Should I write a blog exposing my exes cheating on 3 gf's over 10 years?

catonthewire · 08-03-2015 03:47PM

For your own dignity stop engaging in this type of behaviour and simply leave the past behind....

Your actions have left you open to legal action, if you go ahead as planned this guy will have nothing further to lose and will probably carry out his threat ....

It's not for me to judge you , but no doubt if the law becomes involved they will....
Is it worth the trauma ?...

Move on, put the whole situation down to experience and leave the guy well alone..

orthsquel · 08-03-2015 04:04PM

Well I am very glad for you OP that you are not going to go ahead and make that blog.

While I wouldn't want to get into the debate or argument about what is and isn't illegal to post on the internet, you do have to keep in mind that all social media including blogging sites have terms and conditions and content policies including against looking to post content that would be harmful to another person even if they are not users of the site e.g. seeking to humiliate or vilify an individual where you wander the line of defamation, cyber bullying etc and even when you are "reporting on" the conduct of an individual and merely posting links to a 3rd party site, - never mind that posting even indirectly (i.e. by links) nude or pornographic content would be a typical example of a Term of Service violation that can result in content being removed, an IP ban, an obligation on behalf of the website to report the content to the relevant authority even if you reside outside of the country by which the laws of the website are published i.e. even if it's a US company with a US registration you are not immune from prosecution in Ireland - that can be against site terms and conditions and can have legal implications for you offline (see blogger's content policy for example). The media do not escape this either, plenty of times they are in and out of the court for what they publish not adhering to various non-digital laws as well as digital laws, often have to print retractions and apologies, and can only publish material collected within constraints of ethics (especially post 2011 News of the World phone hacking scandal) and certainly would not be permitted to publish a blog even online as to what you were proposing. As for old user accounts, etc, actually you can get cached content deleted, all you need to do is contact Google directly with the URL and search results and they can remove it permanently which was possible actually before the EU right to be forgotten law came into force, and a law you should familiarise yourself with as much of that concept was to provide protection against exactly the short of behaviour you had intended and revenge porn.

If you had gone ahead, got caught and charged with an offence, your ex's behaviour towards you or his other ex's isn't going to be relevant to your offence and no judge is going to excuse your behaviour on the grounds of your ex's behaviour or past behaviours with his ex's. It will be irrelevant and the focus will be on instead on your behaviour regardless as to how it came about. The fact is you don't have the right to even do what you were thinking of, as much as your ex had no right to treat you, or other ex's badly, or in an abusive manner.

People would have seen it as irrational behaviour because you were letting emotion and circumstances dictate your intentions and behaviour rather than your moral compass. I doubt you would normally ever consider such an act of posting that blog any given day of the week before him, would you? It's just the anger and hurt and betrayal you feel getting the better of you and you need to deal with all that emotion in a more productive way that helps you and heals you.

Right now you need focus on yourself and putting your life back together again. You need to deal with the emotion you feel and seek to attain closure on this relationship with yourself but without resorting to behaviour that ultimately will be harmful to others and yourself. Have you friends or family you can talk to about your relationship? People you can let know you are hurting still that can be of support to you? Then let them in about what is going on with the relationship ending, the issue with the house, and how you are struggling with it all.

You will learn to trust someone in the future. But right now you need to be kind to yourself and love yourself and focus on yourself. And you will move on, and you will love yourself and you will find happiness.

Penny Tration · 08-03-2015 04:04PM

Op, with regards to your latest post -

You emailed him to question him about cheating on average every 9 days. You also emailed him about money on average every week. So, you've emailed him on average, every 4-ish days. On top of going through all of his personal online accounts. That's not normal. You can keep trying to justify it, but it's not. It's harassment. He would be well within his rights to get a protective order or have you charged.

Your therapist told you to think about your reasons for the blog idea. What did she say when you told her you're emailing him every few days?

To answer your questions, yes, I've been cheated on. I didn't throw out his belongings. I didn't rant on Facebook. I retained my dignity, told him it wouldn't work, and walked away. I wept to my sister and mam, then picked myself up and got on with life. Several years down the line, he and I are able to be friends and are both in happy, loving relationships.

Sure, others have more impulsive, irrational reactions, but yours is not impulsive. you're deliberately searching out information on him, emailing him bi-weekly and contemplated making a blog about him. Seriously, how can you think that ANY of this is normal, okay behaviour?

If your therapist thinks it's all okay, you need a new therapist.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2015 04:08PM

I didn't impersonate him. I haven't sent any messages as him. I haven't changed any part of his online information of his profiles. Defamation of character is LIES about someone. This is verifiable truth. It is a grey area legally me taking his profiles. I am not using them to deceive anyone. Show me any law that says differently. How is the law going to get involved? Will he go to the gards and say that I've hijacked his sex profiles? Emailed him 15 times in 3 months looking for my money back? None of this constitutes stalking or anything else that the gards would take seriously. If he insists on legal action, his actions will come under scrutiny. I'm guessing that he doesn't want that.

I was with him 2 years and we broke up less than 3 months ago.

