no ones business but your dads.

If your dad is young then people may assume that he will move on and find a new partner. Big assumption.

My dad died when my mum was 68. She wore black for 2 years. Then 4 years after he died I got a call from her. She asked me to sit down.
I expected that someone had died and braced myself.
She told me that she had hooked up with someone.
And I knew him.
And he was 5 years older.
And not a catholic.
And they were going to get married.
And that he was moving in that weekend.

I was shocked but delighted.
Took great pleasure in reminding her how she would not let me ride in the house until I was married myself.

scdublin · 01-04-2015 03:52PM

Maybe they're hoping that he'll find a companion in case he's lonely. It must have been hard to lose her so suddenly. Very insensitive of them to be asking in that way though, especially if it upset you.

ShowMeTheCash · 01-04-2015 03:57PM

My OH went through this and funnily enough it was about 2 years before her father started to ventured out and began to get on with his life. (See people)

The death of a parent is not easy but it is the natural order of things.
All going well everyone will bury their parents but hopefully not before their time.

People sometimes find talking about these kind of thing difficult and perhaps come across insensitive. But it is understandable people would be worried about your Dad.

You and any brothers and or sister you might have will get on with your lives eventually... For your Dad it very different and I think maybe people recognise that.

Yes it might be nosey but I am sure their intentions are in the correct place, I would try not worry about it too much.

Neyite · 01-04-2015 04:55PM

I think its because of gender too. Some people expect that an older man wouldn't 'manage' by himself in widowhood. Like, that they'd assume he couldn't cook or do laundry or look after himself properly. So they assume he needs someone to look after him in old age. Similarly, people assume a woman on her own might need to get a neighbour in every time a fuse blows or a lightbulb needs changing. Its just stereotypes that people have.

I think I'd have told them that he is seeing a 19 year old stripper, that you are delighted to have her as a new mammy, and cant wait to be a flower girl. But then, ours is a family who would find that funny even in grief.

Mint Aero · 01-04-2015 05:00PM

These people are really rude & disrespectful to the memory of your mom in this instance I feel.

The Strawman Argument · 01-04-2015 05:09PM

A lot of it's really down to how they phrased it. There's surely a certain level of societal pressure that a person shouldn't be allowed to meet a new person after a long term partner passes for a significant amount of time, if at all, so I can see people meaning well by bringing it up in a "do you reckon he knows it's totally okay to meet someone new if he wants?" kind of way.

I know my mam is very much of the mindset that she's not allowed meet a new person and I've heard some relatives pass disparaging comments about other people doing so years after the death; that's far more unreasonable imo.

The Backwards Man · 01-04-2015 05:19PM

There's two types of people that ask the question ime, the nosy fcukers looking for news and the ones genuinely concerned about your parent's well being.

When they question me about my Dad's girlfriend they get the same answer he gave me, he met her on the internet and he's happy as a pig in muck. That's good enough for me and it's good enough for me.

Pretty remarkable for a man that can't even put an ad for a set of drill ploughs on DoneDeal, but that's none of my business.

murpho999 · 01-04-2015 05:23PM

Trigger Happy wrote: »

The answer to your question is no, it is no ones business but your dads.

If your dad is young then people may assume that he will move on and find a new partner. Big assumption.

My dad died when my mum was 68. She wore black for 2 years. Then 4 years after he died I got a call from her. She asked me to sit down.
I expected that someone had died and braced myself.
She told me that she had hooked up with someone.
And I knew him.
And he was 5 years older.
And not a catholic.
And they were going to get married.
And that he was moving in that weekend.

I was shocked but delighted.
Took great pleasure in reminding her how she would not let me ride in the house until I was married myself.

Great story, I'm surprised though that the religion was so important.

I would never think of that if I met someone.

Mint Aero · 01-04-2015 05:27PM

murpho999 wrote: »

I would never think of that if I met someone.

Well done. Here's your PC award.

Birneybau · 01-04-2015 05:29PM

Mint Aero wrote: »

Well done. Here's your PC award.

Me stoopid head.

Chijj · 01-04-2015 05:51PM

Birneybau wrote: »

Well, it is a bit backward.

The woman would have been 74 if my maths ability serve, it would be a normal thing for them to think of IMO.

If it was someone young then your point would carry some weight.

Birneybau · 01-04-2015 05:52PM

Chijj wrote: »

The woman would have been 74 if my maths ability serve, it would be a normal thing for them to think of IMO.

If it was someone young then your point would carry some weight.

Actually, fair enough. Never put it in the context.

ScumLord · 01-04-2015 05:59PM

The Cunning Linguist wrote: »

The question stunned me though. Is it even anybody else's business if he had?

I don't see why it's nobodies business. We talk about people falling into and out of relationships all the time. People have a general curiosity about people they know, "is he seeing someone" isn't a bad or nosy thing to ask, it's just an update on his life.

Maybe you don't like the thought of your father moving on, that it would be some sort of disrespect to your mother. This may not even be a fully formed opinion, just something that rubs you up the wrong way. But you should be open to the idea of him moving on and people talking about the fact he has a new partner.

01-04-2015 06:04PM

I'm very sorry for your familys loss OP, and I know something of how you feel. At a close family members funeral, the deceaseds partners sister told me her mission now was to find a new wife for her brother. The coffin was in front of us.