I have said repeatedly since my first post that I won't publish a blog with any of this.

I have asked for advice on how to trust anyone again. I have asked how anyone here or their friends reacted to being lied to and/or cheated on and asked if it was more severe than the hijacking of a couple of profiles. I've heard stories about people setting fire to clothes when cheated on. Putting their cheating OH's number up on websites to be harassed. I've done nothing but email looking for answers and CONSIDERED posting links to his profiles proving cheating on 3 gf's over 10 years.

tomwaterford · 08-03-2015 04:08PM

Would you not just walk away and forget the chap....doesn't seem helpful

freshpopcorn · 08-03-2015 04:28PM

You seem obsessed with your ex. I know lots of people who broken up with people who were cheated on etc.
They were up a et for a bit and got on with there lives. Even the fact you avoid where he work/ttransport he might use. I would consider obsessive.
Get in with your life. If he owes you money contact a solicitor if he refused to pay you you.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2015 04:28PM

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Op, with regards to your latest post - <SNIP>.

orthsquel wrote: »

Well I am very glad for you OP that you are not going to go ahead and make that blog <SNIP>.

Mod - lengthy post quotes snipped. It's very hard for mobile readers to read large blocks of quoted text.

The emails weren't one offs. More like I'd email him, he'd respond with a wriggling out of responsibility response (to both the money owed and the cheating) and I'd respond and then there'd be some back and forwards. Like an email conversation. This happened 3 or 4 times in all. Not spread out.

I think it's great that you're friends with your ex. I would have liked that (I have that with another ex who cheated on me) but I can't do that without any honesty from him. I couldn't be friends with a friend if they lied to me like this let alone someone who lied about loving me and his opinion on fidelity.

Therapy isn't about telling the client what to do. It's about trying to guide them through themselves.

I didn't know that about blogs. Good thing I decided not to go ahead. That's great about google having to delete cached material but I know that <SNIP> has kept his photos even though his account is deleted.

I don't know about your evaluation of my behavior. I have seen some messy break-ups. I've been stalked by an ex who told me he kept a knife in his bag, left presents for me outside my window. Maybe my take on events has been affected more than I realise by that.

I'm trying to focus on myself but this has knocked me so bad. I've never been so deceived and treated like such a trusting fool. I comforted him when he cried over his ex cheating on him!

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond and discuss this with me.

BD45 · 08-03-2015 05:28PM

I say go for it. Expose the pervert.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2015 06:08PM

OP
@littlekittylou
I don't think he's reading this. He's not a boards.ie fan. He prefers the sites with anonymous posting. (not a dig just a fact)

Thanks for the advice about discriminating (weird to say it in a positive manner). It was just what I needed.

I can understand that crazy behavior makes someone look crazy. I sort of needed to have a discussion about this. Putting it up here and opening it to discussion has helped me a lot.

I hadn't looked at it from the side of not taking responsibility for my actions and blaming my reactions on his behavior. Thanks for pointing it out.

I hope I can learn "You don't learn trust you learn better discrimination. You now expect high levels of integrity and less BS from a guy."

Thanks again to all who have responded and helped me get through this stage.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2015 06:10PM

OP

BD45 wrote: »

I say go for it. Expose the pervert.

I've changed my mind but why would you advocate him being exposed?

Penny Tration · 08-03-2015 06:15PM

Op, your response in response to littlekittyloulou is really good to read. You seem much more composed and rational right now.

Now, for your own sake, cut contact, and do not look at his profiles. You're torturing yourself.

Best of luck.

BD45 · 08-03-2015 06:22PM

exposing blogger wrote: »

OP

I've changed my mind but why would you advocate him being exposed?

Because he's a cheater and a pervert and he should learn that he can't get away with this. The main worry is that he may have infected his exes with stds. You also have to consider that he may have exposed you to hiv. I know you tested clean but it takes time before hiv can be detected. Sorry if I'm freaking you out. Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2015 06:33PM

OP

Lilttlekittylou's post seems to have vanished at least for me? It was very good. Posted at 1705...

@JennyThalia Thanks. I will cut contact. Just have to sort out a few more things before I can (money repaying and stuff). I installed snapchat last night and saw that he was on it and it made my blood boil (it seems to be used as a sex pic site quite a bit) (I installed it out of curiosity yesterday). I'm looking forward to being able to delete his number and other info for good now so I don't see that he's installed stuff.

@BD45 If there was a happy medium between posting a blog and doing nothing, I'd do it but there isn't. Walking around talking sh!t about him would be insane (I thought that even before posting here).

Semele · 08-03-2015 11:37PM

OP, my guess is that you feel so hurt and humiliated. I really feel for you. It's so easy to find ways to avoid having to feel those feelings: be it anger, desire for retribution, constant analysis of WHY...

But none of that would help. You need to sit with those feelings, alone, with a friend or with a therapist, and get through them. Only then will you get to a point where it is genuinely behind you. We avoid what feels painful or unbearable, but that only postpones or adds to problems. You know the saying "the only way out is through"?. I've found that really helpful in times of heartache and I suggest you try to engage with your feelings and get the out in the least destructive way you find. Lots of love.xx

Neyite · 09-03-2015 10:11AM

OP, I understand what it's like to break up and subsequently find out things about your ex that knock you sideways and make you wonder if the entire relationship was a farce.

It makes you angry. And when they weasel out of giving you the truth again, it can make you angrier. And when you hear that YOU are being portrayed as the crazy ex, to mutual acquaintances it can be enraging and you feel helpless and furious that you are hurting and he appears to be coming up smelling of roses.

You found out a lot of things. But there are only a few that really matter: He is a liar and a cheat. He will never tell you the truth about the cheating because he is a liar. He will never stop lying because he is a serial cheat. He has proven to go to any lengths to lie, and what really hurts, is that he doesn't care about you a bit. That maybe he never did. That is what is giving you pain right now.

By asking him about cheating, about lies, its handing him back the power to hurt you every single time, along with your dignity. By trying to publicly humiliate him, you are giving him the perfect opportunity to point to your actions and say 'See? Told you she was the crazy one, didn't I?

You will heal from this, will go on to meet someone who is honest, loyal, and trustworthy. He never will. He will never meet someone he can trust, because he knows that he cant be trusted. And if you cant trust yourself, you will never trust others. He could meet the woman of his dreams, The One, and either live a lie hoping she never finds out how ugly the real him is, or by getting up to his old tricks and losing her in the process for good.

In time you'll see that the best revenge is your own happiness. I know that my ex would love to have the happy home life I have with my partner and child. But its beyond him - his nature is to lie and to cheat and be abusive to others and so could never create that with someone. That's my revenge.

The best way that you can escape the 'crazy ex' tag is to totally walk away. No more contact - don't give him the oxygen. Don't badmouth him to people you both know. They don't care, and if they tell you things that hurt you, its to get a reaction for their own entertainment or to feed it back to him. Continue working with your therapist, avoid mutual friends for a little while, instead of writing blogs or emails or texts, get yourself a journal and write it in that - everything you want to say to him, to people who support him, poor fools, or in general. And when you get to the point that you realise he is in your past and you no longer care are no longer angry, you can hold a ceremonial burning of the journal.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-03-2015 11:38AM

OP, Neyite makes a very valid point: People don't care. People don't care what he says about you. People don't care what you say about him. People have enough going on in their own lives to care about someone else's breakup. And in breakups there's always a bit of he said/she said. Some people enjoy listening to the stories for their own entertainment, but beyond that they tend to not care.

There was an article on one of the morning programs last week about getting revenge on exes. There were all the usual, cutting up their clothes, smashing up their favourite things etc. Reasonable people admitted to snapping and doing unreasonable things. The advice given was so simple and so obvious. By getting revenge you are letting your ex know that they still matter. You still care. They still bother you. They still affect your life.

As Neyite also says, the best you can do for yourself and the thing that will have the biggest impact on him, is to move on. Show him that you don't care. Show him that he no longer has any impact on you. You met a bad 'un! Believe it or not they are rarer than you'd believe. They majority of lads are nothing like that, and you know that.

Move on. Pretend you don't care, and eventually you won't care.

Dellnum · 09-03-2015 12:24PM

Your biggest feeling of satisfaction has to be that you found out what this guy was up to and you now realize that he isn't for you. Your best course of action is to never speak with him again. Never ask him again for any reasons why. He will never tell you the truth and the reason why you were treated like this is because you are too good for him and he is a snake. Do not speak about him to others either. You know and he knows what he did and that is all that concerns you. Let others find out for themselves, they might even find out quicker than you did. Silence is golden and it also speaks volumes. It is the best way to show that you don't care now about him anymore. You are hurt, of course you are, but nothing you say or do is going to undo what happened to you. Just take a deep breath and realize that you are in the lucky position now that you know you are well rid of this guy. You don't need to check on him anymore, you now know the truth.

LegacyUser · 09-03-2015 01:40PM

Understandably you feel betrayed.

It appears to me that on a superficial reading this could look like revenge to others, but what it looks like is perverted course of seeking empathy. You want others to feel what you felt, perhaps you want your perpetrator to know how it feels. Sometimes we confuse discipline with teaching. Discipline means to "teach" not to punish.

Taking this approach will not inspire empathy in him. One way to try to free yourself is the force yourself into empathising with him....hard to do....why did he cheat? why did he lie?

The person who deals the wound doesn't always heal the wound.

This will take a long time to work through, but if you follow what you are planning to do here, you will unfold a series of betrayals and traumas you cannot control or foresee.

Do not do ANYTHING legally dubious or in grey areas. Just DON"T. Cheating is not a criminal offense, harrassment however is.

This is a time to be selfish, in other words focus on you, not him. When you think of him or what you want to do to him, do something self focused, like put on make up, get a massage, anything.

A good book on betrayal and trauma is "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes.

Should I write a blog exposing my exes cheating on 3 gf's over 10 years?

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