When people mean well, they choose their words poorly without realising. What those people are really saying is that they hope your father isn't lonely, that it would be good for him to have companionship. They're not thinking of your mother, rightly or wrongly, but of what they feel is best for your dad.

If anyone brings it up again, I'd just shut them down with a curt 'My fathers personal life is his business, when or if he meets anyone he'll tell you if he chooses'. Try not to think too ill of them though, they're tactless and gauche but they mean well.

Ethel · 01-04-2015 06:05PM

Well meaning or not, I don't think its appropriate. Some don't really get over the death of a spouse, and couldn't see themselves with anyone else. Its not something I'd ask any way, its a personal thing.

When my Mother died my Father was asked this several times. He wasnt pleased to say the least. Being with someone else would be like erasing her existence, and that upsets him. Im sure I'd feel the same way.

01-04-2015 06:07PM

Ethel wrote: »

Well meaning or not, I don't think its appropriate. Some don't really get over the death of a spouse, and couldn't see themselves with anyone else. Its not something I'd ask any way, its a personal thing.

When my Mother died my Father was asked this several times. He wasnt pleased to say the least. Being with someone else would like erasing her existence, and that upsets him. Im sure I'd feel the same way.

With respect, that's a very unkind thing to say. There are many people who find love again after a death who think of, and love the memory of their lost one. A new partner doesn't erase someones existence, they always live in your heart.

Ethel · 01-04-2015 06:14PM

Candie wrote: »

With respect, that's a very unkind thing to say. There are many people who find love again after a death who think of, and love the memory of their lost one. A new partner doesn't erase someones existence, they always live in your heart.

Try arguing that point out with my Dad.

Also, the point I was making was that it is personal. My advice is don't ask the question because you might not like the answer.

chakademus · 01-04-2015 06:19PM

I think it was just a case of bad manners on the part of the person/people who asked however good-intentioned.

There was once a time when someone would not dream of asking something like this but unfortunately boundaries are so easily ignored these days at the expense of sensitivity or empathy for the person being asked.

I'd be inclined to respond with a cool "I don't know". My father passed away when my mother was relatively young and no one has ever asked me a similar question.

Lux23 · 01-04-2015 06:27PM

My Dad died in December and my Mum is only 54 so I have already thought about her meeting someone else. I don't think there is a time limit on these things really. My parents were married over 30s so my mum has had no adult life without my Dad so I cant imagine her dating perse. But I wouldn't be against the idea either.

01-04-2015 06:57PM

My father died last August, I would be very, very surprised if my mother ever met someone else, to be honest. She's 65 and perfectly fit and healthy but I just don't think it's something she would do. However, I wouldn't be against it.

OP, you know when the loss is not your own, you're inclined to forget the timeframe? Your mum is dead two years and to your family, this is still very current. To everyone else, it's old news. They probably assume your dad will have "moved on". I doubt it was meant to be insensitive.

Cold War Kid · 01-04-2015 07:46PM

So sorry about your mother, OP... :-/

My grandad died suddenly and quite early in life - I remember years ago asking my dad if my gran was interested in meeting someone or if she had ever gone on any dates. He wasn't offended but he thought it was the stupidest thing ever. :pac:
It's just a strange thing for family members to comprehend I guess, and that's fair enough.

PARlance · 01-04-2015 08:01PM

murpho999 wrote: »

Great story, I'm surprised though that the religion was so important.

I would never think of that if I met someone.

You're surprised that a(n at least) 72 year old Irish woman would mention Religion?

Pwindedd · 01-04-2015 08:29PM

My dad died when I was 1 and my mum remarried within 18 months. Everyone thought it was too soon at the time, but they both adopted me, had my brother, and spent 38 happy years together until unfortunately he died just a month ago.
Having lost 2 fathers I would be only too delighted for my mum to meet someone for company or whatever, it's too soon at the moment but I don't think there is a set amount of time for someone to grieve. Life is fleeting, you've got to grab every ounce of happiness when and where you can.

01-04-2015 08:34PM

Pwindedd wrote: »

My dad died when I was 1 and my mum remarried within 18 months. Everyone thought it was too soon at the time, but they both adopted me, had my brother, and spent 38 happy years together until unfortunately he died just a month ago.
Having lost 2 fathers I would be only too delighted for my mum to meet someone for company or whatever, it's too soon at the moment but I don't think there is a set amount of time for someone to grieve. Life is fleeting, you've got to grab every ounce of happiness when and where you can.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family get through the next few weeks ok.

daisybelle2008 · 01-04-2015 09:27PM

My father asked me if it was too soon for him to be seeing someone 6 months after my mother died (he had met someone) I said, no I just wanted him to be happy. He has had it rocky and had his heart broken.
I kind of feel like a parent now and hope he is ok in the dating world and finds the one. Just want him to be happy and loved however that takes shape.

murpho999 · 01-04-2015 11:52PM

Mint Aero wrote: »

Well done. Here's your PC award.

Not worrying about someone's religion is not being PC. You make it sound like being bigoted is more correct.

PARlance wrote: »

You're surprised that a(n at least) 72 year old Irish woman would mention Religion?

Yes, as not all people of that age are deeply religious.

Also, for example if they were Protestant I don't think many now would regard it as that big a deal or feel they have to warn their family about.

eternal · 02-04-2015 12:03AM

Sorry to hear about your mother. I know nothing about death so can't comment.

Moving on after partners death

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